Re: Being the adult - another angle
soggyboysmom
DH and DS are home all week together while I'm at work (I WOH
fulltime, DH is home fulltime). Both are Spirited personalities so
they can 'lock in' and battle ensues. What we've done is program
DH's cell phone to have my work phone number on speed dial (push 2
and the green Dial button and voila - there's Mommy!). Before things
escalate too far, one or the other will call (DS can handle the
speed dial easily, he's 7). I can talk to DS, check out the
situation from his perspective, talk to DH and check his
perspective, then provide a suggestion or two as 'discussion fodder'
to help them start to work out the situation - often they just need
help 'unlocking' from their positions to come up with creative ideas
to get to a win/win situation. For instance, a month or so ago, DS
called with a "problem" - he wanted to stay home, DH wanted to go
out to pick up lunch somewhere (he just needed to be out of the
house for a bit). DS called me at work. He explained what the
situation was. I asked what it was that he liked about being home,
what he didn't like about going out, those kinds of things to get
his view of the situation. Then I suggested that, since the closest
fast food is maybe a 30 minute round trip total, DH could go and
pick up food and bring it home. DS could stay home with the cell
phone to call me if he needed something (it takes me 10 minutes to
drive home from work - probably less in a major emergency cause I'd
speed!) - or he could even just talk to me while DH was gone if it
made him more comfortable (notes: we live in a rural area but on a
main road, not isolated but not a lot of people around either and we
have 2 large dogs and DS has stayed on his own for short periods
already). He was okay with that and said Thanks Love you Bye and I
talked to DH and explained the situation as DS saw it and what we
had discussed, and DH was okay with it too. I called a couple hours
later to see how things went (DS didn't feel a need to call me).
They were at a local dam/lake area! Once they got 'unstuck', they
decided to go get fast food then go to this area that they really
like - quiet, space to run, waterfall/spillway, ducks and other
waterfowl, nice spot all in all. They ended up spending a few hours
there. DH got to be out of the house, DS got his feelings and needs
heard and got to be at a quiet spot where he could play. Everyone
wins!
Since then, and more each day, they are getting better at doing this
kind of thing on their own. Perhaps, if you can be available by
phone some of the time, you could help them develop the skills to
work things out - talk to your DD and see what it is she is
thinking/feeling/needing, then talk with your DH and see what his
perspective is and propose options (small glass of milk; offer
option milk or cheesecake and let her decide it; make a Dairy chart
that she is in charge of so she can track how much she's had and
where her comfort line is; etc).
fulltime, DH is home fulltime). Both are Spirited personalities so
they can 'lock in' and battle ensues. What we've done is program
DH's cell phone to have my work phone number on speed dial (push 2
and the green Dial button and voila - there's Mommy!). Before things
escalate too far, one or the other will call (DS can handle the
speed dial easily, he's 7). I can talk to DS, check out the
situation from his perspective, talk to DH and check his
perspective, then provide a suggestion or two as 'discussion fodder'
to help them start to work out the situation - often they just need
help 'unlocking' from their positions to come up with creative ideas
to get to a win/win situation. For instance, a month or so ago, DS
called with a "problem" - he wanted to stay home, DH wanted to go
out to pick up lunch somewhere (he just needed to be out of the
house for a bit). DS called me at work. He explained what the
situation was. I asked what it was that he liked about being home,
what he didn't like about going out, those kinds of things to get
his view of the situation. Then I suggested that, since the closest
fast food is maybe a 30 minute round trip total, DH could go and
pick up food and bring it home. DS could stay home with the cell
phone to call me if he needed something (it takes me 10 minutes to
drive home from work - probably less in a major emergency cause I'd
speed!) - or he could even just talk to me while DH was gone if it
made him more comfortable (notes: we live in a rural area but on a
main road, not isolated but not a lot of people around either and we
have 2 large dogs and DS has stayed on his own for short periods
already). He was okay with that and said Thanks Love you Bye and I
talked to DH and explained the situation as DS saw it and what we
had discussed, and DH was okay with it too. I called a couple hours
later to see how things went (DS didn't feel a need to call me).
They were at a local dam/lake area! Once they got 'unstuck', they
decided to go get fast food then go to this area that they really
like - quiet, space to run, waterfall/spillway, ducks and other
waterfowl, nice spot all in all. They ended up spending a few hours
there. DH got to be out of the house, DS got his feelings and needs
heard and got to be at a quiet spot where he could play. Everyone
wins!
Since then, and more each day, they are getting better at doing this
kind of thing on their own. Perhaps, if you can be available by
phone some of the time, you could help them develop the skills to
work things out - talk to your DD and see what it is she is
thinking/feeling/needing, then talk with your DH and see what his
perspective is and propose options (small glass of milk; offer
option milk or cheesecake and let her decide it; make a Dairy chart
that she is in charge of so she can track how much she's had and
where her comfort line is; etc).
[email protected]
In a message dated 6/28/05 2:54:45 AM, sandrewmama@... writes:
and check on her?
Is there some kind of Lact-Aid for kids?
-=- He dismissed me saying that it all worked out in the end. -=-
So did WWII, in a manner of speaking.
-=-This isn't the first time these kinds of power struggles have
occurred on Sundays while I'm away. I'm not sure what to do next.
Suggestions?-=-
Calling more, letting it slide, helping her with phrases she might use to
trigger her dad's cooperation, just discussing it with her later, the next day,
and helping empower her to communicate directly with him, instead of reviewing
it all in front of both of them and making him feel less like being with her
by your rules. I've had the same kinds of problems, but over the years my
husband is more likely to be less like his parents and more like Holly's own
personal dad. (And Marty's, and Kirby's.)
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>Can't they call you where you're doing books? Can you call every hour or so
> Well, Dh had refused to allow her a drink of milk with her lunch. I
> guess the struggle elevated to the point that Dh hid the jug of milk
> out of reach on top of the refrigerator (this is where I found it
> when I came home.)
>
and check on her?
Is there some kind of Lact-Aid for kids?
-=- He dismissed me saying that it all worked out in the end. -=-
So did WWII, in a manner of speaking.
-=-This isn't the first time these kinds of power struggles have
occurred on Sundays while I'm away. I'm not sure what to do next.
Suggestions?-=-
Calling more, letting it slide, helping her with phrases she might use to
trigger her dad's cooperation, just discussing it with her later, the next day,
and helping empower her to communicate directly with him, instead of reviewing
it all in front of both of them and making him feel less like being with her
by your rules. I've had the same kinds of problems, but over the years my
husband is more likely to be less like his parents and more like Holly's own
personal dad. (And Marty's, and Kirby's.)
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]