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I'm finally sorting out all the great things people said in response
to my post about Aubrey so I can answer some of the comments.

>>>Aspergers, Autism, Tony Atwood, and bipolar.<<<

Thanks! I'll look into this stuff. I know an Aspergers person, though
and I really don't think that's Aubrey.

>>>Have you been able to talk to your daughter since this happened?
Is she withdrawn? Have you reassured her of your love? She may feel
like she betrayed you. Does your son realize how unfair his question
was? Why did he ask her that in the first place? Do you still notice
the mood swing periods since you have been homeschooling? Does she
communicate her feelings much when she seems down? <<<

Yes, we've talked about it a couple times. No, she's very "up" now
intensely so. In fact, she lapsed into what I can only describe as
manic hysteria earlier. Yes, I'm always telling her I love her. Yes,
I talked to my son about asking the question. Today, probably because
of the incident, Aubrey asked me out of the blue who I loved more,
her or dh, her or ds, dh or ds? To each question I said I love both
as much as I could possibly love anyone. Then she said it's the same
for her, with me and the blanket. Yes, the mood swings are unchanged
since homeschooling, even though she absolutely loves homeschooling.
No, when she's down, she withdraws and won't speak or interact. She
hides in her room, curled up in a ball in bed.

>>>Maybe you could keep a mood journal of sorts and
see if you notice a pattern or possibly something that triggers her
moods.<<<

This is a fantastic idea, and I've already started! Thanks!

>>>she never really did out-grow the thing<<<

A lot of people wrote about older kids still needing blankets or
dolls. I've known people like that, and the blanket and thumb haven't
been a problem, really, except trying to convince her the blanket
needs washing when it smells. It was the incident where my son
questioned her and I felt hurt and she went into a withdrawn stage
that was the problem, not the long-term blanket attachment itself.

>>>You are right to be concerned about how children can
often be over-medicated these days. Maybe the day will come when she
could benefit from medication but I wouldn't think that day is
here.<<<

Yes, I think I'm feeling strong agreement with that at this point.
Someone mentioned someone who was like Aubrey and said it wasn't a
problem until he started self-medicating with alcohol and drugs. I
guess if I see Aubrey heading in that direction, I'll consider
medication.

>>>If you become truly concerned with moodiness and unhappiness as
time goes on perhaps experimenting with the herbal St. John's Wort
could indicate some change.<<<

I've thought of that in the past, but I've been hesitant because SJW
makes *me* burn to a crisp in the sun, and Aubrey has my skin. But
maybe I could start her on it in the fall when it's less sunny and
see if it helps.

>>>Our 7yo, Owen, chews his clothes.<<<

A few people wrote about this. Both my kids chew their clothes until
there are holes in them. Actually, Erik (10yo ds) mostly stopped at
around 9yo. It's not a big issue, except when I see something new
getting holes chewed into it. Then I just ask them to change clothes.
But her blankey is chewed, on and off, all day, every day, for the
past 6 years, ever since she got teeth. In fact, most of the dye has
been chewed out of it, and it's significantly smaller than it used to
be.

>>>I would really hate to see them start to wonder if something
is "wrong with me". To me THAT is much more damaging "Is something
wrong with me?" is a question that haunts many of us from our
childhood, and it breaks my heart when a child starts to wonder
this.<<<

This really hit home. I keep thinking about it. I was always made to
feel there was something wrong with me as a kid. It was my parents'
style to be very critical and unaccepting. I hope that I haven't made
Aubrey feel this way. I'm pretty sure she knows how wonderful I think
she is. She's self-confident and she likes herself, so she probably
does.

>>>The first was that it sounds to me like your daughter's reaction
may be more from feeling like she's being pushed to give up the
blanket than how she separates her attachment to others. She may be
reluctant to admit that it's not as important as any other loved
thing or person for fear it will mean she has to give it up.<<<

This also hit home. I think you're right. She is always afraid when
it's misplaced for a minute or two. Her brother does comment
disparagingly about it sometimes. I mean, it *IS* a very ugly,
tattered thing, and it *DOES* smell sometimes.

>>>The good thing about homeschooling is that Aubrey won't HAVE
teachers and counselors and other kids making her moods worse, or
spotlighting them, or praising her for being "up"<<<

Yes, I don't like when friends or relatives praise her for being
cheerful. (Oh! I see you're in a better mood today! That's great!) I
think that's done less with boys, so it gets my feminist hackles up.
I like to think that BOTH the up and down moods are still Aubrey, and
I don't like it implied that a significant part of her personality is
bad, or that she should pretend to be happy when she's feeling down.

>>>I would recommend dealing gently with Aubrey in the moment. It's
possible that the dye and bacteria aren't as bad as the shaming and
pressure. So because I was that way as a kid too, I teach him
tricks which nobody thought to teach me.<<<

This comment made me blush, because of the words "shame"
and "pressure." I'm embarrassed to think I implied that I shame or
pressure her about her moods, her blanket, her thumb, or anything
else. We are the sort of family where, rather than forbid kids to
swear, we tell them we don't believe certain words are inherently
bad, but that name calling is hurtful and using certain words in
public offendes people who do believe they're bad.So we'd rather they
say shit when they stub their toes than call someone a jerk. But that
lots of people disagree, so saying shit in public isn't a good idea.
This is just an example. We're really not a shaming or pressuring
family at all. However, ds may make her feel shame when he lets her
know he thinks the blanket is gross.

>>>allergy-related behavioral issues.<<<

This is a very good point. We all have allergies and asthma. I
bookmarked the website you mentioned to look at when I get a chance.
Thanks!

>>>I'd suggest maybe contacting La Leche League to see if they have
the name of someone who is pro-attachment and can give you a balanced
viewpoint on whether or not you should seek additional help<<<

This is good advice I hadn't thought of. Thanks! I will do that.

Thanks again to all of you, who amazed me with the time you were
willing to take to offer advice and support. I'm SO glad I found this
group! Love and gratitude, Juli

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In a message dated 4/6/01 10:01:41 PM, yuliwomie@... writes:

<< I've known people like that, and the blanket and thumb haven't
been a problem, really, except trying to convince her the blanket
needs washing when it smells. >>

Can you just hang it outside on the line to let the sun "sanitize it" some
without removing all the juju?

<<Her brother does comment
disparagingly about it sometimes. >>

I think the best thing you can do is persuade the brother to hush up totally.

I hope he's not saying worse things when you're not around.

<<We're really not a shaming or pressuring
family at all. However, ds may make her feel shame when he lets her
know he thinks the blanket is gross.>>

No doubt.
But the question of what she'd rather give up was really unfair, and
shouldn't have been answered (shouldn't have been asked). There can be
inherent and subtle shaming (even about words which are allowed). If the
blanket she loves stinks (or even "smells bad"), that is shame. IT stinks,
or she herself MADE it stink. And because of that stink it is (even
temporarily) taken away from her.

Maybe she can sit out near it when it's on the line.
It can be called "warmed up" instead of "aired out" maybe, or... I don't
know. But if she loves the blanket it might make her feel better to think
her family at least didn't hate the blanket, or had some respect for it.

Sandra