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4yods keeps grabbing things away from 1 1/2yodd, and pushing her, and
yelling at her, etc. I just don't know what to do anymore. Nothing
seems to work. Telling him not to, or just holding her and saying
something like, "I'm so sad. I don't like to see Rachel cry" or
anything. I can't leave them alone together for half a minute, and
even when I'm there, he does this. She still loves her brother, but
she seems to be afraid of him sometimes. Any suggestions??

Melanie in Indiana

Angela

You might try telling him that you and your daughter do not like being
around someone who pushes people and snatches their things away and remove
yourself from the room he is in EVERY time that it happens. Do not give him
attention for doing something that you don't like. Let him be alone for as
long as it takes to agitate him. He seems to be looking for attention. Why
is that do you think? Does he feel that his sister takes some of the
attention from him? Is there a way that you could do something with him
that is special like play games when his sister is sleeping? I am sorry
that this is happening to you. It sounds frustrating. Hope you figure out
something. I am sure there will be lots of good ideas here.


Angela in Maine
Unschooling mom to two beautiful daughters.
www.geocities.com/autonomousangela


-----
4yods keeps grabbing things away from 1 1/2yodd, and pushing her, and
yelling at her, etc. I just don't know what to do anymore. Nothing
seems to work. Telling him not to, or just holding her and saying
something like, "I'm so sad. I don't like to see Rachel cry" or
anything. I can't leave them alone together for half a minute, and
even when I'm there, he does this. She still loves her brother, but
she seems to be afraid of him sometimes. Any suggestions??

Melanie in


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Eileen M.

Have you talked to him about reasons that he might be
doing this? You probably have to suggest possible
reasons; 4yr olds have trouble assessing and
verbalizing their own feelings. At one and a half,
his sister is still young enough to be resented for
the special attention, and old enough to interfere
with his own independent pursuits... a particularly
annoying combination. Especially since girls seem to
be more people-pleasing, and so get more strokes
generally and fewer negative feedbacks than boys do.
*You* might understand that this may have a direct
correlation to apparently controllable behavior on his
part, but chances are your 4 yr old is not
internalizing it that way.

Four is generally a more relational age than three...
at three their focus is on individuating, pushing
limits, testing boundaries and rules; at four they
become more interested again in their connections to
their parents and other loved ones, in how they belong
to and are like their parents. The competition for
time and attention from you may have been subsumed a
bit in that developmental independent pushing at age
three, and be more emotionally immediate for him again
at four... generating more resentment at a time in
which he has more mental and physical resources with
which to express his anger and wreak revenge(and
hopefully oust the Young Pretender).

If you can find the reason(s) that he is acting out,
it will be easier to alleviate the behavior. You can
give him special attention, give him special powers
and independence that your daughter does not have,
both in terms relational to her (being her teacher in
skills he has mastered, taking his word for it and
praising when he 'translates' for her, etc) and in
ways completely independent of her (going to movies
with mom or dad without her, having a different bed
time, being able to choose his own food, etc). Make
sure he has some area that is totally off-limits to
her; all kids are territorial, and like anyone else
have a need for occasional quiet and solitude... make
sure he has that opportunity.

And then (here's the hard part) ignore the attacks...
I don't mean you shouldn't snatch her away. I mean
treat them matter of factly, don't react to them in an
emotional way. Pretend you are picking her up in
order to put her in a chair, change her diaper,
whatever. Reprimands to him or conspicuous comfort to
her will just increase his resentment. And the
possibility is that at least part of the time the
'attack' is actually just a four-year-old's attempt to
interact in an interesting way... he may simply find
her reactions interesting or amusing.

Get her out of the way, distract him with some project
that is more interesting and fun... and then catch him
out at any positive interactions with her and praise
them conspicuously. Any little thing. The more good
feelings you can get him to connect to her and
positive interactions with her, the better. Start out
by praising the tiniest positive action and gradually
raise the bar as he gets acclimated... just like potty
training. :)


--- vouget@... wrote:
> 4yods keeps grabbing things away from 1 1/2yodd, and
> pushing her, and
> yelling at her, etc. I just don't know what to do
> anymore. Nothing
> seems to work. Telling him not to, or just holding
> her and saying
> something like, "I'm so sad. I don't like to see
> Rachel cry" or
> anything. I can't leave them alone together for
> half a minute, and
> even when I'm there, he does this. She still loves
> her brother, but
> she seems to be afraid of him sometimes. Any
> suggestions??
>
> Melanie in Indiana
>
>


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Betsy Hill

>4yods keeps grabbing things away from 1 1/2yodd, and pushing her, and
>yelling at her, etc. I just don't know what to do anymore. Nothing
>seems to work. Telling him not to, or just holding her and saying
>something like, "I'm so sad. I don't like to see Rachel cry" or
>anything. I can't leave them alone together for half a minute, and
>even when I'm there, he does this. She still loves her brother, but
>she seems to be afraid of him sometimes. Any suggestions??

I was wondering how the 1 1/2 year old treats the older one? Is there any
pushing, grabbing and yelling coming from the opposite direction? I know
it's more appropriate/likely at the toddler level, but that doesn't mean
that your son (4) will LIKE it. Make it clear that you eventually expect
the little one to also show genteel behavior. :-) (This is a wild guess,
so if it's off the mark, please ignore it.)

When I was 4 and my little brother was not quite 2, my parents let me have
a lock on my bedroom door so I could persue my own activities some times
without having an impetuous toddler wander in and knock over my stuff. (It
was a lock that was easy for my parents to open from the outside w. a
butter knife or a screwdriver.)

Betsy

DiamondAir

> 4yods keeps grabbing things away from 1 1/2yodd, and pushing her, and
> yelling at her, etc. I just don't know what to do anymore. Nothing
> seems to work. Telling him not to, or just holding her and saying
> something like, "I'm so sad. I don't like to see Rachel cry" or
> anything. I can't leave them alone together for half a minute, and
> even when I'm there, he does this. She still loves her brother, but
> she seems to be afraid of him sometimes. Any suggestions??
>
> Melanie in Indiana


Melanie,
I've been meaning to reply to this one as our kids are really close to the
same age. I have a 4.5 yo ds and a 1.5 yo dd and some days they are just
great - playing together like the best of pals. Some days it is really
tough, especially when I have something I need to get done, LOL. Today I
was packing for our trip, so it was one of "those days". One thing I try to
insist on in our house is that we treat each other respectfully. Anyone who
can't do that can remove themselves to another room or to a quiet spot to
calm down (including DH and I!!). So if either one of my kids is verbally or
physically harming the other, if they can't work it out themselves, I ask
the one who is being the aggressor to come with me to another room to calm
down. Or, if I need to comfort the other one first, I ask the agressor to
wait for me and then after I've comforted the other one, I go and help them
work through whatever the problem is - talking about it, hugging, etc.. With
my two, it's not necessarily the oldest who is the most aggressive. My dd is
a biter and hair puller (which my ds never did at this age), so I have to be
really vigilant as she does this out of the blue. I've also tried to give ds
some places that he can play where my daughter can't disturb his stuff. It
has to be very frustrating for him to build something up only to have her
come and knock it down. I've also noticed that things are much calmer if
they each have some dedicated "mommy time" at some point during the day. My
son gets it when my daughter naps, and my daughter usually gets it after my
son goes to sleep (since he doesn't nap, he usually goes to sleep first and
she's more of a night owl). I try not to make any judgements about anything
I don't see personally, and if the kids aren't getting along, I just take
the tack "I see things aren't working out, why don't we play in separate
rooms until you two feel like playing in the same space again?" and they
usually want to do that. I also remember that the book "Siblings Without
Rivalry" had some good suggestions, I need to re-read it now as my daughter
is getting verbal enough to implement some of their suggestions.

As for your son mostly playing with the neighbors and missing mom time,
perhaps this is part of the problem?? This is hard for me to address as our
kids don't play at other's houses without us there, unless it's a special
occasion and then only with one or two trusted families. Perhaps you can set
up a special time while your daughter naps to do crafts or build with legos
or do some one thing that your son really wants to do. If you made a
schedule (with his input) at the beginning of the day or week, and talked to
him each morning about what that day's activity would be, maybe he would
want to do that instead of hanging with the other kids?? Just some
thoughts.

Good luck, I know that with kids at these ages a day can either be
fabulously brilliant (yesterday I sat in the beautiful sunshine while my
kids played "beavers" and worked together to build a beaver lodge in the
creek by our house with sticks) or a day can be agonizingly chaotic (today
while I tried to pack, my kids took turns antagonizing each other with
whistles and harmonicas until the racket threatened to explode my brain).

Blue Skies!
-Robin-
Mom to Mackenzie (8/28/96) inventer of new and wonderful things
and Asa (10/5/99) singer of protest songs
http://www.geocities.com/the_clevengers Flying Clevenger Family