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Ok, I've been thinking a lot about the child as messiah thing and treating
everyone as such, which I really believe in, so I feel pretty hypocritical
for some of the feelings I've had about you and my brash tones. I'm sorry.

You have said many things that have really hit home with me, as a person
still learning and growing and as a parent. If I had no concern for you or
your struggles, I would have deleted all of your messages by now, but so many
things you say ring out to me, I want to share with you the knowledge I have.
But as someone rightly pointed out, you can't give that to someone who
doesn't want it or ask for it, and it's not very unschooly.

So rather than *tell* you what is going on in your house let me share my life
with you.

Addiction and codependency have been a huge part of my life. And as a child I
too watched tv a lot and picked at myself. In hindsight, I didn't need more
structure, control, spankings, punishment, rules, etc. I needed to feel free,
loved unconditionally, accepted, noticed, listened to, respected, etc. I'm
not at all implying these things are lacking in your home, only stating that
they were in mine.

Recently my son was watching tv a lot, and I really got scared. I was worried
about the effect of tv, but I was also petrified of the thought of him lost
in addiction like me or his father. My first thought was to control his
addiction or obsession. And I did. I went so far as to unplug the tv and tell
him it was broken. Thinking it's ok to lie and control if it's in his best
interest. But with all the debates on here, I changed my mind. And I had to
look back on my own childhood, and think of what I could give him rather than
take from him. This has also been a wonderful opportunity for me to not only
help my son and open a door for him I nearly closed, but a chance for me to
reconnect with another lost part of myself. To realize some more stuff from
my childhood that shaped who I am today. And your posts have inspired that
too, so for that I thank you.

Like you, I also had a period of injury where he watched a lot of tv. But he
also has had lots of other emotional stuff happen, stuff that I thought he
should be over by now. I think now that with everything he's been thru in his
short life, he has been 'hiding out' in the tv until he knows it's safe to
come out. It's a safe, comfortable, controlled, predictable environment. He
also needs to know that life is safe, that he is loved, that someone is
always available to him and will love him no matter what. If I were in my
son's shoes, I'd be a bit cautious venturing out too. Sometimes he'll let it
go for awhile, then come back to it. I truly think he is using it as a safe
spot. And as someone said on the chat boards, it's something he can control,
that is turn on and off at will, unlike life.

Might I offer a possibility that you can dispose of at will. You said that
you had a time where you were down and your son watched a lot of tv. Maybe it
really scared him that you might die, or stay sick forever and he never
verbalized it or even consciously knew it. Maybe sometimes he needs to 'hide
out' in the tv until he feels confident that his own environment is stable,
i.e. you're not going to be hurt again or die and leave him. And maybe, when
he reaches his comfort point with the outside world, he will no longer *need*
the tv and will only use it as an education and entertaining tool.

Brenda


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Bridget E Coffman

On Thu, 13 Sep 2001 02:14:01 EDT brendaclaspell@... writes:
> Ok, I've been thinking a lot about the child as messiah thing and
treating
> everyone as such, which I really believe in, so I feel pretty
hypocritical
> for some of the feelings I've had about you and my brash tones. I'm
sorry.
>

Brenda,
Thank you for your post and your story. I do understand what you are
trying to say and in fact I've already done most of what you advocate. I
had let go of a lot of the 'control' I had been trying to hold on to
about a year ago. But that does not mean I will allow him to injure
himself. Picking his arm open may be a form of coping but I can't let
it continue unchecked because it is destructive. Scratching his head and
sniffing his fingers is not destructive so I don't try to stop that
behavior. TV is a sticky area though. The damage done is a little less
immediate and a little more important. I am NOT talking about damage to
his mind or his mental state. I am talking about damage to his health.
That sedentary lifestyle when it continues for years is not good. He is
already overweight and out of shape. He NEEDS to get away from the TV
and get exercise. He knows it and he feels better when he does and he is
happier when he gets away. But, he is not ready to take sole
responsibility of turning it off himself. Until he is in a position to
control his own compulsion, it is my job as parent to help him learn how.
If you truly have dealt with addiction and OCD you will understand the
difference between an addiction to an injested substance and a compulsion
to behave a certain way. They are not the same and I should not have
used the words interchangeable but I have found that many people do think
of them as interchangeable.

Bridget

~~~~~~~~~~~~ F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If electricity comes from electrons . . .
. . . does that mean that morality comes from morons?