Sonia

Hello,

I am in UK, and have been broadly following the unschooling
principle for 4 years with my 12 yo ds. I have a 22 yo son who was
not homeschooled. My husband sort of gets it, my eldest son is
oblivious which is to be expected.... but my husband's eyes glaze
over when I have tried to explain some of the reasons behind the
unschooling way, including chores. DH is fairly laid back anyway,
so his attitude is fine, and lets me 'get on with it my way'.

He has a business which keeps him occupied, and he sees the results
of my not following a rigid plan, and allowing ds to join in chores
as and when they affect him. It isnt easy for men to manage the
everyday chores, even my eldest son admits to being able to cook,
but not get all the food out piping hot on a plate.... I do believe
they come from another planet you know (LOL)!!!

I do feel for you at this time, with a new babe, and feeling rotten
with a cold. It isnt easy to get your husband on board with your
plans in your vulnerable state at present...you need to muster your
energy to be patient with your man, but most of all be patient with
yourself.

It isnt the best of ways, but it has worked for me....sometimes at
home we 'do what is expected from dh when he is around' and 'carry
on with what we normally do when dh is at work' the rest of the
time. My son realises that tension can evaporate if we all muddle
and muck in together to help with the chores so that we can
all 'have a sit down or space to follow our particular hobbies'.

Perhaps with all the extra things your husband has taken on board,
he feels a bit cornered into trying to understand the unschooling
way of doing things.

One of my main concerns over the past few years has been to explain
to my eldest son things that happened when he was young, that
thankfully, since seeing the light, I dont do with my young son.

He went to school, was made to do homework, made to go to bed at a
regular time, made to take up some form of interest or hobby or
music, etc. (head hung in shame here....and I have smacked him and
punished him) made him eat meals he didnt like 'for his own good',
etc. etc. I cant believe how far I have come, since my son was
bullied at school, and I extracted him from the state system.....and
thankfully found the Unschooling.com site.

Things will change, gradually at first....there is a book especially
for us wives/partners to read about husbands taking a greater role
in child rearing and housework. I will have to go look it up, and
will post here it soon.

Hopefully, someone more experienced on this site will be able to
offer some tips for you.

Best wishes...Sonia in England


>>>>>>>>>>>>>Message: 6
Date: Mon, 02 Jan 2006 04:34:03 -0000
From: "multimomma" <autismhelp@...>
Subject: Can I vent here? (long post w/ ?)

I know I'm new to all this, but I'm trying hard. My hubby, however,
is not. He is (sorta) okay
with the not schooling on purpose (he probably thinks it's a phase),
but everything else.
Ugh, I can't even begin to describe it, and maybe it's just newbaby
hormones, but it
honestly seems like he's trying to make things *harder* for me! When
I talked to him about
not forcing the kids to do chores, etc, he kind of laughed it off
and said that he'll see how
long I last. I mean, I thought he understood all the lead up, agreed
when we talked about
how when WE do chores we don't think twice about sitting down to
rest or grabbing a soda
or whatever. Every time I turned around today, he did something that
he totally would not
have done before though. Including hiding all the game pieces that
were accidentally left
out when the kids (voluntarily!) cleaned up their games. His pet
peeve is that he's a
workaholic (Iike me) but wants everyone else to bust their butts
working all the time
(unlike me).

I can deal with the kids, but I'm about to kill my husband. I was
going to talk to him
tonight, but I think I need to rationally think for a day or two,
and get advice from other
parents who had to deal with partners who didn't back them up. (or
maybe purposefully
sabotaged!) I'm so tired anyway, I don't need this kind of crap. I
don't understand why he
was willing to split housework 50/50 before the kids were able to
help, but isn't willing to
do it now. It's like his job is to make sure the kids do all the
work. grrr! Considering how
much work they did when I was on bedrest, and they're still so young.

Does this make sense? I know it's late and I'm still not asleep, AND
I have a cold, so maybe
I'm not making sense. I just know that I'm mad enough to lay in bed
and stew, so I wanted
to come and post here just to get it off my chest and see if someone
has some advice for
me. I know it's hard on dh, I get frustrated too. Throughout this
pregnancy things have
changed significantly in our lives, our relationship with each
other, with the kids, etc. He's
had to take on a lot of roles that I've covered since marriage (Ha!
I did everything until the
bedrest, housework, yard work, car maintainance, bills, therapy,
schoolwork) In less than
nine months, he's doing much of this, we started homeschooling, I've
changed my
parenting, but doesn't it seem that he should be able to roll with
the punches? I'm not
asking him to do more work, just support me as I take on more. Or at
least be respectful
of the what the kids do, and when they do it.

Thanks for listening, I hope this was ok to post such a long vent, I
think I'll go back and
put that in my subject line as a warning!!!

melissa