Melissa

My seven yo is really causing me concern....and I don't know how to
handle it. For those of you who don't know us, we have seven kids,
big house, lots of love. My other kids haven't ever had this problem.
She's always had some personality traits that concern me, but this is
too far.

She cheats at nearly every game we play, for example last night we
were playing monopoly and not only was she stealing money and
property cards from everyone, she would move her token when she
thought no one was looking. This has been going on for a while, and I
have no idea what purpose it serves. She 'finds' money laying around
and claims it as her own. She was stealing money from ME and only
stopped the last time we went to the store and she asked for a soda
and I said I didn't have enough money. That hasn't stopped her from
getting into the other kids penny banks or wallets. She gets a
regular allowance, we buy her things when she asks for it, but
nothing is ever enough. She doesn't even spend it, she just likes
saving it up to say she has x dollars. And right now she's FURIOUS
because her big brother got a bunch of cash for his birthday. She
cannot *stand* the fact that he has more money than she does.

For a while whenever I caught her, I would just assume it was a
misunderstanding or an accident (although how you accidently work a
connect four token back up the grid or accidently slip five bucks out
of brother's wallet I have no idea) Last night with monopoly I just
told her that I was having no fun playing when people were changing
things behind my back and we put it up. Well, today we wanted to play
again, but she was doing the same thing, taking money from other
peoples piles, moving her token, lying about who's turn it was or
whether or not someone had paid her or she paid them. Just on and on.
I can't stand it anymore! It just makes me sick to my stomach.

If anyone has insight as to why she could be doing this, and some
appropriate ways for ME to deal, I'd appreciate it. Her brother's
ready to kill her because she keeps whining about how much money he
has, and can she have some, and will he buy her something. She has
something like $20 saved now, but won't buy anything with it. She
just wants more.

sigh
Melissa

[email protected]

I'm sorry, Melissa. That sounds tough.

My only thought is have you done some validating and/or responsive listening
with her? Like "it is so hard when your big brother gets cash for his
birthday and your birthday isn't for quite awhile" or "it seems like you want all
that monopoly money for yourself" and see what she says. That helps my
kids, and sometimes that's all it takes.

I also wonder if it is a bit of an age/stage, too. My son has recently come
from a period of wanting it all and right now! Perhaps they all go through
this in their own way.

I'm looking forward to everyone's responses!

Leslie in SC


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Joyce Fetteroll

On Feb 7, 2006, at 12:01 PM, Melissa wrote:

> If anyone has insight as to why she could be doing this, and some
> appropriate ways for ME to deal, I'd appreciate it.

Have you talked to her separate from the occurrences? Rather than
confronting her when something has happened which can lead to a "Yes
you did," "No I didn't" battle of wills, talk about the consequences
of stealing: that people don't trust her anymore, and of cheating:
that it isn't fun for others and they aren't going to want to play
with her.

Ask her why she does it. If she won't or can't say, tell her you're
there available for her when she wants to talk about it.

> She has
> something like $20 saved now, but won't buy anything with it. She
> just wants more.

My daughter spent most of her preteen years wanting more and more.
Lots and lots of stuffed animals was the primary thing. Pokemon
cards. Pokemon figures. She never met a thing she didn't want to
collect. Rocks. Leaves. Bits of plastic. Pens. (She's on her 3rd shoe
box of pens ... black pens ... that work. We live next to the high
school and she's never returned from a walk around it without a
handful of pens or pencils ;-) And she wanted a lot of things like
video games that were pretty expensive and would take her a long time
to save up for even though her allowance was pretty generous.

At puberty it started tapering off and now I've seen her actually
throw away pens that don't work. ;-)

Joyce

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Joanne

Hi Melissa.

I went through this with my older two when they moved in with us.
Being raised in foster care had them very needy (not from lack of
stuff, from lack of security) and stealing and cheating was
something that they saw no wrong in. They had a very hard time
putting themselves in someone's place and didn't quite care that
they were hurting someone else with their actions.

**Disclaimer: My parenting ways come from having two children with
attachment disorder and some of my tactics are to, first, help my
children heal from past hurt and trauma and, second, help them have
emotional attachment to the rest of the family. I can only speak for
my family and how we deal with it**

First thing we did was have a family meeting. We talked about being
able to live in a home that is safe for everyone and that respecting
each other was important to us. I knew that it would be a long time
before that way of living became a part of who they are but we still
talked about it and led by example.

The biggest obstacle we're been trying to overcome is their lack of
cause and effect and their lack of empathy. Because of their
lifestyle before us adopting them, they don't give thought to how
their actions affect the rest of the family. What I have done, and I
found this to he the only thing that has been helping, is to talk
about it, as a family, each time it happens. Whoever the "victim" is
(usually my youngest) talks about how she feels when their sibling
steals from them, how they don't feel respected in their home, how
they don't trust that sibling because of what they did. I validate
their feelings and talk about how I felt when a friend of mine stole
something from me. After that, the one who did the stealing (or
whatever it was) gets their chance to explain/apologise/offer
restitution, etc.

It's been my experience that when my older two steal and cheat, they
don't give thought to how it makes the other person feel and that is
the way I approach this. Their stealing is an emotional issue. it
comes from not having enough love, trust & security in their lives.
When they were in foster care they were given so much stuff and now
they think that money and material things are what they need to make
them feel good about themselves.

Anyway...hang in there. I know it's tough. Maybe like someone else
said, it's the age. I don't know, my 7 year old doesn't steal or
cheat. She's doesn't have reason to.

~ Joanne ~
Mom to Jacqueline (7), Shawna (10) & Cimion (13)
Adopted into our hearts October 30, 2003
http://anunschoolinglife.blogspot.com/




--- In [email protected], Melissa <autismhelp@...>
wrote:
>
> My seven yo is really causing me concern....and I don't know how
to
> handle it. For those of you who don't know us, we have seven
kids,
> big house, lots of love. My other kids haven't ever had this
problem.
> She's always had some personality traits that concern me, but this
is
> too far.
>
> She cheats at nearly every game we play, for example last night
we
> were playing monopoly and not only was she stealing money and
> property cards from everyone, she would move her token when she
> thought no one was looking. This has been going on for a while,
and I
> have no idea what purpose it serves. She 'finds' money laying
around
> and claims it as her own. She was stealing money from ME and only
> stopped the last time we went to the store and she asked for a
soda
> and I said I didn't have enough money. That hasn't stopped her
from
> getting into the other kids penny banks or wallets. She gets a
> regular allowance, we buy her things when she asks for it, but
> nothing is ever enough. She doesn't even spend it, she just likes
> saving it up to say she has x dollars. And right now she's
FURIOUS
> because her big brother got a bunch of cash for his birthday. She
> cannot *stand* the fact that he has more money than she does.
>
> For a while whenever I caught her, I would just assume it was a
> misunderstanding or an accident (although how you accidently work
a
> connect four token back up the grid or accidently slip five bucks
out
> of brother's wallet I have no idea) Last night with monopoly I
just
> told her that I was having no fun playing when people were
changing
> things behind my back and we put it up. Well, today we wanted to
play
> again, but she was doing the same thing, taking money from other
> peoples piles, moving her token, lying about who's turn it was or
> whether or not someone had paid her or she paid them. Just on and
on.
> I can't stand it anymore! It just makes me sick to my stomach.
>
> If anyone has insight as to why she could be doing this, and some
> appropriate ways for ME to deal, I'd appreciate it. Her brother's
> ready to kill her because she keeps whining about how much money
he
> has, and can she have some, and will he buy her something. She
has
> something like $20 saved now, but won't buy anything with it. She
> just wants more.
>
> sigh
> Melissa
>

Joanne

Melissa...I also wanted to add...

When my two oldest steal or cheat, at out family meetings, I let the
one who was wronged do most of the talking. Coming from me, it
sounds like reprimanding but coming from the person who had
something stole from them, adds the emotional side that is needed to
make the connection that they lack.

I talk to my oldest two at different times, when everything is calm
and nothing is happeneing. We talk about how important is is to be
trustworthy and what it means to be in a family.

~ Joanne ~
Mom to Jacqueline (7), Shawna (10) & Cimion (13)
Adopted into our hearts October 30, 2003
http://anunschoolinglife.blogspot.com/


--- In [email protected], "Joanne"
<billyandjoanne@...> wrote:
>
> Hi Melissa.
>
> I went through this with my older two when they moved in with us.
> Being raised in foster care had them very needy (not from lack of
> stuff, from lack of security) and stealing and cheating was
> something that they saw no wrong in. They had a very hard time
> putting themselves in someone's place and didn't quite care that
> they were hurting someone else with their actions.
>
> **Disclaimer: My parenting ways come from having two children with
> attachment disorder and some of my tactics are to, first, help my
> children heal from past hurt and trauma and, second, help them
have
> emotional attachment to the rest of the family. I can only speak
for
> my family and how we deal with it**
>
> First thing we did was have a family meeting. We talked about
being
> able to live in a home that is safe for everyone and that
respecting
> each other was important to us. I knew that it would be a long
time
> before that way of living became a part of who they are but we
still
> talked about it and led by example.
>
> The biggest obstacle we're been trying to overcome is their lack
of
> cause and effect and their lack of empathy. Because of their
> lifestyle before us adopting them, they don't give thought to how
> their actions affect the rest of the family. What I have done, and
I
> found this to he the only thing that has been helping, is to talk
> about it, as a family, each time it happens. Whoever the "victim"
is
> (usually my youngest) talks about how she feels when their sibling
> steals from them, how they don't feel respected in their home, how
> they don't trust that sibling because of what they did. I validate
> their feelings and talk about how I felt when a friend of mine
stole
> something from me. After that, the one who did the stealing (or
> whatever it was) gets their chance to explain/apologise/offer
> restitution, etc.
>
> It's been my experience that when my older two steal and cheat,
they
> don't give thought to how it makes the other person feel and that
is
> the way I approach this. Their stealing is an emotional issue. it
> comes from not having enough love, trust & security in their
lives.
> When they were in foster care they were given so much stuff and
now
> they think that money and material things are what they need to
make
> them feel good about themselves.
>
> Anyway...hang in there. I know it's tough. Maybe like someone else
> said, it's the age. I don't know, my 7 year old doesn't steal or
> cheat. She's doesn't have reason to.
>
> ~ Joanne ~
> Mom to Jacqueline (7), Shawna (10) & Cimion (13)
> Adopted into our hearts October 30, 2003
> http://anunschoolinglife.blogspot.com/
>
>
>
>
> --- In [email protected], Melissa <autismhelp@>
> wrote:
> >
> > My seven yo is really causing me concern....and I don't know how
> to
> > handle it. For those of you who don't know us, we have seven
> kids,
> > big house, lots of love. My other kids haven't ever had this
> problem.
> > She's always had some personality traits that concern me, but
this
> is
> > too far.
> >
> > She cheats at nearly every game we play, for example last night
> we
> > were playing monopoly and not only was she stealing money and
> > property cards from everyone, she would move her token when she
> > thought no one was looking. This has been going on for a while,
> and I
> > have no idea what purpose it serves. She 'finds' money laying
> around
> > and claims it as her own. She was stealing money from ME and
only
> > stopped the last time we went to the store and she asked for a
> soda
> > and I said I didn't have enough money. That hasn't stopped her
> from
> > getting into the other kids penny banks or wallets. She gets a
> > regular allowance, we buy her things when she asks for it, but
> > nothing is ever enough. She doesn't even spend it, she just
likes
> > saving it up to say she has x dollars. And right now she's
> FURIOUS
> > because her big brother got a bunch of cash for his birthday.
She
> > cannot *stand* the fact that he has more money than she does.
> >
> > For a while whenever I caught her, I would just assume it was a
> > misunderstanding or an accident (although how you accidently
work
> a
> > connect four token back up the grid or accidently slip five
bucks
> out
> > of brother's wallet I have no idea) Last night with monopoly I
> just
> > told her that I was having no fun playing when people were
> changing
> > things behind my back and we put it up. Well, today we wanted to
> play
> > again, but she was doing the same thing, taking money from
other
> > peoples piles, moving her token, lying about who's turn it was
or
> > whether or not someone had paid her or she paid them. Just on
and
> on.
> > I can't stand it anymore! It just makes me sick to my stomach.
> >
> > If anyone has insight as to why she could be doing this, and
some
> > appropriate ways for ME to deal, I'd appreciate it. Her
brother's
> > ready to kill her because she keeps whining about how much money
> he
> > has, and can she have some, and will he buy her something. She
> has
> > something like $20 saved now, but won't buy anything with it.
She
> > just wants more.
> >
> > sigh
> > Melissa
> >
>

Joanne

*This may come through twice. If it does, I apologise*

Hi Melissa,

I wanted to add one more thing that I think is important, at least
in my family.

When a stealing or cheating incident occurs, I let the one who had
the wrong doing done to them, do most of the talking at the family
meetings. Coming from me, it just sounds like reprimanding or
scolding but coming from them, adds the emotional side that is
needed.

Also, I talk to the older two at off times (not when we have an
issue) about how important is is to be trustworthy and how respect
helps a family feel secure.

~ Joanne ~
Mom to Jacqueline (7), Shawna (10) & Cimion (13)
Adopted into our hearts October 30, 2003
http://anunschoolinglife.blogspot.com/



--- In [email protected], "Joanne"
<billyandjoanne@...> wrote:
>
> Hi Melissa.
>
> I went through this with my older two when they moved in with us.
> Being raised in foster care had them very needy (not from lack of
> stuff, from lack of security) and stealing and cheating was
> something that they saw no wrong in. They had a very hard time
> putting themselves in someone's place and didn't quite care that
> they were hurting someone else with their actions.
>
> **Disclaimer: My parenting ways come from having two children with
> attachment disorder and some of my tactics are to, first, help my
> children heal from past hurt and trauma and, second, help them
have
> emotional attachment to the rest of the family. I can only speak
for
> my family and how we deal with it**
>
> First thing we did was have a family meeting. We talked about
being
> able to live in a home that is safe for everyone and that
respecting
> each other was important to us. I knew that it would be a long
time
> before that way of living became a part of who they are but we
still
> talked about it and led by example.
>
> The biggest obstacle we're been trying to overcome is their lack
of
> cause and effect and their lack of empathy. Because of their
> lifestyle before us adopting them, they don't give thought to how
> their actions affect the rest of the family. What I have done, and
I
> found this to he the only thing that has been helping, is to talk
> about it, as a family, each time it happens. Whoever the "victim"
is
> (usually my youngest) talks about how she feels when their sibling
> steals from them, how they don't feel respected in their home, how
> they don't trust that sibling because of what they did. I validate
> their feelings and talk about how I felt when a friend of mine
stole
> something from me. After that, the one who did the stealing (or
> whatever it was) gets their chance to explain/apologise/offer
> restitution, etc.
>
> It's been my experience that when my older two steal and cheat,
they
> don't give thought to how it makes the other person feel and that
is
> the way I approach this. Their stealing is an emotional issue. it
> comes from not having enough love, trust & security in their
lives.
> When they were in foster care they were given so much stuff and
now
> they think that money and material things are what they need to
make
> them feel good about themselves.
>
> Anyway...hang in there. I know it's tough. Maybe like someone else
> said, it's the age. I don't know, my 7 year old doesn't steal or
> cheat. She's doesn't have reason to.
>
> ~ Joanne ~
> Mom to Jacqueline (7), Shawna (10) & Cimion (13)
> Adopted into our hearts October 30, 2003
> http://anunschoolinglife.blogspot.com/
>
>
>
>
> --- In [email protected], Melissa <autismhelp@>
> wrote:
> >
> > My seven yo is really causing me concern....and I don't know how
> to
> > handle it. For those of you who don't know us, we have seven
> kids,
> > big house, lots of love. My other kids haven't ever had this
> problem.
> > She's always had some personality traits that concern me, but
this
> is
> > too far.
> >
> > She cheats at nearly every game we play, for example last night
> we
> > were playing monopoly and not only was she stealing money and
> > property cards from everyone, she would move her token when she
> > thought no one was looking. This has been going on for a while,
> and I
> > have no idea what purpose it serves. She 'finds' money laying
> around
> > and claims it as her own. She was stealing money from ME and
only
> > stopped the last time we went to the store and she asked for a
> soda
> > and I said I didn't have enough money. That hasn't stopped her
> from
> > getting into the other kids penny banks or wallets. She gets a
> > regular allowance, we buy her things when she asks for it, but
> > nothing is ever enough. She doesn't even spend it, she just
likes
> > saving it up to say she has x dollars. And right now she's
> FURIOUS
> > because her big brother got a bunch of cash for his birthday.
She
> > cannot *stand* the fact that he has more money than she does.
> >
> > For a while whenever I caught her, I would just assume it was a
> > misunderstanding or an accident (although how you accidently
work
> a
> > connect four token back up the grid or accidently slip five
bucks
> out
> > of brother's wallet I have no idea) Last night with monopoly I
> just
> > told her that I was having no fun playing when people were
> changing
> > things behind my back and we put it up. Well, today we wanted to
> play
> > again, but she was doing the same thing, taking money from
other
> > peoples piles, moving her token, lying about who's turn it was
or
> > whether or not someone had paid her or she paid them. Just on
and
> on.
> > I can't stand it anymore! It just makes me sick to my stomach.
> >
> > If anyone has insight as to why she could be doing this, and
some
> > appropriate ways for ME to deal, I'd appreciate it. Her
brother's
> > ready to kill her because she keeps whining about how much money
> he
> > has, and can she have some, and will he buy her something. She
> has
> > something like $20 saved now, but won't buy anything with it.
She
> > just wants more.
> >
> > sigh
> > Melissa
> >
>

Ren Allen

I had to walk away from this one, to ponder for a while and let the
whole situation you're dealing with swirl around in my mind.

Here's what came to me. First of all, she's being treated as flawed
through these experiences. Instead of focusing on her cheating and
stealing, focus on what she NEEDS. She needs to not play those kind of
games probably. She needs games where there is no loser or winner.
There are loads of great alternatives to games like that.

We have the "ungame" and a book called "Everybody Wins", full of great
cooperative games. You can explain to her that when everyone plays
Monopoly, they want to play by the rules, but that you would be
willing to play with her and SHE gets to make all the rules.
That might fulfill her desire to be "the best" or "winner".
I know it was VERY hard for me to lose at those games when I was
younger, I hated it. I would cheat in a second if I could....but it
wasn't some personality flaw, it was just a stage and lack of experience.

As far as the stealing part, it really sounds like part of the whole
desire to be "the best" thing. Some people have STRONG urges that way,
it will make her a winner later in life when her desires are tempered
with experience. Try to see these issues as part of her personality
traits. They can be positive traits, or negative. It's your job to
help her find positive ways to express these desires.....and help keep
everyone's money safe at the same time!!!:)

Can she earn some extra money around the house, by doing some side
jobs? She might be very motivated to do some work for pay, she sound
like a very strong and driven young lady!!:)
No, she can't take other people's money, I would make that very clear
(as you have) but also offer her ways to get it honestly. She wants
more than you're giving her, that's a valid desire.
I hated being dependent upon my parents for money...it made me feel
helpless and out of control. I NEEDED to earn my own money and have
control over it. She may need the same thing.
I don't like other people deciding how much money I get either!;)

Try to see these things as very real needs and desires. Find a way to
help her attain them honestly and help her understand the need for
trust. She needs to trust that she can attain what she needs without
fear of guilt or shame and the family needs to trust her to leave
their stuff alone!!:)
Don't focus too much on the whole "cheating" and "stealing" thing.
Focus on personal boundaries, helping her respect those and finding
ways to honor her. I understand it's frustrating, but she knows you
see her as flawed right now...that won't help her grow beyong this and
feel positive about her very real desires.

Ren
learninginfreedom.com

[email protected]

<<She just wants more....>>

As you said, you have 7 kids. We have 5. It is so easy to feel like you are getting lost in the midst of all the hustle and bustle. You could have been describing my 7yo at times. To be honest, I have punished him when he took things from the other kids. It didn't help.

What has seemed to help is to help him figure out his identity within the family. I thought about what it was that he does that is really positive, really helpful and adds joy to the family. Then I REALLY talked it up....not fake but made sure to mention that he "is the one that does such and such." I don't know if he found his place or simply matured but things did get better.

Julie S.

----- Original Message -----
From: Melissa <autismhelp@...>
Date: Tuesday, February 7, 2006 11:01 am
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] question about stealing

> My seven yo is really causing me concern....and I don't know how
> to
> handle it. For those of you who don't know us, we have seven kids,
>
> big house, lots of love. My other kids haven't ever had this
> problem.
> She's always had some personality traits that concern me, but this
> is
> too far.
>
> She cheats at nearly every game we play, for example last night we
>
> were playing monopoly and not only was she stealing money and
> property cards from everyone, she would move her token when she
> thought no one was looking. This has been going on for a while,
> and I
> have no idea what purpose it serves. She 'finds' money laying
> around
> and claims it as her own. She was stealing money from ME and only
> stopped the last time we went to the store and she asked for a
> soda
> and I said I didn't have enough money. That hasn't stopped her
> from
> getting into the other kids penny banks or wallets. She gets a
> regular allowance, we buy her things when she asks for it, but
> nothing is ever enough. She doesn't even spend it, she just likes
> saving it up to say she has x dollars. And right now she's FURIOUS
>
> because her big brother got a bunch of cash for his birthday. She
> cannot *stand* the fact that he has more money than she does.
>
> For a while whenever I caught her, I would just assume it was a
> misunderstanding or an accident (although how you accidently work
> a
> connect four token back up the grid or accidently slip five bucks
> out
> of brother's wallet I have no idea) Last night with monopoly I
> just
> told her that I was having no fun playing when people were
> changing
> things behind my back and we put it up. Well, today we wanted to
> play
> again, but she was doing the same thing, taking money from other
> peoples piles, moving her token, lying about who's turn it was or
> whether or not someone had paid her or she paid them. Just on and
> on.
> I can't stand it anymore! It just makes me sick to my stomach.
>
> If anyone has insight as to why she could be doing this, and some
> appropriate ways for ME to deal, I'd appreciate it. Her brother's
> ready to kill her because she keeps whining about how much money
> he
> has, and can she have some, and will he buy her something. She has
>
> something like $20 saved now, but won't buy anything with it. She
> just wants more.
>
> sigh
> Melissa
>
>
>
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

Krisula Moyer

>>>>Date: Tue, 7 Feb 2006 11:01:01 -0600

From: Melissa <autismhelp@...>

Subject: question about stealing

My seven yo is really causing me concern....and I don't know how to

handle it. For those of you who don't know us, we have seven kids,

big house, lots of love. My other kids haven't ever had this problem.

She's always had some personality traits that concern me, but this is

too far.<<<<

Take a nice deep breath. Both my dd's went through the cheating thing and
really, the less seriously you take that the better. I liked the idea you
had of explaining that the game isn't fun if there is cheating going on. We
did that too, although there was always a clean slate the next time she
wanted to play. Eventually they both grew out of it. One at 9 the other
one, precociously at 5. But really, board games are an excellent venue to
make those mistakes and learn those lessons. The stakes aren't that high in
momopoly money. Y'know? I'd say give her as many chances to learn that as
she needs.

The stealing (actual) money is trickier because it wears on the family trust
and sibling relationships. Still, if you and the rest of the family can
avoid villifying her and compounding the problem she will grow out of it
-that's given that she's growing up in an loving home that values honesty
etc. - gotta assume that :-) Though maybe she has experiences of sibs not
treating her fairly and she's trying her hand at cheating/stealing to see
how it feels to be on the other side? Purely speculation on my part but
worth a look.

I don't have advice for how to handle it in the mean time. (though I'm sure
you'll get good ideas from those wiser than I on this list.) But however you
handle it, make sure you're finding ways to express to her how much you
love, care for and believe in her. Remind her of her finer qualities.

Krisula





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Melissa

Thanks, we really do celebrate her individuality...she's an awesome
girl with lots going on. But she is also the first one (she's number
three) to have this developmental stage. Maybe I just need
reassurance to breath through it.

Melissa
On Feb 7, 2006, at 8:55 PM, jnjstau@... wrote:

> <<She just wants more....>>
>
> As you said, you have 7 kids. We have 5. It is so easy to feel
> like you are getting lost in the midst of all the hustle and
> bustle. You could have been describing my 7yo at times. To be
> honest, I have punished him when he took things from the other
> kids. It didn't help.
>
> What has seemed to help is to help him figure out his identity
> within the family. I thought about what it was that he does that
> is really positive, really helpful and adds joy to the family.
> Then I REALLY talked it up....not fake but made sure to mention
> that he "is the one that does such and such." I don't know if he
> found his place or simply matured but things did get better.

Melissa

Thanks Krisula, for your reply.

Melissa
On Feb 7, 2006, at 9:58 PM, Krisula Moyer wrote:
>
> I don't have advice for how to handle it in the mean time. (though
> I'm sure
> you'll get good ideas from those wiser than I on this list.) But
> however you
> handle it, make sure you're finding ways to express to her how much
> you
> love, care for and believe in her. Remind her of her finer qualities.
>

Melissa

Joanne,
thank you for your heartfelt post. It's obvious that you have a lot
on your plate due to attachment disorders, and I appreciate your
insight. Part of my insecurity is probably due to my concerns of how
having such a severely disabled sibling could be affecting her
development. I've always kept in my mind that behavior does not just
happen, there is always an underlying cause. So I'm still trying to
figure out the cause.
Anyway, I needed some help for me...and I appreciate it. Now back to
Tom and Jerry.
:-)
Melissa
>
> It's been my experience that when my older two steal and cheat, they
> don't give thought to how it makes the other person feel and that is
> the way I approach this. Their stealing is an emotional issue. it
> comes from not having enough love, trust & security in their lives.
> When they were in foster care they were given so much stuff and now
> they think that money and material things are what they need to make
> them feel good about themselves.
>
> Anyway...hang in there. I know it's tough. Maybe like someone else
> said, it's the age. I don't know, my 7 year old doesn't steal or
> cheat. She's doesn't have reason to.

Melissa

thanks Leslie, I like to think that i'm pretty good at validating. It
would help if another grown up could just observe our days and tell
me what to do, kwim?
I'm going to focus alot on that validation, probably using your
words ;-) if you don't mind. I'm sure we'll be playing monopoly or
life sometime today.

Melissa
On Feb 7, 2006, at 11:11 AM, Leslie530@... wrote:

> I'm sorry, Melissa. That sounds tough.
>
> My only thought is have you done some validating and/or responsive
> listening
> with her? Like "it is so hard when your big brother gets cash for
> his
> birthday and your birthday isn't for quite awhile" or "it seems
> like you want all
> that monopoly money for yourself" and see what she says. That
> helps my
> kids, and sometimes that's all it takes.
>
> I also wonder if it is a bit of an age/stage, too. My son has
> recently come
> from a period of wanting it all and right now! Perhaps they all
> go through
> this in their own way.
>
> I'm looking forward to everyone's responses!
>
> Leslie in SC
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Joanne

--- In [email protected], Melissa <autismhelp@...>
wrote:
>>>Joanne, thank you for your heartfelt post. It's obvious that you
have a lot on your plate due to attachment disorders, and I
appreciate your insight. Part of my insecurity is probably due to my
concerns of how having such a severely disabled sibling could be
affecting her development. I've always kept in my mind that behavior
does not just happen, there is always an underlying cause. So I'm
still trying to iigure out the cause.>>>>

When we went through our adoptive parents training, there were
posters everywhere with this message:

Behavior is the language of a childs emotion.

I always try to remember that when dealing with Cimion & Shawna.

Good luck with this!

~ Joanne ~
Mom to Jacqueline (7), Shawna (10) & Cimion (13)
Adopted into our hearts October 30, 2003
http://anunschoolinglife.blogspot.com/
http://foreverparents.com