parents modelling behavior, dads getting it
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In a message dated 8/22/05 8:43:54 AM, kbcdlovejo@... writes:
That did work at my house, because Keith was already aware very early that he
didn't remember very much of his everyday childhood. Kids at school were
mean to him, his mom was mean, his dad liked his older brothers better (wasn't
mean, just ignored him a lot apparently). So when I would ask "What did you
get for Christmas when you were four (or five or whatever) he would very
honestly say "I don't remember."
So if I said "Don't you remember!?" he would say no, and I would say WELL I
DO, so trust me, he does have feelings and he DOES have awareness, and what we
do now will be part of who he is for life.
(Didn't say all that in one sitting.)
-=-"He's five, he should know better!" *I* would counter with, "Well,
*you* are 38! At what age do you think you should have figured this
out?-=-
Ooooh. That sounds effective but scary.
I guess our version of that has been to remind the other parent that the
child is genetically likely to be that way for life. Marty's failings are like
Keith's, and Keith hasn't gotten over them. Kirby's like me. Holly's still
less easy to guess and read, but that's fine. She's #3 and we're already
relaxed with her.
I was thinking just this morning as I gathered trash from around the house in
a clear plastic bag the city provides free that... (long intro to my point,
sorry) ...when Kirby was little we couldn't use the free city bags. We still
got them and stockpiled them and used them for other things, but we had to buy
black plastic trashbags because Kirby didn't want us to throw away ANYthing
that looked fun or potentially useful. And I (being me) was TRULY not
throwing stuff away lightly. I still have broken toys from when they were little.
So if Kirby's packrattish, we can't expect him to outgrow it, because I
haven't.
-=-Ben's got it now. He sometimes has to nudge *me* in the right
direction! <g>-=-
Keith too, to me. He's a good coach now. He used to not know whose side
to take sometimes because he thought Kirby was wrong AND I was wrong, but now
he's likely to take Kirby's side and tell me I'm forgetting what it was like
and that I don't want to say things I'll regret and such. What also helps
(and might be with Ben a little too) is that now the kids ARE in the age ranges
Keith remembers.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> I got this a lot sooner than my husband, Ben. When Cameron was a baby,================
> I would ask Ben whether he remembered being three or eight or eleven.
> Could he remember what it was like? Could he IMAGINE what it was like
> if he couldn't remember? I'd say, "He's only four." (or nine or 13 or
> whatever)
>
> That never seemed to work! <g>
>
>
That did work at my house, because Keith was already aware very early that he
didn't remember very much of his everyday childhood. Kids at school were
mean to him, his mom was mean, his dad liked his older brothers better (wasn't
mean, just ignored him a lot apparently). So when I would ask "What did you
get for Christmas when you were four (or five or whatever) he would very
honestly say "I don't remember."
So if I said "Don't you remember!?" he would say no, and I would say WELL I
DO, so trust me, he does have feelings and he DOES have awareness, and what we
do now will be part of who he is for life.
(Didn't say all that in one sitting.)
-=-"He's five, he should know better!" *I* would counter with, "Well,
*you* are 38! At what age do you think you should have figured this
out?-=-
Ooooh. That sounds effective but scary.
I guess our version of that has been to remind the other parent that the
child is genetically likely to be that way for life. Marty's failings are like
Keith's, and Keith hasn't gotten over them. Kirby's like me. Holly's still
less easy to guess and read, but that's fine. She's #3 and we're already
relaxed with her.
I was thinking just this morning as I gathered trash from around the house in
a clear plastic bag the city provides free that... (long intro to my point,
sorry) ...when Kirby was little we couldn't use the free city bags. We still
got them and stockpiled them and used them for other things, but we had to buy
black plastic trashbags because Kirby didn't want us to throw away ANYthing
that looked fun or potentially useful. And I (being me) was TRULY not
throwing stuff away lightly. I still have broken toys from when they were little.
So if Kirby's packrattish, we can't expect him to outgrow it, because I
haven't.
-=-Ben's got it now. He sometimes has to nudge *me* in the right
direction! <g>-=-
Keith too, to me. He's a good coach now. He used to not know whose side
to take sometimes because he thought Kirby was wrong AND I was wrong, but now
he's likely to take Kirby's side and tell me I'm forgetting what it was like
and that I don't want to say things I'll regret and such. What also helps
(and might be with Ben a little too) is that now the kids ARE in the age ranges
Keith remembers.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
-----Original Message-----
From: SandraDodd@...
That did work at my house, because Keith was already aware very early
that he
didn't remember very much of his everyday childhood. Kids at school
were
mean to him, his mom was mean, his dad liked his older brothers better
(wasn't
mean, just ignored him a lot apparently). So when I would ask "What
did you
get for Christmas when you were four (or five or whatever) he would
very
honestly say "I don't remember."
-=-=--
Yeah, Ben honestly couldn't remember anything before he was 15/16. I
remembered down to three-ish.
-=-=-=-
So if I said "Don't you remember!?" he would say no, and I would say
WELL I
DO, so trust me, he does have feelings and he DOES have awareness, and
what we
do now will be part of who he is for life.
(Didn't say all that in one sitting.)
-=-=-=-
<G> I think remembering how you felt as a little one is soooo
important. And when we say that we're trying to be the parents we wish
we had had, the connection is there---if you can remember. That part
was hard for Ben.
-=-=-=-
-=-"He's five, he should know better!" *I* would counter with, "Well,
*you* are 38! At what age do you think you should have figured this
out?-=-
Ooooh. That sounds effective but scary.
-=-=-
<G> Yeah--maybe! But it was effective. I felt like a heal when I said
it the first time. I also told him to ask his mother whether she only
had to tell him *once*---<G> That did wonders! <bwg>
-=-=-=-
Keith too, to me. He's a good coach now. He used to not know
whose side
to take sometimes because he thought Kirby was wrong AND I was wrong,
but now
he's likely to take Kirby's side and tell me I'm forgetting what it was
like
and that I don't want to say things I'll regret and such. What also
helps
(and might be with Ben a little too) is that now the kids ARE in the
age ranges
Keith remembers.
-=-=-=-
Sometimes Ben just assumed that the child was in the wrong---just
because. (I'm guessing that's what was modelled for him.) It was hard
for him to understand that a child's capabilities aren't necessarily
that of an adult's.
It's been wonderful to realize that things aren't that black & white.
And yes, Ben IS capable of remembering what his 17th year was like. He
still struggles with nine! <g> But we have Cameron's history, which is
fresher in his mind. He has the teenage thing down pretty well! He'll
do fine too when Cam's in his early twenties and wanting to be on his
own---Cameron probably won't be in as big a hurry to get out as Ben was
though! <g>
~Kelly
From: SandraDodd@...
That did work at my house, because Keith was already aware very early
that he
didn't remember very much of his everyday childhood. Kids at school
were
mean to him, his mom was mean, his dad liked his older brothers better
(wasn't
mean, just ignored him a lot apparently). So when I would ask "What
did you
get for Christmas when you were four (or five or whatever) he would
very
honestly say "I don't remember."
-=-=--
Yeah, Ben honestly couldn't remember anything before he was 15/16. I
remembered down to three-ish.
-=-=-=-
So if I said "Don't you remember!?" he would say no, and I would say
WELL I
DO, so trust me, he does have feelings and he DOES have awareness, and
what we
do now will be part of who he is for life.
(Didn't say all that in one sitting.)
-=-=-=-
<G> I think remembering how you felt as a little one is soooo
important. And when we say that we're trying to be the parents we wish
we had had, the connection is there---if you can remember. That part
was hard for Ben.
-=-=-=-
-=-"He's five, he should know better!" *I* would counter with, "Well,
*you* are 38! At what age do you think you should have figured this
out?-=-
Ooooh. That sounds effective but scary.
-=-=-
<G> Yeah--maybe! But it was effective. I felt like a heal when I said
it the first time. I also told him to ask his mother whether she only
had to tell him *once*---<G> That did wonders! <bwg>
-=-=-=-
Keith too, to me. He's a good coach now. He used to not know
whose side
to take sometimes because he thought Kirby was wrong AND I was wrong,
but now
he's likely to take Kirby's side and tell me I'm forgetting what it was
like
and that I don't want to say things I'll regret and such. What also
helps
(and might be with Ben a little too) is that now the kids ARE in the
age ranges
Keith remembers.
-=-=-=-
Sometimes Ben just assumed that the child was in the wrong---just
because. (I'm guessing that's what was modelled for him.) It was hard
for him to understand that a child's capabilities aren't necessarily
that of an adult's.
It's been wonderful to realize that things aren't that black & white.
And yes, Ben IS capable of remembering what his 17th year was like. He
still struggles with nine! <g> But we have Cameron's history, which is
fresher in his mind. He has the teenage thing down pretty well! He'll
do fine too when Cam's in his early twenties and wanting to be on his
own---Cameron probably won't be in as big a hurry to get out as Ben was
though! <g>
~Kelly