kgutty67

Hi all

I lurk here usually, but have a question for which I would
appreciate some advice.

We've been deschooling most of last year, and in earnest since
October. This month has seen the beginning of the school year here
in Australia so I am taking note of what they are doing for the sake
of sceptics. I journal for myself daily and I've just copied the
reporting draft for myself. There are 8 children in our family, all
of whom are so, so different. My concern right now is for my 12 1/2
yo daughter.

A very quick background. Born extremely premature (25weeks) she has
struggled within herself (and with all those measuring sticks) at
each personal developmental stage. She has not suffered with any
ongoing physical handicaps, just a more simplistic view of life. My
husband and I have never labelled her, nor said she is behind etc.,
and we have never gone in for the medical updates of doom and
gloom. Certain foods upset her badly, so her choice is to have a
very simple diet which helps her feel calm and in control.

The issue for her (well really me) is she doesn't appear to have any
of her very own interests. When asked, she will recite someone
else's dream, or desire, what she has heard someone else speak of.
I try to guide her to express her own thoughts but I truly get a
blank look. She doesn't see life through the same eyes as most
people, I'm cool with that, I just want her to live her life, not
someone else's.

Strewing stuff for her feels like I'm making up her mind for her.
That's not what I want for her, I just can't seem to get her to
express her feelings and interests.

Any suggestions?

Kerryn

Betsy Hill

** Strewing stuff for her feels like I'm making up her mind for her.
That's not what I want for her, I just can't seem to get her to
express her feelings and interests.**

Well, if you strew two things on the same table, when she walks up to
them she'll decide which one interests her the most, right?

(I can imagine how having unpleasant reactions to food could make one a
cautious eater -- maybe it could make one a cautious try-er of everything?)

If you really feel she can't tell you what her "likes" or interests are,
it still a good idea to try a variety of things. (As much as she can
comfortably tolerate) You can watch her body language during an
experience and maybe discuss the activity as it ends so that even if she
doesn't know what she likes, you have some data to work with. Then you
repeat the stuff that got the most positive response.

(I've had really polite guests before who said "oh, that sounds lovely"
rather tepidly to everything I offered and I was unable, at that time,
to find out what they really wanted.)

Betsy

PS If you strew some catalogs would she pick out what she wants?

Deb

Watching her - what lights her eyes, what comforts her, what does she
meander over to in those odd moments here and there, etc - might be
more helpful than asking her. At this point, she's in the child/not
child transition and you note that all those milestone/transition
times tend to be rough times for her. She might not at this point be
able to say what her interests are because they're all still jumbled
and getting sorted out. What kinds of things are you expecting
exactly? Long range "I want to go to medical school" type
interests? "I want to learn to knit"? "I'd like a strawberry milkshake
with lunch please"? are all different types of interests or desires
but with very different levels of intensity (if you want to call it
that, I couldn't think of another phrase for it, maybe someone else
can).

--Deb

Sandra Dodd

On Jan 26, 2006, at 5:19 AM, kgutty67 wrote:

> -=-We've been deschooling most of last year, and in earnest since
> October. -=-


That's not very long. Don't expect really exciting results until
probably NEXT October, but don't chicken out in the meantime!

-=-She has not suffered with any ongoing physical handicaps, just a
more simplistic view of life. -=-

Hers is the only view she will ever have.

-=-The issue for her (well really me) is she doesn't appear to have any
of her very own interests. When asked, she will recite someone
else's dream, or desire, what she has heard someone else speak of. -=-

If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question.

I'm surprised every time anyone writes "Well I asked my kids what
their interests were, and they didn't know." It's not a nice
question to ask. One doesn't ask one's husband some Tuesday
afternoon "So... what are your interests? What kinds of things do
you really like?" Presumably, living with the guy, one would already
KNOW his interests. Same with children.

-=-I try to guide her to express her own thoughts but I truly get a
blank look. -=-

I think you're trying to dredge out thoughts that will make you feel
good. You want her to express something unique and clever, maybe,
and she's not there yet. The more you "guide" or ask, the more she
might shut down, or feel there's something wrong with her, or that
she's not giving the right answer on a test for which she's unprepared.

-=-She doesn't see life through the same eyes as most
people, I'm cool with that-=-

Apparently not as cool with it as you would like to be.

-=-Strewing stuff for her feels like I'm making up her mind for her.
That's not what I want for her, I just can't seem to get her to
express her feelings and interests.-=-

You want her to be different from the way she is. Try not to do that.

You shouldn't try to "GET HER" to do anything different, if she's
healthy and happy. If you put something out and she picks it up and
examines it, plays with it, asks about it, shows it to someone else,
in what way is that you making up her mind for her? If you put
something out and she doesn't pick it up, that's her expressing what
her interests are (and aren't).

Can you give us a more specific example of something you fear to
"strew"?

Sandra