Shannon Nicoletta Manns

> To be very open and honest Nicoletta, I am from an abusive family as
> well. There was abuse left and right and I was the one who received
> the brunt of the abuse

Corallyn,

I empathize with you and what you endured as a child and teenager.

When I was about seven years old, one Sunday morning I got out of bed, went
to my aunt's room and took a handful of change from her bedside table. I
went back to bed to 'play' with the money. I basically just liked the sound
of the coins running through my fingers; the thought that I might be doing
something "wrong" didn't really fully enter my mind. Then my aunt came up
the stairs, heard the sound of money and asked me what I was doing. I don't
know why, but I felt myself contract when she asked the question and I said
"nothing". When she asked what it was I was playing with in my bed, again I
said "nothing". She came into the room and pulled the covers back to reveal
the handful of change and asked me where I got it from. I don't clearly
remember, but I must have at that point realized that any further lying
wasn't going to get me anywhere and told her the truth. My aunt went to tell
my grandmother.

Later that day, my aunt was sitting on the sofa in my room, I was standing
in front of her as she shared with me how it wasn't ok for me to have gone
into her room and taken money without asking. I could tell that she wasn't
angry, she just wanted me to ask in the future and because I felt a warm
connection with her in that moment I said to myself that I would never do
such a thing again, that I would instead ask her first as she was
requesting.

In that moment my grandmother quietly came up behind me and without my
anticipating her at all, she whacked me on the backside with a yellow
plastic carpet beater. Just once, but hard. I still remember looking at the
red marks on me later that day. And as she whacked me she said "that was for
lying to us".

I cannot begin to adequately describe to you how utterly betrayed I felt in
that moment, betrayed by my aunt for knowing my grandmother was coming and
not warning me. My connection with my aunt went to pieces, my trust in her
goodwill towards me was shattered in that very moment and never completely
regained. I felt enraged at my grandmother for being so "mean" to me as to
sneak up behind me and "attack" me like that. And I made an instant oath of
retribution: that somehow I would make both my aunt and my grandmother pay
for how they had treated me on that one occasion.

I did not make a consciously formulated oath, but my actions from there on
tell me, in hindsight that I did make the oath, even if unconsciously, and
that I carried it out on a daily basis by lying to and taking money from my
aunt and grandmother at every opportunity; and making sure I would not get
caught.

Why am I telling you this? Because until a few weeks ago, during our first
couples' group together, I had not made the connection between those events
of my childhood and how they still affect my life and my relationship with
Fran (my husband) today: we have a major debt to deal with and we have to be
careful how we spend "our" 'borrowed' money, and yet I find myself regularly
making purchases which are not necessary and which are above our budget, and
everytime I do that, I feel as though I am stealing, especially when I don't
inform Fran about what I am buying and why. Then a part of me waits to get
"hit" by Fran's reaction when the visa statement comes in.

I have, with Fran's help, re-created dysfunctional aspects of my
relationship with my grandmother for the purpose of healing those aspects
within myself. The rage and the sense of betrayal I felt as a child was
never healed and I keep re-creating situations in which I expect to feel
this rage and sense of betrayal which is related to feeling not cared about.
This is where Fran comes in, because whenever my visa statement comes in, he
just pays it off quietly without ever questioning me. The "hit" that I
always expect, never comes, and on some deep level I interpret that as "Fran
really doesn't care about me spending the money = he really doesn't care
about me". Then it's time for me to beat up on myself mentally to prove to
myself that I am not lovable.

You see, when my grandmother hit me she was coming from a place of "I am
doing this for your own good, because I care about you and because I don't
want you to grow up lying and stealing". Well, with her method she achieved
the exact opposite, and here it is 29 years later, and several years of
therapy and I am only now able to see the more subtle ways in which I still
steal and lie about things, and the ways in which I equate love and caring
with getting hit (in some form or another).

Given my grandmother's history and the tools she had to work with, I know
that she truly believed she was doing me a favour and showing caring, even
though I did not experience it that way; and I am truly excited to have put
these pieces of the puzzle of my life together, because now I have the
ability to choose consciously how I spend money and include Fran in the
process, rather than react out of my unconscious, and seemingly be unable to
control my spending. And I see clearly that getting hit is not the same as
being loved and cared about. I "knew" that already, but some part of me deep
down inside didn't feel it that way.

This was my own personal experience and not at all like your experience with
your son in the mall. My point however is that even one single event such as
this one can have long lasting effects. In no way was I ever intending to
imply that you are "a child abuser", just as my grandmother wasn't. She
really believed she was doing me a favour and teaching me a lesson. Her
method did not work, but I know absolutely for sure, that my aunts method
(of simply connecting with me at the heart level and asking for what she
needed from me) would have worked.

This brings me to your question:

> I am curious as to some of the things you have learned in your class
> with DH. How have you come to terms and found common ground with the
> differences you have in your childrenrearing techniques?

We have been going to separate circles (men's group and women's group) for
over a year and a half. On my own I began serious self-healing work about
seven years ago, Fran and I have been married for four years. In these
circles we focus on "how is the past coloring and affecting the present?"
For example I would get furious with Fran for losing his temper with 'my
daughters' and getting into horrendous arguments with them. Through his work
in circle, Fran has come to realize how much he is like his own father and
grandfather, when he loses his temper like that and how much it hurt him as
a little boy, to be reduced to tears by his father's angry voice, how
terrified he would be of his dad, how he would always have to keep his radar
going to find out what kind of mood dad was in, if it was safe to speak.
Acknowledging how he was doing the same thing to our kids was not easy.

However: since Fran has made a conscious effort to control his temper with
the children, I have been faced with an underlying reason for Fran's anger:
he was watching my daughters treat me like their slave in many respects, and
he was furious at them for treating me that way. What he did not realize
that I had "trained" them to treat me that way, out of my own guilt for
leaving their father, etc. Whenever he would yell at them for something I
would immediately focus on his anger and so not be able to see what was
really going on. He was overreacting to their behaviours precisely because I
was underreacting. Once he stopped overreacting the intensity between my
daughters and myself was allowed to surface and was brought face to face
with my "slave". There came a point where decided "enough is enough" and I
began to take steps to move out of that role with my kids.

The circle helped us in this particular issue by helping Fran to stop
overreacting to my girls while at the same time expressing to me how he felt
when they treated me like their slave. Circle helped Fran to express his
feelings in an authentic, non-blaming, non-judgemental kind of way, which I
was able to hear. And eventually it sunk in and I felt motivated for my own
sake to do something about it. Since then I have been able to be a lot
clearer about what my boundaries are, when I mean "no" and stick to it, what
behaviours are not acceptable to me, etc.

Circle helps Fran and I to look at where certain reaction really come from.
The more intensely we react to something, the older the trigger, meaning the
further back into our own childhood we need to go to see what aspect of us
is needing healing.

Circle helps us to truly dialogue about issues, rather than discuss or
argue. "discussion" is when everybody talks and no one really listens to the
other(s); everybody has their own opinions to defend. "Dialogue" on the
other hand, is when people really open up their whole being to receive what
someone else is saying, taking what has been said inside themselves to
diligently examine if there is any objective Truth to be found in what the
other person is saying, acknowledging that Truth (if there is any) to
everyone and then sharing their own experience on the topic while everyone
else really listens in return.

There is a book about this called "On Dialogue" by David Bohm. It is
required reading for the circles I belong to. Decisions are arrived at by
consensus through this process of sharing an experience/ opinion, the others
suspending all judgement and really listening and then sharing their
experience in return. (i did not do this in my first post responding to your
first post - I am not perfect at this yet, my emotions took over and I
reacted instead).

I quote David Bohm: "'dialogue' comes from the Greek word 'dialogos'.
'Logos' means "the word". And 'dia' means "through" - it doesn't mean "two".
A dialogue can be among any number of people, not just two. Even one person
can have a sense of dialogue within himself, if the spirit of the dialogue
is present. The picture or image that this derivation suggests is of a
'stream of meaning' flowing among and through us and between us. This will
make possible a flow of meaning in the whole group, out of which may emerge
some new understanding. It's something new, which may not have been in the
starting point at all. It's something creative. And this shared meaning is
the "glue" or "cement" that holds people and societies together.
Contrast this with the word "discussion", which has the same root as
"percussion" and "concussion". It really means to break things up. It
emphasizes the idea of analysis, where there may be many points of view, and
where everybody is presenting a different one - analyzing and breaking up.
That obviously has its value, but it is limited, and it will not get us very
far beyond our various points of view. Discussion is almost like a ping-pong
game, where people are batting the ideas back and forth and the object of
the game is to win or to get points for yourself. Possibly you will take up
somebody else's ideas to back up your own - you may agree with some and
disagree with others - but the basic point is to win the game. That's very
frequently the case in a discussion. In a dialogue however, nobody is trying
to win. Everybody wins, if anybody wins. There is a different sort of spirit
to it. In a dialogue there is no attempt to gain points, or to make your
particular view prevail. Rather, whenever any mistake is discovered on the
part of anybody, everybody gains.
It's a situation called win-win, whereas the other game is win-lose - if I
win, you lose. But a dialogue is something more of a common participation,
in which we are not playing a game against each other, but 'with' each
other. In a dialogue, everybody wins." end of quote

So whenever an issue arises, be it over the children, how to spend money,
how much (or little) intimacy there is between us - whatever the case may
be - circle is teaching us to use certain tools, such as: dialogue, telling
our microscopic truth while breathing deeply (diaphragmatically),
acknowledging ourselves and each other for being truthful and taking 100%
response-ability for our own experience (= no blaming the other for how we
ourselves are feeling or perceiving something). Sometimes we get so deeply
triggered that we need help in the moment. Then we get on the phone.

I don't know if this answers your question, but in closing I would like to
share with you something else we learned in self-healing circles: how to
create a relationship vision and how to work towards living that vision. And
here is our (incomplete) relationship vision:

FRAN & NICOLETTA'S RELATIONSHIP VISION


PURPOSE:

Ø To co-create a co-committed, mutually fulfilling, loving, conscious
marriage and to clear out of the way all obstacles to this end.
Ø To bring Harmony into our family life


PRIME DIRECTIVE:

To focus on deepening our connection:

Ø to the state of being in Love
Ø to our own Essence
Ø to each other, Essence to Essence,

before anything else and to come back to this focus as quickly as possible
whenever we notice feeling "out" of Love, in reaction or disconnected from
each other.


INTENTIONS/AGREEMENTS:

Ø We read our relationship vision often, preferably together
Ø We give and receive touch/holding every day
Ø We do whatever we need to feel connected before going to bed
Ø We express our authentic sexuality in mutually satisfying, healthy, loving
ways
Ø We share our thoughts, feelings and fantasies with each other in uplifting
ways (Truth with Love)
Ø We listen to each other and hear each other
Ø We acknowledge each other frequently and unconditionally
Ø We share withholds with each other as close to the moment as possible
Ø We gently remind each other to stroke and to breathe deeply
(diaphragmatically)
Ø We have fun together in and out of the house
Ø We resolve conflict through dialogue and process, always striving for
win/win solutions
Ø We support each other to reach our highest potential in all areas of our
lives
Ø We honour each other's need for closeness and time apart
Ø We create financial abundance in our lives
Ø We make decisions together through process and dialogue
Ø We keep our agreements with each other

As parents:
Ø We focus on deepening our connection with the children (Being to Being)
before anything else and support each other in this
Ø We take 100% responsibility for our experience around the children
especially when something they did or said triggered a reaction inside us
Ø We are loving, patient, respectful towards the children
Ø We have fun with the children
Ø We keep our agreements with the children
Ø We make important decisions together, involving the children in the
process when it is appropriate


Behaviours and Thought Pattern/Scripts, which interfere with our Vision:

Ø Withholding microscopic Truth in the moment for fear of getting reaction
back
Ø Taking on projections and identifying with scripts which correspond to
projections
Ø Withdrawing
Ø Blaming
Ø Projecting longing for a parenting onto each other unconsciously
Ø Waiting and wanting to be taken care of by the other instead of being
clear and expressing our needs and wants directly
Ø Triangulating
Ø Losing our temper with the children and/or each other
Ø Getting defensive
Ø Expecting to be abandoned emotionally
Ø Despairing and resigning to the way things are ("it's no use")
Ø Harbouring resentments
Ø Criticizing/correcting without acknowledgement (Truth without Love)


"THE NEW RELATIONSHIP
MALE (FEMALE)

The King (Queen) in me aligns with the Queen (King) in you,
That the Kingdom will flourish and prosper.

The Priest (Priestess) in me worships the God in you,
That the God in all may awaken.

The Scholar in me learns from the Teacher in you,
That Truth may illuminate the darkness.

The Artist in me dances to the Music in you,
In joyful expression of Loving.

The Father (Mother) in me unites with the Mother (Father) in you,
To birth Humanity's freedom.

The Merlin in me melds with the Merlin in you,
Through the Alchemy of Oneness.

The Warrior in me stands with the Warrior in you,
For mutual Cause and protection.


From "Master Angelic Transmissions -
Awakening To Our Greater Birth"

by Michelle Andersen"


Some people may not think all this appropriate for an un-schooling list; I
believe however that it all is appropriate, because where else are children
going to learn these things if not at home from us - their parents.


Nicoletta