Sibling Issues
Heather Woodward
I have been having some major sibling related issues that I am hoping those of you could give me some insight on. Basically, there is intense competition with my 6 & 7 year old - did and ds. A an example - yesterday we were making a volcano - and they both fought and argued over who would do what, go first etc. They do a lot of name calling to each other - and purposely doing or saying things that will aggravate the other. My usual course of action has been to separate them when they get like this - and have them do something away from each other - we talk about this afterward and often they will then treat each other nicely for a little while.
However, inevitably something comes up again. We had just been playing clue Jr. My daughter will bring out a game and then say - I only want YOU to play with me. This is hard, because I want to respect that about her - but then my son is crying that he wants to play. If I play with her and then play with my son - she has a fit that she then wants to play....
I have thought that maybe this is caused by a need for attention thing - and do try and take them out one on one - so that each gets a little individual time.
But what bothers me a lot is the name calling and just over all meanness to one another. The problem gets worse because it irritates me so much that I wind up getting angry and irritated about it all - that I just don't want to do whatever it was because of the fighting.
Sometimes my daughter will want to play with one of my sons toys - and she will ask :"nicely" and he will say "No" - for whatever reason. She will then pitch. On the one hand I feel that he should be allowed to say "No" if someone asks to play with something and he doesn't want them to. But sometimes he will say No - just to bug her - or she will go at his toys just to bother him.
Anyway - I was hoping for some suggestions here. When everyone is calm and we talk about name calling and being nice vs. being mean they all seem to understand.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
However, inevitably something comes up again. We had just been playing clue Jr. My daughter will bring out a game and then say - I only want YOU to play with me. This is hard, because I want to respect that about her - but then my son is crying that he wants to play. If I play with her and then play with my son - she has a fit that she then wants to play....
I have thought that maybe this is caused by a need for attention thing - and do try and take them out one on one - so that each gets a little individual time.
But what bothers me a lot is the name calling and just over all meanness to one another. The problem gets worse because it irritates me so much that I wind up getting angry and irritated about it all - that I just don't want to do whatever it was because of the fighting.
Sometimes my daughter will want to play with one of my sons toys - and she will ask :"nicely" and he will say "No" - for whatever reason. She will then pitch. On the one hand I feel that he should be allowed to say "No" if someone asks to play with something and he doesn't want them to. But sometimes he will say No - just to bug her - or she will go at his toys just to bother him.
Anyway - I was hoping for some suggestions here. When everyone is calm and we talk about name calling and being nice vs. being mean they all seem to understand.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Brandie
--- Heather Woodward <bacwoodz@...> wrote:
the children always unschooled or did they attend
traditional schooling? Did you do school at home?
Have they attend daycare or preschool? Or always been
at home with you?
Brandie
http://tableforfive.blogspot.com
http://homemadeliving.blogspot.com
__________________________________
Yahoo! Mail - PC Magazine Editors' Choice 2005
http://mail.yahoo.com
> I have been having some major sibling related issuesI have some questions -- are you unschooling? Have
> that I am hoping those of you could give me some
> insight on. Basically, there is intense competition
> with my 6 & 7 year old - did and ds.
the children always unschooled or did they attend
traditional schooling? Did you do school at home?
Have they attend daycare or preschool? Or always been
at home with you?
Brandie
http://tableforfive.blogspot.com
http://homemadeliving.blogspot.com
__________________________________
Yahoo! Mail - PC Magazine Editors' Choice 2005
http://mail.yahoo.com
Angela
<<I have been having some major sibling related issues that I am hoping
those of you could give me some insight on. Basically, there is intense
competition with my 6 & 7 year old - did and ds. A an example - yesterday we
were making a volcano - and they both fought and argued over who would do
what, go first etc. >>
From the time my kids were really small, we always had them take turns when
it was something important to them. And we kept track of whose turn it was
to go first with something fun. It solved a lot of potential problems
because they knew we were trying to be fair.
<<They do a lot of name calling to each other - and purposely doing or
saying things that will aggravate the other.>>
Is name calling something that you model in your family? My kids don't
generally call each other unkind names and the first time they might have
done it, I am sure I was all over them like flies on dung. Name calling is
unkind and it doesn't solve anything. I would say something similar and
then get to the root of the problem. Help them to express their frustration
with each other (perhaps out of earshot of each other if it is too unkind)
and then help them to phrase it in a way that is productive and kind.
<<My usual course of action has been to separate them when they get like
this - and have them do something away from each other - we talk about this
afterward and often they will then treat each other nicely for a little
while. >>
I think that is a short term solution, not a long term one. Helping them to
verbalize how they feel to each other esp. before they are completely
frustrated would be better. Perhaps you need to be nearer to them during
their play so you can help them communicate.
<<However, inevitably something comes up again. We had just been playing
clue Jr. My daughter will bring out a game and then say - I only want YOU to
play with me. This is hard, because I want to respect that about her - but
then my son is crying that he wants to play. If I play with her and then
play with my son - she has a fit that she then wants to play....>>
This is hard and we have this issue now and then but it usually only happens
when they are frustrated with each other to begin with. I don't have any
hard fast rule concerning this and I play it by ear. Sometimes I refuse to
play at all unless everyone is included and I try to help them find more
solitary things to do until they are less frustrated with each other. Other
times they are happy to know that when I am done playing with one of them, I
will happily oblige the other one with the activity of their choice, alone
with me.
<<I have thought that maybe this is caused by a need for attention thing -
and do try and take them out one on one - so that each gets a little
individual time.>>
I would say it is caused by a need for attention. But time spent
individually with them doesn't need to be time away from home. You can
spend individual time with each of them throughout the day in different
ways. My older dd gets up first and often enjoys sitting down to play a
game more than her younger sister. We have these times together to connect.
My younger dd loves to snuggle in bed and in the morning when I wake her
(because she wants to be woken at a certain time) we are able to spend a few
minutes connecting and cuddling in bed before she starts her day. There are
also other times during the day when I can see their need for connection and
I can meet those needs without alienating the other child. But often,
sitting down together meets the need too. Time spent on the couch with each
child on one side of me while I read to them helps a lot too.
<<But what bothers me a lot is the name calling and just over all meanness
to one another. The problem gets worse because it irritates me so much that
I wind up getting angry and irritated about it all - that I just don't want
to do whatever it was because of the fighting.>>
I would just be matter of fact about it. Would you let a stranger come into
your home and call your kids' names or would you protect them? It is no
different when it is their siblings. They each deserve to be protected from
unkindness and I would not stand by and allow that to happen. But like I
said before, it is always about communication and if you help them
communicate, it won't get to name calling.
<<Sometimes my daughter will want to play with one of my sons toys - and she
will ask :"nicely" and he will say "No" - for whatever reason. She will then
pitch. On the one hand I feel that he should be allowed to say "No" if
someone asks to play with something and he doesn't want them to. But
sometimes he will say No - just to bug her - or she will go at his toys
just to bother him.>>
If he is saying no, just to bug her, I suspect he isn't feeling like she has
been very generous lately. Maybe you could address that.
Angela
those of you could give me some insight on. Basically, there is intense
competition with my 6 & 7 year old - did and ds. A an example - yesterday we
were making a volcano - and they both fought and argued over who would do
what, go first etc. >>
From the time my kids were really small, we always had them take turns when
it was something important to them. And we kept track of whose turn it was
to go first with something fun. It solved a lot of potential problems
because they knew we were trying to be fair.
<<They do a lot of name calling to each other - and purposely doing or
saying things that will aggravate the other.>>
Is name calling something that you model in your family? My kids don't
generally call each other unkind names and the first time they might have
done it, I am sure I was all over them like flies on dung. Name calling is
unkind and it doesn't solve anything. I would say something similar and
then get to the root of the problem. Help them to express their frustration
with each other (perhaps out of earshot of each other if it is too unkind)
and then help them to phrase it in a way that is productive and kind.
<<My usual course of action has been to separate them when they get like
this - and have them do something away from each other - we talk about this
afterward and often they will then treat each other nicely for a little
while. >>
I think that is a short term solution, not a long term one. Helping them to
verbalize how they feel to each other esp. before they are completely
frustrated would be better. Perhaps you need to be nearer to them during
their play so you can help them communicate.
<<However, inevitably something comes up again. We had just been playing
clue Jr. My daughter will bring out a game and then say - I only want YOU to
play with me. This is hard, because I want to respect that about her - but
then my son is crying that he wants to play. If I play with her and then
play with my son - she has a fit that she then wants to play....>>
This is hard and we have this issue now and then but it usually only happens
when they are frustrated with each other to begin with. I don't have any
hard fast rule concerning this and I play it by ear. Sometimes I refuse to
play at all unless everyone is included and I try to help them find more
solitary things to do until they are less frustrated with each other. Other
times they are happy to know that when I am done playing with one of them, I
will happily oblige the other one with the activity of their choice, alone
with me.
<<I have thought that maybe this is caused by a need for attention thing -
and do try and take them out one on one - so that each gets a little
individual time.>>
I would say it is caused by a need for attention. But time spent
individually with them doesn't need to be time away from home. You can
spend individual time with each of them throughout the day in different
ways. My older dd gets up first and often enjoys sitting down to play a
game more than her younger sister. We have these times together to connect.
My younger dd loves to snuggle in bed and in the morning when I wake her
(because she wants to be woken at a certain time) we are able to spend a few
minutes connecting and cuddling in bed before she starts her day. There are
also other times during the day when I can see their need for connection and
I can meet those needs without alienating the other child. But often,
sitting down together meets the need too. Time spent on the couch with each
child on one side of me while I read to them helps a lot too.
<<But what bothers me a lot is the name calling and just over all meanness
to one another. The problem gets worse because it irritates me so much that
I wind up getting angry and irritated about it all - that I just don't want
to do whatever it was because of the fighting.>>
I would just be matter of fact about it. Would you let a stranger come into
your home and call your kids' names or would you protect them? It is no
different when it is their siblings. They each deserve to be protected from
unkindness and I would not stand by and allow that to happen. But like I
said before, it is always about communication and if you help them
communicate, it won't get to name calling.
<<Sometimes my daughter will want to play with one of my sons toys - and she
will ask :"nicely" and he will say "No" - for whatever reason. She will then
pitch. On the one hand I feel that he should be allowed to say "No" if
someone asks to play with something and he doesn't want them to. But
sometimes he will say No - just to bug her - or she will go at his toys
just to bother him.>>
If he is saying no, just to bug her, I suspect he isn't feeling like she has
been very generous lately. Maybe you could address that.
Angela