Teens driving with other teens
wifetovegman2002
A new situation is arising more often, where Sarah (16) is beginning
to find herself in situations where other teens/young 20s are driving.
About a month ago I was in a car following one driven by a teenage
friend who had Sarah and his own sister in his car, and saw him
driving rather aggressively and almost hit someone as he changed lanes
without looking carefully first.
Last night her shift supervisor (a young woman in her late teens)
offered to give her a ride home from work so that we didn't have to go
pick her up. She called to let me know, and I said it was fine, and
about 12 minutes later she was home safe and sound. No problem, but I
do realize I don't know this young woman yet, and about a week ago
Sarah got a ride with another co-worker to the store's Christmas
dinner party. Again, not a problem, I just don't know these people yet.
How have other people broached this subject with their teens?
I do NOT want to create a bunch of rules, but instead give her
information and guidelines that apply to any situation so she can
evaluate it and make good choices herself.
I know and she knows the obvious one of not driving with someone she
knows is chemically impaired, but are there other things I should
bring up with her?
I do trust Sarah's judgement, but want to make sure she has the
information she needs to make those choices fully informed. I also
don't want to sound like I am judging her friends harshly or anything
like that either, though, and I know how such converations can sound
that way without some amount of caution as to how I word things.
So do I even need to bring it up? She is a smart girl, and I do think
she has no weird desire to be in a dangerous situation. Maybe I am
feeling anxious unecessarily.
Should I give her the standard line, "If you find yourself in a
situation where you or your companions are intoxicated, call home and
we will come get you, no questions asked"? It always sounded so
phoney to me, because I couldn't imagine a parent not talking to their
child about the situation afterwards (even if it is a week afterwards).
Thanks for any insights any of you can share,
~Susan M. in VA
wifetovegman
to find herself in situations where other teens/young 20s are driving.
About a month ago I was in a car following one driven by a teenage
friend who had Sarah and his own sister in his car, and saw him
driving rather aggressively and almost hit someone as he changed lanes
without looking carefully first.
Last night her shift supervisor (a young woman in her late teens)
offered to give her a ride home from work so that we didn't have to go
pick her up. She called to let me know, and I said it was fine, and
about 12 minutes later she was home safe and sound. No problem, but I
do realize I don't know this young woman yet, and about a week ago
Sarah got a ride with another co-worker to the store's Christmas
dinner party. Again, not a problem, I just don't know these people yet.
How have other people broached this subject with their teens?
I do NOT want to create a bunch of rules, but instead give her
information and guidelines that apply to any situation so she can
evaluate it and make good choices herself.
I know and she knows the obvious one of not driving with someone she
knows is chemically impaired, but are there other things I should
bring up with her?
I do trust Sarah's judgement, but want to make sure she has the
information she needs to make those choices fully informed. I also
don't want to sound like I am judging her friends harshly or anything
like that either, though, and I know how such converations can sound
that way without some amount of caution as to how I word things.
So do I even need to bring it up? She is a smart girl, and I do think
she has no weird desire to be in a dangerous situation. Maybe I am
feeling anxious unecessarily.
Should I give her the standard line, "If you find yourself in a
situation where you or your companions are intoxicated, call home and
we will come get you, no questions asked"? It always sounded so
phoney to me, because I couldn't imagine a parent not talking to their
child about the situation afterwards (even if it is a week afterwards).
Thanks for any insights any of you can share,
~Susan M. in VA
wifetovegman
Betsy Hill
** Should I give her the standard line, "If you find yourself in a
situation where you or your companions are intoxicated, call home and
we will come get you, no questions asked"? It always sounded so
phoney to me, because I couldn't imagine a parent not talking to their
child about the situation afterwards (even if it is a week afterwards).**
I think the crucial point is not to punish a teen for calling for a
safer ride. And lectures CAN be punishment. But I don't necessarily
think you have to promise not to talk at all. (That seems like it would
be for families where the kids and parents already have a history of
conflict.)
Betsy
situation where you or your companions are intoxicated, call home and
we will come get you, no questions asked"? It always sounded so
phoney to me, because I couldn't imagine a parent not talking to their
child about the situation afterwards (even if it is a week afterwards).**
I think the crucial point is not to punish a teen for calling for a
safer ride. And lectures CAN be punishment. But I don't necessarily
think you have to promise not to talk at all. (That seems like it would
be for families where the kids and parents already have a history of
conflict.)
Betsy
[email protected]
-----Original Message-----
From: Betsy Hill <ecsamhill@...>
** Should I give her the standard line, "If you find yourself in a
situation where you or your companions are intoxicated, call home and
we will come get you, no questions asked"? It always sounded so
phoney to me, because I couldn't imagine a parent not talking to their
child about the situation afterwards (even if it is a week afterwards).**
I think the crucial point is not to punish a teen for calling for a
safer ride. And lectures CAN be punishment. But I don't necessarily
think you have to promise not to talk at all. (That seems like it would
be for families where the kids and parents already have a history of
conflict.)
-=-=-=
I was told that after two drinks I was supposed to call home and my parents would come get me. No questions.
Unfortunately, my father *often* drank more than two drinks and would STILL drive home. He set a bad
example. HIS bad!
I never called. At college, hell---I have NO idea *how* I got home some nights!
So, with Cameron, we said it, and we meant it. We've picked him up four-five times, maybe? A couple of
times, he's opted to spend the night or leave his car there, get a ride with a friend, and have us take him
to his car the next morning.
He KNOWS his safety is much more important to us than anything else. And he TRUSTS us. We ALWAYS thank him
for calling us to pick him up or for letting us know that he's spending the night out.
That trust thang again---it's POWERFUL stuff!
~KellyKelly LovejoyConference CoordinatorLive and Learn Unschooling Conferencehttp://liveandlearnconference.org
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
From: Betsy Hill <ecsamhill@...>
** Should I give her the standard line, "If you find yourself in a
situation where you or your companions are intoxicated, call home and
we will come get you, no questions asked"? It always sounded so
phoney to me, because I couldn't imagine a parent not talking to their
child about the situation afterwards (even if it is a week afterwards).**
I think the crucial point is not to punish a teen for calling for a
safer ride. And lectures CAN be punishment. But I don't necessarily
think you have to promise not to talk at all. (That seems like it would
be for families where the kids and parents already have a history of
conflict.)
-=-=-=
I was told that after two drinks I was supposed to call home and my parents would come get me. No questions.
Unfortunately, my father *often* drank more than two drinks and would STILL drive home. He set a bad
example. HIS bad!
I never called. At college, hell---I have NO idea *how* I got home some nights!
So, with Cameron, we said it, and we meant it. We've picked him up four-five times, maybe? A couple of
times, he's opted to spend the night or leave his car there, get a ride with a friend, and have us take him
to his car the next morning.
He KNOWS his safety is much more important to us than anything else. And he TRUSTS us. We ALWAYS thank him
for calling us to pick him up or for letting us know that he's spending the night out.
That trust thang again---it's POWERFUL stuff!
~KellyKelly LovejoyConference CoordinatorLive and Learn Unschooling Conferencehttp://liveandlearnconference.org
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
On Dec 12, 2005, at 8:34 AM, wifetovegman2002 wrote:
Why recite a line?
Why add "no questions asked?"
Better to say "Anytime you don't feel safe getting in the car with
someone, call and I'll come and get you."
That puts it more in the realm of principle than rule. The first
speech ("standard line") requires her to judge intoxication, and it
applies only to intoxication. If the principle is safety, she might
not want to get into a bald-tired little car on a snowy night, or
might not want to get in with someone who has been too flirty and
suggestive, or who's saying "I have a couple of stops to make" or
anything. Could be anything.
I think encouraging her to say "there's a pedestrian" or "Please
don't go so fast" or "Your turn signal's still on" or whatever is
good too. If parents don't give the standard speech about back seat
driving, but they accept the critique of the passenger, that will
make them feel more like helping new drivers remember things. Marty
is great at reminding me I need to be in a different lane so that I'm
not trying to squeeze in at the last moment. I LIKE for him to tell
me "You need to be in the left lane." Training a kid not to be "a
backseat driver" isn't good. It makes them powerless and voiceless.
Some young drivers are better than some long-experienced drivers, too.
Sandra
> Should I give her the standard line, "If you find yourself in a======================================
> situation where you or your companions are intoxicated, call home and
> we will come get you, no questions asked"? It always sounded so
> phoney to me, because I couldn't imagine a parent not talking to their
> child about the situation afterwards (even if it is a week
> afterwards).
Why recite a line?
Why add "no questions asked?"
Better to say "Anytime you don't feel safe getting in the car with
someone, call and I'll come and get you."
That puts it more in the realm of principle than rule. The first
speech ("standard line") requires her to judge intoxication, and it
applies only to intoxication. If the principle is safety, she might
not want to get into a bald-tired little car on a snowy night, or
might not want to get in with someone who has been too flirty and
suggestive, or who's saying "I have a couple of stops to make" or
anything. Could be anything.
I think encouraging her to say "there's a pedestrian" or "Please
don't go so fast" or "Your turn signal's still on" or whatever is
good too. If parents don't give the standard speech about back seat
driving, but they accept the critique of the passenger, that will
make them feel more like helping new drivers remember things. Marty
is great at reminding me I need to be in a different lane so that I'm
not trying to squeeze in at the last moment. I LIKE for him to tell
me "You need to be in the left lane." Training a kid not to be "a
backseat driver" isn't good. It makes them powerless and voiceless.
Some young drivers are better than some long-experienced drivers, too.
Sandra
[email protected]
In a message dated 12/12/2005 11:11:02 AM Eastern Standard Time,
kbcdlovejo@... writes:
"If you find yourself in a
situation where you or your companions are intoxicated, call home and
we will come get you, no questions asked"? It always sounded so
phoney to me, because I couldn't imagine a parent not talking to their
child about the situation afterwards (even if it is a week afterwards).**
Instead of saying "no questions" maybe you could substitute the words " no
lectures" nor "punishments".
It isn't phony if you mean it, and we did and are on child number 4 that
we've picked up at whatever time they called for whatever reason and there were
no lectures and no punishments, sometimes no discussion other than where we
needed to go to pick up a car or take another teen home that we also picked up.
We didn't have some false sense that our children would never be drinking or
impaired and so there was no need for long lectures or even much of a
discussion about it, we just did it because we love them and want to help keep them
safe.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
kbcdlovejo@... writes:
"If you find yourself in a
situation where you or your companions are intoxicated, call home and
we will come get you, no questions asked"? It always sounded so
phoney to me, because I couldn't imagine a parent not talking to their
child about the situation afterwards (even if it is a week afterwards).**
Instead of saying "no questions" maybe you could substitute the words " no
lectures" nor "punishments".
It isn't phony if you mean it, and we did and are on child number 4 that
we've picked up at whatever time they called for whatever reason and there were
no lectures and no punishments, sometimes no discussion other than where we
needed to go to pick up a car or take another teen home that we also picked up.
We didn't have some false sense that our children would never be drinking or
impaired and so there was no need for long lectures or even much of a
discussion about it, we just did it because we love them and want to help keep them
safe.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
wifetovegman2002
--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd
<Sandra@S...> wrote:
needed to say than the only thing that came to mind. That works great;
it says what I need to convey without that "rule" thing in my head or
hers.
~Susan M. in VA
wifetovegman
<Sandra@S...> wrote:
>Thanks, Sandra, I knew there had to be a better way to phrase what I
> Better to say "Anytime you don't feel safe getting in the car with
> someone, call and I'll come and get you."
>
needed to say than the only thing that came to mind. That works great;
it says what I need to convey without that "rule" thing in my head or
hers.
~Susan M. in VA
wifetovegman
Vicki A. Dennis
We did not say "no questions asked". But did assure our children (and even
sometimes their friends!?!) that we did not need all the explanations right
that minute.....neither during the phone call NOR during the ride home.
We talked of possible situations that could arise and that there were
probably many that I didn't think of (although in our household I am known
as the person who can imagine really, really farfetched scenarios :-) ).
We also spoke of (and were able to actually carry through on) the common
possibility that when a child managed to get drunk when they were driving
themselves OR when a designated driver became impaired, that the child
already feels bad about the situation and maybe just wants some space to
chill out, cool off, sleep it off, veg out, or whatever vernacular is used
these days.
Although we asked to be kept informed of where our children were when they
were in their teens, we also said that if EVER they were in a situation
where they felt uncomfortable they should call for a ride home even if it
meant we were coming to pick them up at a different place than they were
supposed to be or even a place we had suggested they NOT be.
As my night vision got worse I also made it clear that I would gladly
reimburse them for cab fare. Their safety and comfort is worth way more
than $20!
Actually, intoxication was not always my biggest concern. One of my sons
did most of the driving in his group because even HE did not want to be in
some of his friends' cars or any car driven by some of them! So "catching
a ride" with someone else was not always a viable option.
My kids (and their friends) considered that we were indeed rescuers and not
"punishers" the few times over the years that we actually needed to go
out. And we usually heard the full story with all the gory or sordid
details later. Along with discussions of "I can't believe I got into
that situation!" and "I think I can avoid the problem next time by doing
....."
Short version: "No questions" can mean "no questions for the next 24
hours" :-)
Vicki
-----Original Message-----
From: [email protected]
[mailto:[email protected]] On Behalf Of wifetovegman2002
Sent: Monday, December 12, 2005 9:35 AM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [UnschoolingDiscussion] Teens driving with other teens
Should I give her the standard line, "If you find yourself in a
situation where you or your companions are intoxicated, call home and
we will come get you, no questions asked"? It always sounded so
phoney to me, because I couldn't imagine a parent not talking to their
child about the situation afterwards (even if it is a week afterwards).
Thanks for any insights any of you can share,
~Susan M. in VA
wifetovegman
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
sometimes their friends!?!) that we did not need all the explanations right
that minute.....neither during the phone call NOR during the ride home.
We talked of possible situations that could arise and that there were
probably many that I didn't think of (although in our household I am known
as the person who can imagine really, really farfetched scenarios :-) ).
We also spoke of (and were able to actually carry through on) the common
possibility that when a child managed to get drunk when they were driving
themselves OR when a designated driver became impaired, that the child
already feels bad about the situation and maybe just wants some space to
chill out, cool off, sleep it off, veg out, or whatever vernacular is used
these days.
Although we asked to be kept informed of where our children were when they
were in their teens, we also said that if EVER they were in a situation
where they felt uncomfortable they should call for a ride home even if it
meant we were coming to pick them up at a different place than they were
supposed to be or even a place we had suggested they NOT be.
As my night vision got worse I also made it clear that I would gladly
reimburse them for cab fare. Their safety and comfort is worth way more
than $20!
Actually, intoxication was not always my biggest concern. One of my sons
did most of the driving in his group because even HE did not want to be in
some of his friends' cars or any car driven by some of them! So "catching
a ride" with someone else was not always a viable option.
My kids (and their friends) considered that we were indeed rescuers and not
"punishers" the few times over the years that we actually needed to go
out. And we usually heard the full story with all the gory or sordid
details later. Along with discussions of "I can't believe I got into
that situation!" and "I think I can avoid the problem next time by doing
....."
Short version: "No questions" can mean "no questions for the next 24
hours" :-)
Vicki
-----Original Message-----
From: [email protected]
[mailto:[email protected]] On Behalf Of wifetovegman2002
Sent: Monday, December 12, 2005 9:35 AM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [UnschoolingDiscussion] Teens driving with other teens
Should I give her the standard line, "If you find yourself in a
situation where you or your companions are intoxicated, call home and
we will come get you, no questions asked"? It always sounded so
phoney to me, because I couldn't imagine a parent not talking to their
child about the situation afterwards (even if it is a week afterwards).
Thanks for any insights any of you can share,
~Susan M. in VA
wifetovegman
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Pamela Sorooshian
On Dec 12, 2005, at 7:56 AM, Betsy Hill wrote:
doesn't drive yet). She goes to lots of parties - almost every
weekend there is one - with the community college theater crowd. They
go AFTER shows or late-night rehearsals - so the parties don't even
get going until after 11 pm - she often calls me around 2 am. I go
get her and sometimes she asks me to give someone else a ride home,
too. We never talk about whether or not anybody was intoxicated - I
KNOW they are drinking there, so what's to talk about? My daughter
doesn't drink - and she usually comes home early from parties where
everybody is drinking a lot and stays longer at parties where there
is a group of non-drinkers or those who are drinking very little -
just because it isn't that much fun to be with people who are
drinking, when you're not.
Teens riding in cars with other teens driving is a huge concern here
- so much traffic (Southern California) - what we've talked about is
"experience" and "good sense." I have to trust my kids to make the
call - I can't judge. But the main thing I ask is that they try not
to ride with inexperienced drivers, kids who seem easily distracted,
or those who don't seem to have good sense, in general.
Again - I'm always VERY willing and eager to drive kids around. My
willingness to spend my time driving here and there and picking up
their friends, etc., means that they ride with other teens less
often, but still......I admit it makes me very nervous, too.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> ** Should I give her the standard line, "If you find yourself in aMy 18 yo calls me all the time to pick her up from parties (she
> situation where you or your companions are intoxicated, call home and
> we will come get you, no questions asked"? It always sounded so
> phoney to me, because I couldn't imagine a parent not talking to their
> child about the situation afterwards (even if it is a week
> afterwards).**
doesn't drive yet). She goes to lots of parties - almost every
weekend there is one - with the community college theater crowd. They
go AFTER shows or late-night rehearsals - so the parties don't even
get going until after 11 pm - she often calls me around 2 am. I go
get her and sometimes she asks me to give someone else a ride home,
too. We never talk about whether or not anybody was intoxicated - I
KNOW they are drinking there, so what's to talk about? My daughter
doesn't drink - and she usually comes home early from parties where
everybody is drinking a lot and stays longer at parties where there
is a group of non-drinkers or those who are drinking very little -
just because it isn't that much fun to be with people who are
drinking, when you're not.
Teens riding in cars with other teens driving is a huge concern here
- so much traffic (Southern California) - what we've talked about is
"experience" and "good sense." I have to trust my kids to make the
call - I can't judge. But the main thing I ask is that they try not
to ride with inexperienced drivers, kids who seem easily distracted,
or those who don't seem to have good sense, in general.
Again - I'm always VERY willing and eager to drive kids around. My
willingness to spend my time driving here and there and picking up
their friends, etc., means that they ride with other teens less
often, but still......I admit it makes me very nervous, too.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]