More of why you shouldn't hit mommy
Krisula Moyer
OK OK I'm not the person who posted this question but I'd love to hear more
responses. Angela's scratches the surface but, my goodness: If asking
nicely and appealing to her empathy got me anywhere with my dd I'd be
thrilled. Most of the time if she's in a mood to irritate others a
conversation won't get her back to peace or convince her to stop. She is
feeling irritated and wishes everyone (not just me) to share her mood. And
while we're at it. What would you do with the child who asks to be held
then flops down on the floor with a loud "you hurt me!" or lets all muscles
go slack and "falls" off my lap saying "you threw me on the floor!" She
does this when she's tired even when she has all my attention. This stuff
isn't constant but often enough that I would like to address it so they can
find peace and happiness instead of the misery they seem to want to wallow
in from time to time.
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Date: Thu, 28 Jul 2005 07:44:16 -0400
From: "Angela S." <game-enthusiast@...>
Subject: RE: Re: why you shouldn't hit mommy
his brother, esp. if he is just doing it to be irritating. If he did not
want to stop, I would ask him how he would like it if someone were doing the
same thing to him. I always try to get my kids to think of how the other
kid would feel in the same circumstances. It's been rare when my kids have
done something just to irritate the other. It's only happened when the
irritating kid feels like she hasn't been listened to and heard. If I
listen to her and validate her feelings then she doesn't feel the need to be
mean.
Angela
game-enthusiast@...
responses. Angela's scratches the surface but, my goodness: If asking
nicely and appealing to her empathy got me anywhere with my dd I'd be
thrilled. Most of the time if she's in a mood to irritate others a
conversation won't get her back to peace or convince her to stop. She is
feeling irritated and wishes everyone (not just me) to share her mood. And
while we're at it. What would you do with the child who asks to be held
then flops down on the floor with a loud "you hurt me!" or lets all muscles
go slack and "falls" off my lap saying "you threw me on the floor!" She
does this when she's tired even when she has all my attention. This stuff
isn't constant but often enough that I would like to address it so they can
find peace and happiness instead of the misery they seem to want to wallow
in from time to time.
;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
Date: Thu, 28 Jul 2005 07:44:16 -0400
From: "Angela S." <game-enthusiast@...>
Subject: RE: Re: why you shouldn't hit mommy
> -=- Do you tell the child inI would ask the child in the cart to please not do whatever is irritating
> the cart to stop so that he doesn't frustrate his brother, and if you
> tell him to stop and he doesn't, then what? -=-
his brother, esp. if he is just doing it to be irritating. If he did not
want to stop, I would ask him how he would like it if someone were doing the
same thing to him. I always try to get my kids to think of how the other
kid would feel in the same circumstances. It's been rare when my kids have
done something just to irritate the other. It's only happened when the
irritating kid feels like she hasn't been listened to and heard. If I
listen to her and validate her feelings then she doesn't feel the need to be
mean.
Angela
game-enthusiast@...
[email protected]
In a message dated 7/29/05 8:43:17 AM, krisula@... writes:
cranky," or "Come on, I'll hold you on the bed so if I drop you you'll fall on your
pillow.
-=- This stuff
isn't constant but often enough that I would like to address it so they can
find peace and happiness instead of the misery they seem to want to wallow
in from time to time.-=-
Do you ask if feeling bad is more comfortable than feeling good?
When Holly is whimpery and whiney, I help her brainstorm about what would
feel better.
Last night she said she was hungry. After a particularly long list of ideas
and suggestions and offers, she decided what she really wanted was a cold
bottle of water out of the fridge. Sometimes it's something simpler than you
had imagined.
Maybe a kid who wants to be held but wants to fall would like a bubble bath.
It's bodily stimulation AND a nice flop.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> What would you do with the child who asks to be heldI would say "Go to sleep and I'll hold you tomorrow when you're not so
> then flops down on the floor with a loud "you hurt me!" or lets all muscles
> go slack and "falls" off my lap saying "you threw me on the floor!"
>
cranky," or "Come on, I'll hold you on the bed so if I drop you you'll fall on your
pillow.
-=- This stuff
isn't constant but often enough that I would like to address it so they can
find peace and happiness instead of the misery they seem to want to wallow
in from time to time.-=-
Do you ask if feeling bad is more comfortable than feeling good?
When Holly is whimpery and whiney, I help her brainstorm about what would
feel better.
Last night she said she was hungry. After a particularly long list of ideas
and suggestions and offers, she decided what she really wanted was a cold
bottle of water out of the fridge. Sometimes it's something simpler than you
had imagined.
Maybe a kid who wants to be held but wants to fall would like a bubble bath.
It's bodily stimulation AND a nice flop.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Julie Bogart
--- In [email protected], SandraDodd@a... wrote:
punishment.
Julie
>Being told to go to sleep when frustrated and cranky sounds like
>
> I would say "Go to sleep and I'll hold you tomorrow when you're not so
> cranky,"
punishment.
Julie
[email protected]
In a message dated 7/29/05 9:51:29 AM, julie@... writes:
If the child is frustrated and cranky, probably she's sleepy.
If she's being abusive to others who are trying to be nice to her, maybe her
being asleep will be best for the future of relationships.
If my neighbor comes over and is being horrible and I say "go home" is that a
punishment? He's got a home, and he needs not to be in my home.
If a child is being entirely oppositional because she is unable (probably
from being tired) to be courteous anymore, then she needs to clock out until she
can be nicer. If the mom tried holding her and she complained, then she
doesn't want the mom, she wants something she doesn't identify.
Sleep is healing and soothing and sometimes there are better things to do
than sleep, but if the child can't think of one and is disturbing the peace of
the family, then sleep might be the best possible thing.
When one of my kids is having the combination headache and short-tempered
meltdown that inspires me to say, "When's the last time you ate?" and then I find
the only thing he's had for twelve hours is a bowl of ramen or some cheerios,
if I say "Eat some protein," does that sound like a punishment?
In either case, I would probably offer to make the protein meal, or turn down
the bed and fluff the pillow and turn on favorite music.
Eating and sleeping happen daily or more, and it's not a punishment to
suggest that someone is overdue.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> Being told to go to sleep when frustrated and cranky sounds likeReally?
> punishment.
>
If the child is frustrated and cranky, probably she's sleepy.
If she's being abusive to others who are trying to be nice to her, maybe her
being asleep will be best for the future of relationships.
If my neighbor comes over and is being horrible and I say "go home" is that a
punishment? He's got a home, and he needs not to be in my home.
If a child is being entirely oppositional because she is unable (probably
from being tired) to be courteous anymore, then she needs to clock out until she
can be nicer. If the mom tried holding her and she complained, then she
doesn't want the mom, she wants something she doesn't identify.
Sleep is healing and soothing and sometimes there are better things to do
than sleep, but if the child can't think of one and is disturbing the peace of
the family, then sleep might be the best possible thing.
When one of my kids is having the combination headache and short-tempered
meltdown that inspires me to say, "When's the last time you ate?" and then I find
the only thing he's had for twelve hours is a bowl of ramen or some cheerios,
if I say "Eat some protein," does that sound like a punishment?
In either case, I would probably offer to make the protein meal, or turn down
the bed and fluff the pillow and turn on favorite music.
Eating and sleeping happen daily or more, and it's not a punishment to
suggest that someone is overdue.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Betsy Hill
** Maybe a kid who wants to be held but wants to fall would like a
bubble bath. It's bodily stimulation AND a nice flop.**
Bodily stimulation could be a key idea here.
Someone in the past has posted really insightful stuff about kids whose
body stimulation needs are so intense that they literally bounce into
walls. (Please feel free to repost.) Physical outlets are very
important, and sometimes a child's need for excercise or touch can be so
extreme that it's hard for a mom to understand. I was just reading the
beginning of The Five Love Languages of Children and it talks about
wrestling as a form of touching that is pleasurable to many kids. (Not
a kind of touch that I personally enjoy.)
When kids are cranky a lot one thing to consider is some kind of food
allergy or sensitivity. Or, as Sandra points out, the need to consume
protein more frequently. (Donuts and pancake syrup both make me feel
terrible, so this makes visceral sense to me.)
Betsy
bubble bath. It's bodily stimulation AND a nice flop.**
Bodily stimulation could be a key idea here.
Someone in the past has posted really insightful stuff about kids whose
body stimulation needs are so intense that they literally bounce into
walls. (Please feel free to repost.) Physical outlets are very
important, and sometimes a child's need for excercise or touch can be so
extreme that it's hard for a mom to understand. I was just reading the
beginning of The Five Love Languages of Children and it talks about
wrestling as a form of touching that is pleasurable to many kids. (Not
a kind of touch that I personally enjoy.)
When kids are cranky a lot one thing to consider is some kind of food
allergy or sensitivity. Or, as Sandra points out, the need to consume
protein more frequently. (Donuts and pancake syrup both make me feel
terrible, so this makes visceral sense to me.)
Betsy
Betsy Hill
**This stuff
isn't constant but often enough that I would like to address it so
they can
find peace and happiness instead of the misery they seem to want to wallow
in from time to time.**
Maybe some kind of non-verbal outlet for being miserable (for the
littlest one), if a verbal outlet isn't satisfactory? Hitting
pillows? Howling? Jumping around like a gorilla or like a monster in
Where the Wild Things Are?
It's natural for moms to want kids to be happy, but some moms really
go overboard in trying to smother unhappiness with distraction or
cookies. When that is the case, then validating the feeling and
getting it out may be helpful.
I really don't know where the unhappiness is coming from, and I
understand that it must be disappointing to see so much of it.
Betsy
isn't constant but often enough that I would like to address it so
they can
find peace and happiness instead of the misery they seem to want to wallow
in from time to time.**
Maybe some kind of non-verbal outlet for being miserable (for the
littlest one), if a verbal outlet isn't satisfactory? Hitting
pillows? Howling? Jumping around like a gorilla or like a monster in
Where the Wild Things Are?
It's natural for moms to want kids to be happy, but some moms really
go overboard in trying to smother unhappiness with distraction or
cookies. When that is the case, then validating the feeling and
getting it out may be helpful.
I really don't know where the unhappiness is coming from, and I
understand that it must be disappointing to see so much of it.
Betsy