good touch/bad touch/guarantees?
[email protected]
In a message dated 4/6/01 8:26:13 PM, louisam1@... writes:
<< Personally I never wanted my child to be fearful so I never mentioned any
of the "stranger danger" or "good touch, bad touch" stuff. I simply made
sure it was not a possibility. >>
I didn't use those slogans, but I've said if they ever feel uncomfortable
with or around ANY other person (not just adult, not just older) to talk to
me, and it was always okay to say "no" to anybody who was bugging them.
Holly was molested (finger insertion) by a six year old boy when she was one.
The other boy tried to get Marty (who was four) involved, but Marty talked
to me. It turned out the six year old had been have penis play with lots of
the other boys in our babysitting co-op and had wanted to play with some of
the girls but they had balked at it. He had been exposed to such play by
(possibly among others) a slightly-older neighbor.
We had been warned vaguely by the mom to have him keep his pants on. She
didn't say everyone else had to keep theirs on too--it was summer, playing in
little wading pools and wet sandboxes and in mud were common with that gang.
These weren't adults or even teens.
I have calmly and happily talked to kids about remaining happy, and about not
playing with each others' penises, without describing any horrors. Holly is
very assertive. The talks with her have been more along the lines of
questioning whether various friends (in particular, not a sweep) are nice to
her, whether she trusts them or thinks they're nice. Because of older
brothers, there are lots of older boys around, and it's worth consciously
keeping communication actively open with her because of that.
This probably sounds totally la-la and wimpy to any of you who have
experienced REAL bigtime sexual abuse yourself, or in cases of your kids.
I'm sorry to be that way. I think somewhere between saying nothing and
saying enough to ruin their peace is "the right" thing to say. We all will
guess wrong by a little bit, I figure, but I also think we cannot guarantee
that they will be safe from opportunity for abuse.
Uncles.
Grandfathers.
One-year-older female cousins.
Those were the abusers of the women closest to me. One was a sister-in-law.
One was my sister.
I just lucked out, or I was verbal and intimidating, or both.
Sandra
<< Personally I never wanted my child to be fearful so I never mentioned any
of the "stranger danger" or "good touch, bad touch" stuff. I simply made
sure it was not a possibility. >>
I didn't use those slogans, but I've said if they ever feel uncomfortable
with or around ANY other person (not just adult, not just older) to talk to
me, and it was always okay to say "no" to anybody who was bugging them.
Holly was molested (finger insertion) by a six year old boy when she was one.
The other boy tried to get Marty (who was four) involved, but Marty talked
to me. It turned out the six year old had been have penis play with lots of
the other boys in our babysitting co-op and had wanted to play with some of
the girls but they had balked at it. He had been exposed to such play by
(possibly among others) a slightly-older neighbor.
We had been warned vaguely by the mom to have him keep his pants on. She
didn't say everyone else had to keep theirs on too--it was summer, playing in
little wading pools and wet sandboxes and in mud were common with that gang.
These weren't adults or even teens.
I have calmly and happily talked to kids about remaining happy, and about not
playing with each others' penises, without describing any horrors. Holly is
very assertive. The talks with her have been more along the lines of
questioning whether various friends (in particular, not a sweep) are nice to
her, whether she trusts them or thinks they're nice. Because of older
brothers, there are lots of older boys around, and it's worth consciously
keeping communication actively open with her because of that.
This probably sounds totally la-la and wimpy to any of you who have
experienced REAL bigtime sexual abuse yourself, or in cases of your kids.
I'm sorry to be that way. I think somewhere between saying nothing and
saying enough to ruin their peace is "the right" thing to say. We all will
guess wrong by a little bit, I figure, but I also think we cannot guarantee
that they will be safe from opportunity for abuse.
Uncles.
Grandfathers.
One-year-older female cousins.
Those were the abusers of the women closest to me. One was a sister-in-law.
One was my sister.
I just lucked out, or I was verbal and intimidating, or both.
Sandra
dawn
i've tried to help my kids to trust their instincts. we don't talk about
good touches vs bad touches. WE do talk about appropriate and
inapprpriate behaviors of all kinds and how some are moer or less
appropriate in given circumstances (like what the college students were
doing necking in the foyer of my office building is appropriate in a
different place). We also try to have a wide web of people we designate
as "safe" people...that is people we can trust to keep our children's best
interest in mind if the need ever arose and to whom my kids could turn if
they felt threatened in any way. For example, there is a smallish flea
market here in town run by friends of ours (although since their children
are much younger than mine, my kids haven't spent much time with them and
don't really know them well and probably would be quite quiet with them,
unlike the parents of my kds' friends)...anyway, my boyz were wandering
around the flea market w/o me, with a couple of friends. Looking, not
touching...they were about 100 feet away from me, and while i could se
them, they couldn't see me. They came across a booth that was selling
guns. Because they didn't know immediately wehre i was and they felt
threatened by the guns, they wentt to the kitchen where our friend's wife
was serving food to chek with her if the guns were safe and to ask for
help finding me. I want to give them the autonomy to go off on their own,
but also the skills to maintain a level of comfort and safety. They are
quite discerning, too, when it comes to people...and avoid some of the
people that other kids find "OK"--rather trecely (is that how that is
spelled) people and maintain their distance. I don't want them to think
that there are people out htere waiting to snatch them or harm them, but I
also want them to grow to be aware because I can't be withthem all the
time.
dawn h-s
**********
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
**********
good touches vs bad touches. WE do talk about appropriate and
inapprpriate behaviors of all kinds and how some are moer or less
appropriate in given circumstances (like what the college students were
doing necking in the foyer of my office building is appropriate in a
different place). We also try to have a wide web of people we designate
as "safe" people...that is people we can trust to keep our children's best
interest in mind if the need ever arose and to whom my kids could turn if
they felt threatened in any way. For example, there is a smallish flea
market here in town run by friends of ours (although since their children
are much younger than mine, my kids haven't spent much time with them and
don't really know them well and probably would be quite quiet with them,
unlike the parents of my kds' friends)...anyway, my boyz were wandering
around the flea market w/o me, with a couple of friends. Looking, not
touching...they were about 100 feet away from me, and while i could se
them, they couldn't see me. They came across a booth that was selling
guns. Because they didn't know immediately wehre i was and they felt
threatened by the guns, they wentt to the kitchen where our friend's wife
was serving food to chek with her if the guns were safe and to ask for
help finding me. I want to give them the autonomy to go off on their own,
but also the skills to maintain a level of comfort and safety. They are
quite discerning, too, when it comes to people...and avoid some of the
people that other kids find "OK"--rather trecely (is that how that is
spelled) people and maintain their distance. I don't want them to think
that there are people out htere waiting to snatch them or harm them, but I
also want them to grow to be aware because I can't be withthem all the
time.
dawn h-s
**********
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
**********
Valerie Stewart
dawn h-s
**********
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
**********
Well, we *were* wondering, Dawn....
Valerie in Tacoma
**********
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
**********
Well, we *were* wondering, Dawn....
Valerie in Tacoma
[email protected]
<<I didn't use those slogans, but I've said if they ever feel
uncomfortable
with or around ANY other person (not just adult, not just older) to talk
to
me, and it was always okay to say "no" to anybody who was bugging them.
to stop doing anything they don't like. I consider it just common sense
and a counter measure to the message they are bound to hear of "obey
adults".
I let them know that I will happily deal with anyone who objects to their
"No" and they will NOT be "in trouble". Being able to say "stop" or "no"
is vital in ALL interaction with others.
Kris
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uncomfortable
with or around ANY other person (not just adult, not just older) to talk
to
me, and it was always okay to say "no" to anybody who was bugging them.
>>I did teach them (AM teaching them) that they can tell an adult, even me,
to stop doing anything they don't like. I consider it just common sense
and a counter measure to the message they are bound to hear of "obey
adults".
I let them know that I will happily deal with anyone who objects to their
"No" and they will NOT be "in trouble". Being able to say "stop" or "no"
is vital in ALL interaction with others.
Kris
________________________________________________________________
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dawn
> **********just wanted to clarify;)
> Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
> **********
>
> Well, we *were* wondering, Dawn....
>
[email protected]
<<I think somewhere between saying nothing and
saying enough to ruin their peace is "the right" thing to say. We all
will
guess wrong by a little bit, I figure, but I also think we cannot
guarantee
that they will be safe from opportunity for abuse. >>
It has been hard to come to grips with this, I'm sure it is for most
parents. Our efforts are sure to fall short in one area or another and
even with our best it could happen. I have even worried that my
protective efforts would cause emotional harm. Since the vast majority
of my fears have not been realized I'm determined to relax and get some
joy out this ride.
Kris
________________________________________________________________
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Join Juno today! For your FREE software, visit:
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saying enough to ruin their peace is "the right" thing to say. We all
will
guess wrong by a little bit, I figure, but I also think we cannot
guarantee
that they will be safe from opportunity for abuse. >>
It has been hard to come to grips with this, I'm sure it is for most
parents. Our efforts are sure to fall short in one area or another and
even with our best it could happen. I have even worried that my
protective efforts would cause emotional harm. Since the vast majority
of my fears have not been realized I'm determined to relax and get some
joy out this ride.
Kris
________________________________________________________________
GET INTERNET ACCESS FROM JUNO!
Juno offers FREE or PREMIUM Internet access for less!
Join Juno today! For your FREE software, visit:
http://dl.www.juno.com/get/tagj.