Brown

I loved what you wrote about honesty, Beverley.

One thing that I have trouble with is apologies. When one of the kids has done
something that has hurt another, I talk to them about it, but don't 'make'
them apologise. But so many others, dh included, demand apologies be made. My
way is to talk to the kid about what has happenned, listen to his story, and
if he *is* sorry for what he has done, encourage him to apologise - and
sometimes that means me going along too to hold a hand - apologising is not
easy. I don't 'make' the other accept the apology either.

I feel it is bad enough that some one has been hurt, without dishonest, false
apologies rubbing salt into the wound. And if someone is feeling so hurt they
can't accept the apology, then that is part of the consequences of one's
actions too.

This attitude has not been popular with others though - esp. other who demand
apologies, however insincere the apology might be! Personally, I think such
demands spring more from a wish to humiliate the 'hurter', rather than a wish
to mollify the 'hurtee'.

Carol

Nicoletta Manns

I completely 100% agree with the posting below. My son is three years
old, has never been "made" to apologise or say "please" or "thank
you" for that matter either. And yet he spontaneously
says "sorry", "please" and "thank you" and it feels soooo wonderful
to hear it when it comes out so spontaneously and sincerely. It gives
me goosebumps almost every time.

For those of you who haven't heard of Aletha Solter and her
books "The Aware Baby", "Helping Young Children Flourish" and "Tears
and Tantrums", I would highly recommend those. They can be found at
www.awareparenting.com as well as on amazon.com.

Nicoletta,
Mother of Anicca (13), Marianna (11), Anna (10) and Benjamin (3);
not to mention all the pets in this house.
(If you're wondering about the similarities of the names, Marianna is
my step-daughter; I met her when she was five.)


--- In [email protected], Brown <mjcmbrwn@i...> wrote:
> I loved what you wrote about honesty, Beverley.
>
> One thing that I have trouble with is apologies. When one of the
kids has done
> something that has hurt another, I talk to them about it, but
don't 'make'
> them apologise. But so many others, dh included, demand apologies
be made. My
> way is to talk to the kid about what has happenned, listen to his
story, and
> if he *is* sorry for what he has done, encourage him to apologise -
and
> sometimes that means me going along too to hold a hand -
apologising is not
> easy. I don't 'make' the other accept the apology either.
>
> I feel it is bad enough that some one has been hurt, without
dishonest, false
> apologies rubbing salt into the wound. And if someone is feeling so
hurt they
> can't accept the apology, then that is part of the consequences of
one's
> actions too.
>
> This attitude has not been popular with others though - esp. other
who demand
> apologies, however insincere the apology might be! Personally, I
think such
> demands spring more from a wish to humiliate the 'hurter', rather
than a wish
> to mollify the 'hurtee'.
>
> Carol

Tracy Oldfield

This attitude has not been popular with others though -
esp. other who demand
apologies, however insincere the apology might be!
Personally, I think such
demands spring more from a wish to humiliate the
'hurter', rather than a wish
to mollify the 'hurtee'.

Carol

This is so familiar, Carol. I think there's a bit of
both humiliate and mollify, neither of which is
particularly beneficial to either party, IMO. Simple
acceptance of feelings comes hard to so many people (me
included, except on my better days :-) ) There was an
article in the paper last week about sleep training
(Daily Telegraph, www.telegraph.co.uk , you have to
register to read files, but that's fairly painless) and
even though it was decrying the 'cry it out' technique,
the 'method' though it didn't say what age it was
talking about, didn't seem to respect either the baby's
need to be with his/her mother or the feelings of the
child, in not recognising that they don't want to sleep
alone or at such-and-such a time. I ought to write a
rebuttal, don't you think? <g>

Tracy

Robin & Beverley Paine

>I loved what you wrote about honesty, Beverley.
>
>One thing that I have trouble with is apologies. When one of the kids has
done
>something that has hurt another, I talk to them about it, but don't 'make'
>them apologise.

We worked on apologies big time a few years back, and since then really
think about what we mean... the casual 'I'm sorry' is fairly meaningless in
society nowadays - more akin to 'it's not my fault' more than anything else
- or 'I didn't mean it' - which is definitely NOT an apology!

I encourage empathy rather than 'sorry' - 'how would you feel if that
happened to you'. I talk about how I feel when it happens to me. This seems
to work. I especially work on my partner - I'm very demanding on him to
examine this aspect of 'sorry'. I think if I can get him to understand it
will be so much better for the children (learning by example, consistency
in parenting and all that stuff).

>easy. I don't 'make' the other accept the apology either.

That's real important. I don't ask for forgiveness, nor do I give it. Not
because I have to, or should. Just ackowledging that some harm has been
done and that there is regret is often the best start along that road.
Often we need time to move us away from the emotional storm before we can
start to heal.

>This attitude has not been popular with others though - esp. other who
demand
>apologies, however insincere the apology might be! Personally, I think such
>demands spring more from a wish to humiliate the 'hurter', rather than a wish
>to mollify the 'hurtee'.

Yes, and it does make social situations very difficult. I think we have
tended to become isolationists with our children, so that we can instil in
them the values we need without a lot of interference from needing to
conform to group social pressures from well meaning friends and family.
This way when we do socialise the impact isn't so great to act differently
from our values.


cheers,
Beverley

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