Re: [Unschooling-dotcom] good touch/bad touch/guarantees
Stephanie Currier
Sandra writes
me, and it was always okay to say "no" to anybody who was bugging them>>
To my mind, this is one of the greatest strengths of *allowing* children to
learn
that they have a voice in their own lives...day by day by day.
At a Daisy GS meeting recently, I noticed that my 5yo daughter was not
participating in a skit/game the other girls were doing. I moved closer to
the game to hear and see what was going on better, and was able to hear her
clearly tell the other girls that she did not wish to play...just didn't
want to.
While with my first daughter Savannah, I would have tried to whisper
something to her about participating or being part of the group, I was just
so pleased to see how well Jordyn expressed her limits and wishes, and I
backed-off. I've done it several times since.
I used to fall into the trap with my oldest, of not remembering what a
valuable skill and safety this is...
that a child, teen, person...any of us...would know how to set limits
clearly. I worry sometimes if she draws back too much. But I need to let
her have her own rhythm, and to encourage clear expression of that rhythm
every step of the way.
At the fair recently, she attempted a ride that made my head spin. I tried
to negotiate with her to wait a year. Nope."I feel that I need to do this."
Okay. She did it. Loved it. Rode it several times afterwards. BUT it was
hard for me to allow her to find her own
comfort zone, and step out of mine.
As a teen walking to and from school, I had many near-misses with all sorts
of would-be predators. As a child I had been taught not to disrespect
authority, or to say "no" to an adult, or to upset or be impolite to anyone.
BIG mistake. I truly believe that predators can smell that training.
To say "NO" to someone, for me, was like asking to be struck by lightening,
so Trusting (or even FINDING)
my instincts in all sorts of situations has taken conscious dismanteling of
*politeness* instilled.
Thanks for your many many honest posts, Sandra.
Steph
>>I didn't use those slogans, but I've said if they ever feel uncomfortablewith or around ANY other person (not just adult, not just older) to talk to
me, and it was always okay to say "no" to anybody who was bugging them>>
To my mind, this is one of the greatest strengths of *allowing* children to
learn
that they have a voice in their own lives...day by day by day.
At a Daisy GS meeting recently, I noticed that my 5yo daughter was not
participating in a skit/game the other girls were doing. I moved closer to
the game to hear and see what was going on better, and was able to hear her
clearly tell the other girls that she did not wish to play...just didn't
want to.
While with my first daughter Savannah, I would have tried to whisper
something to her about participating or being part of the group, I was just
so pleased to see how well Jordyn expressed her limits and wishes, and I
backed-off. I've done it several times since.
I used to fall into the trap with my oldest, of not remembering what a
valuable skill and safety this is...
that a child, teen, person...any of us...would know how to set limits
clearly. I worry sometimes if she draws back too much. But I need to let
her have her own rhythm, and to encourage clear expression of that rhythm
every step of the way.
At the fair recently, she attempted a ride that made my head spin. I tried
to negotiate with her to wait a year. Nope."I feel that I need to do this."
Okay. She did it. Loved it. Rode it several times afterwards. BUT it was
hard for me to allow her to find her own
comfort zone, and step out of mine.
As a teen walking to and from school, I had many near-misses with all sorts
of would-be predators. As a child I had been taught not to disrespect
authority, or to say "no" to an adult, or to upset or be impolite to anyone.
BIG mistake. I truly believe that predators can smell that training.
To say "NO" to someone, for me, was like asking to be struck by lightening,
so Trusting (or even FINDING)
my instincts in all sorts of situations has taken conscious dismanteling of
*politeness* instilled.
Thanks for your many many honest posts, Sandra.
Steph
[email protected]
In a message dated 4/8/01 8:21:04 AM, clownofgod@... writes:
<< As a teen walking to and from school, I had many near-misses with all sorts
of would-be predators. As a child I had been taught not to disrespect
authority, or to say "no" to an adult, or to upset or be impolite to anyone.
BIG mistake. I truly believe that predators can smell that training. >>
I had a couple of scary incidents as a teen. Once a neighbor came onto his
porch with a rifle and called out to me and asked if I was okay. I waved and
said yes, and the four guys in the car who were in the process of getting out
to try to put me in it decided to leave. I am SO glad the neighbor was
looking and saw that happening!!
When my boys were little and I didn't know for sure what kind of parents my
husband and I might grow up to be, I designated another couple of friends of
ours and I told the kids if they ever felt that Keith and I were being bad
parents or we were hurting them or scaring them, to go tell Jeff or Paul
(friends who were at the time in their early 20's). I told Jeff and Paul
that if our kids ever came to them to report anything, NOT to justify our
side, not to shush the kids up, but to be the kids' advocates even if it
meant turning us in to authorities.
That made me feel better, especially after we were homeschooling and (having
been a teacher) I knew the kids were down by one safeguard (adults at school
who might get wise to abuse at home).
As it turned out, though, we've been pretty safe parents. I've lost my
temper with Kirby a couple of times, and I put "a clawmark" on Marty once,
grabbing him and him twisting loose.
I haven't had that kind of talk with Holly. I should. I should remind the
boys, too, although at 12 and 14, I don't think they'd have any trouble
talking to me and Keith directly, and if that didn't help they'd definitely
rat us in to mutual adult friends.
My mom told me early on, "Always tell the truth, even if it were to mean that
me or your dad would have to go to jail because of it." I didn't know until
I was grown what that could mean, but I used to say "Okay." Now I know what
she meant.
I have friends, though, whose parents WERE doing yucko stuff, and used to
swear them to secrecy.
Sandra
<< As a teen walking to and from school, I had many near-misses with all sorts
of would-be predators. As a child I had been taught not to disrespect
authority, or to say "no" to an adult, or to upset or be impolite to anyone.
BIG mistake. I truly believe that predators can smell that training. >>
I had a couple of scary incidents as a teen. Once a neighbor came onto his
porch with a rifle and called out to me and asked if I was okay. I waved and
said yes, and the four guys in the car who were in the process of getting out
to try to put me in it decided to leave. I am SO glad the neighbor was
looking and saw that happening!!
When my boys were little and I didn't know for sure what kind of parents my
husband and I might grow up to be, I designated another couple of friends of
ours and I told the kids if they ever felt that Keith and I were being bad
parents or we were hurting them or scaring them, to go tell Jeff or Paul
(friends who were at the time in their early 20's). I told Jeff and Paul
that if our kids ever came to them to report anything, NOT to justify our
side, not to shush the kids up, but to be the kids' advocates even if it
meant turning us in to authorities.
That made me feel better, especially after we were homeschooling and (having
been a teacher) I knew the kids were down by one safeguard (adults at school
who might get wise to abuse at home).
As it turned out, though, we've been pretty safe parents. I've lost my
temper with Kirby a couple of times, and I put "a clawmark" on Marty once,
grabbing him and him twisting loose.
I haven't had that kind of talk with Holly. I should. I should remind the
boys, too, although at 12 and 14, I don't think they'd have any trouble
talking to me and Keith directly, and if that didn't help they'd definitely
rat us in to mutual adult friends.
My mom told me early on, "Always tell the truth, even if it were to mean that
me or your dad would have to go to jail because of it." I didn't know until
I was grown what that could mean, but I used to say "Okay." Now I know what
she meant.
I have friends, though, whose parents WERE doing yucko stuff, and used to
swear them to secrecy.
Sandra