diana jenner

Lisa, I want you to know you're not alone. I struggle with my own issues
daily. Luckily, I'm at a place where I can recognize the voice in my head
(the one telling me to limit, create rules, become dictator, or knee-jerk
respond) as one I don't necessarily want to listen to. The voice remains
there, I can choose to turn down the volume, however <bg> Even sometimes as
that voice does sneak out of my mouth, I tell the kids "that's MY issue, not
yours, don't worry about what I just said, here is how we're gonna handle
this: ________" Most of the time, I have to make up, right there on the
spot, how it is we're gonna handle the situation without a voice telling me
what's right. Sometimes, and more often now, I hear a replay of the
Peaceful Parenting tape I picked up at the conference (Richard telling me to
return to breathing and Sandra telling me not to choose until my brain has
given me more than ONE choice). You can create peace for yourself in the
midst of your chaotic moment ~ go to the corner and breathe, breathe in the
JOY you're giving your children and breathe out your self-judgement. The
more you practice, the better you'll get. You must have a peaceful, quiet
place within YOURSELF to return to in order to refill your *tank* so you can
share peace with your family. Hold a family meeting when everyone is happy
and getting along, set up time for you to get your needs met (request some
time during the day as *quiet time* let the kids fill you in on which times
won't work because of favorite show conflicts ~ their needs treated as
important and yours will be too). We've been listening to the tape together
in the car... we've had great talks about taking *time out* when we're
angry, about practicing what's important to us, the importance of breathing.
Not because they were forced to listen, but because it was there and it was
interesting and it applied to where we are right now.
I was also blessed with a copy of "Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind" which is an
amazing insight into beginning the journey toward peace. It's a little book
with great points, perfect to pick up when you're in need of calm but not
calm enough to focus on breathing (the 35 seconds you have before you say
something really horrible, run to the corner and open it anywhere and read).
The nominal cost of the tape (check out Sandra's website for it) and the
trip to the library/used book store to get the book are well worth the
investment into yourself and your family.

~diana :)
Peace is not the absence of tension ~ MLKjr


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Seth W Bartels

first of all, thank you so much for your kind words. it means the world
to me that you've taken the time to voice all of this and reassure me. :)

>The voice remains
>there, I can choose to turn down the volume, however <bg>

i guess i just need to locate my volume knob? ;) i seem to have a
constant stream in my head about how stupid i am and how nothing i ever
do is right, it'd be nice to tun that down to an inaudible level. i know
a lot of my problems stem from my belief that everything undesirable my
kids do is a direct result of me being a bad parent. that's a huge load
of crap. i do need to take responsibility for my own reactions and
choices, but my children should be allowed to make mistakes without me
freaking out. even if it comes out in other ways, i'm still somehow
punishing them by not feeling confident.

>Even sometimes as
>that voice does sneak out of my mouth, I tell the kids "that's >MY
issue, not
>yours, don't worry about what I just said, here is how we're >gonna
handle
>this: ________"

it's often hard for me to recognize where i've gone astray until i've
gone too far. it truly is a complete reprogramming of my responses. and
i need to work harder on not beating myself up so much for making
mistakes. i can do better. it's important to me to give my kids the
gift of a conscious loving mother. :)

>You must have a peaceful, quiet
>place within YOURSELF to return to in order to refill your >*tank* so
you can
>share peace with your family.

this is the hardest part for me. i need to start with myself and let the
rest follow instead of thinking that telling my kids they can watch as
much tv as they want will solve anything. i completely missed the point
in changing things around.

>Hold a family meeting when everyone is happy
>and getting along, set up time for you to get your needs met >>(request
some
>time during the day as *quiet time* let the kids fill you in >on which
times
>won't work because of favorite show conflicts ~ their needs >treated as
>important and yours will be too).

i like this idea. but i'm worried that it will be ill received. i must
have a hard time communicating my feelings in an effective way. no one
seems to want to sit and talk together unless it happens to be their
idea. maybe when we're in the car together, it could more organically
happen. i just want to avoid the scenario of *mommy's having a problem
with something so you need to change your life to accommodate her.*
actually, now that i try to articulate it, i can't find words for what
the problem is. i want them to respect me as much as i respect them
because we're a family and we can work together. i guess i just don't
want to dominate anyone.

>I was also blessed with a copy of "Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind" >which is
an
>amazing insight into beginning the journey toward peace.

that sounds wonderfully soothing. soothing sounds good. i'll look it up
at the library for sure. :) thanks for the recommendation!

just writing all of this helps me clarify a little more what my issues
are. that's the first step in figuring out how to deal with them, i
guess. :)

thanks again,
lisa

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