Part 4: Saga of Schooled Teen Niece (Long)
m59z85
This is the end . . . really! Thank you to all who have read my
messages and for the wonderful comments and empathy for Noelle.
As painful as this whole episode was, I had a feeling that something
bigger was going on. One of my local homeschool buddies made the
comment that school and work can break the bond between parent and
child and that seems to have happened in this case. She also said
that growth sometimes comes through tension and that this situation
was creating a lot of tension in Noelle. And in me!
While Noelle was still watching "Star Wars" with the kids at church,
her mother (my sister-in-law) called. I started our conversation by
repeating what I had told my BIL:
Me: Noelle's really very unhappy here and wants to come home.
SIL: I don't get it. She wanted to go and she made the
reservations and about 2 days before she threw this huge fit and
said we were making her go and that she didn't want to do it.
Me: And you still decided to send her?
SIL: Well, it just seemed so weird and out of nowhere. We thought
it was PMS or low blood sugar. We told her she needed to go because
she had a commitment to you.
Me: I wouldn't have cared. I would rather have known. We just
want her to be happy.
SIL: I wanted her to go and have some experiences. She just sits
at home and does nothing while I'm at work all day. I know those
are my values I'm putting on her.
Me: It may seem like nothing to you but it is something to her.
She IMs her friends and talks to them on the phone and they make
plans together. Plus, maybe she is laying low and gathering her
energy to start at that new school in the fall.
(Note: Noelle is going in to high school. She is not going to the
public high school with all of her friends but to a private college-
prep school where she doesn't know anyone. Her parents are making
her take marching band and band camp which she told me she doesn't
want to do.)
SIL: We thought that might be it--that maybe she is stressed out
about the move to the new school.
Me: Well, she said she wasn't sure what she wants to do about
coming home early so you need to ask her to be sure, but I think she
wants to come home and that would work best for all of us.
SIL: Has she been giving you any lip?
Me: We've had words, but that is between us. I don't want her to
get in trouble for that. She wants to come home but is afraid to
because she says she will be in trouble.
SIL: Well she says what she thinks. What time is she coming home
tonight?
Me: 9 o'clock
SIL: I can't talk to her tonight because I go to bed early for
work. Tell her I will talk to her after work tomorrow night.
Me: OK (although I planned to have Noelle call no matter what time
it was!)(I was also flabbergasted that, knowing her daughter was in
pretty severe emotional distress, SIL wasn't willing to stay up past
her bedtime to do whatever she needed to do to help her daughter.)
Noelle called her parents that night and the short version of the
story is that my husband ended up changing her reservation and
charging the fee on our credit card because her dad was balking at
the fee. Her parents have since sent us a check.
This all happened on a Wedsnesday and Noelle left late Saturday
afternoon. The next 3 days Noelle was pretty peaceful and happy
because she was going home.
My husband and I told Noelle that we weren't sending her home
because we were angry with her but that we wanted her to be happy.
She said she knew and understood but on Friday I overheard her say
to Olivia "your Mom's mad at me." I told her that I wasn't mad at
her but at her parents. That they should have listened to her.
That none of this was her fault. At the airport I hugged her and
just said "have a safe trip"--that's all I could think of at the
time. Noelle said, "Sorry for the inconvenience."
End of Story, really! (I'm going to try to do another post with a
collection of Noelle's comments about homeschooling. I hope I can
remember them all.) Thank you to all who have read this far.
I felt it important to post this as the whole episode made me even
more committed to unschooling. It underscored for me that it is
important for my children to have choice and be respected and have a
voice in our family. I hope to have a close relationship with my
children when they are 14.
messages and for the wonderful comments and empathy for Noelle.
As painful as this whole episode was, I had a feeling that something
bigger was going on. One of my local homeschool buddies made the
comment that school and work can break the bond between parent and
child and that seems to have happened in this case. She also said
that growth sometimes comes through tension and that this situation
was creating a lot of tension in Noelle. And in me!
While Noelle was still watching "Star Wars" with the kids at church,
her mother (my sister-in-law) called. I started our conversation by
repeating what I had told my BIL:
Me: Noelle's really very unhappy here and wants to come home.
SIL: I don't get it. She wanted to go and she made the
reservations and about 2 days before she threw this huge fit and
said we were making her go and that she didn't want to do it.
Me: And you still decided to send her?
SIL: Well, it just seemed so weird and out of nowhere. We thought
it was PMS or low blood sugar. We told her she needed to go because
she had a commitment to you.
Me: I wouldn't have cared. I would rather have known. We just
want her to be happy.
SIL: I wanted her to go and have some experiences. She just sits
at home and does nothing while I'm at work all day. I know those
are my values I'm putting on her.
Me: It may seem like nothing to you but it is something to her.
She IMs her friends and talks to them on the phone and they make
plans together. Plus, maybe she is laying low and gathering her
energy to start at that new school in the fall.
(Note: Noelle is going in to high school. She is not going to the
public high school with all of her friends but to a private college-
prep school where she doesn't know anyone. Her parents are making
her take marching band and band camp which she told me she doesn't
want to do.)
SIL: We thought that might be it--that maybe she is stressed out
about the move to the new school.
Me: Well, she said she wasn't sure what she wants to do about
coming home early so you need to ask her to be sure, but I think she
wants to come home and that would work best for all of us.
SIL: Has she been giving you any lip?
Me: We've had words, but that is between us. I don't want her to
get in trouble for that. She wants to come home but is afraid to
because she says she will be in trouble.
SIL: Well she says what she thinks. What time is she coming home
tonight?
Me: 9 o'clock
SIL: I can't talk to her tonight because I go to bed early for
work. Tell her I will talk to her after work tomorrow night.
Me: OK (although I planned to have Noelle call no matter what time
it was!)(I was also flabbergasted that, knowing her daughter was in
pretty severe emotional distress, SIL wasn't willing to stay up past
her bedtime to do whatever she needed to do to help her daughter.)
Noelle called her parents that night and the short version of the
story is that my husband ended up changing her reservation and
charging the fee on our credit card because her dad was balking at
the fee. Her parents have since sent us a check.
This all happened on a Wedsnesday and Noelle left late Saturday
afternoon. The next 3 days Noelle was pretty peaceful and happy
because she was going home.
My husband and I told Noelle that we weren't sending her home
because we were angry with her but that we wanted her to be happy.
She said she knew and understood but on Friday I overheard her say
to Olivia "your Mom's mad at me." I told her that I wasn't mad at
her but at her parents. That they should have listened to her.
That none of this was her fault. At the airport I hugged her and
just said "have a safe trip"--that's all I could think of at the
time. Noelle said, "Sorry for the inconvenience."
End of Story, really! (I'm going to try to do another post with a
collection of Noelle's comments about homeschooling. I hope I can
remember them all.) Thank you to all who have read this far.
I felt it important to post this as the whole episode made me even
more committed to unschooling. It underscored for me that it is
important for my children to have choice and be respected and have a
voice in our family. I hope to have a close relationship with my
children when they are 14.
[email protected]
-----Original Message-----
From: m59z85 <maggioncalda@...>
I felt it important to post this as the whole episode made me even
more committed to unschooling. It underscored for me that it is
important for my children to have choice and be respected and have a
voice in our family. I hope to have a close relationship with my
children when they are 14.
-=-=-=-
When I used to have doubts about unschooling or our parenting, a trip
to my in-laws was all I needed for reassurance! <g>
Now, my children's experiences with their friends are a great
reassurance.
Duncan just told me last week, cuddled up in my arms <g>, that he felt
sorry for his friends. They all had bad lives. Parents that yelled at
them. Spanked them. Shamed them. Just didn't seem to care. Or sent them
to school! He wished they all could liive with us! <g>
Cameron's friends have all asked for info on unschooling for their
children and future children. I guess they think he turned out OK! <g>
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
October 6-9, 2005
http://liveandlearnconference.org
From: m59z85 <maggioncalda@...>
I felt it important to post this as the whole episode made me even
more committed to unschooling. It underscored for me that it is
important for my children to have choice and be respected and have a
voice in our family. I hope to have a close relationship with my
children when they are 14.
-=-=-=-
When I used to have doubts about unschooling or our parenting, a trip
to my in-laws was all I needed for reassurance! <g>
Now, my children's experiences with their friends are a great
reassurance.
Duncan just told me last week, cuddled up in my arms <g>, that he felt
sorry for his friends. They all had bad lives. Parents that yelled at
them. Spanked them. Shamed them. Just didn't seem to care. Or sent them
to school! He wished they all could liive with us! <g>
Cameron's friends have all asked for info on unschooling for their
children and future children. I guess they think he turned out OK! <g>
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
October 6-9, 2005
http://liveandlearnconference.org