[Unschooling Discussion] Emotional barriers to comprehension
Caprice Erickson
I could use some input about a difficult situation in my family. My dh, two ds and I regularly watch episodes of our favorite shows or movies in the evenings. The problem is that this time together all too often results in an emotional scene where everyone ends up feeling bad. My younger son Julian (9) usually has a lot of questions about what is going on in the show. No problem so far. But, when my dh or I try to answer his question (calmly, with no irritation or impatience) he usually doesn't understand imediately and then he begins to get upset (sometimes he is upset when he first asks the question). He gets this tone of voice which sounds like he is about to cry and his facial expression screws up into something like anger or frustration. We (dh and I) do our best to stay calm and explain in different ways to help him understand. Sometimes we do stay calm, manage to help Julian reach some kind of understanding and he calms down. Other times one or both of us shows
irritation and frustration and raise our voice(s) and of course that just makes things much worse. It gets more complicated when our older son Charles (12) gets angry and upset because he is tired of spending more time waiting for his brother to understand than watching the show.
I should add that this doesn't just come up during TV watching. Julian frequently gets very emotional when he is trying to understand anything that comes up in our day to day lives. Often, he seems to have formed an expected response in his mind. When we don't answer him with his expected response he doesn't seem to "hear" what we say at all. It's like he totally discounts anything that doesn't fit the mold he has prepared in his mind. We try explaining a different way. Still not what he wants to hear. He really starts to melt down. Later, if we repeat the first answer (or one of the other explainations) it may finally "click". Then he invariably says something like "Finally! An answer to my question. Why didn't you say that in the first place?!" (Excuse me a moment while I relive the incredible frustration this comment evokes) If we point out that we DID say it in the first place he says he never heard us say that. Probably we should just keep our mouths shut once he
understands. Sometimes I am tempted to record these conversations just so I can make sure that I am not going crazy or remembering what I said completely wrong.
The thing I am really worried about here is the emotional aspect. I don't mind taking time to explain over and over again until he understands. But he gets soooo upset and I feel so bad for him. And so often I (or dh or Charles) end up getting upset.
I have learned that he is a very visual person. So I try to use visual aids whenever I can in these situations. Some help but not enough.
Any thoughts?
TIA
Caprice
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
irritation and frustration and raise our voice(s) and of course that just makes things much worse. It gets more complicated when our older son Charles (12) gets angry and upset because he is tired of spending more time waiting for his brother to understand than watching the show.
I should add that this doesn't just come up during TV watching. Julian frequently gets very emotional when he is trying to understand anything that comes up in our day to day lives. Often, he seems to have formed an expected response in his mind. When we don't answer him with his expected response he doesn't seem to "hear" what we say at all. It's like he totally discounts anything that doesn't fit the mold he has prepared in his mind. We try explaining a different way. Still not what he wants to hear. He really starts to melt down. Later, if we repeat the first answer (or one of the other explainations) it may finally "click". Then he invariably says something like "Finally! An answer to my question. Why didn't you say that in the first place?!" (Excuse me a moment while I relive the incredible frustration this comment evokes) If we point out that we DID say it in the first place he says he never heard us say that. Probably we should just keep our mouths shut once he
understands. Sometimes I am tempted to record these conversations just so I can make sure that I am not going crazy or remembering what I said completely wrong.
The thing I am really worried about here is the emotional aspect. I don't mind taking time to explain over and over again until he understands. But he gets soooo upset and I feel so bad for him. And so often I (or dh or Charles) end up getting upset.
I have learned that he is a very visual person. So I try to use visual aids whenever I can in these situations. Some help but not enough.
Any thoughts?
TIA
Caprice
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Dana Matt
> ChrisI was going to suggest Tivo (My answer to
> Maybe something along the lines of TIVO would help?
everything!). When my kids have a question, we can
pause the show and talk about it, and even re-wind and
see it again to see if that makes it more clear.....
Dana
worhipper of the box
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fairy_of_moods
--- In [email protected], Dana Matt
<hoffmanwilson@y...> wrote:
get from BlockBuster. So we already stop and rewatch when
neccessary. My older son gets frustrated when we are stopping every
5 minutes <g>. Actually, we have come to an agreement with the
boys. When we sit down to watch something we set a timer for 20min.
When it goes off it is "question time". We started this to try and
accomadate both boys needs. It does help with the general
frustration level. But during those question times (and during other
daily life situations, as mentioned before) Julian still gets very
upset when trying to understand. He seems to have this overwhelming
urgency - he needs to know and he needs to know now!
Caprice
<hoffmanwilson@y...> wrote:
>Thanks for the input. However, we watch TV episodes off of DVD's we
> > Chris
> > Maybe something along the lines of TIVO would help?
>
>
> I was going to suggest Tivo (My answer to
> everything!). When my kids have a question, we can
> pause the show and talk about it, and even re-wind and
> see it again to see if that makes it more clear.....
> Dana
> worhipper of the box
> Do You Yahoo!?
> Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around
> http://mail.yahoo.com
get from BlockBuster. So we already stop and rewatch when
neccessary. My older son gets frustrated when we are stopping every
5 minutes <g>. Actually, we have come to an agreement with the
boys. When we sit down to watch something we set a timer for 20min.
When it goes off it is "question time". We started this to try and
accomadate both boys needs. It does help with the general
frustration level. But during those question times (and during other
daily life situations, as mentioned before) Julian still gets very
upset when trying to understand. He seems to have this overwhelming
urgency - he needs to know and he needs to know now!
Caprice
Elizabeth Hill
**
But during those question times (and during other
daily life situations, as mentioned before) Julian still gets very
upset when trying to understand. He seems to have this overwhelming
urgency - he needs to know and he needs to know now!**
I was going to say "would it help to watch less suspenseful TV shows?", but if it's also happening in real life then, yeah, I don't really comprehend why he's so urgent about the answers.
Betsy
But during those question times (and during other
daily life situations, as mentioned before) Julian still gets very
upset when trying to understand. He seems to have this overwhelming
urgency - he needs to know and he needs to know now!**
I was going to say "would it help to watch less suspenseful TV shows?", but if it's also happening in real life then, yeah, I don't really comprehend why he's so urgent about the answers.
Betsy
[email protected]
In a message dated 4/28/05 9:42:10 AM, fairy_of_moods@... writes:
<< My older son gets frustrated when we are stopping every
5 minutes <g>. Actually, we have come to an agreement with the
boys. When we sit down to watch something we set a timer for 20min.
When it goes off it is "question time". We started this to try and
accomadate both boys needs. >>
This sounds too scheduled to me. Maybe instead of trying so hard to watch
things with both boys, maybe watch some things with one and some with the other.
Or watch it with the one who has questions first, and then let the other boy
watch it later without interruption. And if the younger wants to watch it
again the second uninterrupted time, THEN they can be watching it together.
We watch a lot of movies separately here. We can still discuss them in the
days and weeks and years to follow without having watched them all together.
-=-Julian still gets very
upset when trying to understand. He seems to have this overwhelming
urgency - he needs to know and he needs to know now!-=-
Good reason to watch just with him, and let HIM hold the remote and pause it
as much as he wants to to ask questions.
Sandra
<< My older son gets frustrated when we are stopping every
5 minutes <g>. Actually, we have come to an agreement with the
boys. When we sit down to watch something we set a timer for 20min.
When it goes off it is "question time". We started this to try and
accomadate both boys needs. >>
This sounds too scheduled to me. Maybe instead of trying so hard to watch
things with both boys, maybe watch some things with one and some with the other.
Or watch it with the one who has questions first, and then let the other boy
watch it later without interruption. And if the younger wants to watch it
again the second uninterrupted time, THEN they can be watching it together.
We watch a lot of movies separately here. We can still discuss them in the
days and weeks and years to follow without having watched them all together.
-=-Julian still gets very
upset when trying to understand. He seems to have this overwhelming
urgency - he needs to know and he needs to know now!-=-
Good reason to watch just with him, and let HIM hold the remote and pause it
as much as he wants to to ask questions.
Sandra
Pam Sorooshian
On Apr 28, 2005, at 8:07 AM, fairy_of_moods wrote:
that at different ages. Not a quick fix - but it might mean that the
family needs to find some things to focus on where the younger sibling
has more expertise than the older one - gets to explain things TO
somebody else once in a while, instead of always feeling like he's
playing catch-up?
Is it possible that he's sort of "on the edge" all the time - of
feeling overwhelmed by how much he doesn't "get" compared to his
brother and parents. So seemingly little things push him over the edge
and he looks sort of irrational - too touchy, too urgent, as you
described it?
Is there some reason you can't watch things that are more accessible to
him so that he doesn't HAVE to feel like he's not understanding?
When my youngest wasn't able to keep up with stuff - the things we
watched as a family were geared to her level - there is plenty of
material out there for younger kids that is interesting and
entertaining to adults and older kids, too.
-pam
> Julian still gets verySounds like younger sibling frustration to me. Rosie has had some of
> upset when trying to understand. He seems to have this overwhelming
> urgency - he needs to know and he needs to know now!
that at different ages. Not a quick fix - but it might mean that the
family needs to find some things to focus on where the younger sibling
has more expertise than the older one - gets to explain things TO
somebody else once in a while, instead of always feeling like he's
playing catch-up?
Is it possible that he's sort of "on the edge" all the time - of
feeling overwhelmed by how much he doesn't "get" compared to his
brother and parents. So seemingly little things push him over the edge
and he looks sort of irrational - too touchy, too urgent, as you
described it?
Is there some reason you can't watch things that are more accessible to
him so that he doesn't HAVE to feel like he's not understanding?
When my youngest wasn't able to keep up with stuff - the things we
watched as a family were geared to her level - there is plenty of
material out there for younger kids that is interesting and
entertaining to adults and older kids, too.
-pam
Mary
From: <SandraDodd@...>
<<This sounds too scheduled to me. Maybe instead of trying so hard to watch
things with both boys, maybe watch some things with one and some with the
other.
Or watch it with the one who has questions first, and then let the other boy
watch it later without interruption. And if the younger wants to watch it
again the second uninterrupted time, THEN they can be watching it together.
Our son Joseph (10) is very analytical about a lot of things. General
explanations that satisfy the other kids just don't work on him. So for that
reason, watching movies or shows with him can be a bit frustrating. He
doesn't get upset about asking but sometimes my husband does when he just
wants to watch the show. So if it's a movie that my husband really wants to
see, we will watch it first and then again with the kids. My husband is much
more calm answering questions about something he's already enjoyed watching.
TV shows we will tape. That way also, Sierra can watch through as she
doesn't question things like Joseph does either. Works very well here.
Mary B
<<This sounds too scheduled to me. Maybe instead of trying so hard to watch
things with both boys, maybe watch some things with one and some with the
other.
Or watch it with the one who has questions first, and then let the other boy
watch it later without interruption. And if the younger wants to watch it
again the second uninterrupted time, THEN they can be watching it together.
>>I was going to respond the same thing. Sandra beat me to it!
Our son Joseph (10) is very analytical about a lot of things. General
explanations that satisfy the other kids just don't work on him. So for that
reason, watching movies or shows with him can be a bit frustrating. He
doesn't get upset about asking but sometimes my husband does when he just
wants to watch the show. So if it's a movie that my husband really wants to
see, we will watch it first and then again with the kids. My husband is much
more calm answering questions about something he's already enjoyed watching.
TV shows we will tape. That way also, Sierra can watch through as she
doesn't question things like Joseph does either. Works very well here.
Mary B
AlysonRR
Does Julian read? I have difficulty sometimes understanding a show
because I don't always get what's said - processing problem, not hearing
problem. So I leave the captioning on and have a much easier time.
Alyson
-----Original Message-----
From: [email protected]
[mailto:[email protected]] On Behalf Of Caprice
Erickson
Sent: Wednesday, April 27, 2005 10:28 AM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [UnschoolingDiscussion] [Unschooling Discussion] Emotional
barriers to comprehension
I could use some input about a difficult situation in my family. My dh,
two ds and I regularly watch episodes of our favorite shows or movies in
the evenings. The problem is that this time together all too often
results in an emotional scene where everyone ends up feeling bad. My
younger son Julian (9) usually has a lot of questions about what is
going on in the show. No problem so far. But, when my dh or I try to
answer his question (calmly, with no irritation or impatience) he
usually doesn't understand imediately and then he begins to get upset
(sometimes he is upset when he first asks the question). ...
I have learned that he is a very visual person. So I try to use visual
aids whenever I can in these situations. Some help but not enough.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
because I don't always get what's said - processing problem, not hearing
problem. So I leave the captioning on and have a much easier time.
Alyson
-----Original Message-----
From: [email protected]
[mailto:[email protected]] On Behalf Of Caprice
Erickson
Sent: Wednesday, April 27, 2005 10:28 AM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [UnschoolingDiscussion] [Unschooling Discussion] Emotional
barriers to comprehension
I could use some input about a difficult situation in my family. My dh,
two ds and I regularly watch episodes of our favorite shows or movies in
the evenings. The problem is that this time together all too often
results in an emotional scene where everyone ends up feeling bad. My
younger son Julian (9) usually has a lot of questions about what is
going on in the show. No problem so far. But, when my dh or I try to
answer his question (calmly, with no irritation or impatience) he
usually doesn't understand imediately and then he begins to get upset
(sometimes he is upset when he first asks the question). ...
I have learned that he is a very visual person. So I try to use visual
aids whenever I can in these situations. Some help but not enough.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]