A little off topic, but regarding choices
greencow32766
I just posted another message with this quote from an article that I
think Sandra referred me to and I wanted to start another message
about it.
"Choice is a really important conceptnot just semantics. It's the
difference between anger, regret, resentment and happiness, comfort
and joy in life."
About 4 years ago, we lived with my husbands grandma to care for her
after grandpa died and she couldn't live alone any longer. To try to
make a long story short, she fell, broke both arms, it was cheaper
for me to quit my job and take care of her than going into a nursing
home/rehab center so yes, I chose to care for her. I should have
known better - for as long as we knew her, she was known to say mean,
spitefull things, talk behind your back, be very demanding
etc....Well, I took care of her for about 18 months full time - alone
because no one else in the family could stand to be around her. I
almost fell apart - I think I must have had a nervous breakdown - I
made some really bad choices because I was so miserable - I turned
into her - I was just awful to be around but didn't feel like I had
any choices. Even though she was so awful to me, I couldn't stand
the thought of putting her in a nursing home, I was afraid that she
would feel so alone and out of place so I wouldn't consider it. My
family & marriage suffered terribly until she passed away. After she
was gone I told myself "never again". But as I see our parents
aging, I'm already telling myself I couldn't put them in a nursing
home - yes that's my choice I guess but it's also my responsibility?
or my guilt?
I'm kind of in the same boat now - I'm not very happy with my life
but I feel I have no choice and it's due to guilt. I work for my
dad's small business, it's going under, they just filed bankruptcy
but if we can someone just make it work until dad's full retirement
kicks in in about a year, I'm barely getting paid anymore, we are
falling behind on our bills, but if I quit (which I really would have
liked to do years ago) then my mom would have to do my job and the
last time they tried working together they almost got a divorce and
still have marriage problems. So I stay, also I tell myself it's a
good flexible situation with my daughter being homeschooled and them
being her grandparents! Then throw my 28 year old brother into the
picture, he's back home with my mom & dad, trying to recover from
prescription drug abuse. He's been home 3 years and driving us all
crazy - we think he's bipolar, there's no money for counseling etc..
his pride prevents him from going to the county for help unless one
of us take him by the hand etc.... I learned my lesson from taking
care of grandma - I don't want to be around a situation like that
again but I kind of am now. BUT my guilt makes me stay or my feeling
of responsibility. I'd love to say that I quit because I need a
paycheck, and not worry about what that will do to mom and I love to
work somewhere else where I'm not around my brother all day BUT
again, I stay..........Is that my choice? or my guilt? or my
responsibility?
Tracie
think Sandra referred me to and I wanted to start another message
about it.
"Choice is a really important conceptnot just semantics. It's the
difference between anger, regret, resentment and happiness, comfort
and joy in life."
About 4 years ago, we lived with my husbands grandma to care for her
after grandpa died and she couldn't live alone any longer. To try to
make a long story short, she fell, broke both arms, it was cheaper
for me to quit my job and take care of her than going into a nursing
home/rehab center so yes, I chose to care for her. I should have
known better - for as long as we knew her, she was known to say mean,
spitefull things, talk behind your back, be very demanding
etc....Well, I took care of her for about 18 months full time - alone
because no one else in the family could stand to be around her. I
almost fell apart - I think I must have had a nervous breakdown - I
made some really bad choices because I was so miserable - I turned
into her - I was just awful to be around but didn't feel like I had
any choices. Even though she was so awful to me, I couldn't stand
the thought of putting her in a nursing home, I was afraid that she
would feel so alone and out of place so I wouldn't consider it. My
family & marriage suffered terribly until she passed away. After she
was gone I told myself "never again". But as I see our parents
aging, I'm already telling myself I couldn't put them in a nursing
home - yes that's my choice I guess but it's also my responsibility?
or my guilt?
I'm kind of in the same boat now - I'm not very happy with my life
but I feel I have no choice and it's due to guilt. I work for my
dad's small business, it's going under, they just filed bankruptcy
but if we can someone just make it work until dad's full retirement
kicks in in about a year, I'm barely getting paid anymore, we are
falling behind on our bills, but if I quit (which I really would have
liked to do years ago) then my mom would have to do my job and the
last time they tried working together they almost got a divorce and
still have marriage problems. So I stay, also I tell myself it's a
good flexible situation with my daughter being homeschooled and them
being her grandparents! Then throw my 28 year old brother into the
picture, he's back home with my mom & dad, trying to recover from
prescription drug abuse. He's been home 3 years and driving us all
crazy - we think he's bipolar, there's no money for counseling etc..
his pride prevents him from going to the county for help unless one
of us take him by the hand etc.... I learned my lesson from taking
care of grandma - I don't want to be around a situation like that
again but I kind of am now. BUT my guilt makes me stay or my feeling
of responsibility. I'd love to say that I quit because I need a
paycheck, and not worry about what that will do to mom and I love to
work somewhere else where I'm not around my brother all day BUT
again, I stay..........Is that my choice? or my guilt? or my
responsibility?
Tracie
[email protected]
In a message dated 4/23/05 7:20:16 PM, McGeath3@... writes:
<< if I quit (which I really would have
liked to do years ago) then my mom would have to do my job and >>
HAVE to?
What if you and your mom together go to your dad and say "This isn't a doable
job. It's killing me and it would kill mom."
-=-I'd love to say that I quit because I need a
paycheck, and not worry about what that will do to mom and I love to
work somewhere else where I'm not around my brother all day BUT
again, I stay..........Is that my choice? or my guilt? or my
responsibility?-=-
Can your brother do the job you're doing, at least half time?
-=-I'd love to say that I quit because I need a
paycheck,-=-
You can't get this time back.
Maybe make a list on paper with the "pro" column and the "anti-" column.
What are the advantages to your staying there? What harm can (or is) coming of
it? What harm might come of your quitting?
It's not an easy question. Try to look at it, too, from five years away.
Run several mental simulations, if you can, kind of like thinking ahead a few
moves in a game. What are the best possible outcomes? Some of the worst ones?
Don't just think of one or two. Think of six or seven. Take notes, or draw
pictures. Breathe deeply and don't let the stress of all this get you stuck
and sleepless.
That's not a whole "answer," it's just some ideas to help you back out of the
mire and look at it in a less tangled way. Maybe you do need to finish, but
how can you see it clearly enough to feel better about it? (That's what the
suggestions are intended to help with, I hope.)
Another idea is to take a break from it for a week or two. Leave town. See
how it goes with your mom or brother doing it instead. Then when you come
back (if you come back) you can tell your dad more clearly what you see (maybe).
Sandra
<< if I quit (which I really would have
liked to do years ago) then my mom would have to do my job and >>
HAVE to?
What if you and your mom together go to your dad and say "This isn't a doable
job. It's killing me and it would kill mom."
-=-I'd love to say that I quit because I need a
paycheck, and not worry about what that will do to mom and I love to
work somewhere else where I'm not around my brother all day BUT
again, I stay..........Is that my choice? or my guilt? or my
responsibility?-=-
Can your brother do the job you're doing, at least half time?
-=-I'd love to say that I quit because I need a
paycheck,-=-
You can't get this time back.
Maybe make a list on paper with the "pro" column and the "anti-" column.
What are the advantages to your staying there? What harm can (or is) coming of
it? What harm might come of your quitting?
It's not an easy question. Try to look at it, too, from five years away.
Run several mental simulations, if you can, kind of like thinking ahead a few
moves in a game. What are the best possible outcomes? Some of the worst ones?
Don't just think of one or two. Think of six or seven. Take notes, or draw
pictures. Breathe deeply and don't let the stress of all this get you stuck
and sleepless.
That's not a whole "answer," it's just some ideas to help you back out of the
mire and look at it in a less tangled way. Maybe you do need to finish, but
how can you see it clearly enough to feel better about it? (That's what the
suggestions are intended to help with, I hope.)
Another idea is to take a break from it for a week or two. Leave town. See
how it goes with your mom or brother doing it instead. Then when you come
back (if you come back) you can tell your dad more clearly what you see (maybe).
Sandra
[email protected]
In a message dated 4/23/2005 8:20:23 PM Central Standard Time,
McGeath3@... writes:
BUT my guilt makes me stay or my feeling
of responsibility. I'd love to say that I quit because I need a
paycheck, and not worry about what that will do to mom and I love to
work somewhere else where I'm not around my brother all day BUT
again, I stay..........Is that my choice? or my guilt? or my
responsibility?
~~~
It must be paying off for you in some way to be a doormat. Have you read
Sandra's Certificate of Empowerment?
Another thing...you're taking care of your parents business, but because
you're not getting paid enough, your family is suffering.
You should feel guilty about that. Your parents are grown up and you're not
responsible for their choices. Do you want your kids to feel obligated to
you like you feel to your parents and ignore their families true and rightful
needs? No, of course not. Don't model misplaced martyrdom for them.
Karen
www.badchair.net
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
McGeath3@... writes:
BUT my guilt makes me stay or my feeling
of responsibility. I'd love to say that I quit because I need a
paycheck, and not worry about what that will do to mom and I love to
work somewhere else where I'm not around my brother all day BUT
again, I stay..........Is that my choice? or my guilt? or my
responsibility?
~~~
It must be paying off for you in some way to be a doormat. Have you read
Sandra's Certificate of Empowerment?
Another thing...you're taking care of your parents business, but because
you're not getting paid enough, your family is suffering.
You should feel guilty about that. Your parents are grown up and you're not
responsible for their choices. Do you want your kids to feel obligated to
you like you feel to your parents and ignore their families true and rightful
needs? No, of course not. Don't model misplaced martyrdom for them.
Karen
www.badchair.net
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]