nellebelle

>>>If you had an otherwise loving, friendly, fun and interesting relationship with your mom, do you think her choice of words would seem so "empty"?>>>>

I only know the relationship I DO have with her. My mom has always been very free with telling me that she loves me, and overall acts generously and loving towards me. I grew up believing that I was loved and have no doubt that she continues to love me very much. However, she has very low self esteem, had a rotten childhood and two lousy marriages, and tends towards trying to control situations and relationships. She spent many years buying me makeup that I didn't wear, trying to get me to go to fancy hair stylists, etc. Nothing wrong with any of that for those who want it, but why buy makeup for someone who doesn't wear makeup? Did she really think I wasn't aware that some people wear their hair in the latest styles, and that I didn't only because I didn't know styling salons existed? She did these things even when I was 30 and 40 years old! In the past couple of years she has made a dozen comments to me about dyeing hair to cover grey. The message I got was, "You are OK the way you are, but if you did these things you could be really beautiful and being really beautiful is better than not." Then, after doing those things and making those comments, she will say to me, "You are so beautiful". A rather mixed message, I think, even if her intent is good.

Because we live on opposite sides of the state, our visits with one another usually include overnight stays of 2 to 5 nights. She just left from a two week holiday stay, and I do admit to being tired of having a live in guest and pressure to make her visit as pleasant as possible. Since becoming widowed and then disabled from Rheumatoid arthritis, it seems that she lives mostly vicariously - through events on the news and gossiping about the lives of my siblings. She does little socially that doesn't involve her grown children and grandchildren.

From an unschooling perspective, I think about my relationship with her in terms of how my children experience relationships between grown children and their parents. She is the only living grandparent they know. I can see my mother reaching a point before long where she may be unable to physically care for herself, and I do not believe that I would be able to take her into my home. Since I was a young child she has asked that we never put her in an institution. Yet I was gulping for air by the end of a two week visit! I am very grateful that my younger brother and his wife have made a committment to do what they can for her, but she is often telling me that I'm the one she wishes to spend more time with. (I have 3 brothers and no sisters.)

I am aware that I react to her over praising by being reluctant to praise my own kids. I've read Punished by Rewards and some essays by Alfie Kohn. I'm trying to give useful words to my girls, rather than vague praises and to remember to tell them that I love them without smothering them with words. The actions have to be there too - like hugging them and doing nice things for them so they understand love through how they are treated, not just what they hear. For other types of praise, comments like telling a child they are smart or generous or sweet doesn't really give the child useful information. Besides, the child knows that they don't always act or feel smart or generous or sweet, so how do they reconcile their feelings with the labels they may be given?

Mary Ellen

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