difficult kids-rather long
Castle Crawford
I have a friend with 3 kids, all a year older than my 3, so we get together often and let the kids all play.
Her kids are all very (what I call) high-maintenance. They scream, hit, run, fight, whine, and are close to uncontrollable. The middle one-a boy, is especially horrid when he is tired. He seems to be in hyper-drive and zips around half killing himself and anyone in his path. They all 3 are easily frustrated and tend to slam anything (or anyone) that does not cooperate into the nearest wall. They need constant feedback and assistance.
My kids, on the other hand, while not perfect, tend to be very laid-back and calm. They mind well, they don't backtalk, they can talk to each other and to adults in plain, clear words-never screaming and using bad words, or throwing things. My friend is CONSTANTLY begging me to tell her what to do about her kids. When we are out in public, she comes to me to make them stop fighting, or let someone else have a turn. She just says, "Esther, I need some discipline in here." I don't yell at them, and certainly have never spanked them, but they listen to me.
I just had been thinking to myself that she needed to be firmer and follow through on a few threats, but reading the descriptions in some of the posts here, I have to wonder. I am not one for giving out advice since kids are not flowers, you can't grow them all basically the same way...
I was wanting to know-since she is asking-WHAT sort of advice I could offer her that could possible be some help.
Thanks!
Esther
We are students of words; we are shut up in schools, and colleges, and recitation rooms, for ten or fifteen years, and come out at last with a bag of wind, a memory of words, and do not know a thing.
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Her kids are all very (what I call) high-maintenance. They scream, hit, run, fight, whine, and are close to uncontrollable. The middle one-a boy, is especially horrid when he is tired. He seems to be in hyper-drive and zips around half killing himself and anyone in his path. They all 3 are easily frustrated and tend to slam anything (or anyone) that does not cooperate into the nearest wall. They need constant feedback and assistance.
My kids, on the other hand, while not perfect, tend to be very laid-back and calm. They mind well, they don't backtalk, they can talk to each other and to adults in plain, clear words-never screaming and using bad words, or throwing things. My friend is CONSTANTLY begging me to tell her what to do about her kids. When we are out in public, she comes to me to make them stop fighting, or let someone else have a turn. She just says, "Esther, I need some discipline in here." I don't yell at them, and certainly have never spanked them, but they listen to me.
I just had been thinking to myself that she needed to be firmer and follow through on a few threats, but reading the descriptions in some of the posts here, I have to wonder. I am not one for giving out advice since kids are not flowers, you can't grow them all basically the same way...
I was wanting to know-since she is asking-WHAT sort of advice I could offer her that could possible be some help.
Thanks!
Esther
We are students of words; we are shut up in schools, and colleges, and recitation rooms, for ten or fifteen years, and come out at last with a bag of wind, a memory of words, and do not know a thing.
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Fetteroll
on 8/18/01 5:55 AM, "Castle Crawford" <ec3forme@...> wrote:
kids that mom doesn't have any power to make things different. For example,
when the kids feel out of control, they know that mom can't make that
out-of-control feeling go away. She may say stop, and even if they do stop,
that out-of-control feeling is still there. So it's sort of like she's
suggesting turning off the light to turn off the radio. They know that her
suggested solution doesn't work.
It suggests a lot that the kids do listen to someone else. Most (though not
all) kids tend to be better behaved for other people. (And some kids who've
been over controlled can be real sweet to strangers and little monsters as
soon as no one's watching. ;-)
Some good books that have been recommended many times are:
How to Talk So Kinds Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber
and Elaine Mazlish. It's a very easy read, full of scenarios and dialogs of
the typical parent child interactions we all end up in and how the standard
reaction leads to a downward spiral and a number of ways to avoid that.
If she has email, you can send her to:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0380811960/qid=984825714/sr=1-1/ref=s
c_b_2/102-3006399-8134511)
Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. *Lots* have people said
it was a life saver.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060923288/qid=996921905/sr=1-1/ref=s
c_b_1/104-6558198-0898344
Joyce
> I just had been thinking to myself that she needed to be firmer and followI suspect the dynamics are about high energy kids and an awareness from the
> through on a few threats, but reading the descriptions in some of the posts
> here, I have to wonder. I am not one for giving out advice since kids are not
> flowers, you can't grow them all basically the same way...
kids that mom doesn't have any power to make things different. For example,
when the kids feel out of control, they know that mom can't make that
out-of-control feeling go away. She may say stop, and even if they do stop,
that out-of-control feeling is still there. So it's sort of like she's
suggesting turning off the light to turn off the radio. They know that her
suggested solution doesn't work.
It suggests a lot that the kids do listen to someone else. Most (though not
all) kids tend to be better behaved for other people. (And some kids who've
been over controlled can be real sweet to strangers and little monsters as
soon as no one's watching. ;-)
Some good books that have been recommended many times are:
How to Talk So Kinds Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber
and Elaine Mazlish. It's a very easy read, full of scenarios and dialogs of
the typical parent child interactions we all end up in and how the standard
reaction leads to a downward spiral and a number of ways to avoid that.
If she has email, you can send her to:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0380811960/qid=984825714/sr=1-1/ref=s
c_b_2/102-3006399-8134511)
Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. *Lots* have people said
it was a life saver.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060923288/qid=996921905/sr=1-1/ref=s
c_b_1/104-6558198-0898344
Joyce