why is my child being criticized?
[email protected]
I need advice- my 4 year old is to begin unschooling (well I feel like she has been all along just to continue it now that she is "school-age")
and friends of hers and the family's are bringing their criticism directly to her.
how do I let my child know that "school" isn't the only place for children her age. We've had numerous talks about schooling and our family's best interests with her included. Yet when parents and her friends make comments to her, "well so-and-so is going to go to school, she(my daughter) HAS to stay home with mom instead"- it disgusts me that that is what is said to and in front of my child.
What's so wrong with staying home with mom- and her sister for that matter?
I am very strong in my front about scholing or unschooling my children and do not waiver in my beliefs no matter who I am speaking too. But why do parents believe it is okay to talk about our situation in that tone only to have their children repeat it? I never once say to my child so she can repeat it- you get to stay home instead of school- while they HAVE to go to school. Because in my opinion nobody HAS to do anything. We all have a choice whether it is recognized or not.
How do I face this social dilema. I am able to handle my end of the critism and defensive views from others who choose public school- but how do I let my little one, who has such a tender heart, know that she's not missing out on anything? She's very social but does take every bit of negativity to heart.
Has anyone else faced this dilemna with friends that not only do not homeschool but don't talk kindly about it either?
and friends of hers and the family's are bringing their criticism directly to her.
how do I let my child know that "school" isn't the only place for children her age. We've had numerous talks about schooling and our family's best interests with her included. Yet when parents and her friends make comments to her, "well so-and-so is going to go to school, she(my daughter) HAS to stay home with mom instead"- it disgusts me that that is what is said to and in front of my child.
What's so wrong with staying home with mom- and her sister for that matter?
I am very strong in my front about scholing or unschooling my children and do not waiver in my beliefs no matter who I am speaking too. But why do parents believe it is okay to talk about our situation in that tone only to have their children repeat it? I never once say to my child so she can repeat it- you get to stay home instead of school- while they HAVE to go to school. Because in my opinion nobody HAS to do anything. We all have a choice whether it is recognized or not.
How do I face this social dilema. I am able to handle my end of the critism and defensive views from others who choose public school- but how do I let my little one, who has such a tender heart, know that she's not missing out on anything? She's very social but does take every bit of negativity to heart.
Has anyone else faced this dilemna with friends that not only do not homeschool but don't talk kindly about it either?
Birth Journeys
I have had this very same issue with my mom - she is very unsupportive
of unschooling, has told me I am damaging the kids, shakes her head
when it gets brought up while saying the "kids are missing out on
something they'll never get back", and criticizes them when she thinks
they don't know something she thinks they should. It's pretty bad.
Up until now, I have simply refused to talk to her about homeschooling
(but she'll usually manage to get in a few comments anyways before I
remind her that it's not up for discussion) and when she's been around
the kids and I'm there, I immediately shut down any conversation that
she may start criticizing their knowledge. However, she has babysat
the kids recently (therefore alone with them) and she's pulled out all
the stoppers - bribed them with money to do school worksheets that she
has, and then criticizing them pretty badly because they can't do it
(ie "this is 3 grade levels below where you're at...you should know
this"). When I heard that, I called her and angrily reminded her that
homeschooling is not up for discussion, and bribing/criticizing/
forcing worksheets is inappropriate and damaging, and if she wishes to
see the kids then that needs to stop.
It won't, however. She is so certain that they are damaged because of
the homeschooling, she listens to no one. (she is like this is every
other area of her life as well - anyone heard of borderline
personality disorder? It was a nightmare to grow up with). So, for
the moment, I am suspending using her as a babysitter because it's not
fair to the kids. It's unfortunate, because there are fun things she
can do with them, but it's not worth it to them or me to put up with
the other stuff.
This doesn't necessarily give you any answers for what to do - but I
do empathize with feeling like the children are collateral in the "war
of unschooling" that some others like to wage.
Michele
of unschooling, has told me I am damaging the kids, shakes her head
when it gets brought up while saying the "kids are missing out on
something they'll never get back", and criticizes them when she thinks
they don't know something she thinks they should. It's pretty bad.
Up until now, I have simply refused to talk to her about homeschooling
(but she'll usually manage to get in a few comments anyways before I
remind her that it's not up for discussion) and when she's been around
the kids and I'm there, I immediately shut down any conversation that
she may start criticizing their knowledge. However, she has babysat
the kids recently (therefore alone with them) and she's pulled out all
the stoppers - bribed them with money to do school worksheets that she
has, and then criticizing them pretty badly because they can't do it
(ie "this is 3 grade levels below where you're at...you should know
this"). When I heard that, I called her and angrily reminded her that
homeschooling is not up for discussion, and bribing/criticizing/
forcing worksheets is inappropriate and damaging, and if she wishes to
see the kids then that needs to stop.
It won't, however. She is so certain that they are damaged because of
the homeschooling, she listens to no one. (she is like this is every
other area of her life as well - anyone heard of borderline
personality disorder? It was a nightmare to grow up with). So, for
the moment, I am suspending using her as a babysitter because it's not
fair to the kids. It's unfortunate, because there are fun things she
can do with them, but it's not worth it to them or me to put up with
the other stuff.
This doesn't necessarily give you any answers for what to do - but I
do empathize with feeling like the children are collateral in the "war
of unschooling" that some others like to wage.
Michele
On 30-Oct-09, at 12:41 PM, unschoolmom@... wrote:
> I need advice- my 4 year old is to begin unschooling (well I feel
> like she has been all along just to continue it now that she is
> "school-age")
> and friends of hers and the family's are bringing their criticism
> directly to her.
>
> how do I let my child know that "school" isn't the only place for
> children her age. We've had numerous talks about schooling and our
> family's best interests with her included. Yet when parents and her
> friends make comments to her, "well so-and-so is going to go to
> school, she(my daughter) HAS to stay home with mom instead"- it
> disgusts me that that is what is said to and in front of my child.
> What's so wrong with staying home with mom- and her sister for that
> matter?
>
> I am very strong in my front about scholing or unschooling my
> children and do not waiver in my beliefs no matter who I am speaking
> too. But why do parents believe it is okay to talk about our
> situation in that tone only to have their children repeat it? I
> never once say to my child so she can repeat it- you get to stay
> home instead of school- while they HAVE to go to school. Because in
> my opinion nobody HAS to do anything. We all have a choice whether
> it is recognized or not.
>
> How do I face this social dilema. I am able to handle my end of the
> critism and defensive views from others who choose public school-
> but how do I let my little one, who has such a tender heart, know
> that she's not missing out on anything? She's very social but does
> take every bit of negativity to heart.
>
> Has anyone else faced this dilemna with friends that not only do not
> homeschool but don't talk kindly about it either?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> ------------------------------------
>
> Visit the Unschooling website and message boards: <http://www.unschooling.info
> >Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
>
>
If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to
be happy, practice compassion. ~Dalai Lama
Sandra Dodd
-=- anyone heard of borderline personality disorder? It was a
nightmare to grow up with). So, for the moment, ...-=-
It seems it's still nightmarish. Can you move away?
-=-But why do parents believe it is okay to talk about our situation
in that tone only to have their children repeat it?-=-
#1, because it *is* okay. Other people can talk about your
situation. You can't control that.
#2, possibly because their kids are asking to stay home too, and the
parents feel the need to glorify what they're doing and belittle what
you're doing.
Both those accounts are about an unschooling mom wanting to control
other people.
Consider telling your kids that some people are so convinced school is
that only way that they get scared to even think about other things.
Maybe, if you can, go to an unschooling conference so you can see
other families and your kids can meet other unschooled kids. Or a
park day. Or visit another family you meet online or something.
If someone were a sex offender you probably wouldn't let them
babysit. If someone is being emotionally abusive to your children,
don't let them babysit. If another child is beating your kid with a
stick, take him home and don't invite him back. If another child is
beating your child up with words and shame, take him home and don't
invite him back. Or talk to that other kid, or be right there to help
steer the conversation.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
nightmare to grow up with). So, for the moment, ...-=-
It seems it's still nightmarish. Can you move away?
-=-But why do parents believe it is okay to talk about our situation
in that tone only to have their children repeat it?-=-
#1, because it *is* okay. Other people can talk about your
situation. You can't control that.
#2, possibly because their kids are asking to stay home too, and the
parents feel the need to glorify what they're doing and belittle what
you're doing.
Both those accounts are about an unschooling mom wanting to control
other people.
Consider telling your kids that some people are so convinced school is
that only way that they get scared to even think about other things.
Maybe, if you can, go to an unschooling conference so you can see
other families and your kids can meet other unschooled kids. Or a
park day. Or visit another family you meet online or something.
If someone were a sex offender you probably wouldn't let them
babysit. If someone is being emotionally abusive to your children,
don't let them babysit. If another child is beating your kid with a
stick, take him home and don't invite him back. If another child is
beating your child up with words and shame, take him home and don't
invite him back. Or talk to that other kid, or be right there to help
steer the conversation.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
thanks to the both of you for your support- I guess the thing that bothers me the most is this is exactly why I don't want them in public school- Children should be supported in their ventures especially their education. I'm disheartened because I have a feeling I'm going to be drifting away from some friends that we have had for years just because I'm choosing something other than the "norm". I do plan on becoming active with the unschooling/homeschooling community- I'm in the process of preparing ourselves financially so I can quit my job, I can't wait to get out into that big world everyday with my girls.
thanks again
thanks again
--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
>
> -=- anyone heard of borderline personality disorder? It was a
> nightmare to grow up with). So, for the moment, ...-=-
>
> It seems it's still nightmarish. Can you move away?
>
> -=-But why do parents believe it is okay to talk about our situation
> in that tone only to have their children repeat it?-=-
>
> #1, because it *is* okay. Other people can talk about your
> situation. You can't control that.
> #2, possibly because their kids are asking to stay home too, and the
> parents feel the need to glorify what they're doing and belittle what
> you're doing.
>
> Both those accounts are about an unschooling mom wanting to control
> other people.
>
> Consider telling your kids that some people are so convinced school is
> that only way that they get scared to even think about other things.
>
> Maybe, if you can, go to an unschooling conference so you can see
> other families and your kids can meet other unschooled kids. Or a
> park day. Or visit another family you meet online or something.
>
> If someone were a sex offender you probably wouldn't let them
> babysit. If someone is being emotionally abusive to your children,
> don't let them babysit. If another child is beating your kid with a
> stick, take him home and don't invite him back. If another child is
> beating your child up with words and shame, take him home and don't
> invite him back. Or talk to that other kid, or be right there to help
> steer the conversation.
>
> Sandra
>
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
Sandra Dodd
-=- I'm disheartened because I have a feeling I'm going to be drifting
away from some friends that we have had for years just because I'm
choosing something other than the "norm".-=-
That happens.
If you look at it from the other side, though, if your friends will
only like you if you're neglectful and abusive of your children, it's
an easier choice. :-/ I've lost some friends and kept some, but
they would've been gone from my life eventually anyway.
My youngest turned 18 three days ago. All three of my children
really LIKE their parents, at 18, 20 and 23. Not many parents have
that.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
away from some friends that we have had for years just because I'm
choosing something other than the "norm".-=-
That happens.
If you look at it from the other side, though, if your friends will
only like you if you're neglectful and abusive of your children, it's
an easier choice. :-/ I've lost some friends and kept some, but
they would've been gone from my life eventually anyway.
My youngest turned 18 three days ago. All three of my children
really LIKE their parents, at 18, 20 and 23. Not many parents have
that.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Pam Sorooshian
I've gotten good, over the years, at ignoring what isn't said right to
me. When you're active in a community and you speak out and get
involved, etc., there will be people who won't like you and they'll
badmouth you behind your back, so I accepted that and I really just let
it slide when I hear about it. Same with criticism of my children. "I"
know my kids. "I" know what they're really like. My kids didn't always
behave perfectly - they had to grow and learn like anybody else. But I
knew they were on a good path - their trajectory was good. Same with
myself - I screwed some things up along the way, didn't always live
perfectly up to my own standards. But I've been on a good path, too, and
part of that path is acceptance of not being perfect, of being a
learning human, not a finished product.
So - when someone criticizes your kids - why not take a good look at the
criticism. Don't take offense, put aside the defensive feelings. Just
look with eyes wide open at how much of it is true. Look at what the
source of the criticism is. Is it petty jealousy? Is it defensiveness on
their part that you're not doing things their way? Do they feel
threatened? Or, is there a teensy bit of truth in it? Are YOU worried
about the path your children are on? It is all right for the children
not to be perfect - if someone has picked up on some imperfection in
your child, it is okay to respond (even if just to yourself), "Yeah,
that's not the best thing about Johnny, but he's on the path to
improving in that area."
Sometimes other people think we're not really helping our kids do
better. They see us as lackadaisical rather than supportive. For
example, I had a daughter who would get very frustrated easily and have
little explosive meltdowns, when playing with friends. It wasn't cool -
not for her friends, but also not for her. It was something she was
working on and I was helping her, but that wasn't obvious to her friends
or their parents. I would never chastise her, which is what some parents
and their kids wanted to see. I'd comfort her and sometimes they would
think that was encouraging and rewarding her behavior. I had a few
parents say, "You need to make her stop that." Or they'd say, "You
should not let her get away with that." Sorry - but those were just
stupid comments by ignorant parents whose OWN kids didn't turn out all
that great, by the way.
I think this is a matter of confidence. I think the way to become
confident enough to handle criticism effectively (hearing it without
defensiveness, evaluating it, using what might be good information,
ignoring the rest) is to read and read and read about unschooling and
parenting and get such a deep understanding and sense of it that other
people's remarks just seem obviously off base.
I felt sometimes like someone was saying, "The sky is red today," and
I'd look at the blue sky and it would be obvious to me that they were
wearing red-tinted glasses and didn't know it.
-pam
me. When you're active in a community and you speak out and get
involved, etc., there will be people who won't like you and they'll
badmouth you behind your back, so I accepted that and I really just let
it slide when I hear about it. Same with criticism of my children. "I"
know my kids. "I" know what they're really like. My kids didn't always
behave perfectly - they had to grow and learn like anybody else. But I
knew they were on a good path - their trajectory was good. Same with
myself - I screwed some things up along the way, didn't always live
perfectly up to my own standards. But I've been on a good path, too, and
part of that path is acceptance of not being perfect, of being a
learning human, not a finished product.
So - when someone criticizes your kids - why not take a good look at the
criticism. Don't take offense, put aside the defensive feelings. Just
look with eyes wide open at how much of it is true. Look at what the
source of the criticism is. Is it petty jealousy? Is it defensiveness on
their part that you're not doing things their way? Do they feel
threatened? Or, is there a teensy bit of truth in it? Are YOU worried
about the path your children are on? It is all right for the children
not to be perfect - if someone has picked up on some imperfection in
your child, it is okay to respond (even if just to yourself), "Yeah,
that's not the best thing about Johnny, but he's on the path to
improving in that area."
Sometimes other people think we're not really helping our kids do
better. They see us as lackadaisical rather than supportive. For
example, I had a daughter who would get very frustrated easily and have
little explosive meltdowns, when playing with friends. It wasn't cool -
not for her friends, but also not for her. It was something she was
working on and I was helping her, but that wasn't obvious to her friends
or their parents. I would never chastise her, which is what some parents
and their kids wanted to see. I'd comfort her and sometimes they would
think that was encouraging and rewarding her behavior. I had a few
parents say, "You need to make her stop that." Or they'd say, "You
should not let her get away with that." Sorry - but those were just
stupid comments by ignorant parents whose OWN kids didn't turn out all
that great, by the way.
I think this is a matter of confidence. I think the way to become
confident enough to handle criticism effectively (hearing it without
defensiveness, evaluating it, using what might be good information,
ignoring the rest) is to read and read and read about unschooling and
parenting and get such a deep understanding and sense of it that other
people's remarks just seem obviously off base.
I felt sometimes like someone was saying, "The sky is red today," and
I'd look at the blue sky and it would be obvious to me that they were
wearing red-tinted glasses and didn't know it.
-pam
Sandra Dodd
-=-I felt sometimes like someone was saying, "The sky is red today," and
I'd look at the blue sky and it would be obvious to me that they were
wearing red-tinted glasses and didn't know it.-=-
My kids have always seen the blue sky, so the typical parents-of-
schoolkids comments baffle them, still. They're stunned that a parent
could actually believe this or that, or actually believe whatever. I
tell them there are billions of people that way.
Holly's leaving tomorrow to live with a family in England for several
weeks, and might go back there someday in the future. She'll be
working informally as an au pair. She'll be a tourist they're giving
spending money to. But her "expertise" in the situation is that she
was unschooled, and has been analytical about what makes unschooling
work for many years. She's been curious about how families operate
and what helps kids be confident and well behaved since she was old
enough to talk about it. In unschooling and mindful parenting, she's
a native speaker.
I was reading about au pairs, and generally they're from another EU
country with a different primary language. Holly's "different primary
language" is unschooling.
In March or April she'll live with another family with two young
girls, in Quebec for a while, and so she'll get to see other parts of
the country, live with non-American families (the family in Quebec has
a Belgian mom and east German dad, but the girls are speaking
English. The family in England is not at all American. <g> She's
visited only Americans living in England the last two times she was
there. These are really good opportunities for Holly, and another
completely unforeseen benefit of unschooling, and of the fact that she
was interested in parenting at an age when school would have
discouraged any interest in or discussion of parenting, pretty much.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I'd look at the blue sky and it would be obvious to me that they were
wearing red-tinted glasses and didn't know it.-=-
My kids have always seen the blue sky, so the typical parents-of-
schoolkids comments baffle them, still. They're stunned that a parent
could actually believe this or that, or actually believe whatever. I
tell them there are billions of people that way.
Holly's leaving tomorrow to live with a family in England for several
weeks, and might go back there someday in the future. She'll be
working informally as an au pair. She'll be a tourist they're giving
spending money to. But her "expertise" in the situation is that she
was unschooled, and has been analytical about what makes unschooling
work for many years. She's been curious about how families operate
and what helps kids be confident and well behaved since she was old
enough to talk about it. In unschooling and mindful parenting, she's
a native speaker.
I was reading about au pairs, and generally they're from another EU
country with a different primary language. Holly's "different primary
language" is unschooling.
In March or April she'll live with another family with two young
girls, in Quebec for a while, and so she'll get to see other parts of
the country, live with non-American families (the family in Quebec has
a Belgian mom and east German dad, but the girls are speaking
English. The family in England is not at all American. <g> She's
visited only Americans living in England the last two times she was
there. These are really good opportunities for Holly, and another
completely unforeseen benefit of unschooling, and of the fact that she
was interested in parenting at an age when school would have
discouraged any interest in or discussion of parenting, pretty much.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]