Re: [Unschooling-dotcom] from the sassy kids' mom
[email protected]
Hi Annette,
I've just finished reading the responses to the 'sassy' e-mail you sent
before and I feel very lucky to digest such a wide variety of responses and
information. This forum is such a wonderful thing. I can only imagine how
hard it was for my mom, and others, who had problems come up and didn't have
such a resourse. And, even with the resourses, it still isn't an easy
thing,,,(and ,,,hey, who said it would be?!!)
I have a 9 yr old daughter who is extemely strong willed and bright (aren't
they all, really!), who has been a source of great frustration, and my
greatest teacher. I have handled her sassyness/rudeness in different ways at
different times, and it seems to me now that it has had to do more with where
I am at the moment, than with her outbursts.
When I am out of sorts, frustrated, or in stressful times I tend to do the
"ok, that's it, i'm sorry, but you can't talk to me like that" and there are
consequenses, etc.
When I am balanced, and my needs are being met, it seems I have much more
patience and I am willing to ask her questions "is there something that is
bothering you", "is there something that you need that you aren't feeling
like you're getting right now", "what is this really about". Sometimes I can
see she is just tired, or overwhelmed, but there are times when I have asked
a question like this and the answer is nothing that I could have ever
expected and it led to a great conversation, and a greater awareness of where
she is and who she is.
If I am really honest with myself, I think there are times (I am a single
mom) where I know I don't have the inward resourses to really be able to
handle the answer to a question like 'what do you really need right
now',,,,,where the answer would be, 'i just need your undivided attention
with no interruptions', when I, myself feel empty and overwhelmed.
I know I am a 'good mom', we all are, we're all doing the best we can. And
yet, there is always room for improvement, but I know the answer is not to
beat myself up because I didn't do it right or perfectly, because there is no
such thing. I keep finding the better I am to myself, the kinder I am to
myself, the kinder I am to my daughter. The more I listen to, and respect
myself, the more I listen to , and respect my daughter. And, since in the
past, I have had an issue with perfectionism, I keep hearing something:
'Growth is not an event, it's a process'. It's not some place to get to,
it's an ever winding, ever discovering vehicle. The 'answers' will come only
to facilitate new questions. It's all been a wonderful ride and just keeps
getting better :-) I feel honored to have the opportunity to be at home with
my daughter, no matter what challenges have come up. I know this is not the
'norm', in societal terms, and I relish the opportunity to live our lives
together in this way.
I don't usually write on here and just want to thank everyone for their
input, it's been very helpful and insightful.
Thanks,
Jennifer
I've just finished reading the responses to the 'sassy' e-mail you sent
before and I feel very lucky to digest such a wide variety of responses and
information. This forum is such a wonderful thing. I can only imagine how
hard it was for my mom, and others, who had problems come up and didn't have
such a resourse. And, even with the resourses, it still isn't an easy
thing,,,(and ,,,hey, who said it would be?!!)
I have a 9 yr old daughter who is extemely strong willed and bright (aren't
they all, really!), who has been a source of great frustration, and my
greatest teacher. I have handled her sassyness/rudeness in different ways at
different times, and it seems to me now that it has had to do more with where
I am at the moment, than with her outbursts.
When I am out of sorts, frustrated, or in stressful times I tend to do the
"ok, that's it, i'm sorry, but you can't talk to me like that" and there are
consequenses, etc.
When I am balanced, and my needs are being met, it seems I have much more
patience and I am willing to ask her questions "is there something that is
bothering you", "is there something that you need that you aren't feeling
like you're getting right now", "what is this really about". Sometimes I can
see she is just tired, or overwhelmed, but there are times when I have asked
a question like this and the answer is nothing that I could have ever
expected and it led to a great conversation, and a greater awareness of where
she is and who she is.
If I am really honest with myself, I think there are times (I am a single
mom) where I know I don't have the inward resourses to really be able to
handle the answer to a question like 'what do you really need right
now',,,,,where the answer would be, 'i just need your undivided attention
with no interruptions', when I, myself feel empty and overwhelmed.
I know I am a 'good mom', we all are, we're all doing the best we can. And
yet, there is always room for improvement, but I know the answer is not to
beat myself up because I didn't do it right or perfectly, because there is no
such thing. I keep finding the better I am to myself, the kinder I am to
myself, the kinder I am to my daughter. The more I listen to, and respect
myself, the more I listen to , and respect my daughter. And, since in the
past, I have had an issue with perfectionism, I keep hearing something:
'Growth is not an event, it's a process'. It's not some place to get to,
it's an ever winding, ever discovering vehicle. The 'answers' will come only
to facilitate new questions. It's all been a wonderful ride and just keeps
getting better :-) I feel honored to have the opportunity to be at home with
my daughter, no matter what challenges have come up. I know this is not the
'norm', in societal terms, and I relish the opportunity to live our lives
together in this way.
I don't usually write on here and just want to thank everyone for their
input, it's been very helpful and insightful.
Thanks,
Jennifer
Cathie _
Hi Annette. My husband and I went to a parenting seminar once that
reccommended a similar method as Eirauls 3 strikes, but it was a bit more
formal. It really does work wonders. I'll see if I can explain it.
First you make House Rules. No More than four-I think the ones I used were
No physical Violence, No Rudeness, Do your chores, and Do Homework (we were
still in school then)
The second thing you do is rank privledges-5 things that your kids
like-maybe T.V., Nintendo, playing outside, whatever. You rank them so the
one they love the most is the last on the list.
Then you make your X chart. Everytime one of the house rules is violated,
the offender gets an X. The first two X's are freebies, the third one, they
lose the first privledge. Another X, they lose the next privledge. At the
seminar they said that for young kids like yours they only lose the
privledge for the day, but older kids-like mine-they lose it for the rest of
the week.
This was perfect here. It was all there in black and white, the rules as
well as the price for breaking them. There was no whining about it, or
begging me, or saying that I wasn't being fair, because it was the same for
all of them. And it was very good for me, because I do tend to let them off
the hook for alot of things. Once the kids realize that you are serious and
that you will not give in, they shape up amazingly quickly. After the first
week, I don't think anyone ever got as high as 5 X's. The only thing that
really matters is that you make all the things work for you-if you can't
stick to it, don't do it. I think that those idle threats are the
worst-saying "Stop or you won't go to the birthday party" when you know darn
well that you are going to go no matter what. Those are the things that make
your kids not pay attention to what you say-they aren't stupid, they know
they can get away with ignoring you. So, if you can't live with saying No
Playing Outside, then don't make that one of the things they lose.
Hope this helps-good luck-and know that you are not alone, we all go through
this sort of thing at one time or another.
Cathie
________________________________________________________________________
Get Your Private, Free E-mail from MSN Hotmail at http://www.hotmail.com
reccommended a similar method as Eirauls 3 strikes, but it was a bit more
formal. It really does work wonders. I'll see if I can explain it.
First you make House Rules. No More than four-I think the ones I used were
No physical Violence, No Rudeness, Do your chores, and Do Homework (we were
still in school then)
The second thing you do is rank privledges-5 things that your kids
like-maybe T.V., Nintendo, playing outside, whatever. You rank them so the
one they love the most is the last on the list.
Then you make your X chart. Everytime one of the house rules is violated,
the offender gets an X. The first two X's are freebies, the third one, they
lose the first privledge. Another X, they lose the next privledge. At the
seminar they said that for young kids like yours they only lose the
privledge for the day, but older kids-like mine-they lose it for the rest of
the week.
This was perfect here. It was all there in black and white, the rules as
well as the price for breaking them. There was no whining about it, or
begging me, or saying that I wasn't being fair, because it was the same for
all of them. And it was very good for me, because I do tend to let them off
the hook for alot of things. Once the kids realize that you are serious and
that you will not give in, they shape up amazingly quickly. After the first
week, I don't think anyone ever got as high as 5 X's. The only thing that
really matters is that you make all the things work for you-if you can't
stick to it, don't do it. I think that those idle threats are the
worst-saying "Stop or you won't go to the birthday party" when you know darn
well that you are going to go no matter what. Those are the things that make
your kids not pay attention to what you say-they aren't stupid, they know
they can get away with ignoring you. So, if you can't live with saying No
Playing Outside, then don't make that one of the things they lose.
Hope this helps-good luck-and know that you are not alone, we all go through
this sort of thing at one time or another.
Cathie
________________________________________________________________________
Get Your Private, Free E-mail from MSN Hotmail at http://www.hotmail.com
[email protected]
In a message dated 7/31/2000 8:40:34 PM Pacific Daylight Time,
cathie_98@... writes:
issue for me. Learning to set limits/consequences that I could live with AND
meant something to the boys made all the difference in the world.
I like the formality of your chart. I can see where that would work very
well for many families. It would give me grief. Limiting myself to
enforcing 4 rules would leave me feeling like I had to overlook too much.
Notice I said FEEL like I had to overlook things...I'm pretty sure it is
really more a matter of clearly identifying the problem and recognizing that
it fits into 'x' category. (It's a personal difficulty of mine and not a
criticism of the program!)
I think that's why we homeschool...I don't do schedules or routines very
well. BG
Thanks for the ideas. More data for my brain to file. I now have a new
brain wrinkle. (my goal is to avoid 'smooth brain syndrome' LOL)
Eiraul
cathie_98@... writes:
> The only thing thatdarn
> really matters is that you make all the things work for you-if you can't
> stick to it, don't do it. I think that those idle threats are the
> worst-saying "Stop or you won't go to the birthday party" when you know
>make
> well that you are going to go no matter what. Those are the things that
>I think there is a great deal of wisdom in this little bit! I know it was an
> your kids not pay attention to what you say-they aren't stupid, they know
> they can get away with ignoring you. So, if you can't live with saying No
> Playing Outside, then don't make that one of the things they lose.
issue for me. Learning to set limits/consequences that I could live with AND
meant something to the boys made all the difference in the world.
I like the formality of your chart. I can see where that would work very
well for many families. It would give me grief. Limiting myself to
enforcing 4 rules would leave me feeling like I had to overlook too much.
Notice I said FEEL like I had to overlook things...I'm pretty sure it is
really more a matter of clearly identifying the problem and recognizing that
it fits into 'x' category. (It's a personal difficulty of mine and not a
criticism of the program!)
I think that's why we homeschool...I don't do schedules or routines very
well. BG
Thanks for the ideas. More data for my brain to file. I now have a new
brain wrinkle. (my goal is to avoid 'smooth brain syndrome' LOL)
Eiraul