Tanya in WA

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>To: <Undisclosed.Recipients@...>
>From: "Tanya Johnson" <tanya2@...>
>Date: Sun, 18 Jul 1999 23:57:55 -0700
>
>>>
>>>
>>> Health Club Membership
>>> For my birthday this year, my wife purchased me a week of private
>>> lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when

>>> I was on
>>> the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to
>>> go ahead
>>> and try it. So I called and made reservations with someone named
>>> Tanya, who said she is a 26 year old aerobics instructor and athletic
>>> clothing
>>> model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get
>>> started...
>>> DAY 1
>>> They suggested I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this
>>> week.
>>> Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I
>>> arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's
>>> something of
>>> a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me
>>> the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She

>>> seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing

>>> next to
>>> her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching
>>> the
>>> aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though

>>> my gut
>>> was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was
>>> talking
>>> to her. This is going to be GREAT.
>>> DAY 2
>>> Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it.
>>> Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the
>>> air. Then she
>>> put
>>> weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the
>>> treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it.

>>>
>>> Muscles feel GREAT.
>>> DAY 3
>>> The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the
>>> counter and moving my mouth back an forth over it. I am certain that I

>>> have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as

>>> I
>>> didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a
>>> little
>>> impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club
>>> members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why
>>> would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete

>>> by
>>> the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make
>>> me
>>> live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.
>>> DAY 4
>>> Tanya was waiting for me with her sadistic vampire teeth in a full
>>> snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late. It took me that
>>> long just
>>> to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya.

>>> The
>>> word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room
>>> until
>>> she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing

>>> machine. It sank.
>>> DAY 5
>>> I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human
>>> being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not

>>> in
>>> extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good
>>> idea to work on my triceps. Well, I have news for you Tanya, I don't
>>> have
>>> triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any
>>> barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage. YOU went
>>> to sadist school, YOU are to blame.
>>> The treadmill she thought I should try flung me back into a
>>> science teacher, which hurt like hell. Why couldn't it have been
>>> someone
>>> softer, like a music or social studies teacher?
>>> DAY 6
>>> Got Tanya's message on my answering machine wondering where I am. I
>>> lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight
>>> hours of
>>> the weather channel.
>>> DAY 7
>>> Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my

>>> wife will give me something a little more fun, like a decade of free
>>> prostate exams or a total dental excision.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
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Tanya in WA (state)



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