Ren Allen

" I'm so tired anyway, I don't need this kind of crap. I don't
understand why he
was willing to split housework 50/50 before the kids were able to
help, but
isn't willing to
do it now."

Sounds like a bit of jealousy perhaps. I think my dh gets kinda
jealous about how easy and happy my children's lives are
sometimes...but he's over a lot of that behavior now. Thank goodness.

Hang in there. It does get better. I've found that NOT approaching
them with information too often works better...just happily do
things with your children, bombard him with joy and he will slowly
come around.

When you sit down to talk with him, address his concerns. What is he
unhappy about? Why are you getting less help? Explain that you don't
want to cause friction between everyone in the house and what kind
of solutions would help?
Sometimes you have to ease into the no chores thing a bit slower
with the dh's. When he's gone, run things how you want...but when
he's home, you can explain to the kids that it will help him if they
do x,y,z.

No chores is not some ideal in place of family harmony....at the
same time I'm a huge advocate for my children. What I did
originally (and still do if it comes up) is jump in and start doing
the work with them, when he griped at them. He saw that every time
he grumped, it involved ME and he started chilling out quite a bit.

I explained that I didn't mind him asking for help, I didn't mind
him requesting clean up from the kids, but I DID mind the method in
which he asked for said help. I told him that being kind to each
other was paramount, that asking for help could be done in a
peaceful manner and if he couldn't do that, he should just do the
work himself.
He still gets grumpy about mess...but I've noticed that he just
starts cleaning most of the time now.

If chores/cleanup is his big issue, and it's causing a lot of
friction, you might have to adjust things for a while. Try to
understand what it is he's bent out of shape over...I can just about
bet he's feeling they have it too easy. Assure him that you aren't
trying to leave them out of the family work ethic, just approach it
from a point of joy (and doesn't HE want that for his family too?).

Ren

Pamela Sorooshian

On Jan 2, 2006, at 10:23 AM, Ren Allen wrote:

> If chores/cleanup is his big issue, and it's causing a lot of
> friction, you might have to adjust things for a while. Try to
> understand what it is he's bent out of shape over...I can just about
> bet he's feeling they have it too easy.

Well - and he probably doesn't think it will "work" and figures
everything will end up a big huge mess AND that the kids won't learn
to be responsible.

I really do think it is better to go slower and give the other spouse
the chance to catch on at their own speed. Family peace matters a
lot, too. I mean, I wouldn't put up with my spouse being outright
mean to the kids, but if he wants to tell them to do some chores,
etc., then that isn't such a terrible thing - you two not getting
along well could be a lot worse.

But I know how frustrating it can be to have caught the beautiful
vision of how unschooling could be - and not have your partner
willing to even try to share that vision.


-pam



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

camden

> Sounds like a bit of jealousy perhaps. I think my dh gets kinda
> jealous about how easy and happy my children's lives are
> sometimes...but he's over a lot of that behavior now. Thank goodness.
>
> Hang in there. It does get better. I've found that NOT approaching
> them with information too often works better...just happily do
> things with your children, bombard him with joy and he will slowly
> come around.


I have read Rue's book ( and loved it !) but is there anything out here
specifically directed towards the dh ? And the unique prospective they are
coming from. Books, articles or web sites?

Thanks
Carol