Ren Allen

"3) How do you deal with conflict in your homes? I understand that with
mutual respect the ideal will be that conflict is hardly experienced but
with varying personalities in a household there is bound to be some."

I really wanted to answer about all the questions on kids fighting,
but I find it exhausting so I'm just finally getting around to it......

I guess we've come so far in regards to this, the only two that seem
to have conflicts anymore are my youngest. Sierra is 8 and Jalen is
almost 5 and if it weren't for his intensity, I don't think even they
would fight.
But here's how we deal with conflict.
First of all (and most importantly) I don't view conflict as fighting.
It's a disagreement. Unless people are trying to hit or hurt in some
way, it's just a disagreement. Kids need to have disagreements with
each other (and with us) in order to figure out the world, develop
their own ideas and stake their ground on this earth.

So conflict isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's HOW we "discuss"/argue
that matters. And I expect young children to NOT have the necessary
tools for healthy disagreement, they just don't have the experience or
maturity for it yet.
So my presence is the most important factor. If they're having a great
day, things are going along smoothly, I still check in and connect
with them occasionally (this really helps Jalen especially). If
things are rough, right from the get-go, I KNOW that's my cue to stay
present with them. It's a sign that they can't handle things on their
own and need an advocate.

When a conflict arises "MOM, Jalen grabbed my playdough" I ask her to
please let me handle it and I talk calmly and quietly to him. I tell
him that he needs to give it back and can we find another color (or
whatever it is HE needs to feel safe enough to hand it back).

It takes time and patience, but we're the adults and need to model
healthy behavior amidst conflict (I don't always do this btw, but it
gets easier and easier).

Sometimes they both need to tell me how mad they are at the other
person, listening deeply to them solves the problem. Sometimes I have
to stay right there, because Jalen is provoking it all.....and if it
can't be solved that way, I get him AWAY from her.

One of my other tools, is getting one of them busy with something fun
(the computer really works well) and spending some one on one time
with the other. If you have 3 or more that are dealing with conflict,
you might have to get really creative!:)
Finding a game to play, having some cuddle time, basically look at it
as "filling them up". Once they have all the Mom love, the day can
really smooth out.

Another tool is CHANGE OF SCENERY! When there is conflict, or yucky
energy in the house, getting out and doing something different, or
just driving around can help. Make sure you know what is causing the
conflict first, because hungry or tired kids aren't going to make a
shift by going somewhere new!! It's just going to make your day worse.

BUT, if it's just a general negative energy because maybe they need
different stimulation, then a park or drive or walk or throwing stones
in the creek or?? can really help.

Another way to shift the energy is to bring out some new and
interesting foods or toys. I like having artsy stuff, or snacks that
we haven't tried yet or little (dollar store) stickers or toys hidden
away for desperate moments. That's a great distraction and can also
give you a bit of time with one child. Changes the energy in the home
very quickly most of the time.

We have a standing protocol here. If you have a conflict you use your
WORDS with the other person and tell them to STOP. If that does not
work,you go find an advocate (parent or older sib) to assist you in
dealing with the conflict. If none of the above works, THEN you can
hit. Well, we never get to the third phase, because the advocate
always works.:) I coach them a lot as to "you could try this next
time" or "use words" or "talk calmly when you're telling her" etc...

Just generally useful conflict resolution techniques. And they get
better and better at it as they get older. Amazingly better!

If something does get to the harm stage, we definitely separate them.
Not as a punishment at all...it's a time to keep the victim safe and
talk with both of them about what happened (they usually need sympathy
on both ends and then ideas about how to handle it better next time)
and give lots of hugs.
When I'm really in tune with them, being present, this just doesn't
happen. So when you hear a lot of conflict, ugly voices etc... that's
your cue to BE in their world completely and totally. It's just a cue,
not anything to get upset about, not anything more than your call to
be the best parent you can be at that moment.

Ren
learninginfreedom.com