DH
[email protected]
First of all alittle background so you all can understand what I'm talking
about!
We have 10 acres of land. My DH works a lot of hours to make up for my
not working (out of the house that is)! We have 5 horses, lots of chickens,
cats, a dog, turtles, a cow and a now nonresident 4 ft snake that they found
under a board yesterday. He is happily alive down the road AWAY from my house!
Anyway, we need our boys help. 10 acres might not seem like a lot, but
when there are things to be done, it has to be done. And some nights ds11 just
does not want to do anything to help anyone. On the other hand ds6 shadows
his dad! The fact that Kaleb won't help upsets my husband, around here,
kids are expected to work. That is not my opinion. When DH is at work, I don't
force the boys to do anything. I might ask, but if they aren't up to it,
then fine. But DH on the other hand, tells them they have to help, and it is
getting to be really hard on me to have to watch this go on. Its not like it
happens every single day, and he's not mean or abusive, but he's going
against what I am doing here. I talked to him about unschooling these guys almost
a year ago when we decided this was going to be the way to go. I TRY to
initiate conversations on how unschooling works, and either he just isnt'
interested or he's leaving it all up to me, either way, as long as he doesn't need
their help he is very supportive (even though he appears to be clueless)!
He's a very gentle man, I have to say that for him. A wonderful father too.
But I hate to see Kaleb cry when he has to go out and work. I don't even know
what question to ask. So I'll leave it at HELP!
thanks
Syndi
"...since we can't know what knowledge will be most needed in the future, it
is senseless to try to teach it in advance. Instead, we should try to turn
out people who love learning so much and learn so well that they will be able
to learn whatever needs to be learned."
-- _John Holt_ (http://www.quoteworld.org/author.php?thetext=John+Holt)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
about!
We have 10 acres of land. My DH works a lot of hours to make up for my
not working (out of the house that is)! We have 5 horses, lots of chickens,
cats, a dog, turtles, a cow and a now nonresident 4 ft snake that they found
under a board yesterday. He is happily alive down the road AWAY from my house!
Anyway, we need our boys help. 10 acres might not seem like a lot, but
when there are things to be done, it has to be done. And some nights ds11 just
does not want to do anything to help anyone. On the other hand ds6 shadows
his dad! The fact that Kaleb won't help upsets my husband, around here,
kids are expected to work. That is not my opinion. When DH is at work, I don't
force the boys to do anything. I might ask, but if they aren't up to it,
then fine. But DH on the other hand, tells them they have to help, and it is
getting to be really hard on me to have to watch this go on. Its not like it
happens every single day, and he's not mean or abusive, but he's going
against what I am doing here. I talked to him about unschooling these guys almost
a year ago when we decided this was going to be the way to go. I TRY to
initiate conversations on how unschooling works, and either he just isnt'
interested or he's leaving it all up to me, either way, as long as he doesn't need
their help he is very supportive (even though he appears to be clueless)!
He's a very gentle man, I have to say that for him. A wonderful father too.
But I hate to see Kaleb cry when he has to go out and work. I don't even know
what question to ask. So I'll leave it at HELP!
thanks
Syndi
"...since we can't know what knowledge will be most needed in the future, it
is senseless to try to teach it in advance. Instead, we should try to turn
out people who love learning so much and learn so well that they will be able
to learn whatever needs to be learned."
-- _John Holt_ (http://www.quoteworld.org/author.php?thetext=John+Holt)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Betsy Varga
Our family tries to make unschooling a journey for all of us. If our
children help us around the house, we have more time to give them the
attention they want and need. My husband works all day outside of the home.
I have a chronic illness, so we need our children's help. We do not expect
a lot, but we are asking for mutual respect and picking up after themselves.
We all need to be encouraged by helping each other. We all need some
nurturing in our relationships, both adults and children. If my husband
works all day and then does everything around the house it would be unfair
to him and I think he would become very tired and discouraged, maybe even
depressed.
We own ten acres of land and have many pets. We require our children to
feed and care for the pets because the consequence would be traumatic, not a
learning process. They know that their father works all day to provide for
them and does not have time to do everything without some help. The
children do have a choice to find homes for the animals if they do not want
to care for them. We do help them with chores if they ask for our help.
My mother grew-up here and she had some chickens when she was a child. For
whatever reason, she did not feed them and the adults thought she would
learn responsibility from the experience. The chicks died and my mother did
not learn anything really, but the sadness of the event stuck with her for
her entire life.
Something's just need to be done, but it is good to help children feel a
since of co-operation, mutual respect and some choices in the matter. Maybe
if your son could choose from a list of chores or choose to get it done
before dad gets home, maybe a race against time or as a surprise for his
father. I wonder why he cries? Is he afraid, confused or frustrated?
Could you go out with them and make it a fun family affair?
I read a book about five love languages (words of affirmation, physical
touch, quality time, acts of service, and gifts).
Maybe one child enjoys the quality time with dad while the other child does
not feel that his needs are being met.
We have spent a lot of time with two Amish families. Children start helping
out as soon as they can walk. It is amazing how the children co-operate
because they are included in the work. The parents use love, direction and
constant attention, but I never see them punished or forced to work. The
children seem to know there part in the family and help out willingly.
We request our children's help and do not demand it. Sometimes they just
need a little time and then they are willing help out. Their rooms and
their laundry is up to them, they deal with those things when they see fit.
The pets are non-negotiable, because they are dependents. My son cooks
because he wants to be a chef. We never force him to cook, but fortunately
he loves it and won't let me in the kitchen, because that is his space. We
are very blessed to have a child that loves to cook and is very gifted it
that area. Is there something your son would enjoy doing to help, so it
didn't seem like work?
children help us around the house, we have more time to give them the
attention they want and need. My husband works all day outside of the home.
I have a chronic illness, so we need our children's help. We do not expect
a lot, but we are asking for mutual respect and picking up after themselves.
We all need to be encouraged by helping each other. We all need some
nurturing in our relationships, both adults and children. If my husband
works all day and then does everything around the house it would be unfair
to him and I think he would become very tired and discouraged, maybe even
depressed.
We own ten acres of land and have many pets. We require our children to
feed and care for the pets because the consequence would be traumatic, not a
learning process. They know that their father works all day to provide for
them and does not have time to do everything without some help. The
children do have a choice to find homes for the animals if they do not want
to care for them. We do help them with chores if they ask for our help.
My mother grew-up here and she had some chickens when she was a child. For
whatever reason, she did not feed them and the adults thought she would
learn responsibility from the experience. The chicks died and my mother did
not learn anything really, but the sadness of the event stuck with her for
her entire life.
Something's just need to be done, but it is good to help children feel a
since of co-operation, mutual respect and some choices in the matter. Maybe
if your son could choose from a list of chores or choose to get it done
before dad gets home, maybe a race against time or as a surprise for his
father. I wonder why he cries? Is he afraid, confused or frustrated?
Could you go out with them and make it a fun family affair?
I read a book about five love languages (words of affirmation, physical
touch, quality time, acts of service, and gifts).
Maybe one child enjoys the quality time with dad while the other child does
not feel that his needs are being met.
We have spent a lot of time with two Amish families. Children start helping
out as soon as they can walk. It is amazing how the children co-operate
because they are included in the work. The parents use love, direction and
constant attention, but I never see them punished or forced to work. The
children seem to know there part in the family and help out willingly.
We request our children's help and do not demand it. Sometimes they just
need a little time and then they are willing help out. Their rooms and
their laundry is up to them, they deal with those things when they see fit.
The pets are non-negotiable, because they are dependents. My son cooks
because he wants to be a chef. We never force him to cook, but fortunately
he loves it and won't let me in the kitchen, because that is his space. We
are very blessed to have a child that loves to cook and is very gifted it
that area. Is there something your son would enjoy doing to help, so it
didn't seem like work?
[email protected]
In a message dated 6/25/2004 3:53:29 PM Central Daylight Time,
blvarga@... writes:
My son cooks
because he wants to be a chef. We never force him to cook, but fortunately
he loves it and won't let me in the kitchen, because that is his space. We
are very blessed to have a child that loves to cook and is very gifted it
that area. Is there something your son would enjoy doing to help, so it
didn't seem like work?
Yes, he loves to cook too! Woke up to eggs and toast already made this
morning! He does seem to be taking over my kitchen, like you son has. And if he
does, I won't mind a bit!
"...since we can't know what knowledge will be most needed in the future, it
is senseless to try to teach it in advance. Instead, we should try to turn
out people who love learning so much and learn so well that they will be able
to learn whatever needs to be learned."
-- _John Holt_ (http://www.quoteworld.org/author.php?thetext=John+Holt)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
blvarga@... writes:
My son cooks
because he wants to be a chef. We never force him to cook, but fortunately
he loves it and won't let me in the kitchen, because that is his space. We
are very blessed to have a child that loves to cook and is very gifted it
that area. Is there something your son would enjoy doing to help, so it
didn't seem like work?
Yes, he loves to cook too! Woke up to eggs and toast already made this
morning! He does seem to be taking over my kitchen, like you son has. And if he
does, I won't mind a bit!
"...since we can't know what knowledge will be most needed in the future, it
is senseless to try to teach it in advance. Instead, we should try to turn
out people who love learning so much and learn so well that they will be able
to learn whatever needs to be learned."
-- _John Holt_ (http://www.quoteworld.org/author.php?thetext=John+Holt)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
> kjl8@... (Kiersten Pasciak) on 5/14/2006 8:50:45 PM Eastern DaylightTime wrote :
>>>"I haven't gotten throught the whole thread yet, so if someone has saidthis already, please ignore. We go through bouts of this in our home. Our kids
are up late too and dh is the only one with an actual schedule who has to go to
work. I think it is difficult for him to be the one on the schedule and not
get down time (or cave time as it's called in the Mars/Venus books)<<"
***LOL, I love the term "cave time". I have to agree with you. I'm sure it
would be frustrating to get up really early, go to work all day, and (possibly)
come home to someone (or your whole family!!!? huh???!!!) not being respectful
of that alone time or your sleep time, etc.?! Wow, how unkind! I wouldn't do
that to my dh or my kids and he, would never do that to us. That would just
not be cool to do to someone that you love and respect. Being that this is a
"family" (including dh) and we are trying to respect each other in this family,
our dd's wouldn't want to do that to their Dad either! ****
>>> His frustration may really mean he wants more time with you. <<<**** That's probably got a lot to do with it. But, is there ever that much
alone time when your kids are young?! :o) Unschooling or not, when kids are
young, they are busy and in need! :o) I know when our kids were younger (they are
11& 12 at home & 21 on his own now) having some nice alone time (or a decent
nights sleep for that matter!) was easier said than done! But we both needed
that time, it was and still is a mutual thing. <g!> We love down time/alone time
around here and our kids are aware of that, (they like it too) but, not b/c
we *tell* them, "HEY, WE WANT ALONE/DOWN TIME!". It's b/c they just *know* from
growing within the family. We each enjoy time as a family, alone time, and
(for dh and I) time as a couple. Heck, the girls like time alone with each other
too. It's all a part of life for us and the girls don't know any other way.
It's just normal, not a *fight* or *argument* to *get* alone time or sleep time
for that matter! (ick! that would suck if I felt I had to argue or complain
for a good nights sleep, etc.)
We have always loved when the girls come in our room and chill out with us.
(they were just in there with us last night and one ended up crashing on the
floor pillows) BUT, they LOVE to chill out in their own rooms also, a lot of
times alone so they can *relate* to what "alone time", "down time" or "sleep
time" means for a person.
I guess you just have to work at all this "being a family business" one day
at a time and try to grow towards a common ground for everyone concerned. Some
good things just take time. ****
Nancy
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]