Sassy Kids
[email protected]
Hi Annette:
Wow what a handful and a challenge you have. It's been a challenge with Zak,
whose quite energetic, to stick to some ground rules. One of the first
things I learned is consistency, consistency, consistency.... We don't answer
Zak if he shouts from another room. We've talked about this rule before. If
he wants me to do something for him he has to come to me. We do the same for
him though, we don't shout across rooms for him to come to us. This way we
model the behavior we want. Zak has choices and consequences and now he's 5
he understands what that means. I try to make the consequences natural but
sometimes there are none.
We use 1-2-3 as well and that has worked very well with him. If he wants a
cookie and a baloon when we go to the grocery store then he needs to follow
the 3 rules for good behavior in the store, which are holding or standing
next to the cart, no running away and only picking up items when I tell him
otherwise he doesn't get the cookie and baloon. And I stick to it... It only
took him a couple of times to learn I meant it.
Zak's just started this PLEASE MUM, PLEASE MUM, PLEASE MUM when I've already
answered the question. I just ignore the please and change the subject by
asking him something else to distract him.
Having friends over is a priviledge and mabye some leverage you could use
with his behavior. Figure out what you want him to do and then use the
things he wants as leverage. I know it sounds manipulating but it's not. If
you want him to clean up his room then it's simple. "When you clean up your
room then BLANK can come over to play" "When you take the dog for a walk
then you can BLANK" whatever it is.
I know that for us it was so much easier to give him what he wanted and then
we realized we were not doing him any favors.
Calling me or hubbie names is an absolute no, no and then things he loves get
taken away. His Thomas Train track has been in a time out for up to 3 days
at one time, when he was in preschool and called me a name. That way he knew
how serious I was. Soon stopped that behavior.
I have learned to detach myself from feeling bad for him if he has
inappropriate behavior because he obviously doesnt' feel bad.
We also do lots and lots of praize... Lots of catching him doing something
good. If I walk through the living room and he's not pushing his baby
brother over I tell him "Wow you are playing so nicely with Max, you must be
so proud of yourself"... or "I see how kind you are being to your baby
brother and I'm very impressed with your behaviour". Yes it's much harder
work to do that, but in the long run I believe it will payoff. We are
already seeing the results with Zak, who would be like your boys if he had
his way.
Dawn F
Wow what a handful and a challenge you have. It's been a challenge with Zak,
whose quite energetic, to stick to some ground rules. One of the first
things I learned is consistency, consistency, consistency.... We don't answer
Zak if he shouts from another room. We've talked about this rule before. If
he wants me to do something for him he has to come to me. We do the same for
him though, we don't shout across rooms for him to come to us. This way we
model the behavior we want. Zak has choices and consequences and now he's 5
he understands what that means. I try to make the consequences natural but
sometimes there are none.
We use 1-2-3 as well and that has worked very well with him. If he wants a
cookie and a baloon when we go to the grocery store then he needs to follow
the 3 rules for good behavior in the store, which are holding or standing
next to the cart, no running away and only picking up items when I tell him
otherwise he doesn't get the cookie and baloon. And I stick to it... It only
took him a couple of times to learn I meant it.
Zak's just started this PLEASE MUM, PLEASE MUM, PLEASE MUM when I've already
answered the question. I just ignore the please and change the subject by
asking him something else to distract him.
Having friends over is a priviledge and mabye some leverage you could use
with his behavior. Figure out what you want him to do and then use the
things he wants as leverage. I know it sounds manipulating but it's not. If
you want him to clean up his room then it's simple. "When you clean up your
room then BLANK can come over to play" "When you take the dog for a walk
then you can BLANK" whatever it is.
I know that for us it was so much easier to give him what he wanted and then
we realized we were not doing him any favors.
Calling me or hubbie names is an absolute no, no and then things he loves get
taken away. His Thomas Train track has been in a time out for up to 3 days
at one time, when he was in preschool and called me a name. That way he knew
how serious I was. Soon stopped that behavior.
I have learned to detach myself from feeling bad for him if he has
inappropriate behavior because he obviously doesnt' feel bad.
We also do lots and lots of praize... Lots of catching him doing something
good. If I walk through the living room and he's not pushing his baby
brother over I tell him "Wow you are playing so nicely with Max, you must be
so proud of yourself"... or "I see how kind you are being to your baby
brother and I'm very impressed with your behaviour". Yes it's much harder
work to do that, but in the long run I believe it will payoff. We are
already seeing the results with Zak, who would be like your boys if he had
his way.
Dawn F
[email protected]
In a message dated 7/29/2000 2:42:32 AM US Mountain Standard Time,
[email protected] writes:
<< Don't accept that
behaviour, it only makes you miserable and makes them brattier
every day. I feel that a child doesn't just start doing these things
without learning it from somewhere, whether it is from television,
their Father, a friend, or relative, it had to have come from
somewhere. By accepting it you are enforcing their bad behaviour
and turning them into the type of man that no woman should ever
have to suffer. The way a boy treats his Mother is reflected years
later in his treatment of his wife and probably his children too. >>
Sue: I loved your e-mail with this answer and then when I scrolled down to
the bottom and saw you were responsible for raising 9 of them, I know you
know what you are are talking about!!! My hat is off to you... If you can
raise 9 successfully, it gives me hope of raising my 2 boys.
I think you hit the nail on the head when you talk about "self-esteem".. I
think we do worry too much about that in this day and age and forget that in
the future and the real world nobody is going to care about their self esteem
and if they are rude to someone and the other person doesn't like it, they
may get shot at, not just told where to go. Learning to live with others in
this world is something I want to teach my boys and that not every wish and
whim of theirs is granted without some kind of consequence (whether that
consequence be good or bad)...
Thanks again for the wake up call with your e-mail... It made me realize I'm
doing the right thing by ignoring the requested shouted across the room.
Dawn F
[email protected] writes:
<< Don't accept that
behaviour, it only makes you miserable and makes them brattier
every day. I feel that a child doesn't just start doing these things
without learning it from somewhere, whether it is from television,
their Father, a friend, or relative, it had to have come from
somewhere. By accepting it you are enforcing their bad behaviour
and turning them into the type of man that no woman should ever
have to suffer. The way a boy treats his Mother is reflected years
later in his treatment of his wife and probably his children too. >>
Sue: I loved your e-mail with this answer and then when I scrolled down to
the bottom and saw you were responsible for raising 9 of them, I know you
know what you are are talking about!!! My hat is off to you... If you can
raise 9 successfully, it gives me hope of raising my 2 boys.
I think you hit the nail on the head when you talk about "self-esteem".. I
think we do worry too much about that in this day and age and forget that in
the future and the real world nobody is going to care about their self esteem
and if they are rude to someone and the other person doesn't like it, they
may get shot at, not just told where to go. Learning to live with others in
this world is something I want to teach my boys and that not every wish and
whim of theirs is granted without some kind of consequence (whether that
consequence be good or bad)...
Thanks again for the wake up call with your e-mail... It made me realize I'm
doing the right thing by ignoring the requested shouted across the room.
Dawn F
[email protected]
Just thought I'd point out that "boredom" is anger spread thin.. Whenever I
see that applied to kids I wonder what they are really angry about. It's
certainly easier to figure it out with adults....Children have to learn that
word and it just covers up something else that's festering underneath.
Just thought I'd bring this to people's attention.
Dawn F
see that applied to kids I wonder what they are really angry about. It's
certainly easier to figure it out with adults....Children have to learn that
word and it just covers up something else that's festering underneath.
Just thought I'd bring this to people's attention.
Dawn F
Sue
On 29 Jul 2000, at 9:21, NumoAstro@... wrote:
ones, none are in trouble with the law, they all hold down full time
jobs [which in Australia is not an easy task for young people, with
a very high youth unemployment rate], treat thier partners and
children well and help each other out when problems arise.
I miss these wonderful young people, they are my friends as well
as my children, however we keep in touch via email and
occassional phone conversations.
self esteem, even though they weren't held in high esteem by
anyone else. While it is important for a child to feel loved and an
important member of a family they must also learn humility and
that others are as of much importance as they are.
one day realize that no-one particularly likes them because they
have the social skills of Attilla the Hun it will probably be too late to
change their behaviour.
started a bit of a flame war, I didn't want that to be the case and
was pleasantly surprised when it didn't happen.
I've seen too many kids turn out bad, that could have turned out
just fine, young Andrew I spoke of had some wonderful qualities,
but his Mother could only see the bad in him so eventually it was
mostly bad that was left behind, the other boy I spoke of who's
Mom always had excuses for his bad behaviour learned every
excuse in the book and probably still blames everyone/everything
except himself when he beats on someone or steals.
I do believe that we are born with our basic temperament, that there
is little anyone can do to change this [thank heavens for that, I love
the diversity of human nature] we need to learn to work with our
children's personalities not against them. There is a key to each
child and unfortunatley we often don't have enough interaction with
fellow human beings as children to learn this fact before we have
children of our own. With small families isolated from extended
family, two parents off to work, kids in daycare where they are
taught from an early age to CONFORM and be alike it is becoming
more and more difficult for kids to be themselves and to develope
their unique personality in good ways.
I'd better stop rambling now, there's hay to stack in the barn!
Sue
The Winona Farm in Minnesota Welcomes Unschoolers All Year Round
My website: http://members.xoom.com/sue_m_e
Farm website: http://members.xoom.com/winfarm/
Farm newsletter: http://www.onelist.com/subscribe/Winonafarm
"To believe in something, and not to live it,
is to be dishonest." -Mahatma Gandhi
> Sue: I loved your e-mail with this answer and then when I scrolled down toThanks, I hope they were raised successfully, of the grown up
> the bottom and saw you were responsible for raising 9 of them, I know you
> know what you are are talking about!!! My hat is off to you... If you can
> raise 9 successfully, it gives me hope of raising my 2 boys.
ones, none are in trouble with the law, they all hold down full time
jobs [which in Australia is not an easy task for young people, with
a very high youth unemployment rate], treat thier partners and
children well and help each other out when problems arise.
I miss these wonderful young people, they are my friends as well
as my children, however we keep in touch via email and
occassional phone conversations.
> I think you hit the nail on the head when you talk about "self-esteem"..I read anarticle recently that said that most sociopaths had a high
self esteem, even though they weren't held in high esteem by
anyone else. While it is important for a child to feel loved and an
important member of a family they must also learn humility and
that others are as of much importance as they are.
> Learning to live with others inThis is so right, no matter how high their self esteem is when they
> this world is something I want to teach my boys and that not every wish and
> whim of theirs is granted without some kind of consequence (whether that
> consequence be good or bad)...
one day realize that no-one particularly likes them because they
have the social skills of Attilla the Hun it will probably be too late to
change their behaviour.
>Thanks Dawn, when I wrote that email I was expecting to have
> Thanks again for the wake up call with your e-mail... It made me realize I'm
> doing the right thing by ignoring the requested shouted across the room.
>
> Dawn F
started a bit of a flame war, I didn't want that to be the case and
was pleasantly surprised when it didn't happen.
I've seen too many kids turn out bad, that could have turned out
just fine, young Andrew I spoke of had some wonderful qualities,
but his Mother could only see the bad in him so eventually it was
mostly bad that was left behind, the other boy I spoke of who's
Mom always had excuses for his bad behaviour learned every
excuse in the book and probably still blames everyone/everything
except himself when he beats on someone or steals.
I do believe that we are born with our basic temperament, that there
is little anyone can do to change this [thank heavens for that, I love
the diversity of human nature] we need to learn to work with our
children's personalities not against them. There is a key to each
child and unfortunatley we often don't have enough interaction with
fellow human beings as children to learn this fact before we have
children of our own. With small families isolated from extended
family, two parents off to work, kids in daycare where they are
taught from an early age to CONFORM and be alike it is becoming
more and more difficult for kids to be themselves and to develope
their unique personality in good ways.
I'd better stop rambling now, there's hay to stack in the barn!
Sue
The Winona Farm in Minnesota Welcomes Unschoolers All Year Round
My website: http://members.xoom.com/sue_m_e
Farm website: http://members.xoom.com/winfarm/
Farm newsletter: http://www.onelist.com/subscribe/Winonafarm
"To believe in something, and not to live it,
is to be dishonest." -Mahatma Gandhi