Tracy Oldfield

I'm fed up. I seem to be turning into the kind of parent I never
wanted to be. Fussing over the girls, basically bullying them into
tidying stuff up. I feel impotent when I ask one of them to do
something and it doesn't get done, and I know that it's not good for
them or me or all of us, but I'm at a loss. I've got the books (well,
not the Ross Campbell one Sue-in-Cyprus recommended last
time!) even been on the LLL 'Human Relations Enrichment
workshops, their Communicating with Children workshop is
basically the 'How to talk...' book by Faber and Mazlish. For some
reason I'm not drawn back to these books, like I know them
already and reading them again isn't going to make much
difference. The Adult Ed do parenting workshop classes, but I
already go to two classes and don't really have the money or want
to take the time out. So I'm wondering if anyone knows of an
online equivalent, a weekly scheduled chat with a 'workshop-leader'
in residence. Does anyone think this would work, even?

Any help gratefully received!
Tracy

Samantha Stopple

--- Tracy Oldfield <tracy.oldfield@...>
wrote:
> I'm fed up. I seem to be turning into the kind of
> parent I never
> wanted to be. Fussing over the girls, basically
> bullying them into
> tidying stuff up. I feel impotent when I ask one of
> them to do
> something and it doesn't get done, and I know that
> it's not good for
> them or me or all of us, but I'm at a loss.

Dear Tracy,

I feel for you. I have been there and am still there
some days although cleaning isn't an issue because my
kids are still very young.... I wonder if what would
help is to think about the issue of chores/cleaning
and what that brings up from your past? For me its
every time I walk into the kitchen and its a mess. I
relive how I had to do the kitchen all of the time
even though my sister and I were supoosed to trade
every other week. So I think there are your issues to
the cleaning. Then there are whatever your kids feel
about cleaning. Maybe they just don't see it the way
you do or is it clear what needs to be done? Find a
way to break out of the box and see what the real
problem is.

And ...I just finished reading Learning at Home by
Marty Layne. She said you will have a messy house when
you homeschool. Realize you are bringing home the
craft projects, creative play and no custodian to
clean up after it all.

Hope this helps,
Peace,
Samantha

Whose house is currently strewn with yarn and fabric,
packages to be mailed off for the holidays, a vacum
cleaner that hasn't been put away from earlier today,
kitchen sink with dirty dishes, a yule tree with
ornaments only on the top of the tree because ds keeps
removing them.........



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Shelley A Stefanic

> I'm fed up. I seem to be turning into the kind of parent I never
> wanted to be.

My sister-in-law turned me on to this website and I have found it quite
helpful and insightful.
http://www.continuum-concept.org/reading/whosincontrol.html

Peace ~Shelley

Tracy Oldfield

Yes, I know I need to step out of the box, but that's
what I think I need help with, also just reaffirming
that what I've read before and agreed wiht actually
works, taking personalitites into account anyway, even
if I'm not always following it.

Thanks
Tracy


Dear Tracy,

I feel for you. I have been there and am still there
some days although cleaning isn't an issue because my
kids are still very young.... I wonder if what would
help is to think about the issue of chores/cleaning
and what that brings up from your past? For me its
every time I walk into the kitchen and its a mess. I
relive how I had to do the kitchen all of the time
even though my sister and I were supoosed to trade
every other week. So I think there are your issues to
the cleaning. Then there are whatever your kids feel
about cleaning. Maybe they just don't see it the way
you do or is it clear what needs to be done? Find a
way to break out of the box and see what the real
problem is. 

And ...I just finished reading Learning at Home by
Marty Layne. She said you will have a messy house when
you homeschool. Realize you are bringing home the
craft projects, creative play and no custodian to
clean up after it all.

Hope this helps,
Peace,
Samantha

Whose house is currently strewn with yarn and fabric,
packages to be mailed off for the holidays, a vacum
cleaner that hasn't been put away from earlier today,
kitchen sink with dirty dishes, a yule tree with
ornaments only on the top of the tree because ds keeps
removing them.........



__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Yahoo! Shopping - Thousands of Stores. Millions of
Products.
http://shopping.yahoo.com/

Tracy Oldfield

Thanks, Shelley. I have a problem with Liedloff's
work, as well-intentioned as it may be, because others
have found that the Yequana didn't do things exactly
how she says in that book! According to an English
writer, Deborah Jackson, she left bits out, so that us
Western parents didn't get the impression that we could
do them too! Mrs Jackson found this out while
researching her own books on co-sleep and 'relaxed'
parenting. Believe me, my children are not the entire
centre of my attention, though they may be used to it
from others who they deal with alot... hmmm, words may
have to be had...

Thanks
Tracy


> I'm fed up. I seem to be turning into the kind of
parent I never 
> wanted to be. 

My sister-in-law turned me on to this website and I
have found it quite
helpful and insightful. 
http://www.continuum-
concept.org/reading/whosincontrol.html
Peace ~Shelley

[email protected]

Dear Tracy,
Writing this e-mail has been very helpful to me. It's been a good
reminder to myself. I've been really struggling with remembering my skills
and dealing with my emotional reactions lately as all of my kids are now in
different stages of adolescence at ages 11,15 & 19...so thanks! -Amalia-

When the skills just aren't kicking in, I find it's time to delve into
the emotions, to find out what unresolved feelings from my childhood are
being triggered. I don't know if you want another book recommendation but a
really good one is "When your child drives you crazy" by Eda LeShan. There's
a lot in this book about the emotional experience of parenting and the
specific ways we get triggered. Here are some notes:

There are really only a handful of important attitudes and skills essential
to parenting. The catch is that those comprise some of the most profound and
courageous challenges we can ever give ourselves; they have to do with our
ability and our willingness to grow and change all the days of our
lives...Nothing in nature is more complex, more mysterious, than human
beings... We need to examine those times when our children "drive us crazy."
This often occurs when they do things that we were not allowed to do when we
were children ... when they are not as repressed as we were...when they won't
do things that we were forced to do when we were children; because we are
green with envy.

"When you become a parent it is your biggest chance to grow again. You have
another crack at yourself." -Fred Rogers-

Tracy Oldfield

This is interesting, because in fact the opposite is
true, I wasn't expected to do much at home, and in fact
resent that, daft as it sounds. It meant that I grew
up with a very negative attitude to work. Now I
realise that I'm now doing the same thing to my
children but the other way up. The end result will
still be the same, they aren't going to want to do
stuff which smacks of 'work.' I hope that one thing I
do (though I do struggle, and having one conversation
with my mother reminds me why) is allow my children to
express their feelings and acknowledge them. I try to,
anyway.

Thanks
Tracy

Dear Tracy, 
 Writing this e-mail has been very helpful to me.
It's been a good 
reminder to myself. I've been really struggling with
remembering my skills 
and dealing with my emotional reactions lately as all
of my kids are now in 
different stages of adolescence at ages 11,15 & 19...so
thanks! -Amalia- 

We need to examine those times when our children "drive
us crazy." 
This often occurs when they do things that we were not
allowed to do when we 
were children ... when they are not as repressed as we
were...when they won't 
do things that we were forced to do when we were
children; because we are 
green with envy.

"When you become a parent it is your biggest chance to
grow again. You have 
another crack at yourself." -Fred Rogers-