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In a message dated 7/26/05 9:22:44 AM, arcarpenter@... writes:
-=-It's funny that the words "peaceful parenting" became an issue in the
previous discussion, because all that forethought and attention to
factors outside of the actual incident between kids, all that *action*
but not *reaction* -- that *is* what I think of as peaceful parenting.
Not just the talk -- heck, my 2 y.o. doesn't talk yet and as I said,
my 8 y.o. sometimes can't verbalize.  But seeing the whole picture,
and seeing the world through my children's eyes, so I can create a
space for them that leads to more peaceful living -- all that, to me,
is peaceful parenting.-=-


This is all of unschooling to me, including the parenting and the learning
situation and the freedom and respect and choices. I consider it my role as
the parent who wants these things to happen and to unfold really well to create
a nest, and environment, in which learning happens easily, children can get
along with each other or get away from each other, choices are varied and
workable, there is safety to come home to any hour of the day, and there are
opportunities for various combinations of people (Holly really likes to be with
Marty lately; Keith sometimes wants to find good reasons to spend time with Kirby,
etc.). There needs to be a variety of good and interesting food. Clothes
and towels need to be clean. If I want kids to keep taking baths because
they want to, soap, shampoo and conditioner need to be readily available.

I know from personal experience LOTS of ways to create an edgy,
insecure-feeling environment. I could drink a lot, only buy toilet paper when it runs
out, not feed the dog but just yell at kids if the dogfood dish was empty, give
away or throw away kids' clothes I didn't like, throw away any odd puzzle or
game pieces I came across, not tell people where I was going or when I'd be
back, play music loudly if it's something I like that others don't like... Oh I
could go on, but having that checklist inside me keeps me alert to who to be.
And so I don't drink a lot, I get toilet paper before we're out, I keep
the dog fed (and others help willingly), I never throw things away without
asking, I try to keep games and puzzles intact, I am considerate about movies and
music and leave a note if I'm going somewhere (or tell people, if they're awake
and home). I learned those things from knowing what it feels like to wish
I had them.

I try to give my children what I wish I had had, or at least I offer it. I
try to do for them what I was glad people did for me when I was growing up.
I watch them for clues, needs, desires, curiosities, interests, and I feather
the next with what they seem to lack.

When there's a disagreement about something, not only does each child learn a
little (or a lot) about how to avoid it in the future, but I also learn what
I could do to help them have more space or opportunity to avoid such
frustrations "next time" (preventing many "next times" as we go).

I chose to live with my husband. I chose to have children. Holly didn't
choose to live with Kirby. Kirby didn't choose to live with Marty. They
don't have to maintain a relationship for the rest of their lives. I think
they will choose to do so, but they don't have the legal or social obligation I
have to Keith and that I have to each of them.

Sandra


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