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In a message dated 7/28/2000 3:28:46 PM Pacific Daylight Time,
naake1999@... writes:

> I feel hurt and abused. I feel like a terrible mom. I don't know whether to
> get strict with them or just back off, but I have had some pretty drastic
> thoughts.
>
> Any suggestions or thoughts would be appreciated.
>
> Annette

Good grief, I can't believe I forgot about this!

I just remembered we use 3 strikes and you're out. For this you'll need a
bargaining chip (in our house it's Nintendo). 3 strikes means no 'tendo for
the remainder of the day and all of the next. If there is a fuss about it,
the time is extended.

The way I use it there are actually 9 opportunities to mess up before the
priveledge is taken away. That way I can give plenty of warning and not have
to get nasty about it. 3 warnings = 1 strike. The warnings are all in the
same day for the same type of offense that leads tp strikes but do not have
to happen at the same time. The strikes do not have to be for the same
offense. (one strike could be for chore refusal, another for hitting brother
(no warnings given for hitting offenses in my house: hitting = immediate
strike!), another for shouting at me, etc.) Depending on the situation, all
strikes may be for the same offense, especially if there are several things
you are working on and you want to concentrate on one at a time.

For instance, if the offense is shouting at mom; when kidlet shouts he is
told 'the rule is no shouting in our household, that is your first warning'.
If he stops shouting, the problem is dealt with and we move on with our day.
If he shouts again, it's warning two and on to strike one. Then repeat for
strikes 2 and 3 as needed. I guarantee that within 24-48 hours of setting up
the system you'll be tested and kidlet will have 3 strikes. So pick
something that means something to him/her and something you can live with
enforcing. The first time is the hardest.

Then mark it on the calendar...no <fill in the blank>...tell the child while
you are marking the calendar (or posting a note) what the offense was and
remind how long the consequence lasts. (this step is essential for me,
otherwise I forget he's grounded!)

This really works! When my kids were 12 and 2 I started this system. It
worked so well that when someone asks what to do, I go through a long process
of thought and examples before I remember what we do...in other words I
haven't had to impose strikes for so long I forget we do it! I'll tell you
what, though, the kid remembers! Now when he misbehaves we skip the warnings
and he gets a strike at the first offense (because he's already been
repeating it long enough I had to go through the whole brain wracking thing
to remember what to do!). That is usually all it takes. (youngest is almost
12 now)

My oldest used it to brag what a mean mom he had. Oldest DS is a very
stubborn person (I tell myself it will serve him well some day! LOL). One
particular day he was very intent on being as ornery as possible. He was
yelling at me, refusing to do the chore he was assigned, slamming doors, etc.
I have never seen a child being so rude to his parents as he was that
evening! So, I told him what was expected (so proud of myself for not
raising my voice or beating the kid!), gave him the warnings, then strikes.
He still continued. So, we went through a round of strikes (without further
warnings) for another day with no 'tendo, then a third. Then he was told he
had 5 minutes to calm down. If he wasn't able to speak calmly and deal with
the chore by then, he'd lose a day of 'tendo for every additional minute it
took him to get control of himself.

He was grounded for 6 weeks!! Apparently it got his attention, though. When
the kids had their
you-think-your-mom's-so-bad-just-be-glad-you-don't-have-mine contests, he won
everytime. He never got that mouthy again. He's still stubborn, but he
learned to state his opinion in a much nicer tone and with much better
language and that he still had to take out the trash when it was his
assignment.

Another tool is a required essay (assuming child is old enough to write or
dictate). For this one I would tell him I wanted a one page (2, 3, 500 word,
whatever you pick) essay on something like 'the importance of treating each
family member with respect'. A rule, stated in a positive way. You can be a
specific or as general as you like. The 'why' part seemed to be important,
though. I guess because it gave him something to 'hang' the essay on. Then
he had to come up with sentence, paragraph and essay structure explaining the
subject.

He had me in stitches the day he decided to write a very well written essay
about not yelling at mom. His points were something like: yelling makes mom
made, mom is not pleasant to be around when she's mad, it isn't a good idea
to make mom mad. Very cheeky! After laughing out loud while I read it and
congratulating him on his creativity, I told him to re-write the essay
properly! Scamp. (I kept that essay. The rest we threw away. The problem
was dealt with, so the essay also went out with the trash. I suppose it
could be interesting to put into portfolios if you need essays for
assessments! heheheh)

Incidentally, he was sure this essay would get my goat. Took away all his
sting when I laughed and pointed out what excellent sentence structure he had
used. Plus, seeing the humor kept it from being personal enough to hurt my
feelings. He still had to re-write it, though.

I also tried the old practice of writing sentences over and over again...it
did not have nearly the impact essay writing did. But when we did resort to
sentences they were wordy ones with new vocabulary words. I figured at least
then he'd have to think about it a little bit while he was copying it down!
This might work better for younger writers than essay writing. We progressed
from sentences to essays. I got tired of thinking up sentences that weren't
repetitive and figured it was time for him to do the thinking. After all, he
was the one that misbehaved. LOL

Hugs,
Eiraul

D Klement

braunville@... wrote:
>
> In a message dated 7/28/2000 3:28:46 PM Pacific Daylight Time,
> naake1999@... writes:
>
> > I feel hurt and abused. I feel like a terrible mom. I don't know whether to
> > get strict with them or just back off, but I have had some pretty drastic
> > thoughts.
> >
> > Any suggestions or thoughts would be appreciated.
> >
> > Annette
>
> Good grief, I can't believe I forgot about this!
>
> I just remembered we use 3 strikes and you're out. For this you'll need a
> bargaining chip (in our house it's Nintendo). 3 strikes means no 'tendo for
> the remainder of the day and all of the next. If there is a fuss about it,
> the time is extended.
>
> The way I use it there are actually 9 opportunities to mess up before the
> priveledge is taken away. That way I can give plenty of warning and not have
> to get nasty about it. 3 warnings = 1 strike. The warnings are all in the
> same day for the same type of offense that leads tp strikes but do not have
> to happen at the same time. The strikes do not have to be for the same
> offense. (one strike could be for chore refusal, another for hitting brother
> (no warnings given for hitting offenses in my house: hitting = immediate
> strike!), another for shouting at me, etc.) Depending on the situation, all
> strikes may be for the same offense, especially if there are several things
> you are working on and you want to concentrate on one at a time.
>
> For instance, if the offense is shouting at mom; when kidlet shouts he is
> told 'the rule is no shouting in our household, that is your first warning'.
> If he stops shouting, the problem is dealt with and we move on with our day.
> If he shouts again, it's warning two and on to strike one. Then repeat for
> strikes 2 and 3 as needed. I guarantee that within 24-48 hours of setting up
> the system you'll be tested and kidlet will have 3 strikes. So pick
> something that means something to him/her and something you can live with
> enforcing. The first time is the hardest.
>
> Then mark it on the calendar...no <fill in the blank>...tell the child while
> you are marking the calendar (or posting a note) what the offense was and
> remind how long the consequence lasts. (this step is essential for me,
> otherwise I forget he's grounded!)
>
> This really works! When my kids were 12 and 2 I started this system. It
> worked so well that when someone asks what to do, I go through a long process
> of thought and examples before I remember what we do...in other words I
> haven't had to impose strikes for so long I forget we do it! I'll tell you
> what, though, the kid remembers! Now when he misbehaves we skip the warnings
> and he gets a strike at the first offense (because he's already been
> repeating it long enough I had to go through the whole brain wracking thing
> to remember what to do!). That is usually all it takes. (youngest is almost
> 12 now)
>
> My oldest used it to brag what a mean mom he had. Oldest DS is a very
> stubborn person (I tell myself it will serve him well some day! LOL). One
> particular day he was very intent on being as ornery as possible. He was
> yelling at me, refusing to do the chore he was assigned, slamming doors, etc.
> I have never seen a child being so rude to his parents as he was that
> evening! So, I told him what was expected (so proud of myself for not
> raising my voice or beating the kid!), gave him the warnings, then strikes.
> He still continued. So, we went through a round of strikes (without further
> warnings) for another day with no 'tendo, then a third. Then he was told he
> had 5 minutes to calm down. If he wasn't able to speak calmly and deal with
> the chore by then, he'd lose a day of 'tendo for every additional minute it
> took him to get control of himself.
>
> He was grounded for 6 weeks!! Apparently it got his attention, though. When
> the kids had their
> you-think-your-mom's-so-bad-just-be-glad-you-don't-have-mine contests, he won
> everytime. He never got that mouthy again. He's still stubborn, but he
> learned to state his opinion in a much nicer tone and with much better
> language and that he still had to take out the trash when it was his
> assignment.

Your method is similar to the one in " 1, 2, 3 Magic ". The only thing
is in that method there isn't a loss of a privilege.
I have to admit that for the odd extremely major offences around here
it's the TV or computer that is lost. TV is a privilege around this
house not a right.

I'd rather not have to take anything away but, there is the odd extreme
behaviour out burst(s) that requires more than talking, unfortunately it
requires action.


Buzz


--
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Klement Family "Education is what survives when
Darryl, Debbie, what has been learned has been
Kathleen, Nathan & forgotten"
Samantha B.F. Skinner in "New Scientist".
e-mail- klement@...
Canadian homeschool page: http:\\www.flora.org/homeschool-ca/
Ont. Federation of Teaching Parents: http:\\www.flora.org/oftp/
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