Caprice Erickson

Date: Thu, 28 Apr 2005 12:10:46 EDT
From: SandraDodd@...


>>>>This sounds too scheduled to me. Maybe instead of trying so hard to
watch
things with both boys, maybe watch some things with one and some with
the other.
Or watch it with the one who has questions first, and then let the
other boy
watch it later without interruption. And if the younger wants to watch
it
again the second uninterrupted time, THEN they can be watching it
together.

We watch a lot of movies separately here. We can still discuss them in
the
days and weeks and years to follow without having watched them all
together.<<<<


Yes, it felt a little too scheduled to me also. But I talked to the boys about watching seperately and they didn't want to go for it. But I didn't think about watching it with Julian first and then all together, we'll see.


>>>>Good reason to watch just with him, and let HIM hold the remote and
pause it
as much as he wants to to ask questions.

Sandra<<<<

Never thought about doing that either (duh!). Thanks.
Caprice





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Caprice Erickson

Date: Thu, 28 Apr 2005 09:56:40 -0700
From: Pam Sorooshian <pamsoroosh@...>

>>>>Sounds like younger sibling frustration to me. Rosie has had some of
that at different ages. Not a quick fix - but it might mean that the
family needs to find some things to focus on where the younger sibling
has more expertise than the older one - gets to explain things TO
somebody else once in a while, instead of always feeling like he's
playing catch-up?

Is it possible that he's sort of "on the edge" all the time - of
feeling overwhelmed by how much he doesn't "get" compared to his
brother and parents. So seemingly little things push him over the edge
and he looks sort of irrational - too touchy, too urgent, as you
described it?<<<<


This is a good point. I think I was worried about something like this without the thoughts forming clearly in my mind. Julian does have an amazing artistic ability and I think it is pretty clear to him that his brother and father can't do the kinds of things he does in that area. However, that's not something you can explain to someone else is it? I can see how he could still be feeling "on the edge" and overwhelmed. I think I need to spend a lot more one-on-one time with him.



>>>>Is there some reason you can't watch things that are more accessible to
him so that he doesn't HAVE to feel like he's not understanding?

When my youngest wasn't able to keep up with stuff - the things we
watched as a family were geared to her level - there is plenty of
material out there for younger kids that is interesting and
entertaining to adults and older kids, too.

-pam<<<<


I don't really don't think that what we are watching is part of the problem. He does this no matter what we watch. And he isn't asking simple questions most of the time. He obviously understands what is going on well enough to ask questions about characters motivations ("But WHY did he do that? Why not just do this?) and other complicated subjects.

Here is an example not related to TV. Lately he has had a deep interest in robotics. He spent a lot of time making his own robots with a variety of parts taken from erector sets, capsella sets and scrap. After doing this for weeks he reached the point where he just couldn't accomplish what he envisioned with the parts that were available. So I did some research and found a kit that teaches begining robot programming and comes with parts to build a robot to practice programing. We have been going through this book step by step together and we both have learned a lot. Sometimes it takes a long time for him to understand a new concept from this book. I use a lot of drawings, analogies, and repeated explainations. He usually gets very upset but I am able to stay calm in this case. Eventually he always manages to understand and then he is very excited to put his new knowledge into action. I don't push him to do this. He knows that he can stop anytime he wants. He also wants to
know all about "real" robots that are out there in the world. I recently got a couple of relevant books from the library that I thought were "at his level". While reading one out loud to him he made this comment, "I already know all of that, are they going to tell about something new?" Later in the same book he got very emotional about a part that confused him.

Just trying to give you more of a "feel" for the situation. On the one hand I think maybe I am just making too big of a deal about it. On the other hand, I worry that his emotional reactions are a sign of an underlying concern like what you mentioned above.

Caprice





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Caprice Erickson

Date: Thu, 28 Apr 2005 11:03:45 -0600
From: Deb Lewis <ddzimlew@...>

>>>>I'm just going to throw out a couple of thoughts.

First, I think this is very normal. There is an age range where a lot
of
people have a hard time asking exactly what they want and where they
have
a hard time applying what they're hearing to what they already think.
I
don't think this is an emotional problem or barrier or anything like
that. I think it's just normal.<<<<


I hear what your saying. Maybe it is nothing to worry about. But sometimes when it seems like it has been going on so long, I start to feel like I should be looking closer and be more proactive. It's not that I think he is abnormal but rather I wonder what we (his parents) might be doing wrong.


>>>>Next, it might be part of your normal family style of communication.
You
mention others get upset too, so maybe this is the way your family
communicates. Maybe you're all easily frustrated when things don't go
exactly how you expect and he's mirroring that or it's part of his
genetic make up.<<<<


As a general rule we are a pretty easy-going bunch. <g> We do, however, react to his manner and tone of voice too often by getting irritated or frustrated. We do manage to stay calm and collected sometimes, and I think we are getting better at that. Maybe we have already created a mindset in him though, I don't know.


>>>>Also, paying attention to how you're answering his questions might give
you some clues. Is he getting a superficial answer when he's looking
for
something deep and meaningful? Is he getting more explanation than he
wants? Sometime when you're *not* watching anything ask him what he
thinks. Mention you notice he gets frustrated and ask what you can do
to
make that whole question/answer process easier for him.<<<<


If anything we may try to present too much info at once. That is something I have noticed and tried to correct. I would sometimes try to anticipate what questions he would have about my answers and include everything in one answer. Since I realized I was doing this I have tried to make a concious effort to just answer what he is asking at the time.

I have tried to ask him, when we aren't in the middle of a question/answer session, what he might be thinking and feeling during those times that he gets so upset. All he can tell me is that he starts feeling a lump in his throat and he can hear how his voice changes and he doesn't know why and tries to stop it but can't. Maybe I should tell him not to worry about stopping it? Just let it come and flow out as much as he needs it to?



>>>>David and Dylan had a hard time communicating and often over questions
about movie or book happenings.
David would give a simple answer. "He jumped off the building because
he
didn't want those guys to catch him."
Well, Dylan knew that much. He wanted to know *why* the guy thought
jumping was the best choice. Why couldn't he try to run past them?
Why
didn't he kick them and get away? What was he so afraid of if they
caught him?<<<<


Yes this is the kind of thing Julian will ask. Usually a quick and simple answer just doesn't give him the information he is looking for. But trying to explain too much at once makes things worse. It can be hard to find a balance.



>>>>Maybe he just doesn't like what he's watching. Maybe he'd like to go
do
something else but doesn't want to do it by himself. Could you offer
to
go play a game with him instead?<<<<


A good point, but often he is the one who requests that we watch these shows. If his father and brother want to watch something he isn't interested in, Julian and I will usually do something else together.



>>>>Just some ideas that may or may not help you. Dylan was like this at
about that age and it sorted itself out with a lot of talking and
understanding and some time. He's the one explaining most things to
us,
now. <g>

Deb Lewis<<<<


I appreciate your thoughts, it does help to get different perspectives.

Caprice



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Caprice Erickson

Date: Fri, 29 Apr 2005 09:28:18 -0400
From: "AlysonRR" <AlysonRR@...>

>>>>Does Julian read? I have difficulty sometimes understanding a show
because I don't always get what's said - processing problem, not
hearing
problem. So I leave the captioning on and have a much easier time.

Alyson<<<<


No, he doesn't read. And I think much of the time he does have trouble processing information that is just audio. Which is why we try to work in visual aids as much as possible.

Caprice



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Elizabeth Hill

**He also wants to know all about "real" robots that are out there in
the world. I recently got a couple of relevant books from the library
that I thought were "at his level". While reading one out loud to him he
made this comment, "I already know all of that, are they going to tell
about something new?" Later in the same book he got very emotional about
a part that confused him.**

My son has really enjoyed the episodes of the PBS show Scientific American Frontiers that were about robot research, including robotic cockroaches and soccer playing robots. (At one point, these were supposed to be available through streaming video on their website, but it didn't work on my computer.)

We recently saw a robotic mouse in a maze contest at UC Davis. After this, I was inspired to google the words "robots" and "kids" together, and the number 1 hit I got was Ann Zeise's A-Z Home's Cool website, which has a big section of robotic links. (A round of applause for Ann!)

Philosophically, I wanted to say that school kids are often confused and left behind in classroom "learning experiences", but they learn that they have almost no power to protest and get much in the way of clarification. So they sit their passively and let stuff they don't understand roll right by them. (They don't cry, because that inspires the other kids to be cruel.) That may seem "normal" to us, after attending public school for many years, but really it is very sad. I know that your son's outbursts are highly emotional, but I do see a positive element, that *he wants to learn* and that he wants the learning materials to *fit his needs*, because he is very *aware when the learning isn't working* for him. (No book can perfectly anticipate our questions of course.)

Some people seem to be better than others at taking a big project and breaking it down into doable steps. People who don't see the steps are at a disadvantage at times, so your planning and breaking down abilities will probably be heavily called on.

Betsy

Caprice Erickson

Date: Sat, 30 Apr 2005 09:54:39 -0700
From: Elizabeth Hill <ecsamhill@...>


>>>>My son has really enjoyed the episodes of the PBS show Scientific
American Frontiers that were about robot research, including robotic
cockroaches and soccer playing robots. (At one point, these were supposed to
be available through streaming video on their website, but it didn't
work on my computer.)<<<<


That sounds great, I will have to look for the video tapes at our library.


>>>>Philosophically, I wanted to say that school kids are often confused
and left behind in classroom "learning experiences", but they learn that
they have almost no power to protest and get much in the way of
clarification. So they sit their passively and let stuff they don't
understand roll right by them. (They don't cry, because that inspires the other
kids to be cruel.) That may seem "normal" to us, after attending
public school for many years, but really it is very sad. I know that your
son's outbursts are highly emotional, but I do see a positive element,
that *he wants to learn* and that he wants the learning materials to
*fit his needs*, because he is very *aware when the learning isn't
working* for him. (No book can perfectly anticipate our questions of course.)<<<<


Thank you for this. A wonderfully positive way to look at the situation. I can see how my school experience could have colored my perception. Also you made me realize how much I was comparing Julian to his older brother, Charles. Charles often lets stuff slide when he doesn't understand (especially when we watch movies). But he does this (to paraphrase him) because he knows that the understanding will come later. Like later in the show, or when he sees it again, or when he makes some connection with something else in life. He just prefers to experience things in an uninterupted flow and process later. I wasn't wanting or expecting Julian to be just like his brother but I think seeing how calmly Charles handles 'not understanding' made it harder for me to accept Julian's strong emotions.

Caprice


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]