Advice about swearing
errika1990
While looking at my computer's history, I opened a "Freeweb" site
hosted by an acquaintance of my 12-yr.-old dd. There's a place for
messages (like a guestbook) and I recognized an online name as my
dd's. The comments she wrote on the site were just swears for the
sake of swears. "F*** ur momma" or "Screw u b**ch a**" are examples.
I guess you could say we live by principles, not rules when it comes
to swearing in our house. I'm a little surprised that my dd would
write like that. My question is, should I talk with her about it? If
so how should I approach it? I agree with and practice radical
unschooling, but I always seem to see a new way to look at things when
I read comments by this group's members. Thanks!
hosted by an acquaintance of my 12-yr.-old dd. There's a place for
messages (like a guestbook) and I recognized an online name as my
dd's. The comments she wrote on the site were just swears for the
sake of swears. "F*** ur momma" or "Screw u b**ch a**" are examples.
I guess you could say we live by principles, not rules when it comes
to swearing in our house. I'm a little surprised that my dd would
write like that. My question is, should I talk with her about it? If
so how should I approach it? I agree with and practice radical
unschooling, but I always seem to see a new way to look at things when
I read comments by this group's members. Thanks!
Sandra Dodd
On Feb 4, 2006, at 1:18 PM, errika1990 wrote:
Could you expand on that, please?
> I guess you could say we live by principles, not rules when it comes====================
> to swearing in our house.
Could you expand on that, please?
Pamela Sorooshian
I'd ignore it.
I know that all three of my kids have written stuff like that online
or talked like that for a short time in a group of friends. All got
over it pretty fast and they always knew where and when it would be
inappropriate. I haven't given a lot of thought to the reasons why
kids do this, but it is my observation that it is very very common
and most parents probably never know about it. I've heard parents
deny that their kid would do it - when I'd READ stuff their kid had
written.
-pam
I know that all three of my kids have written stuff like that online
or talked like that for a short time in a group of friends. All got
over it pretty fast and they always knew where and when it would be
inappropriate. I haven't given a lot of thought to the reasons why
kids do this, but it is my observation that it is very very common
and most parents probably never know about it. I've heard parents
deny that their kid would do it - when I'd READ stuff their kid had
written.
-pam
On Feb 4, 2006, at 12:18 PM, errika1990 wrote:
> The comments she wrote on the site were just swears for the
> sake of swears. "F*** ur momma" or "Screw u b**ch a**" are examples.
> I guess you could say we live by principles, not rules when it comes
> to swearing in our house. I'm a little surprised that my dd would
> write like that. My question is, should I talk with her about it? If
> so how should I approach it?
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Dawn Adams
I think you ventured into space she might regard as private (rightly or wrongly) and those swear words were a sort of playing and release. As you said it was just written for the sake of writing it, not to put someone down or put on some image. She was most likely just getting itout of her system a bit. Not a big deal at all.
It was never meant for you or the family to see and you shouldn't let on you did. If you did let on you'd seen them she'd likely be embarrassed, feel like you invaded her privacy and be unreceptive to much you had to say.
It might be good however, a little later to have an unrelated chat on how public and lasting comments made on the internet are. Googling her username with her might be an eye opener.
Dawn
While looking at my computer's history, I opened a "Freeweb" site
hosted by an acquaintance of my 12-yr.-old dd. There's a place for
messages (like a guestbook) and I recognized an online name as my
dd's. The comments she wrote on the site were just swears for the
sake of swears. "F*** ur momma" or "Screw u b**ch a**" are examples.
I guess you could say we live by principles, not rules when it comes
to swearing in our house. I'm a little surprised that my dd would
write like that. My question is, should I talk with her about it? If
so how should I approach it? I agree with and practice radical
unschooling, but I always seem to see a new way to look at things when
I read comments by this group's members. Thanks!
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
It was never meant for you or the family to see and you shouldn't let on you did. If you did let on you'd seen them she'd likely be embarrassed, feel like you invaded her privacy and be unreceptive to much you had to say.
It might be good however, a little later to have an unrelated chat on how public and lasting comments made on the internet are. Googling her username with her might be an eye opener.
Dawn
While looking at my computer's history, I opened a "Freeweb" site
hosted by an acquaintance of my 12-yr.-old dd. There's a place for
messages (like a guestbook) and I recognized an online name as my
dd's. The comments she wrote on the site were just swears for the
sake of swears. "F*** ur momma" or "Screw u b**ch a**" are examples.
I guess you could say we live by principles, not rules when it comes
to swearing in our house. I'm a little surprised that my dd would
write like that. My question is, should I talk with her about it? If
so how should I approach it? I agree with and practice radical
unschooling, but I always seem to see a new way to look at things when
I read comments by this group's members. Thanks!
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Have a Nice Day!
I would have to agree with this assessment. My daughter also "talks" like this on her online spaces. I would not say she "got over it quickly" though. Its been a couple of years.
But my observation is that this is kind of a kid cultural bonding experience and that they truly are embellishing what they write. We did talk about the fact that other parents read this stuff and that its not really a "private space" as she calls it.
I had a mom call me because she was very upset about what she saw my daughter writing and I pretty much told her the same thing. Of course, she didn't agree, but oh well.
I admit, it is distressing to me, but I also think that when she hits 20, and has a job, or a family, it will no longer be an issue.
Kristen
But my observation is that this is kind of a kid cultural bonding experience and that they truly are embellishing what they write. We did talk about the fact that other parents read this stuff and that its not really a "private space" as she calls it.
I had a mom call me because she was very upset about what she saw my daughter writing and I pretty much told her the same thing. Of course, she didn't agree, but oh well.
I admit, it is distressing to me, but I also think that when she hits 20, and has a job, or a family, it will no longer be an issue.
Kristen
----- Original Message -----
From: Dawn Adams
To: [email protected]
Sent: Saturday, February 04, 2006 5:14 PM
Subject: Re: [UnschoolingDiscussion] Advice about swearing
I think you ventured into space she might regard as private (rightly or wrongly) and those swear words were a sort of playing and release. As you said it was just written for the sake of writing it, not to put someone down or put on some image. She was most likely just getting itout of her system a bit. Not a big deal at all.
It was never meant for you or the family to see and you shouldn't let on you did. If you did let on you'd seen them she'd likely be embarrassed, feel like you invaded her privacy and be unreceptive to much you had to say.
It might be good however, a little later to have an unrelated chat on how public and lasting comments made on the internet are. Googling her username with her might be an eye opener.
Dawn
While looking at my computer's history, I opened a "Freeweb" site
hosted by an acquaintance of my 12-yr.-old dd. There's a place for
messages (like a guestbook) and I recognized an online name as my
dd's. The comments she wrote on the site were just swears for the
sake of swears. "F*** ur momma" or "Screw u b**ch a**" are examples.
I guess you could say we live by principles, not rules when it comes
to swearing in our house. I'm a little surprised that my dd would
write like that. My question is, should I talk with her about it? If
so how should I approach it? I agree with and practice radical
unschooling, but I always seem to see a new way to look at things when
I read comments by this group's members. Thanks!
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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Pamela Sorooshian
On Feb 4, 2006, at 5:03 PM, Have a Nice Day! wrote:
like "quickly." <G>
I asked Roxana (18) what she thought about this - she said the mom
should be glad that the daughter knows when talking like that is
"appropriate" and when it isn't. She said that kind of talk is
ubiquitous on MySpace or LiveJournal - totally "normal." She also
pointed out that it seems like almost everybody has to say something
online, that they wish had stayed private, before they learn that no
online posting is ever truly private.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> I would have to agree with this assessment. My daughter alsoWhen they're older and you look back, a couple of years WILL seem
> "talks" like this on her online spaces. I would not say she "got
> over it quickly" though. Its been a couple of years.
like "quickly." <G>
I asked Roxana (18) what she thought about this - she said the mom
should be glad that the daughter knows when talking like that is
"appropriate" and when it isn't. She said that kind of talk is
ubiquitous on MySpace or LiveJournal - totally "normal." She also
pointed out that it seems like almost everybody has to say something
online, that they wish had stayed private, before they learn that no
online posting is ever truly private.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
On Feb 4, 2006, at 6:03 PM, Have a Nice Day! wrote:
I've always reminded my kids that some people will be offended, and
they need to decide whether that's worth the risk or not.
I think it's worse for kids to need to feel sneaky than for them to
"use bad words." Most kids do both of those things: use bad
language, and sneak.
Sandra
>=================
> I had a mom call me because she was very upset about what she saw
> my daughter writing and I pretty much told her the same thing. Of
> course, she didn't agree, but oh well.
I've always reminded my kids that some people will be offended, and
they need to decide whether that's worth the risk or not.
I think it's worse for kids to need to feel sneaky than for them to
"use bad words." Most kids do both of those things: use bad
language, and sneak.
Sandra
Have a Nice Day!
On Feb 4, 2006, at 6:03 PM, Have a Nice Day! wrote:
I've always reminded my kids that some people will be offended, and
they need to decide whether that's worth the risk or not.
I think it's worse for kids to need to feel sneaky than for them to
"use bad words." Most kids do both of those things: use bad
language, and sneak.
Sandra
I'm really really glad this thread came up because like the original poster, I *was* really worried about it.
As for xanga, there *are* some really inappropriate pictures on there (like one kid has a picture of his erection on there, bold faced naked). Well, its nothing my kids don't know about already. And its nothing we haven't talked about before. And maybe thats good, because my 10 year old was the one who called the police last year (after only just turning 9) when she witnessed her cousin being molested. In the midst of the moment, she handled the whole situation extraordinarily well, scaring the guy off and getting everyone to safety....and she also successfully prosecuted him.
The moms who are upset are the ones who have 10 year old and under kids using the sites (because my 10 year old created a website for them, and it may perhaps blow away their innocence.) I don't blame them for being upset, but I guess in our family its always been such an open topic and my youngest already knows a lot about the bad language, etc because of her older brother and sister. There's more than just bad language though. The kids often portray themselves as sexually experienced or "gangsta" and comment each other about how they are going to beat each other up. And my daughter actually has gotten into a couple of fights but nothing too major. It all seems very immature to me, but then they *are* immature.
I go through periods where I hear a lot of tapes running in my head. I wonder sometimes if I'm a terrible parent because I don't really worry that much about what my kids are saying on there...its not something I take all that seriously. I told one mom that I don't take it all that seriously and she about flipped out on me. I think she really had to bite her toungue. And then I panic and start to "crack down". I told my 13 year old that I don't want swearing or references to sex on her site because its *not* private and it sends a bad message. On the other hand, its a rather safe way to try on different identities as long as they know not to meet people in person without discussing it with me or another adult, or make sure they are making safe (public) arrangements, etc.
And just the other day I told my daughter that she was leaving references to where she would be on Sat nights, along with her picture and that maybe that was too much information. Anyone could show up claiming to be someone who comments on her site. I'm sure it will probably be ok, but I was worried she may not have thought it through completely.
Having read this thread, I'm actually relieved to hear what the 18 year old daughter said, since my gut agrees with her. I really do worry that if I make an issue of it, it may become a "self fulfilling prophecy" and my daughter will stop talking to me. And that would be worse than having the stuff there and guiding her through it.
Whatever she may be writing on the xanga, she does care about what others think. Just last night she was trying on a new look and asked my opinion. She wants to look "preppy" but when she uses clothes that are too small for her, it gives a bad impression. She actually did take my advice and changed clothes and we agreed that the look she wanted was a great look, but that she needed to get new clothes to accomplish it without the "hooker" overtones :o).
I'm glad she took my advice and it just goes to show me that whatever she is writing on her xanga, she really does care about herself and she does take what how I feel into some consideration.
Kristen
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>=================
> I had a mom call me because she was very upset about what she saw
> my daughter writing and I pretty much told her the same thing. Of
> course, she didn't agree, but oh well.
I've always reminded my kids that some people will be offended, and
they need to decide whether that's worth the risk or not.
I think it's worse for kids to need to feel sneaky than for them to
"use bad words." Most kids do both of those things: use bad
language, and sneak.
Sandra
I'm really really glad this thread came up because like the original poster, I *was* really worried about it.
As for xanga, there *are* some really inappropriate pictures on there (like one kid has a picture of his erection on there, bold faced naked). Well, its nothing my kids don't know about already. And its nothing we haven't talked about before. And maybe thats good, because my 10 year old was the one who called the police last year (after only just turning 9) when she witnessed her cousin being molested. In the midst of the moment, she handled the whole situation extraordinarily well, scaring the guy off and getting everyone to safety....and she also successfully prosecuted him.
The moms who are upset are the ones who have 10 year old and under kids using the sites (because my 10 year old created a website for them, and it may perhaps blow away their innocence.) I don't blame them for being upset, but I guess in our family its always been such an open topic and my youngest already knows a lot about the bad language, etc because of her older brother and sister. There's more than just bad language though. The kids often portray themselves as sexually experienced or "gangsta" and comment each other about how they are going to beat each other up. And my daughter actually has gotten into a couple of fights but nothing too major. It all seems very immature to me, but then they *are* immature.
I go through periods where I hear a lot of tapes running in my head. I wonder sometimes if I'm a terrible parent because I don't really worry that much about what my kids are saying on there...its not something I take all that seriously. I told one mom that I don't take it all that seriously and she about flipped out on me. I think she really had to bite her toungue. And then I panic and start to "crack down". I told my 13 year old that I don't want swearing or references to sex on her site because its *not* private and it sends a bad message. On the other hand, its a rather safe way to try on different identities as long as they know not to meet people in person without discussing it with me or another adult, or make sure they are making safe (public) arrangements, etc.
And just the other day I told my daughter that she was leaving references to where she would be on Sat nights, along with her picture and that maybe that was too much information. Anyone could show up claiming to be someone who comments on her site. I'm sure it will probably be ok, but I was worried she may not have thought it through completely.
Having read this thread, I'm actually relieved to hear what the 18 year old daughter said, since my gut agrees with her. I really do worry that if I make an issue of it, it may become a "self fulfilling prophecy" and my daughter will stop talking to me. And that would be worse than having the stuff there and guiding her through it.
Whatever she may be writing on the xanga, she does care about what others think. Just last night she was trying on a new look and asked my opinion. She wants to look "preppy" but when she uses clothes that are too small for her, it gives a bad impression. She actually did take my advice and changed clothes and we agreed that the look she wanted was a great look, but that she needed to get new clothes to accomplish it without the "hooker" overtones :o).
I'm glad she took my advice and it just goes to show me that whatever she is writing on her xanga, she really does care about herself and she does take what how I feel into some consideration.
Kristen
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Sandra Dodd
On Feb 5, 2006, at 8:18 AM, Have a Nice Day! wrote:
sure where the age cutoff was for people to see her photos. And she
had a name there for a while that was "Hollywould" which she saw as
just spelling humor. When I explained to her that it would be better
not to have what some people would see as suggestive, she was half
embarrassed that she hadn't thought about it that way, and half
resentful that she had to be so careful because some people are
nasty. But she changed it to "Kirby's Sister" which is amusing to
Kirby's friends, and a kind of definite "back off" to anyone who
might think she's young and unattended. She changed her age to 80
for a while (I suggested something that was an obvious lie, not a
possible purposeful misrepresentation), and then changed it to 14.
So now people can't see anything but the beginning part of her page
unless they're her "friends" (mutual agreement to link).
If parents attempt to prevent kids from seeing what other teens are
doing, the kids will likely imagine worse than it actually is. And
if parental attempt fails, kids have to be sneaky. If parental
attempt succeeds, kids lose the opportunity to learn to sort other
kids out when they're all 14, and if they come into the whole teen
scene at 17 or 18 and in person, and haven't had the opportunity to
see how some kids posture and bullshit, and how others are
responsible and kind, they're likely to make some honestly horribly
bad mistakes: non-virtual mistakes.
If someone has an offensive, stupid online friend that won't lead to
drugs or pregnancy. They should experiment with some stupidity from
the safety of your home, in my opinion.
When I was a teen we only had school and clubs and church as places
to see other kids show their true colors, and we were VERY very often
separated from our homes and parents by circumstances, distance,
time, work hours, etc. I have been "stuck" with boys I didn't trust
in various ways and places, but I was "where I was supposed to be,"
and assumed to be safe.
When people express fear about online exchanges and webpages, I
picture it side-by-side with all I knew and saw from Jr. High and
High School. I am assured from all sources that school is MUCH
rougher and more dangerous and less chaperoned now than it was in
former decades. Our kids are not involved in that.
And up another tangent: Holly showed me her myspace page as she made
it. Every time she makes a change to it she shows me, not because I
would make her do it, but because she's excited about the kinds of
tricks she's learned to put music and links and art on it. And when
she gets a new friend she gets excited, and will show me those.
Marty made me a friend first (I have two friends on myspace: Marty
and Holly <g>), and has gotten me to help him get photos to use
(Kirby has too). Because they're showing me voluntarily, I didn't
have to sneak to see.
If a child isn't volunteering that and the parent sneaks to see,
there is still some sneakiness going on. I looked at some
livejournal stuff that was on the desktop in years past, and saw a
few things I wished I hadn't. Nothing horribly immoral; nothing
illegal. Just posturing and angst by kids I knew well. It didn't
hurt them for me to see it, and it didn't hurt me, but I felt a
little peeping-tomish.
Sandra
> I told my 13 year old that I don't want swearing or references toFor a while Holly had said she was 17 at MySpace because she wasn't
> sex on her site because its *not* private and it sends a bad message.
sure where the age cutoff was for people to see her photos. And she
had a name there for a while that was "Hollywould" which she saw as
just spelling humor. When I explained to her that it would be better
not to have what some people would see as suggestive, she was half
embarrassed that she hadn't thought about it that way, and half
resentful that she had to be so careful because some people are
nasty. But she changed it to "Kirby's Sister" which is amusing to
Kirby's friends, and a kind of definite "back off" to anyone who
might think she's young and unattended. She changed her age to 80
for a while (I suggested something that was an obvious lie, not a
possible purposeful misrepresentation), and then changed it to 14.
So now people can't see anything but the beginning part of her page
unless they're her "friends" (mutual agreement to link).
If parents attempt to prevent kids from seeing what other teens are
doing, the kids will likely imagine worse than it actually is. And
if parental attempt fails, kids have to be sneaky. If parental
attempt succeeds, kids lose the opportunity to learn to sort other
kids out when they're all 14, and if they come into the whole teen
scene at 17 or 18 and in person, and haven't had the opportunity to
see how some kids posture and bullshit, and how others are
responsible and kind, they're likely to make some honestly horribly
bad mistakes: non-virtual mistakes.
If someone has an offensive, stupid online friend that won't lead to
drugs or pregnancy. They should experiment with some stupidity from
the safety of your home, in my opinion.
When I was a teen we only had school and clubs and church as places
to see other kids show their true colors, and we were VERY very often
separated from our homes and parents by circumstances, distance,
time, work hours, etc. I have been "stuck" with boys I didn't trust
in various ways and places, but I was "where I was supposed to be,"
and assumed to be safe.
When people express fear about online exchanges and webpages, I
picture it side-by-side with all I knew and saw from Jr. High and
High School. I am assured from all sources that school is MUCH
rougher and more dangerous and less chaperoned now than it was in
former decades. Our kids are not involved in that.
And up another tangent: Holly showed me her myspace page as she made
it. Every time she makes a change to it she shows me, not because I
would make her do it, but because she's excited about the kinds of
tricks she's learned to put music and links and art on it. And when
she gets a new friend she gets excited, and will show me those.
Marty made me a friend first (I have two friends on myspace: Marty
and Holly <g>), and has gotten me to help him get photos to use
(Kirby has too). Because they're showing me voluntarily, I didn't
have to sneak to see.
If a child isn't volunteering that and the parent sneaks to see,
there is still some sneakiness going on. I looked at some
livejournal stuff that was on the desktop in years past, and saw a
few things I wished I hadn't. Nothing horribly immoral; nothing
illegal. Just posturing and angst by kids I knew well. It didn't
hurt them for me to see it, and it didn't hurt me, but I felt a
little peeping-tomish.
Sandra
Pamela Sorooshian
On Feb 5, 2006, at 7:18 AM, Have a Nice Day! wrote:
clothes are just clothes and make-up is just make-up and hair grows
back and it is easy to insult our kids - when they ask for our
opinion they can still get their feelings hurt. We say, "Well the
shirt is a little tight," and they can hear, "You're too fat," or
"You have bad taste."
Read "The Parent-Teen Breakthrough: A Relationship Approach" by Mira
Kirschenbaum.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> Whatever she may be writing on the xanga, she does care aboutGood if she agreed without feeling insulted. Be careful though -
> what others think. Just last night she was trying on a new look
> and asked my opinion. She wants to look "preppy" but when she uses
> clothes that are too small for her, it gives a bad impression.
> She actually did take my advice and changed clothes and we agreed
> that the look she wanted was a great look, but that she needed to
> get new clothes to accomplish it without the "hooker" overtones :o).
>
> I'm glad she took my advice and it just goes to show me that
> whatever she is writing on her xanga, she really does care about
> herself and she does take what how I feel into some consideration.
clothes are just clothes and make-up is just make-up and hair grows
back and it is easy to insult our kids - when they ask for our
opinion they can still get their feelings hurt. We say, "Well the
shirt is a little tight," and they can hear, "You're too fat," or
"You have bad taste."
Read "The Parent-Teen Breakthrough: A Relationship Approach" by Mira
Kirschenbaum.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Have a Nice Day!
Read "The Parent-Teen Breakthrough: A Relationship Approach" by Mira
Kirschenbaum.
I've read it 3 times. Its a good book.
Kristen
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Kirschenbaum.
I've read it 3 times. Its a good book.
Kristen
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
On Feb 5, 2006, at 11:44 AM, Pamela Sorooshian wrote:
"Hair grows back" has had to be my mantra.
Kirby had waist-length hair when he asked me to cut it three years ago
—all off.
Marty had me shave his head for three years; then he let it grow and
it was curly and pretty, and then he got a grocery-store job and off
it went.
Holly... well...
Half of Holly's hair is shaved off and the other half is shoulder
length, and she took the shaved half out of the middle.
Hair grows back.
When Holly's wearing something potentially questionable, I think
about where she will be going (if anywhere) before I comment on it.
Sometimes it doesn't matter. And I've known adults who were
constrained in what they wore by parents or Catholic school or
whatever, who when they moved away went CRAZY and bought expensive
nasty clothes, heels, nasty underwear, expensive nails and mail-up,
and never looked back to even WONDER if it was okay, because in their
families they had been told that all that was only for adults, or for
sinners, and so when they broke loose of the bonds, they flung
themselves WAY, way away.
Letting Holly do a touch of Brittany Spears when she was too young to
have a clue (and she was with us, or her brothers, or other families—
not walking alone to a bus stop) let her get it out of her system.
Letting her wear makeup when she was ten let her not have any
interest in it now that she's 14. I waited, and waited, and WAITED
to be 15 so I could wear makeup and get my ears pierced, so by GOD I
wore makeup. (Not for long, but the waiting was ridiculous. If I
could've gotten over the urge with kid-stuff or borrowed mom-stuff I
wouldn't have spent my own teen money on it. I still remember some
irridescent orangish kind of lipstick, purported to be what the cool
girls were wearing in London. GROSS!)
Sandra
> Good if she agreed without feeling insulted. Be careful though -=============
> clothes are just clothes and make-up is just make-up and hair grows
> back and it is easy to insult our kids - when they ask for our
> opinion they can still get their feelings hurt. We say, "Well the
> shirt is a little tight," and they can hear, "You're too fat," or
> "You have bad taste."
"Hair grows back" has had to be my mantra.
Kirby had waist-length hair when he asked me to cut it three years ago
—all off.
Marty had me shave his head for three years; then he let it grow and
it was curly and pretty, and then he got a grocery-store job and off
it went.
Holly... well...
Half of Holly's hair is shaved off and the other half is shoulder
length, and she took the shaved half out of the middle.
Hair grows back.
When Holly's wearing something potentially questionable, I think
about where she will be going (if anywhere) before I comment on it.
Sometimes it doesn't matter. And I've known adults who were
constrained in what they wore by parents or Catholic school or
whatever, who when they moved away went CRAZY and bought expensive
nasty clothes, heels, nasty underwear, expensive nails and mail-up,
and never looked back to even WONDER if it was okay, because in their
families they had been told that all that was only for adults, or for
sinners, and so when they broke loose of the bonds, they flung
themselves WAY, way away.
Letting Holly do a touch of Brittany Spears when she was too young to
have a clue (and she was with us, or her brothers, or other families—
not walking alone to a bus stop) let her get it out of her system.
Letting her wear makeup when she was ten let her not have any
interest in it now that she's 14. I waited, and waited, and WAITED
to be 15 so I could wear makeup and get my ears pierced, so by GOD I
wore makeup. (Not for long, but the waiting was ridiculous. If I
could've gotten over the urge with kid-stuff or borrowed mom-stuff I
wouldn't have spent my own teen money on it. I still remember some
irridescent orangish kind of lipstick, purported to be what the cool
girls were wearing in London. GROSS!)
Sandra
errika1990
--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...>
wrote:
What I mean is that we don't have a rule about swearing, but we
generally don't swear in our family. (I won't say never. You might,
once and a great while, hear a well placed SH**!! here or there.)
Until recently, I hadn't thought about implied rules, or rules that
she assumes are in place. And even if it's a principle, won't she
still feel sneaky?
I might add that, although we've never consciously implemented any
rules per se, she's always been a great rule follower and has prided
herself on it. I'll try to explain. Example: When she was younger and
knew she shouldn't ride her bike in the street, she would make sure
everyone that rode bikes with her also stayed on the sidewalk, and got
angry if they didn't. I wish I could remember now how I handled it
then, because though I've always leaned toward a RU parenting style, I
didn't then have the insights and information that I do now. (I
imagine I would've told her how great that was that she stayed on the
sidewalk and that I was proud of her.) She has a strong sense of
"doing what's right" and doesn't always know for herself what that is.
So, I've often wondered in my inner battles, if there are some kids,
my dd included, who like the safety and boundaries of rules and of
knowing that they're doing the "right" thing. I worry that if I tell
her it's "okay" to swear online but there may be consequences,
(friend's parent seeing it and passing judgement, for example) that
she'll feel (I'm struggling with the right words here) maybe lost
or even overwhelmed by the responsibility it gives her? For
her it seems easier to just have a rule to go by.
Okay, more explanation needed again. (Sorry) She often has a hard time
with too many choices and making decisions. She frequently asks me to
make decisions for her. When instead I try to help her realize the
best decision for herself she'll get angry and tell me to "just tell
me what to do!" The funny thing is that, more times than not, when I
tell her my opinion, she'll do the other thing! LOL!
Well, I've got millions of different issues I want to address here,
but this was long enough for now. I will add that she's my only child
(my husband has 2 older- dd & ds ) she's been attatchement parented,
(nursed well past school age, family bed even now for the most
part)and has never been to school, but is now wondering what it's like
and wants to try it. (Another post for another day!)
Thanks so much for your time and insights.
wrote:
>I'll try. You tell me if I get it. :)
>
> On Feb 4, 2006, at 1:18 PM, errika1990 wrote:
>
> > I guess you could say we live by principles, not rules when it comes
> > to swearing in our house.
>
> ====================
>
> Could you expand on that, please?
>
What I mean is that we don't have a rule about swearing, but we
generally don't swear in our family. (I won't say never. You might,
once and a great while, hear a well placed SH**!! here or there.)
Until recently, I hadn't thought about implied rules, or rules that
she assumes are in place. And even if it's a principle, won't she
still feel sneaky?
I might add that, although we've never consciously implemented any
rules per se, she's always been a great rule follower and has prided
herself on it. I'll try to explain. Example: When she was younger and
knew she shouldn't ride her bike in the street, she would make sure
everyone that rode bikes with her also stayed on the sidewalk, and got
angry if they didn't. I wish I could remember now how I handled it
then, because though I've always leaned toward a RU parenting style, I
didn't then have the insights and information that I do now. (I
imagine I would've told her how great that was that she stayed on the
sidewalk and that I was proud of her.) She has a strong sense of
"doing what's right" and doesn't always know for herself what that is.
So, I've often wondered in my inner battles, if there are some kids,
my dd included, who like the safety and boundaries of rules and of
knowing that they're doing the "right" thing. I worry that if I tell
her it's "okay" to swear online but there may be consequences,
(friend's parent seeing it and passing judgement, for example) that
she'll feel (I'm struggling with the right words here) maybe lost
or even overwhelmed by the responsibility it gives her? For
her it seems easier to just have a rule to go by.
Okay, more explanation needed again. (Sorry) She often has a hard time
with too many choices and making decisions. She frequently asks me to
make decisions for her. When instead I try to help her realize the
best decision for herself she'll get angry and tell me to "just tell
me what to do!" The funny thing is that, more times than not, when I
tell her my opinion, she'll do the other thing! LOL!
Well, I've got millions of different issues I want to address here,
but this was long enough for now. I will add that she's my only child
(my husband has 2 older- dd & ds ) she's been attatchement parented,
(nursed well past school age, family bed even now for the most
part)and has never been to school, but is now wondering what it's like
and wants to try it. (Another post for another day!)
Thanks so much for your time and insights.
errika1990
>Just ordered it on Amazon! Thanks!
> Read "The Parent-Teen Breakthrough: A Relationship Approach" by Mira
> Kirschenbaum.
>
> -pam