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This isn't applicable to everyone, but for those who had parents who were
alcoholics, substance abusers, rage-guys, there might be a bit of comfort or
idea-parts.

Someone here last week suggested maybe I should check into Adult Children of
Alcoholics. I realize it was intended as a slam rather than an honest piece
of advice, and many people on this list are aware that I've not only been
involved in that but have helped others find it.

Anyway, here's something which just came back to me in private e-mail with a
thank-you note, and I thought there might be others on this list who could
use it for themselves or a friend.

The question had been, in private mail: <<  The other question I had was is
there a particular book or publication on the topic that you found
especially helpful.  >>


And my response, to the end:


>
> There was a plain old book called "Adult Children of Alcoholics."  But I
bet
> now there are websites.
>
> The Al-Anon  concept of "detachment" helped me more than anything, and
> discussions of that can be found on websits about al-anon and also
> co-dependency.   It's the idea of separating your life from other people's
> lives--not in a mean way, but in a way that makes it clearer for you that
> their problems are really not your problems.
>
> At first it seems to mean you would no longer care about the person, but
> that's not the idea.  It has come to mean that pretty much for me in my
> relationship with my younger half-brother (29).  I don't want him in my
life
> but I don't yell about it.  I just tell him quietly and clearly every few
> years that I want my kids to grow up without being woken up by drunks, and
> that I'm sorry for his sad upbringing, but I don't trust him not to steal
my
> stuff and there are a lot of other people in the world he can deal with,
and
> he needs to go take care of my mom if he wants some contact with his
> relatives.  (Never all that at once, but that's what he hears from me if
he
> collects the whole set.)
>
> Another concept which changed me was "reparenting."  Some of the people at
my
> meeting carried teddy bears around with them to and at meetings.  They
were
> in therapy groups (mid-80's, when it was) which recommended they have a
> "child" with them and treat that surrogate baby as they would wish to have
> been treated.  So their "inner child" was represented by this stuffed
animal,
> and they put their compassion toward making something (anything else;
> themselves as children) comfortable.
>
> I got pregnant within a few months of starting those meetings, so Kirby
> became my reparenting object.  I tried to do for/to him what my parents
could
> have done for/to me if they had had a few more resources and more
awareness.
> My dad worked lots, and happily.  He was very physical and kind and out of
> the house a lot, and tired when he was home.  My mom was not good at
thinking
> three or four moves out in advance.  She did what seemed best of a very
> limited set of choices, and justified in her head that it was good and
> sufficient.  I tried consciously to increase my range of choices and
options
> by finding out what other families did with their kids, and what was the
> outside of the envelope on what was possible and allowable.  WHAT IF my
kids
> slept with me?  WHAT IF I let them play as long as they wanted at the park
> instead of setting a limit in advance?  WHAT IF kids stay up late?  (I
tried
> all that; the world didn't end, they didn't get sick, social services
didn't
> take them away.  So I experimented with other stuff. <g>)
>
> People used to ask us "What time do your kids go to bed?" and we'd say
"Half
> an hour or so after they go to sleep."  They would sleep when they were
> tired, wherever they were, and would go to sleep near us, usually--in our
> laps, on the couch, on the floor, on a nearby chair.  And we'd carry them
and
> put them in bed.  Meanwhile our other friends had to plan their lives
around
> their children's bedtimes because the kids were "trained" by the clock and
> "routines."
>
> Professionals in those days were always saying "Kids need routine."
>
> I disagree hugely.  Kids need love and confidence.  They need things that
> make sense.  They need some reliability.  It doesn't have to be a
scheduled
> "routine."
>
> If you went to ACOA meetings they would remind you that nobody's drinking
is
> your fault, that you can't control other people's alcoholism, that
alcoholism
> is stronger than many people and comes to defend its own existence, that
> whether or not the alcoholic continues, quits, lives or dies, your own
life
> is separate.
>
> I needed the meetings, but I didn't have kids at first (I went four years,
> through the time Marty was born, and the group broke up and split out
because
> we lost the free site and didn't survive the move).  Maybe you could find
> meetings with childcare, or maybe you could find an internet support
group.
> I bet there is a website kinda like unschooling.com!  I've never looked,
but
> I bet it's out there.
>
> Good luck, and I'll be here if you need me!
>
> Sandra
>



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