Intro, praise for the conference etc....
Ren Allen
"He went from thinking that we were making a mistake with
unschooling, to trusting me because I'm passionate in my belief in it
and have spent alot of time reading about it, to understanding it and
believing this would work for our family!"
I've heard this over and over each year, it's SO cool. I'm really glad
he had such a great experience there.
I remember standing in Kelly's yard two years ago and having Kim
Conti's dh tell me "when my wife explained unschooling I thought it
sounded a bit nuts, but after being here this weekend and seeing all
these kids, I KNOW it's the only life for us."
Wow!
I think the more Dads that come the better.:)
" I'm so grateful that
the "gurus" of unschooling are such eloquent writers and speakers and
share your time and life with us."
I think that was one of the sweetest reviews I've ever read. Thank
you, you made my day!
" But how do I handle times when I need him to come
with us and if we stay home, 3 other kids miss out on what they want
to do?"
You bring him with you. I wouldn't give that advice if you weren't
already being so mindful and respectful of him...but everything you
just wrote says you're doing your best to give him options. There ARE
times that you run out of options and they have to come. It's not the
same in larger families as it is with an "only".
My Jalen is very much like that.
On Sunday, we all had plans to visit the Bays Mountain park where we
could see wolves, otters and other critters. The kids were all
excited. He knew the plan, he'd even helped bake cupcakes to take
along. But when it was time to leave he didn't want to go. I knew
Trevor didn't want to watch him and it would absolutely break the
other children's hearts to not go....plus dh and I had been looking
forward to it and the weather was glorius.
So I explained that no one could stay and watch him, we were all going
and he needed to come.
Sometimes that's how it is.
That doesn't mean I don't listen to his feelings deeply, offer up
information that will help him transition etc... But I needed him to
get in the car and come with.
After listening to him, explaining things further and telling him
there were no other options today, he sighed and said "Ok".
We all had a fabulous time, especially Jalen. It was a wonderful place
for him...I knew he'd have a great time once we got him there. It's
hard to be 4 sometimes.:)
As far as the fighting...I've found that when I am really present with
my children, there is a much lower rate of disintigration. I can offer
up peaceful solutions before things melt down. I'm better at
communicating solutions than an 8 and 4 y.o. (the two that have the
hardest time) so I feel it is my duty to help them navigate this until
they gain these skills.
Our big thing around here is that you try and solve issues without
blame, without namecalling. When it happens I say "that isn't a
helpful way to solve this problem,let's focus on how everyone can get
what they need right now"
If someone is being truly mean, I stop it and get the victim away from
the angry child quickly. Once I give them a hug or comfort, I talk to
the offender and let them know that if they want to harm another human
being with words or physically, they need to be far away from that
other human.
We don't have a lot of problems with fighting most of the time, if *I*
am doing my job. That doesn't mean we don't have upset children, or
possibilities for fighting..Jalen can really get everyone going. But
if I'm there with them, picking him up and hugging him when I see a
potential problem, explaining that he can't scream at someone to get
what he wants, it seems to avert most of the major fights.
Being present, being aware of needs and personalities, knowing what
the triggers are and trying to remove them, feeding them snacks before
they act hungry etc... these are some of the tools we've used to
encourage peaceful solutions.
Ren
unschooling, to trusting me because I'm passionate in my belief in it
and have spent alot of time reading about it, to understanding it and
believing this would work for our family!"
I've heard this over and over each year, it's SO cool. I'm really glad
he had such a great experience there.
I remember standing in Kelly's yard two years ago and having Kim
Conti's dh tell me "when my wife explained unschooling I thought it
sounded a bit nuts, but after being here this weekend and seeing all
these kids, I KNOW it's the only life for us."
Wow!
I think the more Dads that come the better.:)
" I'm so grateful that
the "gurus" of unschooling are such eloquent writers and speakers and
share your time and life with us."
I think that was one of the sweetest reviews I've ever read. Thank
you, you made my day!
" But how do I handle times when I need him to come
with us and if we stay home, 3 other kids miss out on what they want
to do?"
You bring him with you. I wouldn't give that advice if you weren't
already being so mindful and respectful of him...but everything you
just wrote says you're doing your best to give him options. There ARE
times that you run out of options and they have to come. It's not the
same in larger families as it is with an "only".
My Jalen is very much like that.
On Sunday, we all had plans to visit the Bays Mountain park where we
could see wolves, otters and other critters. The kids were all
excited. He knew the plan, he'd even helped bake cupcakes to take
along. But when it was time to leave he didn't want to go. I knew
Trevor didn't want to watch him and it would absolutely break the
other children's hearts to not go....plus dh and I had been looking
forward to it and the weather was glorius.
So I explained that no one could stay and watch him, we were all going
and he needed to come.
Sometimes that's how it is.
That doesn't mean I don't listen to his feelings deeply, offer up
information that will help him transition etc... But I needed him to
get in the car and come with.
After listening to him, explaining things further and telling him
there were no other options today, he sighed and said "Ok".
We all had a fabulous time, especially Jalen. It was a wonderful place
for him...I knew he'd have a great time once we got him there. It's
hard to be 4 sometimes.:)
As far as the fighting...I've found that when I am really present with
my children, there is a much lower rate of disintigration. I can offer
up peaceful solutions before things melt down. I'm better at
communicating solutions than an 8 and 4 y.o. (the two that have the
hardest time) so I feel it is my duty to help them navigate this until
they gain these skills.
Our big thing around here is that you try and solve issues without
blame, without namecalling. When it happens I say "that isn't a
helpful way to solve this problem,let's focus on how everyone can get
what they need right now"
If someone is being truly mean, I stop it and get the victim away from
the angry child quickly. Once I give them a hug or comfort, I talk to
the offender and let them know that if they want to harm another human
being with words or physically, they need to be far away from that
other human.
We don't have a lot of problems with fighting most of the time, if *I*
am doing my job. That doesn't mean we don't have upset children, or
possibilities for fighting..Jalen can really get everyone going. But
if I'm there with them, picking him up and hugging him when I see a
potential problem, explaining that he can't scream at someone to get
what he wants, it seems to avert most of the major fights.
Being present, being aware of needs and personalities, knowing what
the triggers are and trying to remove them, feeding them snacks before
they act hungry etc... these are some of the tools we've used to
encourage peaceful solutions.
Ren
Danielle Conger
Ren Allen wrote:
described quite well what it's like to live with multiple children and
try to negotiate everyone's needs, and how we try to work things here as
well. For anyone who didn't get to the conference, her talk on
Unschooling a Tribe would be well worth ordering, imo.
What I would add is that although there are times when one young child
does get carted along because there aren't stay at home solutions to be
found, that's not the end of it or just the way it is (not that Ren was
saying that, just for explicit clarification). There's more to it than
that, for us anyway, and I suspect in Ren's family as well. As Ren
talked about, there's the validating and the attempt to find solutions
that may help even if staying at home isn't one of them.
Also, when Sam is carted along, I try to own that responsibility rather
than displacing it onto him or the other kids. I realize that in order
to enable my other children to do something sometimes means that I'll be
putting *all* of my energy into Sam while we are there, trying to help
him stay in a comfort zone. Sometimes this falls into place like Ren
described because the outing is fun and a good fit, but it just required
an energy shift to get these spirited kids through the transition.
Sometimes, however, things do not fall into place, and Sam needs all my
energy to get through the situation gracefully, and I find that I need
to be prepared to give him that energy without being resentful that
things aren't just falling into place.
That's where things get tricky, too, in making sure that this is not
happening too often. In other words, making sure that Sam isn't being
put into situations that are difficult for him too often simply because
the other kids like to do something. I think it needs to be an exception
rather than a rule, kwim. We've given up some regular activities that
the girls really enjoyed because they took such a toll on Sam. We've had
to go back and renegotiate what everyone's needs really are, and
sometimes going to that activity is not as important as everyone's
well-being nor is it necessarily the only way to meet the girls'
needs--maybe just the most obvious or expedient way.
--
~~Danielle
Emily (8), Julia (6), Sam (5)
http://www.danielleconger.com/Homeschool/Welcomehome.html
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"With our thoughts, we make the world." ~~Buddha
>Can I just say "oh yeah" to everything Ren just said? I think she
> Being present, being aware of needs and personalities, knowing what
> the triggers are and trying to remove them, feeding them snacks before
> they act hungry etc... these are some of the tools we've used to
> encourage peaceful solutions.
described quite well what it's like to live with multiple children and
try to negotiate everyone's needs, and how we try to work things here as
well. For anyone who didn't get to the conference, her talk on
Unschooling a Tribe would be well worth ordering, imo.
What I would add is that although there are times when one young child
does get carted along because there aren't stay at home solutions to be
found, that's not the end of it or just the way it is (not that Ren was
saying that, just for explicit clarification). There's more to it than
that, for us anyway, and I suspect in Ren's family as well. As Ren
talked about, there's the validating and the attempt to find solutions
that may help even if staying at home isn't one of them.
Also, when Sam is carted along, I try to own that responsibility rather
than displacing it onto him or the other kids. I realize that in order
to enable my other children to do something sometimes means that I'll be
putting *all* of my energy into Sam while we are there, trying to help
him stay in a comfort zone. Sometimes this falls into place like Ren
described because the outing is fun and a good fit, but it just required
an energy shift to get these spirited kids through the transition.
Sometimes, however, things do not fall into place, and Sam needs all my
energy to get through the situation gracefully, and I find that I need
to be prepared to give him that energy without being resentful that
things aren't just falling into place.
That's where things get tricky, too, in making sure that this is not
happening too often. In other words, making sure that Sam isn't being
put into situations that are difficult for him too often simply because
the other kids like to do something. I think it needs to be an exception
rather than a rule, kwim. We've given up some regular activities that
the girls really enjoyed because they took such a toll on Sam. We've had
to go back and renegotiate what everyone's needs really are, and
sometimes going to that activity is not as important as everyone's
well-being nor is it necessarily the only way to meet the girls'
needs--maybe just the most obvious or expedient way.
--
~~Danielle
Emily (8), Julia (6), Sam (5)
http://www.danielleconger.com/Homeschool/Welcomehome.html
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"With our thoughts, we make the world." ~~Buddha
Pamela Sorooshian
On Nov 15, 2005, at 6:46 AM, Ren Allen wrote:
you understand that I want you to come, right?"
Him, "Yeah, but I REALLY don't want to."
You, "I know you really don't want to. Are you willing to consider us
finding something we can do to make it less of a pain for you? What
if we stopped for special ice cream on the way back?" (OR, "What if
you could take my laptop, just this once, and play on that in the car
and while you're waiting?" OR - whatever.....make it special because
it IS an imposition. Recognize that. Thank him for being willing to
work it out.
Then, don't take advantage of a kid's willingness to work it out. In
other words, make sure it works the other way sometimes, too.
Sometimes he says, "I really don't want to go," and you find someone
else to take the other kids, you get them a ride, you put them off by
offering THEM something else to make up for it. OR you find someone
else to stay home with him.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> " But how do I handle times when I need him to comeYou say, "Okay, I get it that you really don't want to come and I bet
> with us and if we stay home, 3 other kids miss out on what they want
> to do?"
you understand that I want you to come, right?"
Him, "Yeah, but I REALLY don't want to."
You, "I know you really don't want to. Are you willing to consider us
finding something we can do to make it less of a pain for you? What
if we stopped for special ice cream on the way back?" (OR, "What if
you could take my laptop, just this once, and play on that in the car
and while you're waiting?" OR - whatever.....make it special because
it IS an imposition. Recognize that. Thank him for being willing to
work it out.
Then, don't take advantage of a kid's willingness to work it out. In
other words, make sure it works the other way sometimes, too.
Sometimes he says, "I really don't want to go," and you find someone
else to take the other kids, you get them a ride, you put them off by
offering THEM something else to make up for it. OR you find someone
else to stay home with him.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]