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Before I read any of the day's (okay the overnight's) posts, I want to
pinpoint something we've been making big gestures about, but that is really
smaller and much more profound than the big "whats" and "hows."

Unschooling needs positive regard. It needs sweetness and light. It needs
more "yes!" than "NO!"

It needs a lot more of "This is so cool" than "This is stupid."

One of the worst traits, for me and for my kids, of the schooled kids who
come over, is the studied negativity and rejection of things--activities,
toys, games, music--because they're not "cool." Some people move in a cloud
of disdain, it seems, and not much is going to make them perk up and smile.
They don't want to try new things and they've rejected so many things as
"stupid" that they have precious few options left in the world that they can
get to without going back on something they've declared in the past.

I've seen a few homeschooled kids that way. I'll tell you what the family
symptoms are, and I admit it's a small sample and there could be other
factors: They had a mom or a dad who were (in every case I've seen) young
and who still had a big cloud of that negativity themselves. They hadn't
opened up to the infinite possibilities of the universe in any way
whatsoever. They were self-conscious about what their friends would think if
their kids were reading this or that, or wanted their house to look cool with
all primary-color toys, and so that purple and orange action figure was
"stupid" (because it didn't match or because they didn't want to watch X-men
or whatever, with their kids, because it was "Stupid").

To paraphrase Hamlet, there is nothing stupid but thinking makes it so.

If you tell a child something he likes is stupid, you have just started
digging a chasm between you. Either he will believe you and have less faith
in himself, or he will not believe you and have less faith in you. If it is
repeated ten or twenty times, he might just stop listening to you. If it is
repeated a hundred times, he won't be able to hear you anymore, or if there
are physical restraints added, he might purposely look for things you REALLY
think are stupid, out of spite.

If you don't simply condemn your children and their interests (however minor
they seems to you) as stupid, there is solid ground between you and you can
actually communicate your fears and your own prejudices, IF you do it
respectfully and in full sentences as you would with another adult,
communications stay open. And the parent is in a position to learn WHY the
child really likes that art with the scary-looking dwarf warriors.

When I find myself reacting too flippantly or with an "eeyew!" to something
new the kids are interested in, I try to get back to them in a day or a few
with a calm, intelligent question showing that I was paying attention to them
and requesting more exchange.

Marty has two CDs by a group called Gorrilaz. It's foreign and irritating to
me, and he uses headphones, but sometimes I purposely try to listen calmly
because it would be better for me to get used to it than for me to reject it.
My parents could have totally rejected having any rock'n'roll in the house.
They could have told me the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, and Eric Clapton
were all stupid, but it would only have served to make me think my parents
were stupid and narrow minded. I'm glad they didn't do that. So I've asked
Marty questions to draw him out to say what he likes about them, but real
questions like how many are in the group, and when is another CD coming out,
and do they have videos.

So I went on too long into real life examples, but the main suggestion is to
see whether you can improve the "cool" to "dumb" ratio at your house.

Sandra
--------------------------------

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Bravo Sandra! I printed that one out.

Brenda


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