Re: #2, Tattling (was Bad advice from the mainstream)
[email protected]
<< 2. Don't respond to tattling.
Once they figure out that you aren't listening, they'll stop doing it so
much. Or when they're mid-bicker, ignore them and do something odd -- like
crawl
under the dining room table with a book. That'll stop the argument in its
tracks, and they might even come join you. (Works for tantrums too!) >>
Ignore them and they'll go away.
Yes, that's true.
But first they might do some REAL damage to themselves or others.
And the parent will have done irreparable damage to the relationship between
herself and the children.
If I called the police a few times and they ignored me, I would stop doing it
so much. But is that the role of safety officers, to ignore calls for help?
I think a mother's prime job is the immediate safety of her young children.
Children who are treated as this suggestion recommends, ignored by the adults
around them, might NEVER be as safe when they're out and about as those who
have been helped to develop sensible solutions to disagreements, based on p
rinciples of consideration and peaceful interactions and safe behavior.
The distraction and humor suggestion isn't so bad, but it seems a trick for
the use of a mom who HAS no better ideas than to turn clownish. And the
dispute between the kids wasn't resolved at all, and when it comes up again they'll
know no more than they do this time about how to make peace or to get help
when the problem is beyond their three- or five- or ten-year-old understanding.
I think first that there's a deep problem in wording. "Tattling" has a bad
connotation, and "tattling is bad." "Tattlers" are bad. So I have never ever
used that word with my kids. If they want to tell me about a problem
they're having, or report something that scared them or that they didn't know how to
handle, that's WONDERFUL. That's what our relationship has been about
always. It's not "tattling" to come and say "Marc is throwing sand in the babies'
eyes" at the park. It's not "tattling" to say "Laurie has my bike and won't
give it back."
If an adult was being pelted with rocks (the equivalent of sand to babies),
or someone had his car and wouldn't give it back, the police would be there
pretty quickly. They wouldn't respond to a 911 call with "Don't tattle."
So these special "ignore it" rules for children are just another way to treat
them as less than fully human, and I don't like that.
Sandra
Once they figure out that you aren't listening, they'll stop doing it so
much. Or when they're mid-bicker, ignore them and do something odd -- like
crawl
under the dining room table with a book. That'll stop the argument in its
tracks, and they might even come join you. (Works for tantrums too!) >>
Ignore them and they'll go away.
Yes, that's true.
But first they might do some REAL damage to themselves or others.
And the parent will have done irreparable damage to the relationship between
herself and the children.
If I called the police a few times and they ignored me, I would stop doing it
so much. But is that the role of safety officers, to ignore calls for help?
I think a mother's prime job is the immediate safety of her young children.
Children who are treated as this suggestion recommends, ignored by the adults
around them, might NEVER be as safe when they're out and about as those who
have been helped to develop sensible solutions to disagreements, based on p
rinciples of consideration and peaceful interactions and safe behavior.
The distraction and humor suggestion isn't so bad, but it seems a trick for
the use of a mom who HAS no better ideas than to turn clownish. And the
dispute between the kids wasn't resolved at all, and when it comes up again they'll
know no more than they do this time about how to make peace or to get help
when the problem is beyond their three- or five- or ten-year-old understanding.
I think first that there's a deep problem in wording. "Tattling" has a bad
connotation, and "tattling is bad." "Tattlers" are bad. So I have never ever
used that word with my kids. If they want to tell me about a problem
they're having, or report something that scared them or that they didn't know how to
handle, that's WONDERFUL. That's what our relationship has been about
always. It's not "tattling" to come and say "Marc is throwing sand in the babies'
eyes" at the park. It's not "tattling" to say "Laurie has my bike and won't
give it back."
If an adult was being pelted with rocks (the equivalent of sand to babies),
or someone had his car and wouldn't give it back, the police would be there
pretty quickly. They wouldn't respond to a 911 call with "Don't tattle."
So these special "ignore it" rules for children are just another way to treat
them as less than fully human, and I don't like that.
Sandra
pam sorooshian
On Dec 12, 2004, at 8:50 AM, SandraDodd@... wrote:
between "tattling" and "reporting" and to make sure that the kids knew
that "reporting" was great for them to do. So that is how I thought of
it, from the beginning. And - lots of times what somebody else calls
"tattling" is really very clearly "reporting," such as "Marc is
throwing sand in the babies' eyes." This is information that the kid
thinks the adult should have. Sometimes the parent doesn't need to know
or need to act on it, but the kid doesn't know that. Sometimes kids
come to Krisula at the park and say, "Anika is up really high on the
slide." They think she's too high and that her mom needs to do
something, but Krisula knows that she's okay up there. That's still
"reporting" and not "tattling." The correct response is to thank the
child for reporting and either do something about it - stop Marc from
throwing sand at the babies - or reassure the reporter that things are
fine - "Thank you so much for telling me that you're worried about
Anika and I'll keep a close eye on her."
So - what would actual "tattling" look like? The idea was that if the
kid is "just" trying to get another kid into trouble, that would be
tattling. And, in fact, that happens and my response as a parent IS
different than to "real" reporting. But my response is not to ignore it
or punish it or otherwise just try to make it stop. My response was to
respond to what seemed to me to be the real problem or to talk to the
"tattler" about what was going on and see if I could help or to just go
be more present and see if things cooled down a little. For example, if
Rosie came in the house angrily saying, "Roxana is stomping on the
flowers in the garden," I'd go see what was happening - if it turned
out Rox had accidentally stepped on a flower - and Rosie knew it was
not going to happen again, it was just an accident, nobody or no thing
was in any danger, and her report was for no reason OTHER than to get
Roxana into trouble - then that could be called "tattling." So - I
STILL wouldn't chew out Rosie for bothering me with tattling - because
really it would indicate there was some other problem going on between
them that she was frustrated with and couldn't figure out how to
resolve on her own and that was what would have brought her to me. I
might just stay out there to be nearby and able to see and hear what
happens when they start to play together again. I might ask, straight
out, "How are things going out here - you having problems of some
kind?" If the so-called "tattler" is upset - I might take her aside and
say, "So, what's going on - you seem upset?" Etc.
What I'm trying to say is that reporting and tattling ARE different -
one comes from true concern about a situation and the other comes from
frustration or anger at another person - but either one represents a
child coming to an adult for help and both should be encouraged, not
discouraged.
-pam
> "Tattling" has a badWhen my kids were really little my mom had told me to differentiate
> connotation, and "tattling is bad." "Tattlers" are bad. So I have
> never ever
> used that word with my kids. If they want to tell me about a problem
> they're having, or report something that scared them or that they
> didn't know how to
> handle, that's WONDERFUL. That's what our relationship has been about
> always. It's not "tattling" to come and say "Marc is throwing sand in
> the babies'
> eyes" at the park. It's not "tattling" to say "Laurie has my bike and
> won't
> give it back."
between "tattling" and "reporting" and to make sure that the kids knew
that "reporting" was great for them to do. So that is how I thought of
it, from the beginning. And - lots of times what somebody else calls
"tattling" is really very clearly "reporting," such as "Marc is
throwing sand in the babies' eyes." This is information that the kid
thinks the adult should have. Sometimes the parent doesn't need to know
or need to act on it, but the kid doesn't know that. Sometimes kids
come to Krisula at the park and say, "Anika is up really high on the
slide." They think she's too high and that her mom needs to do
something, but Krisula knows that she's okay up there. That's still
"reporting" and not "tattling." The correct response is to thank the
child for reporting and either do something about it - stop Marc from
throwing sand at the babies - or reassure the reporter that things are
fine - "Thank you so much for telling me that you're worried about
Anika and I'll keep a close eye on her."
So - what would actual "tattling" look like? The idea was that if the
kid is "just" trying to get another kid into trouble, that would be
tattling. And, in fact, that happens and my response as a parent IS
different than to "real" reporting. But my response is not to ignore it
or punish it or otherwise just try to make it stop. My response was to
respond to what seemed to me to be the real problem or to talk to the
"tattler" about what was going on and see if I could help or to just go
be more present and see if things cooled down a little. For example, if
Rosie came in the house angrily saying, "Roxana is stomping on the
flowers in the garden," I'd go see what was happening - if it turned
out Rox had accidentally stepped on a flower - and Rosie knew it was
not going to happen again, it was just an accident, nobody or no thing
was in any danger, and her report was for no reason OTHER than to get
Roxana into trouble - then that could be called "tattling." So - I
STILL wouldn't chew out Rosie for bothering me with tattling - because
really it would indicate there was some other problem going on between
them that she was frustrated with and couldn't figure out how to
resolve on her own and that was what would have brought her to me. I
might just stay out there to be nearby and able to see and hear what
happens when they start to play together again. I might ask, straight
out, "How are things going out here - you having problems of some
kind?" If the so-called "tattler" is upset - I might take her aside and
say, "So, what's going on - you seem upset?" Etc.
What I'm trying to say is that reporting and tattling ARE different -
one comes from true concern about a situation and the other comes from
frustration or anger at another person - but either one represents a
child coming to an adult for help and both should be encouraged, not
discouraged.
-pam
Deb Lewis
***So these special "ignore it" rules for children are just another way
to treat
them as less than fully human, and I don't like that.***
I don't like it either.
If I had a party guest who was becoming a problem and I went to my
husband and said "He's belligerent and insulting the others." I'd be
pretty damn disgusted if my husband said "Stop tattling!"
If my husband came home from work with a complaint about a coworker and I
ignored him and crawled under the table, how would that help him? How
would that convey my love and concern for him? It would be insulting
and insensitive and crazy.
People we love deserve to have someone to go to if they run into a
problem they need help with. I can guess what would happen to and be
said about a child who ignored his mother and crawled under the table if
the mom had asked for help or expressed a concern.
Children are people we should be spending a lot of time talking to,
listening to and helping because they're new here. Instead it's standard
operating procedure to be short with them, shush them and limit them.
We make them small.
Deb L
to treat
them as less than fully human, and I don't like that.***
I don't like it either.
If I had a party guest who was becoming a problem and I went to my
husband and said "He's belligerent and insulting the others." I'd be
pretty damn disgusted if my husband said "Stop tattling!"
If my husband came home from work with a complaint about a coworker and I
ignored him and crawled under the table, how would that help him? How
would that convey my love and concern for him? It would be insulting
and insensitive and crazy.
People we love deserve to have someone to go to if they run into a
problem they need help with. I can guess what would happen to and be
said about a child who ignored his mother and crawled under the table if
the mom had asked for help or expressed a concern.
Children are people we should be spending a lot of time talking to,
listening to and helping because they're new here. Instead it's standard
operating procedure to be short with them, shush them and limit them.
We make them small.
Deb L
Danielle Conger
=====
When my kids were really little my mom had told me to differentiate
between "tattling" and "reporting" and to make sure that the kids knew
that "reporting" was great for them to do. So that is how I thought of
it, from the beginning. And - lots of times what somebody else calls
"tattling" is really very clearly "reporting," such as "Marc is
throwing sand in the babies' eyes." This is information that the kid
thinks the adult should have.
=====
We've always tried to focus on the person "reporting" and the way
they're feeling. So, instead of so-and-so's-doing-x, I'll try to
redirect the conversation from the person doing x to the reporter: "And
that makes you feel sad/ scared/ angry/ whatever?" I'm not sure where I
got this idea from, but it always seemed important to me to tell about
oneself rather than someone else and to work at identifying the feeling
inside. I think this is how I always differentiated the reporting from
the tattling in my mind. So, a scenario in our home might be Emily or
Julia coming to tell me that Sam is swinging a rope around downstairs. I
would reflect back to them something like, "When Sam swings the rope
like that you're afraid you might get hurt or something might get
broken? Do you need some help in handling it?"
That second question, "Do you need some help in handling it?" is an
important part for us, too. Sometimes we will talk about how they can
handle a problem by themselves, and run different scenarios or things to
say, sometimes they want me to come help. I do differentiate somewhat
between the more interpersonal situations that they might handle by
themselves and more immediate situations, drawing upon groundwork that
we've already done. I'll ask if they've tried to negotiate and what
they've tried and offer suggestions before I jump in as arbiter. Truth
is, however, I'm often in the same room with them, so things don't
usually escalate too far without my intervention. Handling it alone most
often happens with Emily (7) and Julia (almost 6) who share a room, so
often play by themselves and are emotionally adept at problem solving in
ways that my youngest guy isn't yet.
I think a parent who is quick to help negotiate and model important
communication skills when the children are young lays the groundwork for
the kids to be able to handle situations themselves in the future. By
being available and willing to help negotiate, identify the problem and
name the feelings, we give our kids the tools to handle conflict in an
emotionally intelligent way. Telling them to handle conflict without
offering the tools that will help is very much like throwing them in the
water and telling them to swim as we walk away.
--Danielle
PS--Thanks Kelli for the kudos on my article. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
It's also linked off my Opinions page at my website for those who don't
want to download the whole magazine, though it doesn't look as nice
without the mag format *g*:
http://www.danielleconger.com/Homeschool/Rules.html
http://www.danielleconger.com/Homeschool/Welcomehome.html
When my kids were really little my mom had told me to differentiate
between "tattling" and "reporting" and to make sure that the kids knew
that "reporting" was great for them to do. So that is how I thought of
it, from the beginning. And - lots of times what somebody else calls
"tattling" is really very clearly "reporting," such as "Marc is
throwing sand in the babies' eyes." This is information that the kid
thinks the adult should have.
=====
We've always tried to focus on the person "reporting" and the way
they're feeling. So, instead of so-and-so's-doing-x, I'll try to
redirect the conversation from the person doing x to the reporter: "And
that makes you feel sad/ scared/ angry/ whatever?" I'm not sure where I
got this idea from, but it always seemed important to me to tell about
oneself rather than someone else and to work at identifying the feeling
inside. I think this is how I always differentiated the reporting from
the tattling in my mind. So, a scenario in our home might be Emily or
Julia coming to tell me that Sam is swinging a rope around downstairs. I
would reflect back to them something like, "When Sam swings the rope
like that you're afraid you might get hurt or something might get
broken? Do you need some help in handling it?"
That second question, "Do you need some help in handling it?" is an
important part for us, too. Sometimes we will talk about how they can
handle a problem by themselves, and run different scenarios or things to
say, sometimes they want me to come help. I do differentiate somewhat
between the more interpersonal situations that they might handle by
themselves and more immediate situations, drawing upon groundwork that
we've already done. I'll ask if they've tried to negotiate and what
they've tried and offer suggestions before I jump in as arbiter. Truth
is, however, I'm often in the same room with them, so things don't
usually escalate too far without my intervention. Handling it alone most
often happens with Emily (7) and Julia (almost 6) who share a room, so
often play by themselves and are emotionally adept at problem solving in
ways that my youngest guy isn't yet.
I think a parent who is quick to help negotiate and model important
communication skills when the children are young lays the groundwork for
the kids to be able to handle situations themselves in the future. By
being available and willing to help negotiate, identify the problem and
name the feelings, we give our kids the tools to handle conflict in an
emotionally intelligent way. Telling them to handle conflict without
offering the tools that will help is very much like throwing them in the
water and telling them to swim as we walk away.
--Danielle
PS--Thanks Kelli for the kudos on my article. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
It's also linked off my Opinions page at my website for those who don't
want to download the whole magazine, though it doesn't look as nice
without the mag format *g*:
http://www.danielleconger.com/Homeschool/Rules.html
http://www.danielleconger.com/Homeschool/Welcomehome.html
>
>
[email protected]
In a message dated 12/13/04 8:04:30 AM, danielle.conger@... writes:
<< So, instead of so-and-so's-doing-x, I'll try to
redirect the conversation from the person doing x to the reporter: "And
that makes you feel sad/ scared/ angry/ whatever?" I'm not sure where I
got this idea from, but it always seemed important to me to tell about
oneself rather than someone else and to work at identifying the feeling
inside. >>
I think if it's a danger to people or property, it doesn't matter how the
reporting child feels about it. They might be resentful or afraid or sad, but
the behavior was to the point that they got adult help, and the adult help
should appear pretty quickly.
-=-I do differentiate somewhat
between the more interpersonal situations that they might handle by
themselves and more immediate situations, drawing upon groundwork that
we've already done. I'll ask if they've tried to negotiate and what
they've tried and offer suggestions before I jump in as arbiter. -=-
That's good on interpersonal stuff, but on physical stuff or where a third
child is involved, I just go there. If Holly were to come and tell me that
Kirby and Marty were about to come to blows, for example, I wouldn't ask Holly
whether she needed my help or how she felt. If she came and said "Marty hurt my
feelings," I'd talk to her as long as she wanted, and later talk to Marty.
And then probably go back and talk to Holly again eventually, all involving
helping them come to an understanding of why the other person is the way he/she
is, and what different responses and attitudes might help next time.
-=-By being available and willing to help negotiate, identify the problem and
name the feelings, we give our kids the tools to handle conflict in an
emotionally intelligent way. -=-
Yes.
I guess in my head I'm thinkig of reporting physical actions and immediate
dangers, and I don't think it's my kids' jobs to negotiate physical situations
with the other kids. If Marty's up on the roof for no good reason I know of,
that's neither Kirby's responsibility nor Holly's. I still remember my mom
putting me in charge of my little sister when my mom was even right in the house.
It's not good and it's not fair, and my sister was hurt BADLY once when my
mom wasn't out there and I was. It wasn't my fault, my mom said, but I knew my
mom wouldn't have let it happen had she been standing there. So it was my
mom's fault but happened "on my watch," and that wasn't cool for her to do to me.
We had been playing with a big tub of water outside, and my sister was two,
so I was five. She stood on the seat of a little stroller, backwards and was
holding on to the handle, fell forward with her mouth open and cut the inside
roof of her mouth on a rock. She got up on her own and ran to the door of
the house which was only about six feet away, and there was blood running to her
feet by the time my mom came to the door, just seconds later (because she was
screaming horribly). She was in the hospital a couple of days with stitches
in the roof of her mouth and everybody freaking out, while I was left to stay
with a childless aunt and uncle who had not one toy or book. A porch swing
on an upstairs balcony (one of those quad apartments where the entry way has an
apartment on either side, stairs up the middle and two apartments upstairs,
that are or used to be common in Fort Worth where we were, and other such
places).
But what would my mom have expected me to do? I was too little to
physically take my sister down, even if I had known enough to see the danger of the
likelihood of that stroller falling over. Had I walked away to the house I would
probably be in trouble for leaving my sister too close to water.
Partly because of situations like that, I never wanted to leave my children
feeling responsible for siblings, ever. They're not the parents. They don't
have to learn to handle those situations. When I was helpful enough to all of
them, they came to want to help voluntarily, and to react with the same kind
of concern they were receiving when they were unhappy or frustrated.
Sandra
<< So, instead of so-and-so's-doing-x, I'll try to
redirect the conversation from the person doing x to the reporter: "And
that makes you feel sad/ scared/ angry/ whatever?" I'm not sure where I
got this idea from, but it always seemed important to me to tell about
oneself rather than someone else and to work at identifying the feeling
inside. >>
I think if it's a danger to people or property, it doesn't matter how the
reporting child feels about it. They might be resentful or afraid or sad, but
the behavior was to the point that they got adult help, and the adult help
should appear pretty quickly.
-=-I do differentiate somewhat
between the more interpersonal situations that they might handle by
themselves and more immediate situations, drawing upon groundwork that
we've already done. I'll ask if they've tried to negotiate and what
they've tried and offer suggestions before I jump in as arbiter. -=-
That's good on interpersonal stuff, but on physical stuff or where a third
child is involved, I just go there. If Holly were to come and tell me that
Kirby and Marty were about to come to blows, for example, I wouldn't ask Holly
whether she needed my help or how she felt. If she came and said "Marty hurt my
feelings," I'd talk to her as long as she wanted, and later talk to Marty.
And then probably go back and talk to Holly again eventually, all involving
helping them come to an understanding of why the other person is the way he/she
is, and what different responses and attitudes might help next time.
-=-By being available and willing to help negotiate, identify the problem and
name the feelings, we give our kids the tools to handle conflict in an
emotionally intelligent way. -=-
Yes.
I guess in my head I'm thinkig of reporting physical actions and immediate
dangers, and I don't think it's my kids' jobs to negotiate physical situations
with the other kids. If Marty's up on the roof for no good reason I know of,
that's neither Kirby's responsibility nor Holly's. I still remember my mom
putting me in charge of my little sister when my mom was even right in the house.
It's not good and it's not fair, and my sister was hurt BADLY once when my
mom wasn't out there and I was. It wasn't my fault, my mom said, but I knew my
mom wouldn't have let it happen had she been standing there. So it was my
mom's fault but happened "on my watch," and that wasn't cool for her to do to me.
We had been playing with a big tub of water outside, and my sister was two,
so I was five. She stood on the seat of a little stroller, backwards and was
holding on to the handle, fell forward with her mouth open and cut the inside
roof of her mouth on a rock. She got up on her own and ran to the door of
the house which was only about six feet away, and there was blood running to her
feet by the time my mom came to the door, just seconds later (because she was
screaming horribly). She was in the hospital a couple of days with stitches
in the roof of her mouth and everybody freaking out, while I was left to stay
with a childless aunt and uncle who had not one toy or book. A porch swing
on an upstairs balcony (one of those quad apartments where the entry way has an
apartment on either side, stairs up the middle and two apartments upstairs,
that are or used to be common in Fort Worth where we were, and other such
places).
But what would my mom have expected me to do? I was too little to
physically take my sister down, even if I had known enough to see the danger of the
likelihood of that stroller falling over. Had I walked away to the house I would
probably be in trouble for leaving my sister too close to water.
Partly because of situations like that, I never wanted to leave my children
feeling responsible for siblings, ever. They're not the parents. They don't
have to learn to handle those situations. When I was helpful enough to all of
them, they came to want to help voluntarily, and to react with the same kind
of concern they were receiving when they were unhappy or frustrated.
Sandra
Danielle Conger
=====
I think if it's a danger to people or property, it doesn't matter how the
reporting child feels about it. They might be resentful or afraid or sad, but
the behavior was to the point that they got adult help, and the adult help
should appear pretty quickly.
=====
Well, I think it does matter how the child is feeling, especially young
children. Helping them identify their feelings, sort them out, put names
to them, especially in reactionary situations, is really valuable for
lots of reasons: communication, self-awareness, conflict resolution. All
of this can be said while walking to the next room, holding hands or
carrying the child if s/he's really upset. Talking about what's going on
also helps to keep things in a rational perspective for both of us,
helping me stay calm as well, and get some more details. I can't think
of too many scenarios where I've had to be at a full run--in fact, I
can't think of any.
=====
That's good on interpersonal stuff, but on physical stuff or where a third
child is involved, I just go there. If Holly were to come and tell me that
Kirby and Marty were about to come to blows, for example, I wouldn't ask Holly
whether she needed my help or how she felt. If she came and said "Marty hurt my
feelings," I'd talk to her as long as she wanted, and later talk to Marty.
And then probably go back and talk to Holly again eventually, all involving
helping them come to an understanding of why the other person is the way he/she
is, and what different responses and attitudes might help next time.
I guess in my head I'm thinkig of reporting physical actions and immediate
dangers, and I don't think it's my kids' jobs to negotiate physical situations
with the other kids. If Marty's up on the roof for no good reason I know of,
that's neither Kirby's responsibility nor Holly's. I still remember my mom
putting me in charge of my little sister when my mom was even right in the house.
It's not good and it's not fair, and my sister was hurt BADLY once when my
mom wasn't out there and I was. It wasn't my fault, my mom said, but I knew my
mom wouldn't have let it happen had she been standing there. So it was my
mom's fault but happened "on my watch," and that wasn't cool for her to do to me.
======
Which, is why I pointed out that I *differentiate* between the more
interpersonal versus immediate needs. I have three young children (7,
almost 6 and 4), so much of the stuff I'm dealing with on a regular
basis is more about interpersonal and less about someone climbing on a
roof. I don't put my kids in charge of each other--ever. What I'm
talking about is along the lines of "Julia has the Polly Pockets with
the ponytails and I really want her" or "Em and Julia are in their room
and don't want me in there" or "Sam's taking my legos." Helping kids
learn the skills for negotiating the countless interpersonal scenarios
that come up each day is what I'm talking about, not children out on
roofs or drowning in tubs of water. With my kids being so close in age,
there is no way I would put anyone "in charge," but there's lots of
interpersonal negotiation going on *all* day long.
I think, perhaps, too, there's a significant difference between the ages
of the children we're talking about. When my 4 yo or 6 yo come to me,
it's different than an 8 or a 10 or a 12 yo who already has a pretty
good grasp of how she's feeling. Asking the question "And you need my
help?" is more about reflective listening and validating the child's
feelings than about a cynical, eye-brow-raised, "And you really need my
help?" With younger children, at least in my home, there's a lot more
immediate parental presence anyway that makes it possible to intervene
before things come to blows or dire circumstances. The farthest away I
usually am is making dinner.
--Danielle
http://www.danielleconger.com/Homeschool/Welcomehome.html
I think if it's a danger to people or property, it doesn't matter how the
reporting child feels about it. They might be resentful or afraid or sad, but
the behavior was to the point that they got adult help, and the adult help
should appear pretty quickly.
=====
Well, I think it does matter how the child is feeling, especially young
children. Helping them identify their feelings, sort them out, put names
to them, especially in reactionary situations, is really valuable for
lots of reasons: communication, self-awareness, conflict resolution. All
of this can be said while walking to the next room, holding hands or
carrying the child if s/he's really upset. Talking about what's going on
also helps to keep things in a rational perspective for both of us,
helping me stay calm as well, and get some more details. I can't think
of too many scenarios where I've had to be at a full run--in fact, I
can't think of any.
=====
That's good on interpersonal stuff, but on physical stuff or where a third
child is involved, I just go there. If Holly were to come and tell me that
Kirby and Marty were about to come to blows, for example, I wouldn't ask Holly
whether she needed my help or how she felt. If she came and said "Marty hurt my
feelings," I'd talk to her as long as she wanted, and later talk to Marty.
And then probably go back and talk to Holly again eventually, all involving
helping them come to an understanding of why the other person is the way he/she
is, and what different responses and attitudes might help next time.
I guess in my head I'm thinkig of reporting physical actions and immediate
dangers, and I don't think it's my kids' jobs to negotiate physical situations
with the other kids. If Marty's up on the roof for no good reason I know of,
that's neither Kirby's responsibility nor Holly's. I still remember my mom
putting me in charge of my little sister when my mom was even right in the house.
It's not good and it's not fair, and my sister was hurt BADLY once when my
mom wasn't out there and I was. It wasn't my fault, my mom said, but I knew my
mom wouldn't have let it happen had she been standing there. So it was my
mom's fault but happened "on my watch," and that wasn't cool for her to do to me.
======
Which, is why I pointed out that I *differentiate* between the more
interpersonal versus immediate needs. I have three young children (7,
almost 6 and 4), so much of the stuff I'm dealing with on a regular
basis is more about interpersonal and less about someone climbing on a
roof. I don't put my kids in charge of each other--ever. What I'm
talking about is along the lines of "Julia has the Polly Pockets with
the ponytails and I really want her" or "Em and Julia are in their room
and don't want me in there" or "Sam's taking my legos." Helping kids
learn the skills for negotiating the countless interpersonal scenarios
that come up each day is what I'm talking about, not children out on
roofs or drowning in tubs of water. With my kids being so close in age,
there is no way I would put anyone "in charge," but there's lots of
interpersonal negotiation going on *all* day long.
I think, perhaps, too, there's a significant difference between the ages
of the children we're talking about. When my 4 yo or 6 yo come to me,
it's different than an 8 or a 10 or a 12 yo who already has a pretty
good grasp of how she's feeling. Asking the question "And you need my
help?" is more about reflective listening and validating the child's
feelings than about a cynical, eye-brow-raised, "And you really need my
help?" With younger children, at least in my home, there's a lot more
immediate parental presence anyway that makes it possible to intervene
before things come to blows or dire circumstances. The farthest away I
usually am is making dinner.
--Danielle
http://www.danielleconger.com/Homeschool/Welcomehome.html
>
>
Nisha
--- In [email protected], SandraDodd@a... wrote:
I think first that there's a deep problem in wording. "Tattling"
has a bad connotation, and "tattling is bad." "Tattlers" are
bad. So I have never ever used that word with my kids. If they
want to tell me about a problem they're having, or report something
that scared them or that they didn't know how to handle, that's
WONDERFUL. That's what our relationship has been about
> always. It's not "tattling" to come and say "Marc is throwing
sand in the babies' eyes" at the park. It's not "tattling" to
say "Laurie has my bike and won't give it back."
You raise some really great points. WHat we have done so far is to
come up with a definition of tattling and telling. At our house,
tattling is when you are trying to get someone INTO trouble, and
telling is when you are trying to stop trouble. IF you aren't sure,
come tell, because it's better to tell when you shouldn't than to
not tell when you should.
Nisha