simplemom3

I'm new here and it's a bit embarrassing to "bare my soul," but here
goes....I received an email this morning from my niece, (we both have
girls that are within one month of each other in age) proudly
announcing that her dd just won the regional spelling bee for her
school. It goes on to say that she really didn't have much time to
practice, because she danced in the Nutcracker Ballet all
weekend....Grrr.

I am ashamed of the feelings I'm having. Our family Christmas party
will be this coming Saturday. Although my niece won't be there (they
live a few hours away and can't come), I am already imagining the
barrage of comments that I'll have to field (about the sensational
achievements of said child). Suffice it to say that my family
doesn't understand homeschooling, let alone unschooling....and most
of them think that my dc would be "better off" in school. My great-
neice's latest achievements will simply solidify (in family's mind)
that the best opportunites come for kids who are in school. All
these chances to gain a college scholarship, ya know....My poor kids
just stay home all day and do "nothing." (Last two sentences are the
imagined (real?) comments of family members.) Part of the reason
they're not in school is becuz I HATE the competition kids have to
face there -- but I guess competition is everywhere, especially when
children are very close in age.

Thanks for allowing me to vent my frustration.

Sharon

[email protected]

-----Original Message-----
From: simplemom3 sja3k@...
I'm new here and it's a bit embarrassing to "bare my soul," but here
goes....I received an email this morning from my niece, (we both have
girls that are within one month of each other in age) proudly
announcing that her dd just won the regional spelling bee for her
school. It goes on to say that she really didn't have much time to
practice, because she danced in the Nutcracker Ballet all
weekend....Grrr.

I am ashamed of the feelings I'm having. Our family Christmas party
will be this coming Saturday. Although my niece won't be there (they
live a few hours away and can't come), I am already imagining the
barrage of comments that I'll have to field (about the sensational
achievements of said child). Suffice it to say that my family
doesn't understand homeschooling, let alone unschooling....and most
of them think that my dc would be "better off" in school. My great-
neice's latest achievements will simply solidify (in family's mind)
that the best opportunites come for kids who are in school. All
these chances to gain a college scholarship, ya know....My poor kids
just stay home all day and do "nothing." (Last two sentences are the
imagined (real?) comments of family members.) Part of the reason
they're not in school is becuz I HATE the competition kids have to
face there -- but I guess competition is everywhere, especially when
children are very close in age.

Thanks for allowing me to vent my frustration.

-=-=-

Sharon,

You and your neice have different goals. This is SOOO common at this young age: you're just going to
have to grin and bear it for a few years.

I'd recommend starting now with practicing that hand wave---like, "Oh, that's nothing"---then turn, with
your nose in the air, and say, "The proof is in the pudding, and I'm a patient cook."

And just leave it at that. Walk away. Say no more!

I did that for five years---and now MY kids are the stars! Because high school SUCKS! Suddenly our lives
don't look so lame! <bwg> My kids can look the adults in the eyes and carry on conversations. They have
passions they are immersed in. They're confident. They're interesting. They CARE!

And they LIKE their parents! <g>

I refuse to go to the Lovejoy Christmas gathering any more---just not worth it. But Ben said that the
change was palpable! <g> At nine and 17, our boys were the ones everyone was impressed with. (And
unschooling isn't looking so freaky anymore! <bwg>)

I don't give a crap about the family's late-coming accolades, but I can look back and know I did
the right thing. My children are happy and engaged and engaging. Their cousins are sullen and full of hate
and self-doubt.

I wouldn't chnage a thing---except that I wish that I'd found unshcooling earlier!
Proof is in the pudding. Be patient. You'll enjoy the future gatherings a LOT more! <G> I promise!

~KellyKelly LovejoyConference CoordinatorLive and Learn Unschooling Conferencehttp://liveandlearnconference.org



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Lesa McMahon-Lowe

Sharon,

I have to deal with hearing about my family members kids achievements, too.
And their achievements are great! So I try to focus on the positive and be
happy for them.

I usually just don't say anything if a comment is made that I don't feel I
have to respond to. My family can't "bait" me if I don't let them. And the
fact that I'm unschooling... well, I'm going to keep that to myself.

Hang in there.

Lesa

-------Original Message-------

From: simplemom3
Date: 12/13/05 05:42:46
To: [email protected]
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] RE: Need Support

I'm new here and it's a bit embarrassing to "bare my soul," but here
goes....I received an email this morning from my niece, (we both have
girls that are within one month of each other in age) proudly
announcing that her dd just won the regional spelling bee for her
school. It goes on to say that she really didn't have much time to
practice, because she danced in the Nutcracker Ballet all
weekend....Grrr.

I am ashamed of the feelings I'm having. Our family Christmas party
will be this coming Saturday. Although my niece won't be there (they
live a few hours away and can't come), I am already imagining the
barrage of comments that I'll have to field (about the sensational
achievements of said child). Suffice it to say that my family
doesn't understand homeschooling, let alone unschooling....and most
of them think that my dc would be "better off" in school. My great-
neice's latest achievements will simply solidify (in family's mind)
that the best opportunites come for kids who are in school. All
these chances to gain a college scholarship, ya know....My poor kids
just stay home all day and do "nothing." (Last two sentences are the
imagined (real?) comments of family members.) Part of the reason
they're not in school is becuz I HATE the competition kids have to
face there -- but I guess competition is everywhere, especially when
children are very close in age.

Thanks for allowing me to vent my frustration.

Sharon









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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

I am already imagining the
barrage of comments that I'll have to field (about the sensational
achievements of said child).

**************

I agree with what Kelly said except that you might be able to head off some
of it a little. When everyone is gushing about your niece, you gush too!
Maybe choose something *else* to gush over that you truly like about her. So
when everyone is saying "smartest kid ever" you can say "and she is so kind to
animals" or whatever works. Everybody will pick up on your frustration and
assume it is jealousy.....so be exactly how you would like them to be if it
were your child that was in the limelight.

I decided this year not to talk about my kids' achievements unless asked.
Honestly, everyone was so interested in all the other perfect kids that no one
really bothered too much. I had a few standard answers up my sleeve but
like Kelly said, it was obvious that my kids are growing and learning and kind.
Nothing much was said.

Have fun!!



Leslie in SC


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Joanne

Hello Sharon

>>>>>I am already imagining the barrage of comments that I'll have
to field (about the sensational achievements of said child).
Suffice it to say that my family doesn't understand homeschooling,
let alone unschooling....and most of them think that my dc would
be "better off" in school.>>>>>

It must be hard to not have your extended family be supportive of
what you're doing. Not everybody understands
homeschooling/unschooling. My advice is to not get sucked into a
conversation. Have some answers ready for their questions, practice
them before you go. Keep your answers short and postive and then
excuse yourself and walk away.

Are you the type of person who worries/cares what others think? If
you are, it may be a little harder to handle this.
(I've never been one to wonder or concern myself with what other
people think of my decisions so my extended family has had a
lifetime of knowing I don't care what they think! LOL!!)

One thing that I found helps me when people start to "question" me
(not to be confused with someone who really wants to know because
they're interested) is approach their question as if they're asking
about their kids, not mine. Such as:
Nosey person #1: You homeschool your children? What about
socialization?
Me: You think you'd have a hard time socializing your children
without school? That's a shame, I have no problem with it.
Nosey person #2: You don't use a curriculim (sp?)? How do you know
what to teach them?
Me? So if you homeschooled your children you would need a pre-
packaged curriculim to teach your children? I've never had a need
for one.
You get the idea. It works for me!
Good luck!

~ Joanne ~
Mom to Jacqueline (7), Shawna (10) & Cimion (13)
Adopted into our hearts October 30, 2003
http://anunschoolinglife.blogspot.com/







My great-neice's latest achievements will simply solidify (in
family's mind) that the best opportunites come for kids who are in
school. All these chances to gain a college scholarship, ya
know....My poor kids just stay home all day and do "nothing." (Last
two sentences are the
> imagined (real?) comments of family members.) Part of the reason
> they're not in school is becuz I HATE the competition kids have to
> face there -- but I guess competition is everywhere, especially
when
> children are very close in age.
>
> Thanks for allowing me to vent my frustration.
>
> Sharon
>

Amy Bowers

I would also try to find a way to be happy for them. If that it is
what they are into then it would be great to be able say, "good for
her! She must be so happy!" Lets face it - if your children were into
spelling or ballet, I am sure they would be given the same
opportunities to explore those passions - actually even more because
they would not have to fit it in around a school schedule. If you are
happy in your heart with what you have chosen - then you should be
able to feel good towards your niece without feeling negative towards
your kids. Just think "different strokes!" Easier said than done, I
know!

Amy

On 12/13/05, Leslie530@... <Leslie530@...> wrote:
>
>
>
> I am already imagining the
> barrage of comments that I'll have to field (about the sensational
> achievements of said child).
>
> **************
>
> I agree with what Kelly said except that you might be able to head off some
> of it a little. When everyone is gushing about your niece, you gush too!
> Maybe choose something *else* to gush over that you truly like about her. So
> when everyone is saying "smartest kid ever" you can say "and she is so kind to
> animals" or whatever works. Everybody will pick up on your frustration and
> assume it is jealousy.....so be exactly how you would like them to be if it
> were your child that was in the limelight.
>
> I decided this year not to talk about my kids' achievements unless asked.
> Honestly, everyone was so interested in all the other perfect kids that no one
> really bothered too much. I had a few standard answers up my sleeve but
> like Kelly said, it was obvious that my kids are growing and learning and kind.
> Nothing much was said.
>
> Have fun!!
>
>
>
> Leslie in SC
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
>
>
>
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

Deb

I agree with the idea of "go with it" - when everyone is saying how
wonderful this girl is, agree with them yes she is wonderful and such
a good cook (or pet sitter or gardener or whatever) too! Maybe even
toss in something like "She must take after Great-grandmother
Sarahbeth who was in the Ziegfield Follies" or "She takes after Uncle
Boris who wrote the dictionary" or whatever. While they're busy
gushing, they won't be pestering.

If they do get to pestering, I've found the simple word "Why?" very
helpful (in those few occasions - most of our extended family keeps
their noses out of our business). "They need to be in school for
proper socialization" Why? "You need to use a curriculum" Why? And
here's one I got from my 80some year old aunt several years ago "He
has to go to school so he can learn to read" Why? (which led to quite
a wonderful conversation and she's now one of our biggest supporters,
wishes she could have hsed her youngest child lo these many years ago).

Then of course there's the bean dip defense "We're doing fine thanks.
pass the bean dip. Oh yes it is wonderful about greatniece. We're
doing fine thanks. please pass the bean dip."

As someone said somewhere (so many boards, so little time lol)
approach it the same way you would if someone questioned how many
children you have, your choice to breastfeed, your choice of
spouse/partner, etc. It is a *choice* that they have little to no say
in. Oh, and keep in mind that for the most part (except maybe odd
Uncle Ernie) they really do have your children's interests at heart
and love them and want the best for them - they just haven't yet seen
that there are equally valid alternatives to the standard paradigm.

It's been said before but I'll say it again The proof of the pudding
is in the eating

--Deb

Robyn Coburn

<<<< Everybody will pick up on your frustration and
assume it is jealousy.....so be exactly how you would like them to be if it

were your child that was in the limelight.>>>>

This was what I was going to suggest. Just finding it in your heart to say,
"Yes, isn't it wonderful for her" and "Yes, she seems very happy about it"
and not make it about comparisons at all. Sorta leaving no opening.

Standard answers to nosy questions: "We're really happy with how things are
going at the moment."

Also: "It's kind of you to care so much. So are you going away anywhere
special on vacation this year?"

Robyn L. Coburn

--
No virus found in this outgoing message.
Checked by AVG Free Edition.
Version: 7.1.371 / Virus Database: 267.13.13/197 - Release Date: 12/9/2005

Mother Earth (Tyra)

>>>I'd recommend starting now with practicing that hand wave---like, "Oh, that's nothing"---then turn, with
>>>your nose in the air, and say, "The proof is in the pudding, and I'm a patient cook."

Kelly,

I had to laugh at the proof is in the pudding comment because I wrote the same thing without having read your reply first! That is very affirming for me and I will have to add the "I'm a patient cook." to my response! Way cool!

Peace
Tyra

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

April

Something important to remember is that even if your kids were in school,
they may not be winning spelling bees or performing the Nutcracker. I went
through school, I did pretty good, but I was never outstanding at anything.
I was just an average kid. As are most of the kids. Sometimes we look at
these kids who do exceptional things and we think it's because they're not
being homeschooled that they have that opportunity. In my area, where there
are a lot of homeschoolers of all kinds as well as private schools and the
usual assortment of public schools, you can find kids who are doing amazing
things from any of the groups. But they are the exception, always. Not the
norm. People like to point out these kinds of kids and make a big deal out
of them and ignore all the average kids who are learning and growing in
equally amazing but less flashy ways. What I want for my kids is for them
to be happy, content and able to support themselves as adults. If they need
to win spelling bees to do this, I'll help them all the way, but in reality,
it will mean excepting who they are and where they are at any given time. My
oldest "looks good" to outsiders. She writes and directs plays. She directed
our local Homeschool play this fall and did a fabulous job. It's who she is
and what she would do in or out of school (actually, I think she has more
opportunities by not being in school). My other daughter is very good at
people skills. She has lots of friends, lives to hang out with her friends
and is currently in the process of analyzing her friends to do psych
profiles of them. But it's not flashy and public and no one (except her
friends) are really aware of what she does. Neither is more or less
important. Both are right where they need to be right now. Be happy where
your child is right now and it's easier to enjoy the spotlight of someone
else's child. And quite honestly, there is something to be said for not
being in the spotlight. Those expectations can be very heavy after a while
and mistakes are glaring. Being average and unobtrusive can have a lot of
advantages!! :-)



~April
Mom to Kate-19, Lisa-16, Karl-14, & Ben-10.
*REACH Homeschool Grp, an inclusive group in Oakland County
<http://www.reachhomeschool.com> www.reachhomeschool.com

* Michigan Unschoolers
<http://groups.yahoo.com/group/michigan_unschoolers/>
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/michigan_unschoolers/
*Check out Chuck's art! <http://www.artkunst23.com/>
http://www.artkunst23.com
"Know where to find the information and how to use it - That's the secret of
success."
Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

_____

From: [email protected]
[mailto:[email protected]] On Behalf Of Amy Bowers
Sent: Tuesday, December 13, 2005 9:02 AM
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: [unschoolingbasics] RE: Need Support



I would also try to find a way to be happy for them. If that it is
what they are into then it would be great to be able say, "good for
her! She must be so happy!" Lets face it - if your children were into
spelling or ballet, I am sure they would be given the same
opportunities to explore those passions - actually even more because
they would not have to fit it in around a school schedule. If you are
happy in your heart with what you have chosen - then you should be
able to feel good towards your niece without feeling negative towards
your kids. Just think "different strokes!" Easier said than done, I
know!

Amy

On 12/13/05, Leslie530@... <Leslie530@...> wrote:
>
>
>
> I am already imagining the
> barrage of comments that I'll have to field (about the sensational
> achievements of said child).
>
> **************
>
> I agree with what Kelly said except that you might be able to head off
some
> of it a little. When everyone is gushing about your niece, you gush too!
> Maybe choose something *else* to gush over that you truly like about her.
So
> when everyone is saying "smartest kid ever" you can say "and she is so
kind to
> animals" or whatever works. Everybody will pick up on your frustration
and
> assume it is jealousy.....so be exactly how you would like them to be if
it
> were your child that was in the limelight.
>
> I decided this year not to talk about my kids' achievements unless asked.
> Honestly, everyone was so interested in all the other perfect kids that
no one
> really bothered too much. I had a few standard answers up my sleeve but
> like Kelly said, it was obvious that my kids are growing and learning and
kind.
> Nothing much was said.
>
> Have fun!!
>
>
>
> Leslie in SC
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
>
>
>
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
>
>
>
>
>





_____

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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

beanmommy2

Another thing to remember is that an award or something in a school
may not mean very much!

Just for one example ... a few years ago my in-laws were so proud of
my neice (their granddaughter) because she got a letter from her
English teacher when she was a freshman in high school, saying that
she had an A average and was doing very well. It was obviously a
form letter. They hung a copy of the letter on the refrigerator and
brought it up several times.

I asked my neice about what they were doing in the class, and she
said, "It's so boring. All we do are worksheets."

"Well, what books have you been reading in the class?"

"None."

"Have you been writing essays or stories or anything?"

"No, we don't write anything. We just do worksheets."

Needless to say, I was not very impressed!

Jenny

Jessica Radtke

Okay, I just had to jump in here to say that now *I'm*
laughing at the pudding comments because I've been
known to say "the proof is in the pudding and
everybody knows *homemade* pudding tastes the best!" I
do believe I'm going to have to add "I'm a patient
cook" to mine too though! Thanks for the laugh.

Jessica in Indiana

> >>>I'd recommend starting now with practicing that
> hand wave---like, "Oh, that's nothing"---then turn,
> with
> >>>your nose in the air, and say, "The proof is in
> the pudding, and I'm a patient cook."
>
> Kelly,
>
> I had to laugh at the proof is in the pudding
> comment because I wrote the same thing without
> having read your reply first! That is very
> affirming for me and I will have to add the "I'm a
> patient cook." to my response! Way cool!
>
> Peace
> Tyra

__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
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Pamela Sorooshian

On Dec 13, 2005, at 5:39 AM, Leslie530@... wrote:

> I am already imagining the
> barrage of comments that I'll have to field (about the sensational
> achievements of said child).
>
> **************
>
> I agree with what Kelly said except that you might be able to head
> off some
> of it a little. When everyone is gushing about your niece, you
> gush too!
> Maybe choose something *else* to gush over that you truly like
> about her.

If you wanted to be snotty you could respond to all the gushing with,
"I know. I worry so much about her - you know how overprogrammed kids
are these days and how they end up burned out by the time they're in
high school."

But, better to bide your time, be patient, remind yourself that your
goals are different and be sweet and positive about her accomplishments.

-pam

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

>>I am ashamed of the feelings I'm having.>>

Don't be. Acknowledge them and let them float on by. Take a deep breath and remember how truly amazing your own kids are right now in this moment. That's the feeling to hold onto.

I get a weird feeling every year when the holiday letters start coming in. Parents and grandparents are so proud of "accomplishments." It's hard to read about all those good grades, soccer trophies, college scholarships, etc. When I start my own holiday letter I always have to stop and think about what I want to share about my own kids. I try hard not to include the "gold stars" but rather something to show Who They Are and what they are into right now. For Conor this year it remains his passion for anything Japanese and anime. For Casey it's Neopets. That's what I told the relatives about. :o)

--
~Mary, unschooling mom to Conor (16) and Casey (11)

"Just today I'm going to be utterly present for my children, I'm going to be in their world (not just doing my own thing while they do theirs), I'm going to really hear them, I'm going to prepare myself to be present starting right now."
~Ren Allen




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

John & Karen Buxcel

I can empathize with what you are feeling with your neice, the 'wonder
child'. I, too, have a similar situation. Mine happens to be with my
sister, who I am quite close to. I have 3 sons, 6, 4, 1. She has 1 baby,
jus turned 1 (a girl, to boot!) She also has 2 step-children, boy 7, girl
11. Just this summer, we were walking through Sears with our babies, and
she starts telling me how worried she is about my ds (6yo) because he
doesn't know how to read yet, and what if he has to go to school someday,
and "i just feel so bad for him and i'm so worried about him and yada yada
yada". My ds had just gone to her ds birthday party at Chucky Cheeses, and
evidently she was SO CONCERNED also about his social skills because he
didn't go out and dance with 'all the other kids and Chucky' Well, he
didn't know ANYBODY else there, except the birthday boy, so he and my 4yo
felt best just staying by my mom's side. HOW HORRIBLE, huh?
Also, her ds is a reader (of course), so I KNOW KNOW KNOW she is doing the
'comparison game'. I pretty much just told her right then and there that I
will not tolerate my children being compared, judged, etc against someone
elses standards, and if I feel like that is happening, we will not be
spending time with people who choose to do so.
The BEST part of this whole story, is while she was chewing my ear off about
how worried she was about my poor, unschooled, sad, illiterate, socially
retarded children, they were out with their father riding down a local river
in a canoe, stopping on every island they found, naming those islands
accordingly (goose poop island, etc!). They found a nest of turtle eggs,
saw gobs of turtles and other wildlife, and MOST importantly, were creating
unforgettable memories with their father.
She (my sister) works full time, so does her husband. THey have the step
children 3 days a week. I've seen the interaction between their father and
them, far from warm and fuzzy. They better do it and do it RIGHT (by his
standards), or they'll be pushed and pressured until they do. Interestingly
enough, the 11 yo recently came home with a couple of d's and f's on her
report card. So, naturally got her tv taken away, no phone privelages, etc.
etc.

Hmmmmm, public school/unschool?
Doesn't take a genius to figure that one out!!! :)

Namaste~
Karen

[email protected]

In a message dated 12/13/2005 9:29:29 AM Eastern Standard Time,
soggyboysmom@... writes:

It's been said before but I'll say it again The proof of the pudding
is in the eating


~~~~~~~~~~
lol... all this talk about pudding... getting a craving for some now...
LOL...

Jenny
Unschooling in Greenfield, MA
Danny (12-1-99), Kelsey (11-1-01) and Evelyn (5-19-04)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The important thing is not so much that every child should be taught, as
that every child should be given the wish to learn. ~John Lubbock


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]