Olivia

Juli, I can't give you any more good advice than others have already given,
but I had to post to you, at least to give you a virtual hug. :-) Your
story touched me as the mom of a spirited, perfectionist and often moody
(for lack of a better word) child, and having been a withdrawn and fearful
kid myself. It pains us so as parents to hear our children say things that
reflect deep emotions that are different than those prized by society: the
world loves confident, happy and outgoing people who have no problems. My
son has said many times in the past that he always feels sad, that he has a
miserable life, and that things always go wrong for him. He takes things
very personally. That was so very hard to hear since we have tried so much
to show our love and provide him with a happy and supportive home. I have
seen him happy, although he can't seem to focus on those feelings, but
rather concentrates on the bad things that happen. This is part of his
basic personality, and I still have to remind myself that his mood is not
always my fault. Homeschooling has gradually allowed him to grow past this
negativity somewhat, probably because he is free to go through these up and
down periods without being criticized by teachers or ostracized by other
kids, and he spends his days in the comfort of his own routines, not those
of others.

I think we all go through mood swings in our life, like growth spurts in
kids. Who is happy all the time?? And we all have crutches to soothe us
emotionally in times of stress. I chewed dozens of pencils and pens as a
kid (probably ingested a lot of lead!), and my son still chews his fingers
and clothing when he is scared or bored. (In fact, I have urged him to chew
his clothing rather than his fingers when we are out to avoid the germs on
his fingers.) I have to admit that after 41 years, I still "twirl" my hair
with my fingers when I am nervous or while concentrating or reading (OK,
I'm doing it right now!), and it STILL bothers my mother! It is just a
means for occupying my hands while my mind is at work. Your daughter has
developed a way to soother herself when she is stressed which is actually
good. I wish I had more concrete advice where the blanket is concerned,
except to not make an issue out of it but rather focus on the positives of
her life.

I have written a lot and not helped any. I like what Laura said in another
post:
""Is something wrong with me?" is a question that haunts many of us from
our childhood, and it breaks my heart when a child starts to wonder this.
You are a good and strong and loving mother. She is your perfect child. You
are so lucky to have each other. Don't let false worries and fear creep in.
Breathe deeply and then start to search for some truth. :)"

Olivia


At 08:59 AM 4/5/01 +0000, you wrote:
>This might be a long one, so I understand some of you
>might have to skip it. But I'd appreciate any advice
>or support from those of you with the kindness and
>patience to hear me out.
>
>My dd is 8yo. There's some suspicion she might be
>bipolar, but we haven't gotten so far yet as to seek a
>diagnosis. Partly that's because I'm appalled at the
>idea of her taking medication. Partly it's a learned
>mistrust of doctors. Partly it's fear/denial.
>
>Anyway, today's incident, which has me in tears off
>and on, concerns her blanket. She has had this special
>blanket she calls BB since she was, oh, 2 or 3. It's
>very special to her, though it's nothing more than a
>raggedy scrap by now. It has to be washed frequently
>because she chews on it. We've talked to her about the
>dye from the blanket getting into her system (she
>sometimes has bright green poop) and about the
>bacteria that grow on it from her saliva. She
>understands this, but she isn't able to give up the
>chewing. She also still sucks her thumb when trying to
>sleep or calm herself.
>
>My ds (10yo) asked her today if she would rather give
>up BB or the cat. She looked horrified at the thought
>of either choice, then said the cat. Ds and I were
>shocked, but I realized it wasn't a fair question
>because of the completely different functions the cat
>and the blanket serve for her. That's like asking me,
>would you rather give up books or your friends?
>
>Then ds asked, "Would you rather lose BB or Mama?" She
>thought and thought and thought for so long I started
>feeling insulted. I said, "Now, really, you don't
>know? I'm your Mama!" She replied, "I'm sorry, Mama,
>but I reeeeeeally need BB." Ds was horrified and
>hugged me and petted my hair. He pressed her and she
>shouted, "It's my personality, it's my life,
>everything!" And then she wouldn't (or couldn't) say
>anything else at all about it.
>
>Now before anyone jumps to the conclusion that we
>somehow have a troubled relationship (I'd give up my
>dad before I'd give up coffee, but then, he's never
>liked me) let me assure you that we are very close,
>very open and communicative, very
>attachment-parenting. We adore each other. The other
>day she woke me with breakfast in bed just because she
>wanted to see my pleased surprise.
>
>However, I can't help being hurt. I keep crying. I
>tell myself we'll talk this over tomorrow and it'll be
>fine. Right now, she's still in her uncommunicative
>stage. Dh is out of town for work, and so is my best
>friend, and so I don't even have them to turn to for
>perspective.
>
>I really think that the reason I'm so teary over this
>is NOT that I believe she loves the blanket more than
>me. In fact, I've always believed that blankies or
>pacifiers or special teddy bears are a symbol of the
>mother. I think the reason I'm so teary is that I'm
>realizing that, first, the deep need of her comfort
>object, and second, the inability to speak after
>saying something that probably horrified her as much
>as it did me, I'm realizing that I'm scared shitless
>that she really is bipolar.
>
>I mean, ONE of the reasons (there are many)
>unschooling is so good for her is that if she's (for
>example) writing one of her illustrated stories, and
>she can't get her letters to line up perfectly and
>goes into an uncontrollable fit, she can stop, go to
>her room, cuddle up with her blanket and come back to
>the story when she's feeling better.
>
>When she was in school (kindergarten and first grade
>and the beginning of second) each year, the teachers
>started off raving about what a happy, cooperative,
>friendly child she was, so well-loved by the other
>children, so kind, etc. Then, each year, there came a
>time when we got a phone call from the teacher,
>wondering if someone had died or if there was a
>divorce going on, because Aubrey had suddenly changed
>dramatically and was now a sullen, teary,
>non-participatory girl who had tantrums and hid from
>the other kids at recess. I would assure them there
>was no problem, that Aubrey is, in fact a very moody
>person, and that this new Aubrey was every bit as much
>the "real" Aubrey as the one they first met. Of course
>they thought I was covering some family secret or
>something. But one day soon, a smiling teacher would
>approach me and say maybe Aubrey had been sick or
>maybe whatever the problem was had been solved but
>they were happy to see Aubrey was back to her "old
>self." This cycle would usually occur once, twice, or
>maybe three times a school year. There'd be referrals
>to the school counselor for various "problems" such as
>perfectionism, inability to stop a creative project
>when it was time to line up (I know, I can see you
>rolling your eyes!)which was called "transition
>problems" and so forth. The the school counselor would
>feel the sweet thrill of success as Aubrey would
>suddenly become sunny and sweet again.
>
>I don't know how to wrap all this up, so I guess I
>just won't. I hope someone had the extraordinary
>patience to read it all.
>
>Juli, who is tearing up again.