Amy Childs

This is in response to some of the posts I've been reading in here
about "not smart enough to unschool" and "Dodd-kid envy" <grin>, also
based on my work lately with new unschooling parents of 'deschooling'
teens, and other of my own pensive meanderings.

When parents are feeling worried that "learning isn't happening" , or
when they read the great ideas from the smart parents on this list,
or when they see heartwarming stories of the Dodd family (or others)
(which I love by the way, and I have three amazing best-friend kind-
hearted curious unschooling teens living with me too) - when
unschoolers (especially new unschoolers) read those posts I have seen
that it easy for some people to have that feeling like "I'm a bad
unschooler" and/or "my kids are bad unschoolers."

Strewing and googling and going on adventures and relaxing about TV
and letting go of chores (etc!) are ALL good ideas for those of us
who want to live fun lives of unbridled happiness and learning. But
it might not be the first step, it might be a distraction from the
underlying issue that has been mentioned many times here, but it's a
horse worth beating which is that

RELATIONSHIPS COME FIRST.

I have found, especially with parents of adolescent unschoolers, that
many parents don't really know how to have warm open free loving fun
relationships with their teen-aged children. I suppose it has
something to do with puberty and burgeoning independence, and
probably not having had delicious relationships with ones own parents
as adolescents, and then reinforced by the sad fact that most people
expect teens to be trouble and it doesn't even occur to them that
they could adore their adolescent children as much as their younger
ones.

Whatever the reason, many parents struggle with their teens,
unschooling or not.

For parents who have taken on the legal responsibility of "educating
their children" (however your state mandates it), it is a convenient
way to express our own conflicted-ness about our teens, by worrying
about their "education" - whether they are learning enough, whether
they are curious or generous or busy enough , or whether we know
enough to `teach' them.

I encourage unschooling parents who are experiencing any kind of
conflict with or about their teen (either rumbling around inside the
parents' head, or being acted upon in real life), to make a
commitment to put the RELATIONSHIP with this child above everything
else. (Again!)

I notice again and again that this is harder for parents in the
adolescent years, and so I find it helpful for parents to renew their
consciousness and intention about it, before they start trying to
find ways to "be a better unschooler". Teens are probably not going
to be distracted or entertained by clever strewing or road trips or
movie rentals. If they are not feeling cherished accepted and
totally supported by their parents, they'll just ignore or fight with
a parent who is trying to mask an unsupportive relationship
with "good unschooling practices."

My kids are fun and funny and smart and playful and interesting and
interested and they include me in what they are thinking and doing
and we have a great time together and I never wonder if they are
learning enough. BUT I don't attribute this to my own (or their )
smarts or curiosity or strewing or adventures (although I do all
those things too) - I believe it absolutely begins in our love for
each other. My relationships with my kids are based completely in
trust and love, which (as has already been said on this list a
zillion times) matters WAY more than anything.

And FROM this loving foundation my kids continue to unfold and
blossom into amazing human beings. (As would anyone!)

Amy Childs

Sandra Dodd

On Feb 13, 2006, at 1:44 PM, Amy Childs wrote:

> Whatever the reason, many parents struggle with their teens,
> unschooling or not.

I haven't seen many people struggle with teens in cases in which the
teens have not been in school.

It seems to me that school can ruin the relationship, school at home
can ruin the relationship, or years of attempted control and rules
can ruin it.

I haven't seen many people whose kids have been unschooled for years
struggle with teens.

I'm sure that won't make people feel good whose kids were in school
until they were teens, but it's worth saying.

-=-I encourage unschooling parents who are experiencing any kind of
conflict with or about their teen (either rumbling around inside the
parents' head, or being acted upon in real life), to make a
commitment to put the RELATIONSHIP with this child above everything
else. (Again!)
-=-

Good point.

Sometimes one way to make the relationship better is to get really
involved in interesting situtations, hobbies, explorations, clubs,
friendships, music groups... moving quickly toward a life based on
happiness and learning.

If a parent is thinking of waiting until they feel they have a good
relationship with a fourteen year old boy to start inviting him
out... he'll be 19 before he goes.

Relationships are based on more than words. Sometimes too much
dialog makes relationships worse. Shared experiences create
relationships.

-=-Teens are probably not going to be distracted or entertained by
clever strewing or road trips or movie rentals. -=-

Mine are.

A teen who has been in school and controlled by parents at home might
not be interested in spending that time with the parents, but that's
another matter.

A parent who can't find a movie rental that would interest her and
the teen together, or a parent who isn't willing to watch 24 or
Desperate Housewives with a teen; a parent unwilling to take a kid
to Denver or Dallas (choose your semi-local equivalent eight-hour-
drive-requiring overnight) for a major exhibition or concert or
something; a parent who cannot possibly bring something home that
would be of interest to his or her own child... that parent probably
isn't a good candidate for unschooling.

-=-f they are not feeling cherished accepted and
totally supported by their parents, they'll just ignore or fight with
a parent who is trying to mask an unsupportive relationship
with "good unschooling practices."-=-

How might a teen feel accepted and supported without offers of things
to do, have, see, visit?

Maybe I'm missing the "distracted and entertained" angle.

Sandra

Amy Childs

>>I haven't seen many people whose kids have been unschooled for years
struggle with teens.<<

This makes sense; my experience is with new unschoolers and
deschoolers (and schoolers).

>> moving quickly toward a life based on happiness and learning.<<

In my post I wanted to emphasize the "happiness" –the relationship
part, over the concern for "learning," because I've seen that it is
easy for parents to get sidetracked when they have their eye
on "learning."

>>Teens are probably not going to be distracted or entertained by
clever strewing or road trips or movie rentals.<< (me)
>>Mine are.<< (Sandra)

Mine are too. This was directed at new unschoolers, deschoolers, and
people who are having a rough time when they focus on the "learning"
part.

>>A teen who has been in school and controlled by parents at home
might not be interested in spending that time with the parents, but
that's another matter.<<

This is my main point: that if the kids aren't having fun, don't
want to be with the parents, and look like they "aren't learning," I
would encourage parents to look first at the quality of their own
relationship with their child, before jumping to some kind of a
conclusion that "if I did exactly what the Dodds (for example) do, my
kids would be as cool as them, and then unschooling would be working".

>>How might a teen feel accepted and supported without offers of
things to do, have, see, visit?<<

If a parent is harboring distrust, judgment, desire to control or
mold (etc), the child will likely not go along with the parents
offers, which could be (I think) misinterpreted as "unschooling isn't
working." I think all people (to some degree) can tell if someone who
is claiming to be "fun" is actually trying to control us, and teens
are probably the least likely to be polite about it. So an important
first step for parents is to look inside and see if they really trust
their child's process and have the relationship as the top priority.

What will most likely happen next, when a parent gets herself and her
inner world sorted out a bit, is she will probably want to do have
see and visit things together. This will then come from a place of
love friendship and fun, rather than from a place of "this is what
good unschoolers are supposed to do." It doesn't take years to
arrive at this place, sometimes just a ten minute time-out in which
we breathe and remember what's the most important. The more history
of control a parent has, the more times she will probably have to re-
commit to a relationship based on love and trust instead of coercion
and distrust.

>>Maybe I'm missing the "distracted and entertained" angle.

Maybe I wasn't clear enough that I was addressing new unschoolers and
deschoolers. I have seen new unschoolers try to extract and follow
instructions on how to "do the right thing" so that unschooling
will "work," and "learning" will happen, rather than focusing on
having a loving and trusting relationship with their child, and
letting it flow from there.

Not a new concept to this list by any means, but I was just in the
mood to say it again.

Amy Childs

nrskay

Thank you Amy, I have a tween 11 yo dd, who has been difficult
lately. She is already gone into puberty and the emotions at times
are very hard to understand.

I want to be the best mom, but at times no matter what I do it is the
wrong thing. I feel like I'm living on egg shells with her, my hubby
says the same thing.

We are trying to put her first, but she can make that very difficult
at times. I think it because she doesn't know what she wants either.

Kay

Sandra Dodd

On Feb 14, 2006, at 9:38 AM, nrskay wrote:

> We are trying to put her first, but she can make that very difficult
> at times. I think it because she doesn't know what she wants either.


I don't think you need to know what she wants, as long as you are
willing to try not to give her what she's NOT wanting right now.

Maybe she just wants space and time and to have drinks and food put
where she can get them without ceremonial communal meals all the
time. Maybe she would like to have her laundry delivered folded
without comment or pressure.

It's VERY hard for me to leave a child or husband or guest alone. I
want to chat and smile and tell stories and go somewhere. Sometimes
when that seems really inappropriate with my family for some reason,
I find a friend I haven't talked to for a while, and we go to lunch.

Maybe your daughter would like for you to go to lunch with someone
else and let her have the house to herself for an hour or two. It
won't last forever. She'll only be 11 for a year. Girls have real
stuff happening in those years, and it can feel very uncomfortable at
several levels, but it doesn't last forever.

Sandra