Need advice on parenting
Carol Burke
Hi everyone-
I am a lurker here, but I've hung around this list and
other unschooling lists for quite a long time and now
I need some help.
My dh and I have been making a long, painful
transition over the past few years away from an
authoritative, controlling style of parenting and
living.
Anyway, we have 7 children and my days are just crazy.
But what is especially hard is that there is such a
negativity around here and our kids compete with each
other so much (over everything) that we seem to never
have any peace to do the fun stuff! The kids are:
14yog; 11yob; 9yob;7yob;5yob;2yog and 11 month old
boy.
My dh thinks it's just a numbers game and feels that
I'm overwhelmed. His answer is just to send them to
school. But, I think that would just add other
stresses and really believe that we'd have to tackle
these underneath issues anyhow. I am going to
counseling to work out some of the bits about my own
parents and how I was raised...but when I bring up
parenting there, I hear pretty much the same thing
about time-outs, 1-2-3 Magic, etc...and that's not
what I'm looking for.
I've read tons of parenting materials, but can't seem
to find or articulate exactly what I want and I'm
wondering if anyone just has some good common sense
ideas or whatever. It doesn't have to be from a book.
I don't want to punish my kids in any way right now.
I think it just adds to the negative cycle. But, it
takes SOOOOO much time to be the patient explainer too
and I just don't know if I have it in me with them
home all the time. I've been on the TCS list in the
past, too, but disagree with the strident quality that
sometimes comes across there; plus I do think that
there are times when kids just plain are doing
something wrong and need to be helped not to do it.
As do adults!
I read Emotionally Intelligent Parenting, but they
advocate a thing called "Chill-Out." They say the
idea is to get the kid to take responsibility for
their own behavior and I agree with that logic.
Unfortunately, when it's backed up by Mom or Dad
saying...go chill out and administering the time
clock, then who is it who is controlling behvior?
You can SAY anything you want to kids, but the proof
is in the pudding.
I have one child who is very cooperative when he's
approached gently (duh, aren't we all!) but as soon as
he smells anything that even remotely seems like a
punishment, he'll dig in his heels and pull like a
mule. So what do you do then...add more punishment
and it's a vicious cycle.
I guess what I'm asking for here is practical advice
on how to live a more gentle cooperative life with so
many people under one roof. But, please answer even
if you don't have a big family. Many brains make for
better solutions! I think...or is it too many brains
muddle the soup?
My gut feeling tells me that there is a way to do this
without any kind of restrictions or "punishments,"
time-outs of any kind. But my dh and many other
people tell me I'm too idealistic. I don't mean to
say I will never be human and yell or get irritated.
I just think there's got to be a way of parenting
without controlling them. How do you develop this
thing called self-control and encourage them to set
limits?
I'm not looking for a formula. I was, but I've had to
admit the futility of that route. So, any bits of
wisdom picked up from your collective experiences
would help immensely!
Thanks all!
Carol B.
I am a lurker here, but I've hung around this list and
other unschooling lists for quite a long time and now
I need some help.
My dh and I have been making a long, painful
transition over the past few years away from an
authoritative, controlling style of parenting and
living.
Anyway, we have 7 children and my days are just crazy.
But what is especially hard is that there is such a
negativity around here and our kids compete with each
other so much (over everything) that we seem to never
have any peace to do the fun stuff! The kids are:
14yog; 11yob; 9yob;7yob;5yob;2yog and 11 month old
boy.
My dh thinks it's just a numbers game and feels that
I'm overwhelmed. His answer is just to send them to
school. But, I think that would just add other
stresses and really believe that we'd have to tackle
these underneath issues anyhow. I am going to
counseling to work out some of the bits about my own
parents and how I was raised...but when I bring up
parenting there, I hear pretty much the same thing
about time-outs, 1-2-3 Magic, etc...and that's not
what I'm looking for.
I've read tons of parenting materials, but can't seem
to find or articulate exactly what I want and I'm
wondering if anyone just has some good common sense
ideas or whatever. It doesn't have to be from a book.
I don't want to punish my kids in any way right now.
I think it just adds to the negative cycle. But, it
takes SOOOOO much time to be the patient explainer too
and I just don't know if I have it in me with them
home all the time. I've been on the TCS list in the
past, too, but disagree with the strident quality that
sometimes comes across there; plus I do think that
there are times when kids just plain are doing
something wrong and need to be helped not to do it.
As do adults!
I read Emotionally Intelligent Parenting, but they
advocate a thing called "Chill-Out." They say the
idea is to get the kid to take responsibility for
their own behavior and I agree with that logic.
Unfortunately, when it's backed up by Mom or Dad
saying...go chill out and administering the time
clock, then who is it who is controlling behvior?
You can SAY anything you want to kids, but the proof
is in the pudding.
I have one child who is very cooperative when he's
approached gently (duh, aren't we all!) but as soon as
he smells anything that even remotely seems like a
punishment, he'll dig in his heels and pull like a
mule. So what do you do then...add more punishment
and it's a vicious cycle.
I guess what I'm asking for here is practical advice
on how to live a more gentle cooperative life with so
many people under one roof. But, please answer even
if you don't have a big family. Many brains make for
better solutions! I think...or is it too many brains
muddle the soup?
My gut feeling tells me that there is a way to do this
without any kind of restrictions or "punishments,"
time-outs of any kind. But my dh and many other
people tell me I'm too idealistic. I don't mean to
say I will never be human and yell or get irritated.
I just think there's got to be a way of parenting
without controlling them. How do you develop this
thing called self-control and encourage them to set
limits?
I'm not looking for a formula. I was, but I've had to
admit the futility of that route. So, any bits of
wisdom picked up from your collective experiences
would help immensely!
Thanks all!
Carol B.
[email protected]
In a message dated 11/9/00 12:17:31 PM, Burkfamily9@... writes:
<< 1-2-3 Magic, etc. >>
I've heard of this before but I don't know what it's about. Can someone
enlighten me?
Carol
<< 1-2-3 Magic, etc. >>
I've heard of this before but I don't know what it's about. Can someone
enlighten me?
Carol
[email protected]
I've heard of it, but have never seen it. I know it has a behaviorist slant.
The title turned me off too. Nothing is so easy as 1-2-3 Magic. IMO. Kimme
The title turned me off too. Nothing is so easy as 1-2-3 Magic. IMO. Kimme
[email protected]
Hi Carol,
I too was raised in harsher ways than what I want for my children, and I
think you may have an ally(?Spelling) with your children. Some of them are
old enough to know what it is in your family that drives them crazy- what
soutions they want to see. Ask them what their ideal is. You know its not
making you happy, and if your not happy then they are not either. Map it out
on paper, what are goals you can all live with. Use signs and symbols to
help the little ones remember routines ( we used ones that are used for
autistic children or try graphics from your computer), ways of dealing with
each other and correct behavior. When you are slipping from the ideal its
time to go back to the drawing board and make revisions- with your husbands
and childrens help. You have taken a very big step and I congratulate
you-MOST DO NOT HAVE THE COURAGE- to change old patterns. Don't be hard on !
yourself everything takes time, and every step forward or backwards is a
process of change. Good Luck, and don"t lose hope. You are a great mother
for wanting this change!
I too was raised in harsher ways than what I want for my children, and I
think you may have an ally(?Spelling) with your children. Some of them are
old enough to know what it is in your family that drives them crazy- what
soutions they want to see. Ask them what their ideal is. You know its not
making you happy, and if your not happy then they are not either. Map it out
on paper, what are goals you can all live with. Use signs and symbols to
help the little ones remember routines ( we used ones that are used for
autistic children or try graphics from your computer), ways of dealing with
each other and correct behavior. When you are slipping from the ideal its
time to go back to the drawing board and make revisions- with your husbands
and childrens help. You have taken a very big step and I congratulate
you-MOST DO NOT HAVE THE COURAGE- to change old patterns. Don't be hard on !
yourself everything takes time, and every step forward or backwards is a
process of change. Good Luck, and don"t lose hope. You are a great mother
for wanting this change!
[email protected]
-=-I guess what I'm asking for here is practical advice
on how to live a more gentle cooperative life with so
many people under one roof.-=-
Maybe when there's a disagreement, ask the involved kids which of the other
kids they would accept as a mediator/go-between/judge.
Maybe sometimes ask advice of the child you think can see the situation most
clearly, or who is the most available and calm when you're needing an idea.
Lots of times when I'm frustrated with one of my kids and can't think of how
to handle a situation, one of the others is willing to think/talk it through
with me and their insights are good.
I only have three, but when I was teaching and there were disputes or
problems, I'd ask each of the two principals to choose a witness and the five
of us would go out away from the group (into the hallway) and I'd state the
problem and the two witnesses would propose a solution. The kids took things
better coming from other kids sometimes. It wasn't me being arbitrary and
controlling--it was a solution agreed to in a group (and I often got the
happy joy of softening the proposed solution--kids can come up with some
rough sentences!!).
Sandra
on how to live a more gentle cooperative life with so
many people under one roof.-=-
Maybe when there's a disagreement, ask the involved kids which of the other
kids they would accept as a mediator/go-between/judge.
Maybe sometimes ask advice of the child you think can see the situation most
clearly, or who is the most available and calm when you're needing an idea.
Lots of times when I'm frustrated with one of my kids and can't think of how
to handle a situation, one of the others is willing to think/talk it through
with me and their insights are good.
I only have three, but when I was teaching and there were disputes or
problems, I'd ask each of the two principals to choose a witness and the five
of us would go out away from the group (into the hallway) and I'd state the
problem and the two witnesses would propose a solution. The kids took things
better coming from other kids sometimes. It wasn't me being arbitrary and
controlling--it was a solution agreed to in a group (and I often got the
happy joy of softening the proposed solution--kids can come up with some
rough sentences!!).
Sandra
[email protected]
--- In [email protected], Carol Burke <Burkfamily9@y...>
wrote:
Anyways
I see that you mentioned TCS and I must say that their website etc
helped me to some degree, but I too have children that just DO NOT
fit into their mold!
Some of my kids seem to almost demand that I scream!
I swear they must think up ways to get me to yell
But anyways trying to think what has worked for us. I think you
mentioned a war zone (we have that), but I often find when they are
their most loud and unruly they are actually quite funny and why not
join in?
Although this does not always work (sometimes I am way too tired,
needy, emotionally drained etc) I find that most situations that I
become involved in (negative ones) become some type of battle with
mom, so I usually sit back and chew my nails and they seem to work it
out for themselves. I see in my one son that he wants me to become
involved and for him I have to hide my head and run for the hills, no
really I have to step carefully so as not to fall into his trap. I
know that sounds sick and strange, but he really asks for my anger (I
have had a rough time with him and we have been trying the past few
years to get out of our angry dance) and I really try to stay away
from it. The other kids pretty much know their limits (as in things
that would really not be a good idea IE...smearing the dog with
jelly, turning the floor into lunch, those types of things) and we
pretty much try to respect one another, although I do not see where
making a huge mess and leaving it for me fits in, but I am hoping one
day a light bulb will go off somewhere. Anyways I am really trying
to say something and I think I have not said a whole lot. I think
when one is walking away from a authoratative parenting style the
kids tend to ask for that back.....I think they are expecting it and
wonder when it will pop up and bite them in the ass.
Perhaps a meeting discussing the new styles or new "rules" etc would
help the situation. I know there are times when I fail to tell my
kids what is going on in their world!
Well I hope that I helped somehow
Love POD......mother of 6 soon to be 7 and so excited
wrote:
>I am a lurker myself and got up bored at 5:30 AM
> Hi everyone-
>
> I am a lurker here, but I've hung around this list and
> other unschooling lists for quite a long time and now
> I need some help.
>
> My dh and I have been making a long, painful
> transition over the past few years away from an
> authoritative, controlling style of parenting and
> living.
Anyways
I see that you mentioned TCS and I must say that their website etc
helped me to some degree, but I too have children that just DO NOT
fit into their mold!
Some of my kids seem to almost demand that I scream!
I swear they must think up ways to get me to yell
But anyways trying to think what has worked for us. I think you
mentioned a war zone (we have that), but I often find when they are
their most loud and unruly they are actually quite funny and why not
join in?
Although this does not always work (sometimes I am way too tired,
needy, emotionally drained etc) I find that most situations that I
become involved in (negative ones) become some type of battle with
mom, so I usually sit back and chew my nails and they seem to work it
out for themselves. I see in my one son that he wants me to become
involved and for him I have to hide my head and run for the hills, no
really I have to step carefully so as not to fall into his trap. I
know that sounds sick and strange, but he really asks for my anger (I
have had a rough time with him and we have been trying the past few
years to get out of our angry dance) and I really try to stay away
from it. The other kids pretty much know their limits (as in things
that would really not be a good idea IE...smearing the dog with
jelly, turning the floor into lunch, those types of things) and we
pretty much try to respect one another, although I do not see where
making a huge mess and leaving it for me fits in, but I am hoping one
day a light bulb will go off somewhere. Anyways I am really trying
to say something and I think I have not said a whole lot. I think
when one is walking away from a authoratative parenting style the
kids tend to ask for that back.....I think they are expecting it and
wonder when it will pop up and bite them in the ass.
Perhaps a meeting discussing the new styles or new "rules" etc would
help the situation. I know there are times when I fail to tell my
kids what is going on in their world!
Well I hope that I helped somehow
Love POD......mother of 6 soon to be 7 and so excited
Carol Burke
Sandra wrote in part:
around here! I like your ideas, though. Maybe using
uninvolved witnesses would take some of the steam out
of the situation. I've thought even about taking a
class in conflict resolution. I know you don't always
need a class, but right now my brain just feels so
fried that any new perspective is welcome.
Thanks again...
Carol
> (and I often got theYes, I know...they really come up with some humdingers
> happy joy of softening the proposed solution--kids
> can come up with some
> rough sentences!!).
>
around here! I like your ideas, though. Maybe using
uninvolved witnesses would take some of the steam out
of the situation. I've thought even about taking a
class in conflict resolution. I know you don't always
need a class, but right now my brain just feels so
fried that any new perspective is welcome.
Thanks again...
Carol
DiamondAir
> From: Carol Burke <Burkfamily9@...>Most of what I've found that works has come from the book "How To Talk So
> I've read tons of parenting materials, but can't seem
> to find or articulate exactly what I want and I'm
> wondering if anyone just has some good common sense
> ideas or whatever. It doesn't have to be from a book.
Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Faber and Mazlisch. This
is a great book with tons of concrete examples (done in little cartoons),
checklists that you can print out and put on the fridge (this helps me),
etc. The ideas are simple and straightforward and child-respecting. When I
can remember to use them, they almost always work. You will not find
time-outs or punitive parenting in this book.
The other thing that helps me (again, when I remember it, LOL!) is that kids
learn primarily through example, not through instruction. If I want my kids
to have self-control, I must practice self-control. If I want them to handle
their emotions well, I need to express and handle mine well. Etc. etc.
One more thought that occurred to me is that you might want to involve more
rituals and rhythms in your day. I don't know how it would work with such an
age-spread of kids, but having simple routines for greeting the morning,
coming together for reading or song, etc. has really helped make our day
less chaotic and more enjoyable. I found the book "Seven Times the Sun -
Guiding your child through the rhythms of the day" to be helpful. We have a
song for greeting the morning, we gather for breakfast, then we each
play/read on our own for awhile, we do "circle time" where we come together
to read, sing, play games, then we do chores, and then usually our main
activity of the day. That's just an example of the kinds of rhythms that
have helped our days have more focus.
Blue Skies!
-Robin-
Mom to Mackenzie (8/28/96) who has 36 imaginary baby lobsters following him
around
and Asa (10/5/99) who plays the kazoo
http://www.geocities.com/the_clevengers Flying Clevenger Family
[email protected]
In a message dated 11/10/00 11:00:26 AM Pacific Standard Time,
diamondair@... writes:
<< Most of what I've found that works has come from the book "How To Talk So
Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Faber and Mazlisch >>
I used this book a lot when my kids were younger. I also highly recommend
it's companion books "Siblings Without Rivalry" and "Liberated Parents,
Liberated Children" These days I'm into "P.E.T." and "P.E.T. in Action"
(Parent Effectiveness Training) by Thomas Gordon. Both of these approaches
are non-coercive and respectful of children.
diamondair@... writes:
<< Most of what I've found that works has come from the book "How To Talk So
Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Faber and Mazlisch >>
I used this book a lot when my kids were younger. I also highly recommend
it's companion books "Siblings Without Rivalry" and "Liberated Parents,
Liberated Children" These days I'm into "P.E.T." and "P.E.T. in Action"
(Parent Effectiveness Training) by Thomas Gordon. Both of these approaches
are non-coercive and respectful of children.
Carol Burke
Pod wrote:
times I've read your posts and just burst out laughing
because it sounds so much like home.
I love your style of writing that seems so casual and
yet gets others to think!
I love the word pictures of your chaos!
So, thanks. Keep posting.
I do a dance with one of my kids, too. He is 11 and
is very negative. Everything seems like it's done to
bug someone. Drives me crazy...makes me angry or feel
like bursting into tears. Sometimes I'm just so tired
I can't cope with all the demands. Someone once told
me that my problem is that I'm trying to raise seven
children like they are all only children. I
considered it a compliment...but I don't think it was
meant that way! They didn't know how much they had
hit upon my philosophy!
Good luck with Number 7!
Carol B.
> Well I hope that I helped somehowOh...you don't know how much you've helped. So many
> Love POD......mother of 6 soon to be 7 and so
> excited
>
>
>
times I've read your posts and just burst out laughing
because it sounds so much like home.
I love your style of writing that seems so casual and
yet gets others to think!
I love the word pictures of your chaos!
So, thanks. Keep posting.
I do a dance with one of my kids, too. He is 11 and
is very negative. Everything seems like it's done to
bug someone. Drives me crazy...makes me angry or feel
like bursting into tears. Sometimes I'm just so tired
I can't cope with all the demands. Someone once told
me that my problem is that I'm trying to raise seven
children like they are all only children. I
considered it a compliment...but I don't think it was
meant that way! They didn't know how much they had
hit upon my philosophy!
Good luck with Number 7!
Carol B.
Carol Burke
Robin wrote, in part:
this book and Sibling Rivalry, too. Maybe it's time
to check it out again.
I liked your ideas about daily rhythms, too. But, it
seems like that is also part of what the problem is
now. Things that used to work don't hold the kid's
attention anymore. We have always gathered right
after breakfast for candle time where we read stories
and talk about the plans for the day and do prayers
and meditations, etc. But, now the kids just seem to
want to bug each other...there's constant touching and
teasing and name calling whenever we try to do these
things.
We've also for many years had a family tradition of
gathering after lunch on the couch and I usually read
aloud from a book and often the kids read aloud, too
and then we each read a book of our own. But, this
time lately, too, has been just filled with bickering
about who is going to sit where and what blanket they
want and pretty soon I lose my temper because I'm just
so tired of hearing all these problems over nothing!
Anyway, I won't go on and on. But thanks again for
your suggestions. It's always good to re-evaluate
what you're doing!
Carol B.
>Thanks for all your suggestions, Robin. I have read
> Most of what I've found that works has come from the
> book "How To Talk So
> Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk" by
> Faber and Mazlisch. This
> is a great book with tons of concrete examples (done
> in little cartoons),
> checklists that you can print out and put on the
> fridge (this helps me),
> etc. The ideas are simple and straightforward and
> child-respecting. When I
> can remember to use them, they almost always work.
> You will not find
> time-outs or punitive parenting in this book.>>
this book and Sibling Rivalry, too. Maybe it's time
to check it out again.
I liked your ideas about daily rhythms, too. But, it
seems like that is also part of what the problem is
now. Things that used to work don't hold the kid's
attention anymore. We have always gathered right
after breakfast for candle time where we read stories
and talk about the plans for the day and do prayers
and meditations, etc. But, now the kids just seem to
want to bug each other...there's constant touching and
teasing and name calling whenever we try to do these
things.
We've also for many years had a family tradition of
gathering after lunch on the couch and I usually read
aloud from a book and often the kids read aloud, too
and then we each read a book of our own. But, this
time lately, too, has been just filled with bickering
about who is going to sit where and what blanket they
want and pretty soon I lose my temper because I'm just
so tired of hearing all these problems over nothing!
Anyway, I won't go on and on. But thanks again for
your suggestions. It's always good to re-evaluate
what you're doing!
Carol B.
>
Carol Burke
Hi:
You wrote:
These days I'm into "P.E.T." and
I'm cynical about anything that resembles a "system."
But, I'm not being fair because I haven't read this
material.
I do know that my father, who was a minister, actually
taught P.E.T. classes back in the 1970's. Maybe
that's where my cynicism comes from. Without trying
to father-bash, he was anything but non-coercive and
respectful at home!
I'll read it with an open mind, though. Thanks for
all your suggestions!
Take care-
Carol B.
You wrote:
These days I'm into "P.E.T." and
> "P.E.T. in Action"I've often wondered about these books, but as always
> (Parent Effectiveness Training) by Thomas Gordon.
> Both of these approaches
> are non-coercive and respectful of children.
I'm cynical about anything that resembles a "system."
But, I'm not being fair because I haven't read this
material.
I do know that my father, who was a minister, actually
taught P.E.T. classes back in the 1970's. Maybe
that's where my cynicism comes from. Without trying
to father-bash, he was anything but non-coercive and
respectful at home!
I'll read it with an open mind, though. Thanks for
all your suggestions!
Take care-
Carol B.
Valerie
I usually read
aloud from a book and often the kids read aloud, too
and then we each read a book of our own. But, this
time lately, too, has been just filled with bickering
about who is going to sit where and what blanket they
want and pretty soon I lose my temper because I'm just
so tired of hearing all these problems over nothing!
Wow Carol...we're living parallel lives. Last night it almost killed me to
get through 2 chapters of a book. The youngest got into a bag of sugar and
talked non-stop, another was jumping on the couch, and the other two just
kept plain interrupting and crabbing at the others. <sigh>
--Valerie
aloud from a book and often the kids read aloud, too
and then we each read a book of our own. But, this
time lately, too, has been just filled with bickering
about who is going to sit where and what blanket they
want and pretty soon I lose my temper because I'm just
so tired of hearing all these problems over nothing!
Wow Carol...we're living parallel lives. Last night it almost killed me to
get through 2 chapters of a book. The youngest got into a bag of sugar and
talked non-stop, another was jumping on the couch, and the other two just
kept plain interrupting and crabbing at the others. <sigh>
--Valerie
[email protected]
In a message dated 11/10/00 9:08:46 PM Pacific Standard Time,
Burkfamily9@... writes:
<< I've often wondered about these books, but as always
I'm cynical about anything that resembles a "system." >>
The truth is I read the books and then try to integrate the ideas and
attitudes. I often feel inadequate for not being able to stick to the system,
you've helped me realize that maybe that's not such a bad thing.
<< he was anything but non-coercive and respectful at home!>>
I sure can relate to this! My mother was a social worker who worked with
children and later with the elderly. She was emotionally abusive to me and my
sisters a lot of the time at home. I have the tendency to act like her more
than I want to admit. one difference is that my kids have been raised in an
open environment and don't hesitate to say, "Watch it Mom, you're starting to
act like you say Grandma used to." By the way, part of how all the
communication stuff I've learned from works for me is that my kids can give
me feedback. Good luck! Remember that undoing the old patterns takes time
and can look messy while in process. -Amalia-
Burkfamily9@... writes:
<< I've often wondered about these books, but as always
I'm cynical about anything that resembles a "system." >>
The truth is I read the books and then try to integrate the ideas and
attitudes. I often feel inadequate for not being able to stick to the system,
you've helped me realize that maybe that's not such a bad thing.
<< he was anything but non-coercive and respectful at home!>>
I sure can relate to this! My mother was a social worker who worked with
children and later with the elderly. She was emotionally abusive to me and my
sisters a lot of the time at home. I have the tendency to act like her more
than I want to admit. one difference is that my kids have been raised in an
open environment and don't hesitate to say, "Watch it Mom, you're starting to
act like you say Grandma used to." By the way, part of how all the
communication stuff I've learned from works for me is that my kids can give
me feedback. Good luck! Remember that undoing the old patterns takes time
and can look messy while in process. -Amalia-
Sarah Carothers
I had a thought about this
situation. Rather than appearing that they're doing *you* a favor by listening
to you read, try this...
Go to a quiet room, say your bedroom
and begin reading. If somebody comes along and wants to quietly and
cooperatively join you, fine... but let it be on *your* terms. If somebody
bickers, out they go! Let the battling bickersons go outside and rake leaves or
something ;-)
Sarah
----- Original Message -----From: Tracy OldfieldAre they telling you they're fed-up of this routine?
We are unschoolers, and this does sound to me like
they're trying to tell you something! Just a thought,
from someone with only 2 children...
Tracy
I usually read
aloud from a book and often the kids read aloud, too
and then we each read a book of our own. But, this
time lately, too, has been just filled with bickering
about who is going to sit where and what blanket they
want and pretty soon I lose my temper because I'm just
so tired of hearing all these problems over nothing!
Tracy Oldfield
Are they telling you they're fed-up of this routine?
We are unschoolers, and this does sound to me like
they're trying to tell you something! Just a thought,
from someone with only 2 children...
Tracy
I usually read
aloud from a book and often the kids read aloud, too
and then we each read a book of our own. But, this
time lately, too, has been just filled with bickering
about who is going to sit where and what blanket they
want and pretty soon I lose my temper because I'm just
so tired of hearing all these problems over nothing!
Wow Carol...we're living parallel lives. Last night it
almost killed me to
get through 2 chapters of a book. The youngest got into
a bag of sugar and
talked non-stop, another was jumping on the couch, and
the other two just
kept plain interrupting and crabbing at the others.
<sigh>
--Valerie
We are unschoolers, and this does sound to me like
they're trying to tell you something! Just a thought,
from someone with only 2 children...
Tracy
I usually read
aloud from a book and often the kids read aloud, too
and then we each read a book of our own. But, this
time lately, too, has been just filled with bickering
about who is going to sit where and what blanket they
want and pretty soon I lose my temper because I'm just
so tired of hearing all these problems over nothing!
Wow Carol...we're living parallel lives. Last night it
almost killed me to
get through 2 chapters of a book. The youngest got into
a bag of sugar and
talked non-stop, another was jumping on the couch, and
the other two just
kept plain interrupting and crabbing at the others.
<sigh>
--Valerie
Elizabeth McCullough
The only successful pattern I've been able to come up with in 10 years is to
keep changing the pattern. I've found that taking the jacket blurbs on
parenting books too seriously (Use our amazing method, and your children
will never disobey you again!) only leads to disappointment. Read them all,
glean what's useful here and there, be as consistent as possible without
indulging foolish hobgoblins, and realize that it's a kid's job to stay one
step ahead of you. Never, ever, ever have I been successful in
"eliminating" one problem without another cropping up to take its place. If
I get bedtimes under control, mealtime becomes the battleground. Mealtimes
are resolved, the children stop listening. I regain their attention, and
now they are backtalking. Around and around we go. The individuals battles
don't matter; the lessons being learned are self-discipline, self-control,
respect, and love, and that goes for myself and my husband as much as the
kids.
Elizabeth McCullough
Virginia
-----Original Message-----
From: Tracy Oldfield [mailto:tracy.oldfield@...]
Sent: Sunday, November 12, 2000 6:05 PM
To: [email protected]
Subject: RE: [Unschooling-dotcom] Re: Need advice on parenting
Are they telling you they're fed-up of this routine?
We are unschoolers, and this does sound to me like
they're trying to tell you something! Just a thought,
from someone with only 2 children...
Tracy
I usually read
aloud from a book and often the kids read aloud, too
and then we each read a book of our own. But, this
time lately, too, has been just filled with bickering
about who is going to sit where and what blanket they
want and pretty soon I lose my temper because I'm just
so tired of hearing all these problems over nothing!
Wow Carol...we're living parallel lives. Last night it
almost killed me to
get through 2 chapters of a book. The youngest got into
a bag of sugar and
talked non-stop, another was jumping on the couch, and
the other two just
kept plain interrupting and crabbing at the others.
<sigh>
--Valerie
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keep changing the pattern. I've found that taking the jacket blurbs on
parenting books too seriously (Use our amazing method, and your children
will never disobey you again!) only leads to disappointment. Read them all,
glean what's useful here and there, be as consistent as possible without
indulging foolish hobgoblins, and realize that it's a kid's job to stay one
step ahead of you. Never, ever, ever have I been successful in
"eliminating" one problem without another cropping up to take its place. If
I get bedtimes under control, mealtime becomes the battleground. Mealtimes
are resolved, the children stop listening. I regain their attention, and
now they are backtalking. Around and around we go. The individuals battles
don't matter; the lessons being learned are self-discipline, self-control,
respect, and love, and that goes for myself and my husband as much as the
kids.
Elizabeth McCullough
Virginia
-----Original Message-----
From: Tracy Oldfield [mailto:tracy.oldfield@...]
Sent: Sunday, November 12, 2000 6:05 PM
To: [email protected]
Subject: RE: [Unschooling-dotcom] Re: Need advice on parenting
Are they telling you they're fed-up of this routine?
We are unschoolers, and this does sound to me like
they're trying to tell you something! Just a thought,
from someone with only 2 children...
Tracy
I usually read
aloud from a book and often the kids read aloud, too
and then we each read a book of our own. But, this
time lately, too, has been just filled with bickering
about who is going to sit where and what blanket they
want and pretty soon I lose my temper because I'm just
so tired of hearing all these problems over nothing!
Wow Carol...we're living parallel lives. Last night it
almost killed me to
get through 2 chapters of a book. The youngest got into
a bag of sugar and
talked non-stop, another was jumping on the couch, and
the other two just
kept plain interrupting and crabbing at the others.
<sigh>
--Valerie
Message boards, timely articles, a free newsletter and more!
Check it all out at: http://www.unschooling.com
Addresses:
Post message: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
List owner: [email protected]
List settings page: http://www.egroups.com/group/Unschooling-dotcom
Carol Burke
Amalia wrote:
Good luck! Remember that undoing the
Thanks for the encouragement and sharing. I try to
let my kids give me feedback, too, but they always
intuitively seem to pick the worst time to do it!
BTW, I love your name, Amalia. Is there a story
behind it?
Take care-
Carol B.
Good luck! Remember that undoing the
> old patterns takes timeThat's probably part of the problem...I hate messes!
> and can look messy while in process. -Amalia-
>
Thanks for the encouragement and sharing. I try to
let my kids give me feedback, too, but they always
intuitively seem to pick the worst time to do it!
BTW, I love your name, Amalia. Is there a story
behind it?
Take care-
Carol B.
[email protected]
In a message dated 11/12/00 3:39:14 PM Pacific Standard Time,
emccullough@... writes:
<< Use our amazing method, and your children
will never disobey you again! >>
That's part of why I love Faber and Mazlish and P.E.T., neither makes these
promises:>) I know what you mean about those books, I've always steered clear
of them. -Amalia-
emccullough@... writes:
<< Use our amazing method, and your children
will never disobey you again! >>
That's part of why I love Faber and Mazlish and P.E.T., neither makes these
promises:>) I know what you mean about those books, I've always steered clear
of them. -Amalia-
[email protected]
In a message dated 11/12/00 7:20:20 PM Pacific Standard Time,
Burkfamily9@... writes:
<< but they always
intuitively seem to pick the worst time to do it! >>
But of course! That's how it works:>)
<< BTW, I love your name, Amalia. Is there a story
behind it?>>
Thanks! I chose it about 13 years ago as my spiritual name. I can hardly
remember what I thought it meant at the time, but later when I looked in a
name book it said it meant,"industrious woman," which is really funny because
I am anything but and am striving for it...which I now know is how spiritual
names often work. I got it from Anna Amalia of Saxe Weimar who was a German
composer.
Burkfamily9@... writes:
<< but they always
intuitively seem to pick the worst time to do it! >>
But of course! That's how it works:>)
<< BTW, I love your name, Amalia. Is there a story
behind it?>>
Thanks! I chose it about 13 years ago as my spiritual name. I can hardly
remember what I thought it meant at the time, but later when I looked in a
name book it said it meant,"industrious woman," which is really funny because
I am anything but and am striving for it...which I now know is how spiritual
names often work. I got it from Anna Amalia of Saxe Weimar who was a German
composer.
Carol Burke
Amalia wrote:
this Amalia, but I've never heard of taking a
spiritual name and it sounds fascinating. Is it part
of a ceremony or something?
Always curious Carol (just don't answer if I ask
things you don't want to tell me...I won't be offended!)
> Thanks! I chose it about 13 years ago as myI can hardly believe I'm going to bug you more about
> spiritual name. >>
this Amalia, but I've never heard of taking a
spiritual name and it sounds fascinating. Is it part
of a ceremony or something?
Always curious Carol (just don't answer if I ask
things you don't want to tell me...I won't be offended!)