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In a message dated 7/15/05 2:29:18 AM, de_perri@... writes:


> after he told me i would say to him "tell zoe's mom how you felt".
> (no "tones" no emotion.
> just say the words.)
> this is important and crucial.
>

EEEK.
I would hate that.
I would hate it if I were the kid, and I would hate it if I were an adult (I
DO hate it) being told by someone else's mom to tell me ANYthing (like
"thanks" or "I'm sorry").

I wouldn't treat an adult that way. I wouldn't begin to say to a grown
friend or my husband, "How did that make you feel? Now tell the grocery store
clerk how that made you feel." And just imagine if someone said "How does it
make you feel when the security guard/policeman asked you to step to the side?
Now tell the officer how you felt."

-=i've never seen the one who's hurting
not WANT to do this-=-

I've seen kids more afraid of the other person than of the mom, but afraid
nonetheless, and not feeling empowered to say, "No, not only do I not want to
repeat what I just said in front of the other person, but I don't like the
babytalk either."

-=-the next thing i would do, if it wasn't already addressed, is ask him
what he needs from
zoe's mom to make him feel better.-=-

I've been in these scenes as the subject and the other kid (when it was done
with/to kids, and I have never had as much respect for the manager of the
scenario afterward. It's not natural human behavior, and it doesn't help the
child figure out what he might do if the parent isn't there to orchestrate the
horribly awkward "solution," which I think is worse than the problem.

-=-it's usually an apology or a hug
and sometimes it's
nothing-=-

I would say nothing if I were pressed to request what would make me feel
better. What would make me feel better in any of those situations would be to
express myself in private and either figure out on my own or with advice how I
might want to respond the next time such an occasion arises, if ever. I
would not feel better having someone puppet-master a fake solution.

The mom who did this the biggest and worst and most sing-songy in my life was
one whose son involved two of my kids in sexual misconduct, both younger than
he was. When she found out about it she made totally lame-ass excuses and
offered to pay for counselling. Yeah, like a one year old girl needs
counselling. With no one there to tell her what would be good to say, she didn't
have a clue, but she was great at telling her son how to act and what to say.
In the absence of parental scripting and prompting, he wasn't making very good
decisions on his own at all.

-=-probably the most important thing is to let him use his voice,
there's nothing more
powerful than that :)-=-

The freedom to choose not to use his voice might be just as important, or the
leeway to decide when and how.

Sandra


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