Telltale Mommy Signs
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Mothers: A Field Guide
By Mary Akers Guyton
I have often wondered, during those rare times that I
manage to go out in public without my children, if I bear some
distinguishing mark that identifies me as a mother. Surely I must
exhibit certain characteristics unique to mothers of all ages and
income levels.
As a bird watcher looks for an unusual crest or listens carefully for
a specific songbird's call, could not a mother watcher locate a woman
with children, even when she did not have her children with her?
Carrying this one step further, I began to develop a theory that not
only could one recognize a mother, but like the bird watcher, could
identify the various stages of motherhood development through careful
observation. On this premise, I have created a field guide to Mothers
of North America.
A hatchling mother (birth to six months) will exhibit
unique characteristics. She may, while standing in line at
the grocery store, gently bounce a 25-pound sack of potatoes on her
hip, to keep it entertained. She may, upon hearing someone else's baby
cry, quickly cross her arms over her chest to stop the involuntary
milk let-down reflex. She is likely to have mastered the ability to
pick up objects with her feet, without interrupting the ritual baby
dance, perfected in the first six months of motherhood. She will,
undoubtedly, exhibit the universal signs of new motherhood: dark half
moons under the eyes, and a spit-up stain down the back of her left
shoulder.
An examination of her purse contents will reveal baby
Anbesol, Tylenol, elixir with the eye-dropper top; the pediatrician's
office, beeper, and home phone numbers; a two-week-old list of things
to do (still undone); a few birth announcements that have not yet
been addressed; and a large bottle of extra-strength Tylenol.
A nestling mother (6 to 12 months) can be picked out
of a crowd by looking for a woman who double ties her shoes, smells
faintly of diaper wipes and apple juice, and has one arm much stronger
than the other. She will jump to catch any falling object seen out of
the corner of her eye, and will have it in her hand before she is
aware of having reached for it.
An examination of her purse contents will reveal a set
of brightly colored plastic keys, a slightly crushed package of
crackers from the salad bar two weeks ago, the contents of her wallet
strewn all over the inside, a bent pair of sunglasses, and a large
bottle of extra-strength Tylenol.
A fledgling mother (12 to 24 months) will exhibit a singular
vocabulary, rich in two syllable words. A seemingly intelligent
woman will suddenly want to use the potty or show you a boo-boo. She
will be the one looking around anxiously when someone else's child
calls, "Mommy!" The truly devoted will answer, "Right here!" before
embarrassment can win out over instinct. At the end of each day, she
falls exhausted into bed and goes night-night.
In her purse is a crayon fragment, a half-chewed bite
of the grocery store's daily free sample wrapped in a napkin, one
plastic block, and a large bottle of extra-strength Tylenol.
A juvenile mother (two to five years) can also be
easily recognized. Some tell-tale signs are a cartoon-character
bandage on her finger, a ketchup-colored handprint streaked across
her sleeve, and legs that haven't seen a razor lately. She will be
the one with the grateful, silly smile on her lips when the stranger
beside her has a two-year-old clinging desperately to one leg
screaming, "I want it!"
When driving down the highway, you can recognize her as the one who
appears to be talking loudly to herself. Closer inspection will often
reveal one or more full car seats in the back. She's probably singing
"The Wheels on the Bus" with gusto.
Her purse contains Band-Aids; Neosporin; a straw; a Barbie shoe or
Hot Wheels car (or both); an emergency package of candy; a
checkbook covered with artistic renderings of cats, flowers, and suns;
and a large bottle of extra-strength Tylenol.
You will recognize the mature mother (6 to 12 years) as the one who
crosses to the opposite side of the mall and quickens her speed, when
a toy store is spotted. Her grocery store cart will contain three
packs of family-sized hot dogs, a case of Spaghettios, and four
boxes of cereal with three gallons of milk. Savvy in the appropriate
value of a lost tooth when placed beneath the pillow, she is also the
one who will be able to help when a stranger asks, "Does anyone have a
tissue?" This mother only appears to be by herself. Look closely:
her child is probably 10 steps behind her, trailing in anguished
embarrassment, trying desperately to appear alone.
An examination of her purse contents will reveal a permission slip
(due yesterday), a piece of sea grass from the weekend at the beach,
a wilted flower, a Gameboy cartridge, and a large bottle of extra-
strength Tylenol.
In using your field guide, it is important to remember
that a mother can only be spotted during special seasons of her life,
and once mature, she will gradually blend back into society. Her
migratory routes through Toys-R-Us and K-Mart will cease, and the
basic functions of speech and concentration will slowly return.
The final challenge she faces is the difficult and emotional task of
convincing her brood to leave the nest. Depending upon the migratory
habits of her offspring, this may take anywhere from 18 to 36 years.
Kandy
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By Mary Akers Guyton
I have often wondered, during those rare times that I
manage to go out in public without my children, if I bear some
distinguishing mark that identifies me as a mother. Surely I must
exhibit certain characteristics unique to mothers of all ages and
income levels.
As a bird watcher looks for an unusual crest or listens carefully for
a specific songbird's call, could not a mother watcher locate a woman
with children, even when she did not have her children with her?
Carrying this one step further, I began to develop a theory that not
only could one recognize a mother, but like the bird watcher, could
identify the various stages of motherhood development through careful
observation. On this premise, I have created a field guide to Mothers
of North America.
A hatchling mother (birth to six months) will exhibit
unique characteristics. She may, while standing in line at
the grocery store, gently bounce a 25-pound sack of potatoes on her
hip, to keep it entertained. She may, upon hearing someone else's baby
cry, quickly cross her arms over her chest to stop the involuntary
milk let-down reflex. She is likely to have mastered the ability to
pick up objects with her feet, without interrupting the ritual baby
dance, perfected in the first six months of motherhood. She will,
undoubtedly, exhibit the universal signs of new motherhood: dark half
moons under the eyes, and a spit-up stain down the back of her left
shoulder.
An examination of her purse contents will reveal baby
Anbesol, Tylenol, elixir with the eye-dropper top; the pediatrician's
office, beeper, and home phone numbers; a two-week-old list of things
to do (still undone); a few birth announcements that have not yet
been addressed; and a large bottle of extra-strength Tylenol.
A nestling mother (6 to 12 months) can be picked out
of a crowd by looking for a woman who double ties her shoes, smells
faintly of diaper wipes and apple juice, and has one arm much stronger
than the other. She will jump to catch any falling object seen out of
the corner of her eye, and will have it in her hand before she is
aware of having reached for it.
An examination of her purse contents will reveal a set
of brightly colored plastic keys, a slightly crushed package of
crackers from the salad bar two weeks ago, the contents of her wallet
strewn all over the inside, a bent pair of sunglasses, and a large
bottle of extra-strength Tylenol.
A fledgling mother (12 to 24 months) will exhibit a singular
vocabulary, rich in two syllable words. A seemingly intelligent
woman will suddenly want to use the potty or show you a boo-boo. She
will be the one looking around anxiously when someone else's child
calls, "Mommy!" The truly devoted will answer, "Right here!" before
embarrassment can win out over instinct. At the end of each day, she
falls exhausted into bed and goes night-night.
In her purse is a crayon fragment, a half-chewed bite
of the grocery store's daily free sample wrapped in a napkin, one
plastic block, and a large bottle of extra-strength Tylenol.
A juvenile mother (two to five years) can also be
easily recognized. Some tell-tale signs are a cartoon-character
bandage on her finger, a ketchup-colored handprint streaked across
her sleeve, and legs that haven't seen a razor lately. She will be
the one with the grateful, silly smile on her lips when the stranger
beside her has a two-year-old clinging desperately to one leg
screaming, "I want it!"
When driving down the highway, you can recognize her as the one who
appears to be talking loudly to herself. Closer inspection will often
reveal one or more full car seats in the back. She's probably singing
"The Wheels on the Bus" with gusto.
Her purse contains Band-Aids; Neosporin; a straw; a Barbie shoe or
Hot Wheels car (or both); an emergency package of candy; a
checkbook covered with artistic renderings of cats, flowers, and suns;
and a large bottle of extra-strength Tylenol.
You will recognize the mature mother (6 to 12 years) as the one who
crosses to the opposite side of the mall and quickens her speed, when
a toy store is spotted. Her grocery store cart will contain three
packs of family-sized hot dogs, a case of Spaghettios, and four
boxes of cereal with three gallons of milk. Savvy in the appropriate
value of a lost tooth when placed beneath the pillow, she is also the
one who will be able to help when a stranger asks, "Does anyone have a
tissue?" This mother only appears to be by herself. Look closely:
her child is probably 10 steps behind her, trailing in anguished
embarrassment, trying desperately to appear alone.
An examination of her purse contents will reveal a permission slip
(due yesterday), a piece of sea grass from the weekend at the beach,
a wilted flower, a Gameboy cartridge, and a large bottle of extra-
strength Tylenol.
In using your field guide, it is important to remember
that a mother can only be spotted during special seasons of her life,
and once mature, she will gradually blend back into society. Her
migratory routes through Toys-R-Us and K-Mart will cease, and the
basic functions of speech and concentration will slowly return.
The final challenge she faces is the difficult and emotional task of
convincing her brood to leave the nest. Depending upon the migratory
habits of her offspring, this may take anywhere from 18 to 36 years.
Kandy
DO YOU own an on-line business YET? Here's how:
http://www.myfreeoffice.com/kandyc
UNLIMITED long-distance $69.95/month!
http://www.cditelecom.com/261301