saying yes -- some more examples
arcarpenter2003
Two recent examples from our lives about saying yes, in this case to a
very young child.
Example 1:
(My response to a discussion on another list about punishment.)
Saying yes doesn't mean that I ignore my needs and limits, or that I
don't keep my children safe, or that they don't learn how to treat
people well. We talk about all these things, and I model respect, and
we often come up with solutions together. I'm not nearly perfect at
it yet, but I really don't punish anymore, and I'm always trying to
work my way toward "Yes, and how can I help?"
Even with Riley, my nearly 2 y.o., who doesn't talk yet -- he very
clearly makes his wishes known <G>, and he is more and more able to
model his behavior on what the big people in his life do. This is not
a compliant, "obedient" type of kid at all. But he can work towards
solutions (in his own nonverbal way) because I'm honest with him, in
how I treat him -- I always try to find a way to say yes to what he
wants.
For instance, today he really wanted to play with the raw eggs --
he didn't understand the difference between the hardboiled ones I
usually give him and the raw ones in the fridge -- so I brought one
raw egg up to the bathtub, stripped him to his diaper, and let him
play with it there. Boy, was he surprised when it broke! It was fun
to watch.
So he's starting to understand that if he's trying to get to something
and I can't seem to find a way to let him, it's because even the big
people don't do that, and there's a good reason.
That's very different from when adults get to do things but then tell
the little ones that *they* can't or that "we don't do that," -- a
hypocrisy that children see from very early on, which hurts and
confuses them. Children in those families will be looking for ways to
get beyond the artificial limits because they are trying to figure out
the world around them -- they have a dead serious need to get that
information.
*****************************
Example 2:
(My response to a discussion on another list about young children who
"don't listen" in dangerous situations, like running in the street.)
I think if you watched my younger son (Riley, almost 2 y.o.), you
would probably also say that he "doesn't listen." He is very curious
and active, and he used to run into the street.
Here's how I've worked with teaching him not to run into the street --
I let him go into the street. Sounds crazy, but let me explain.
We live on a cul-de-sac with little traffic. If we didn't live on a
calm street, I would probably take my son to a calm street and let him
play in it. I stand by him the entire time, and if a car comes, I
pick him up and take him to the sidewalk until the car is gone. I
tell him about the car while I'm holding him (and sometimes he is
struggling), and then I point out why it's safe to go back into the
street when the car is gone. Then I put him down and let him walk
back to the street.
If we walk by a parked car, or if we play with our cars in our
driveway, I point out where the windows are and how low Riley is
compared to the windows, how the drivers can't see him. It's just
part of the talking and sharing information that we always do around
here.
Riley almost never goes into the street anymore. He knows what it's
like, and he's learning how the big people handle the street -- and
that's all he really wanted to know in the first place. I'm also
careful about the words I use with him, saying "go to the sidewalk,
please" instead of "no" or "don't go in the street."
When a ball rolls into the street, he chases it until the end of the
driveway and stops. When my husband or I go to get the ball, Riley
sometimes follows us and sometimes doesn't. If it's not safe for him
to follow us, I tell him to stay on the sidewalk. If he didn't stay,
I would stay with him until the danger had passed. But he almost
always stays by now.
The last time that he and I took a stroll on the sidewalk, he was
interested in crossing the street, and he was willing to hold my hand
while he did it, and he seemed to understand that we needed to walk
straight across to get to the other side (as opposed to staying in the
street a long time).
He knows about the street at a younger age than my other son did (and
my other son is the one that everyone said was a "good listener,"
meaning he has a calmer, more observant personality that people often
think is "obedience."). With my older son, I didn't let him go in
the street and always said "no" without thinking about whether or not
there was a way to say yes.
My explanation for this: once the power struggle stopped, the
learning could begin.
Peace,
Amy
very young child.
Example 1:
(My response to a discussion on another list about punishment.)
Saying yes doesn't mean that I ignore my needs and limits, or that I
don't keep my children safe, or that they don't learn how to treat
people well. We talk about all these things, and I model respect, and
we often come up with solutions together. I'm not nearly perfect at
it yet, but I really don't punish anymore, and I'm always trying to
work my way toward "Yes, and how can I help?"
Even with Riley, my nearly 2 y.o., who doesn't talk yet -- he very
clearly makes his wishes known <G>, and he is more and more able to
model his behavior on what the big people in his life do. This is not
a compliant, "obedient" type of kid at all. But he can work towards
solutions (in his own nonverbal way) because I'm honest with him, in
how I treat him -- I always try to find a way to say yes to what he
wants.
For instance, today he really wanted to play with the raw eggs --
he didn't understand the difference between the hardboiled ones I
usually give him and the raw ones in the fridge -- so I brought one
raw egg up to the bathtub, stripped him to his diaper, and let him
play with it there. Boy, was he surprised when it broke! It was fun
to watch.
So he's starting to understand that if he's trying to get to something
and I can't seem to find a way to let him, it's because even the big
people don't do that, and there's a good reason.
That's very different from when adults get to do things but then tell
the little ones that *they* can't or that "we don't do that," -- a
hypocrisy that children see from very early on, which hurts and
confuses them. Children in those families will be looking for ways to
get beyond the artificial limits because they are trying to figure out
the world around them -- they have a dead serious need to get that
information.
*****************************
Example 2:
(My response to a discussion on another list about young children who
"don't listen" in dangerous situations, like running in the street.)
I think if you watched my younger son (Riley, almost 2 y.o.), you
would probably also say that he "doesn't listen." He is very curious
and active, and he used to run into the street.
Here's how I've worked with teaching him not to run into the street --
I let him go into the street. Sounds crazy, but let me explain.
We live on a cul-de-sac with little traffic. If we didn't live on a
calm street, I would probably take my son to a calm street and let him
play in it. I stand by him the entire time, and if a car comes, I
pick him up and take him to the sidewalk until the car is gone. I
tell him about the car while I'm holding him (and sometimes he is
struggling), and then I point out why it's safe to go back into the
street when the car is gone. Then I put him down and let him walk
back to the street.
If we walk by a parked car, or if we play with our cars in our
driveway, I point out where the windows are and how low Riley is
compared to the windows, how the drivers can't see him. It's just
part of the talking and sharing information that we always do around
here.
Riley almost never goes into the street anymore. He knows what it's
like, and he's learning how the big people handle the street -- and
that's all he really wanted to know in the first place. I'm also
careful about the words I use with him, saying "go to the sidewalk,
please" instead of "no" or "don't go in the street."
When a ball rolls into the street, he chases it until the end of the
driveway and stops. When my husband or I go to get the ball, Riley
sometimes follows us and sometimes doesn't. If it's not safe for him
to follow us, I tell him to stay on the sidewalk. If he didn't stay,
I would stay with him until the danger had passed. But he almost
always stays by now.
The last time that he and I took a stroll on the sidewalk, he was
interested in crossing the street, and he was willing to hold my hand
while he did it, and he seemed to understand that we needed to walk
straight across to get to the other side (as opposed to staying in the
street a long time).
He knows about the street at a younger age than my other son did (and
my other son is the one that everyone said was a "good listener,"
meaning he has a calmer, more observant personality that people often
think is "obedience."). With my older son, I didn't let him go in
the street and always said "no" without thinking about whether or not
there was a way to say yes.
My explanation for this: once the power struggle stopped, the
learning could begin.
Peace,
Amy
[email protected]
In a message dated 5/29/2005 12:58:38 PM Mountain Daylight Time,
arcarpenter@... writes:
Children in those families will be looking for ways to
get beyond the artificial limits because they are trying to figure out
the world around them -- they have a dead serious need to get that
information.
I love that.
It's really the crux of learning.
When parents are their children's partners in learning about the world, both
the learning and the relationship between the children and parents blossom.
When parents are their children's adversaries, children learn that the
parents aren't trustworthy and aren't their friends. They will learn
increasingly to go to others for answers and help and ideas. They will play with fire.
They will throw eggs at other people's cars or houses, because they've
always just wanted to throw an egg, and they were never allowed to break an egg
at home.
Eggs are some of the least expensive of groceries. Way cheaper than
fireworks and more legal. They're not at all good for automotive paint jobs, but
they won't hurt the dirt in the backyard, or some ratty old fence.
-=-Riley almost never goes into the street anymore. He knows what it's
like, and he's learning how the big people handle the street -- and
that's all he really wanted to know in the first place. -=-
Kids who have broken eggs and thrown eggs probably won't have the urge to
grow up to throw eggs at cars. And whose cars get egged anyway? Teachers'
cars. :-/
-= I'm also careful about the words I use with him, saying "go to the
sidewalk,
please" instead of "no" or "don't go in the street." -=-
Because Holly was going to England I briefed her on some of the terminology
I know that's very important. If someone tells an American in America "get
on the pavement," that person will jump into the street, onto the asphalt.
In England, asphalt is called "tarmac," and in a dangerous turn of events
(dangerous for visiting Americans), they call the concrete walkway at the side of
the street "pavement." So I told her that if someone yelled at her to get
on the pavement, they meant get OUT of the road, not INTO the road. And
there's that "look right" thing, too. North Americans visiting London walk out in
front of cars because they look left and then right in their "look both
ways" habit, rather than right and then left. They assume sometimes from
peripheral vision that the car coming from the right is at least eight or ten feet
away, on the other side of the road, and then it hits them...
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
arcarpenter@... writes:
Children in those families will be looking for ways to
get beyond the artificial limits because they are trying to figure out
the world around them -- they have a dead serious need to get that
information.
I love that.
It's really the crux of learning.
When parents are their children's partners in learning about the world, both
the learning and the relationship between the children and parents blossom.
When parents are their children's adversaries, children learn that the
parents aren't trustworthy and aren't their friends. They will learn
increasingly to go to others for answers and help and ideas. They will play with fire.
They will throw eggs at other people's cars or houses, because they've
always just wanted to throw an egg, and they were never allowed to break an egg
at home.
Eggs are some of the least expensive of groceries. Way cheaper than
fireworks and more legal. They're not at all good for automotive paint jobs, but
they won't hurt the dirt in the backyard, or some ratty old fence.
-=-Riley almost never goes into the street anymore. He knows what it's
like, and he's learning how the big people handle the street -- and
that's all he really wanted to know in the first place. -=-
Kids who have broken eggs and thrown eggs probably won't have the urge to
grow up to throw eggs at cars. And whose cars get egged anyway? Teachers'
cars. :-/
-= I'm also careful about the words I use with him, saying "go to the
sidewalk,
please" instead of "no" or "don't go in the street." -=-
Because Holly was going to England I briefed her on some of the terminology
I know that's very important. If someone tells an American in America "get
on the pavement," that person will jump into the street, onto the asphalt.
In England, asphalt is called "tarmac," and in a dangerous turn of events
(dangerous for visiting Americans), they call the concrete walkway at the side of
the street "pavement." So I told her that if someone yelled at her to get
on the pavement, they meant get OUT of the road, not INTO the road. And
there's that "look right" thing, too. North Americans visiting London walk out in
front of cars because they look left and then right in their "look both
ways" habit, rather than right and then left. They assume sometimes from
peripheral vision that the car coming from the right is at least eight or ten feet
away, on the other side of the road, and then it hits them...
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
arcarpenter2003
--- In [email protected], SandraDodd@a... wrote:
but that cleans up easily with a little cleanser and water after the
bath. <G>
Peace,
Amy
> They will throw eggs at other people's cars or houses, becausethey've
> always just wanted to throw an egg, and they were never allowed tobreak an egg
> at home.paint jobs, but
>
> Eggs are some of the least expensive of groceries. Way cheaper than
> fireworks and more legal. They're not at all good for automotive
> they won't hurt the dirt in the backyard, or some ratty old fence.I found out that they will also make your bathtub smell a little eggy,
>
but that cleans up easily with a little cleanser and water after the
bath. <G>
Peace,
Amy
sheila
"Eggs are some of the least expensive of groceries."
The mention of the grocery store and the topic of saying yes made me remember of something Alisha and I witnessed in a grocery store today. A family with 4 or 5 kids was there, and the mom told them to each pick out a candy bar from the candy display at the check out line. TOLD them to, as though they had to. One of the little boys came to the mom with one of those juice pop candy things, and she yelled at him. "NO! I said a candy bar! That's not a candy bar!" The dad said to her, "Well, if that's what he wants..." and she said, "No, I said a candy bar. He needs to learn to listen." The dad said, "You mom said no, come on, let's go find a candy bar".
Woah. Poor kids. It seems like they have a dad who wants to stick up for them but is too afraid of his wife.
Sheila
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
The mention of the grocery store and the topic of saying yes made me remember of something Alisha and I witnessed in a grocery store today. A family with 4 or 5 kids was there, and the mom told them to each pick out a candy bar from the candy display at the check out line. TOLD them to, as though they had to. One of the little boys came to the mom with one of those juice pop candy things, and she yelled at him. "NO! I said a candy bar! That's not a candy bar!" The dad said to her, "Well, if that's what he wants..." and she said, "No, I said a candy bar. He needs to learn to listen." The dad said, "You mom said no, come on, let's go find a candy bar".
Woah. Poor kids. It seems like they have a dad who wants to stick up for them but is too afraid of his wife.
Sheila
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]