question about "presentation" of issues
[email protected]
I am having a *very* big problem with people (mostly relatives) presenting personal beliefs as complete fact and calling anyone who disagrees (including me) stupid and (literally!!) hellbound. My boys are fairly young (8, 3, 1) so understanding the difference between belief and proven fact is difficult for them as yet.
This is **not** simply a difference in religious beliefs - it goes MUCH further than that. I strongly feel that tolerance to differences is one of the most important things the boys need to understand, but with such strongly presented oppositional views, it seems like the kids are struggling with what is "true" and what is "not".
For instance, one side of the family is extremely prejudiced against anyone different, be it religion, political view, sexual orientation, race, personal appearance, education, attitude toward money, moral/value systems, even attitudes toward pets. Some of the "gems" the boys have come to me in confusion include: certain races "are all terrifed of dogs"; anyone not of their religious belief is going to hell; dating anyone of a different race or the same gender "should be killed where they stand"; (most) jobs/life responsibilities are strictly spread among girl/boy lines and are never to be crossed, etc. My decision to pull my oldest out of school really raised hackles, but since he isn't blood-related to them, they can't force the issue, other than in attitudes/words, etc.
Since eliminating contact with these family members is not possible, does anyone have any suggestions on how I can minimize the effects of these "lectures" on the boys? I don't have a problem with presenting information, I have a problem with the way it is being presented, as if there is no other approach to anything. I can negate the more offensive subjects simply by discussing them (with my oldest, anyway - the little ones don't really seem to get the lectures too much yet) but it is upsetting when he comes home from a visit and is spouting something I'd expect from a white-supremacy group.
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This is **not** simply a difference in religious beliefs - it goes MUCH further than that. I strongly feel that tolerance to differences is one of the most important things the boys need to understand, but with such strongly presented oppositional views, it seems like the kids are struggling with what is "true" and what is "not".
For instance, one side of the family is extremely prejudiced against anyone different, be it religion, political view, sexual orientation, race, personal appearance, education, attitude toward money, moral/value systems, even attitudes toward pets. Some of the "gems" the boys have come to me in confusion include: certain races "are all terrifed of dogs"; anyone not of their religious belief is going to hell; dating anyone of a different race or the same gender "should be killed where they stand"; (most) jobs/life responsibilities are strictly spread among girl/boy lines and are never to be crossed, etc. My decision to pull my oldest out of school really raised hackles, but since he isn't blood-related to them, they can't force the issue, other than in attitudes/words, etc.
Since eliminating contact with these family members is not possible, does anyone have any suggestions on how I can minimize the effects of these "lectures" on the boys? I don't have a problem with presenting information, I have a problem with the way it is being presented, as if there is no other approach to anything. I can negate the more offensive subjects simply by discussing them (with my oldest, anyway - the little ones don't really seem to get the lectures too much yet) but it is upsetting when he comes home from a visit and is spouting something I'd expect from a white-supremacy group.
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Sandra Dodd
On Jan 22, 2006, at 1:08 PM, leobellalace@... wrote:
have the... personality to pull it off (I don't know the family
dynamics) but maybe you could make a form letter. Use it as often as
you need, changing one phrase in each paragraph as the situation
requires, and at the bottom clearly indicate that you've saved a copy
and put the date on it. It could say something like:
Dear ____________ (and I would do it on the computer instead of a
real fill-in-the-blanks; add these things in in a Word file):
Because we are intent on helping our children learn to think
logically, rationally and critically, I hope you will refrain in the
future from telling them that [the earth is flat, or queers will burn
in hell, or Black people are afraid of dogs, or whatever it was that
time]. If you would like for me to discuss that topic with them,
please send me your research/documentation and I'll share that with
them.
Thanks for [taking them to lunch, having them over, whatever good
thing you can say].
Sincerely,
You
cc: files/homeschooling
=====================
Perhaps in such cases as "dating anyone of a different race or the
same gender "should be killed where they stand"" you could quote the
phrase your child repeats and say "Perhaps Bobby misunderstood you,
but he thought you said lesbians should be killed where they stand,
and I'm sure you wouldn't have said anything so ignorant and violent
to my son."
And as the years go by, your collection of letters (IN WRITING, at
their house and at yours, and they can share them around among the
other relatives all they want, to YOUR advantage) would be a very
educational souvenir for your kids, as they get older.
Sandra
> -=-My boys are fairly young (8, 3, 1) so understanding theAs I was reading your post, I had a great idea. I don't know if you
> difference between belief and proven fact is difficult for them as
> yet.-=-
have the... personality to pull it off (I don't know the family
dynamics) but maybe you could make a form letter. Use it as often as
you need, changing one phrase in each paragraph as the situation
requires, and at the bottom clearly indicate that you've saved a copy
and put the date on it. It could say something like:
Dear ____________ (and I would do it on the computer instead of a
real fill-in-the-blanks; add these things in in a Word file):
Because we are intent on helping our children learn to think
logically, rationally and critically, I hope you will refrain in the
future from telling them that [the earth is flat, or queers will burn
in hell, or Black people are afraid of dogs, or whatever it was that
time]. If you would like for me to discuss that topic with them,
please send me your research/documentation and I'll share that with
them.
Thanks for [taking them to lunch, having them over, whatever good
thing you can say].
Sincerely,
You
cc: files/homeschooling
=====================
Perhaps in such cases as "dating anyone of a different race or the
same gender "should be killed where they stand"" you could quote the
phrase your child repeats and say "Perhaps Bobby misunderstood you,
but he thought you said lesbians should be killed where they stand,
and I'm sure you wouldn't have said anything so ignorant and violent
to my son."
And as the years go by, your collection of letters (IN WRITING, at
their house and at yours, and they can share them around among the
other relatives all they want, to YOUR advantage) would be a very
educational souvenir for your kids, as they get older.
Sandra
Sylvia Toyama
Since eliminating contact with these family members is not possible, does anyone have any suggestions on how I can minimize the effects of these "lectures" on the boys?
*****
As someone who has cut off all contact with members of my own extended family, I would encourage you to consider whether or not you really can cut them off. If you decide you can't do that, here's what I did with my Dad (I was tempted to cut him off, but offered him a choice first). On a visit to my home (he'd driven 2,000 miles) he launched into some political rant, in front of my then 4yo. I told him to stop, that his opinions weren't welcome. He replied by saying he didn't know I 'felt this way' he'd never heard me talk this way before. I explained that when I was a girl, living in his home, I didn't argue because it was his home and not worth the fight. Now it was my home, and my child and I will decide what behaviors/words will be welcome around my child in our home. Further, if he couldn't get his act together and do as I wished, he wouldn't be invited to be part of my son's life, whether in our home or anywhere else. Surprisingly, his behavior improved considerably.
He doesn't argue politics or anything else with me, anywhere. It's rare he even brings it up at all. Of course, you have to be willing to play the grandchildren card, and ready to back it up if pushed.
Sylvia
---------------------------------
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Photo Books. You design it and well bind it!
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*****
As someone who has cut off all contact with members of my own extended family, I would encourage you to consider whether or not you really can cut them off. If you decide you can't do that, here's what I did with my Dad (I was tempted to cut him off, but offered him a choice first). On a visit to my home (he'd driven 2,000 miles) he launched into some political rant, in front of my then 4yo. I told him to stop, that his opinions weren't welcome. He replied by saying he didn't know I 'felt this way' he'd never heard me talk this way before. I explained that when I was a girl, living in his home, I didn't argue because it was his home and not worth the fight. Now it was my home, and my child and I will decide what behaviors/words will be welcome around my child in our home. Further, if he couldn't get his act together and do as I wished, he wouldn't be invited to be part of my son's life, whether in our home or anywhere else. Surprisingly, his behavior improved considerably.
He doesn't argue politics or anything else with me, anywhere. It's rare he even brings it up at all. Of course, you have to be willing to play the grandchildren card, and ready to back it up if pushed.
Sylvia
---------------------------------
Yahoo! Photos Showcase holiday pictures in hardcover
Photo Books. You design it and well bind it!
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]