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In a message dated 6/24/05 4:50:58 AM, sandrewmama@... writes:


> I 
> explained to him that I would not rehire a babysitter who treated his 
> sister the way he was treating her.  That when someone is charged 
> with the care of Zoe I expect them to keep her happy and safe.  
>

But you did.
And he probably wouldn't babysit again for someone who kept on him the way it
seems you might have about what he should have been feeling and doing.

What would he have to do to convince you he doesn't want to be responsible
for her?

-=- I think he learned some of this behavior 
from me and is inflicting it on his sister now that I'm not.-=-

No, you KNOW it.
He is having to suffer through seeing her given allowances and sweetness and
privileges that he didn't get at all, and at the same time he's being
criticized. I think it will get worse before it gets better if you don't spend some
one on one time with him, about him, soothing HIM about his own earlier
years, finding ways to make it up to him that have nothing to do with his sister.
"I'll let you not babysit" is still all about her.

Time won't heal this. Your hopes that he will want to help you make her
life better than his was are not fair to him.

-=-He thanked me for explaining it to him and said that now that he 
understands why I'm doing things differently he will try harder to 
pay attention to the new way and treat his sister more kindly.-=-

That's a start, but he will still have real hurts.

I think the same way parents go through a review of their childhoods when
they're being careful and mindful (old resentments and surprising memories can
surface kind of suddenly), he's going through that but his wounds are newer and
you're still right there.

Maybe try to really spend some good time with him not talking about this, but
finding ways to give him good memories and direct benefits of your new
beliefs nowadays that could affect him positively now.

Some of this I know from being an older child who was crowded out by a
slightly older (8 months) cousin coming to live with us when I was seven and she
stayed until she was grown, so I wasn't REALLY oldest, and then my sister (and
her little sister, who came a while later) got all KINDS of privileges I hadn't
had. It wasn't fun. And of course if I complained I was yelled at and
shamed (or spanked) for not being helpful and grateful. I remember it pretty
vividly and it was 40 years ago.

Sandra


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Maybe someone here can give me some guidance on a similar topic. Our 14yo son is adopted. He's been with us since age 11 and formally adopted since age 13. His upbringing was filled with neglect and abuse. In our family he's the oldest of 8. He's the only one that goes to school, by his choice.
The obvious stated- I don't get to spend as much time with him. He doesn't get to do all the fun things we do during the day (although he probly wouldn't want to come anyway). He says that his sibs are spoiled and that everything is unfair to him. Everyone tells me that this is normal teenager stuff, but it really takes it's toll on everyone.
I'd love to have given him the same upbringing as our younger kids, but it wasn't possible. Now he doesn't want the same lifestyle as the rest of us. I'm not sure how to deal with his feelings that he's treated unfairly when he alienates himself from us. I also don't want to force him to do things with us if he doesn't want to, because then no one is happy.
Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks, Sadie

Joyce Fetteroll

On Jun 24, 2005, at 11:30 AM, mesarylee@... wrote:

> Now he doesn't want the same lifestyle as the rest of us. I'm not
> sure how to deal with his feelings that he's treated unfairly when he
> alienates himself from us.

Sometimes people get themselves mentally into a place where they want
to blame what life has thrown at them on someone or something. That way
they can rationalize that it isn't their fault and they can't fix it.
They're the victim/slave of whatever and there's nothing they can do
about it.

What they really want is unconditional love but they don't trust
unconditional love. Love for some people has always been doled out only
when they're being who the parent is trying to manipulate them into
being.

And unfortunately what they'll often do in the face of unconditional
love is make themselves more unlovable to prove that the acceptance
you're demonstrating isn't real. The love you're offering it seems is
just a way of getting them to be who you want them to be.

A good book would be Parent/Teen Breakthrough: The Relationship
Approach. The basic premise is not to do anything that doesn't build
your relationship with him.

How about lunch dates with him without the other kids where you just
talk about the things going on in his life?

Joyce

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> He says that his sibs are spoiled and that everything is unfair to him. 
> Everyone tells me that this is normal teenager stuff, but it really takes it's
> toll on everyone. 
>

Ah, TWO ways to ignore teens.

It's almost like the way people dismiss women's little rants and complaints,
saying "She's probably on her period," only with teens the period lasts five
or ten years.

I don't think anyone can expect to make eight kids really happy. Mom's
spread very, very thin at that point. Making them all equally UNhappy seems
like a very bad idea, though.

Maybe ask the oldest's advice on how to make things more equitable, but don't
expect him to have the sensibilities and understanding of an adult.

Sandra


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