Ren Allen

"I am wondering how others deal with a 5yo child who is often
physically
aggressive and will not stop when told that the other people do not
like it, are
being hurt, are at risk of being hurt, etc. Frequently I find myself
forcing
him to stop (holding him, removing him from the situation, etc.),
which I think
doesn't really help the long term situation."

Welcome Rachel, glad you found the list!:)

I have the same problem with my just-turned three year old. He fits
about 80% of the "highly sensitive" child traits, and lashing out
suddenly or for no apparent reason is one of the issues we're
dealing with right now.
We haven't always handled it so well....and this week has been
especially difficult, but it's caused me to step back and assess how
we can better meet his needs to avoid some of the difficulties.

I've decided that he needs a LOT of one on one time, more than seems
reasonable in a family with four children (I mean, the others need
me too) but I have figured out a few things. First of all, I need to
BE with him more. He is sometimes happily absorbed in play with his
sister and things are fine, but if more than one other person is
involved in his play there is sure to be problems unless I'm RIGHT
there.
Do you notice a sensitivity to overstimulation in your child?
I know Jalen just FEEDS on energy, but not always in a good way.
When there are several children together it's hard for him to
maintain any kind of control, his emotions cause him to hit, kick,
scratch...even when he seems happy. I've never had a child like
this, so it's caught me off guard.
I need to be his filter on stimulation, until he's old enough to
filter it himself, or at least communicate his overstimulation.

He also needs to have protein snacks within reach throughout the
day, to help avoid blood sugar fluctuations. I also think that when
he seems happy playing with people, I need to find a good moment to
step in, hug him, re-connect and just remind him that I'm here.
He needs that physical connection, but doesn't always know how to
ask for it.

He's also sensitive to certain food additives I think. Mainly red
40....
I wouldn't go looking for a food problem right off the bat, but
sometimes a sensitive person reacts to food more intensely than the
rest of us. It's easy enough for me to keep all the foods he loves
(in a healthier version) available, so he doesn't even notice his
favorite cereal is missing (it's just a different brand).

I agree with removing them quickly from any kind of situation that
involves harming another person.
Sandra once made a suggestion I've used some, and that is to remove
the victim from the situation quickly, and after they're comforted,
go back and deal with the aggressor. It puts the attention on the
victim first, which is nice when they're already upset, and it gives
the aggressor a moment of cool off time.
It doesn't always work with a toddler in the midst of a melt-down,
but it can be very useful.

Prevention is my main job right now. With Jalen, it isn't so easy to
see the triggers though! Today for example, he wanted a pen from my
purse. I thought he was going to draw so I handed him the pen and
asked if he wanted some paper to draw on...he said "nope" and ran
towards the back of the house. I followed him of course, but by the
time I caught up, he'd run into where Sierra was, stabbed her with
the pen and ran back out laughing as she screamed.
A lot of this behavior is a cause and effect thing for him, I'm
pretty sure. He's extremely interested in human behavior, plus he
has very little understanding of what it feels like for the other
person. sigh.
So I'm taking this as a wake-up call. I've been too distracted
lately, and he's letting me know he needs more of the right kind of
stimulation (less neighbor kids over, more one-on-one and
kinisthetic/movement oriented activity).

Have you noticed that your child does better if you get him out
where he can move a LOT? I know Jalen is happiest if he can
run/jump/spin/slide etc... so parks, pools and beaches are GREAT!
We bought a large kiddie pool and that is really a fabulous thing
for him. Also, any kind of artsy stuff that he can really get his
hands into....clay/playdough, any kind of painting, rice play (we
made a big bin of rice with measuring tools, scoops etc..) water
play, anything tactile.
I'm planning to buy some more window pens, so they can decorate the
windows with art. Anything that is remotely messy or touch oriented
seems to be great for him. Maybe your guy needs more of that?

Just some things that have helped me, I totally sympathize, it's a
difficult thing to deal with all that intense energy sometimes.:)

Ren

Rachel and Carson Milgroom

Thanks everyone for the warm welcome and the good suggestions. Mostly it
just helps to know I am not the only "gentle parent" out there with a
not-always-gentle kid :-)

Ren -

> about 80% of the "highly sensitive" child traits, and lashing out
> suddenly or for no apparent reason is one of the issues we're
> dealing with right now.

We're past this stage now (hope for your future!) but I can remember feeling
like people were always thinking "She must just be missing the 'lead-up' to
these outbursts." But really there was no way to predict when we'd be
calmly talking about something or reading together or playing together and
all of a sudden he'd whack us. The only way to predict it would have been
to just expect it constantly, and living 'on guard' was not something I was
willing to do. We did two things that, in conjunction with respectful
parenting, helped us move from a hopeless place to one where we're feeling
more like we're just working out the kinks - Sensory Integration
Occupational Therapy and some
temporary dietary changes. If you want to know more I'd be happy to share.
Your post made me focus on how far we've come in the last 2 years, so thanks
for that!!

My aunt, who unschooled her 4 kids, always maintains that at 5yo kids become
much more calm and I see this coming for our son. It really is nice. Last
night when our 5yo started being too rough with our 1yo, I got in there and
wrestled with him instead. I think I had just been not realizing that he
wants more wrestling, and won't stop knocking the baby down because he
really craves getting knocked down himself. So, that got him to leave the
baby alone and probably helped us all have more fun :-)

Thanks again everyone for the suggestions and the wonderful community!

Rachel
www.DiaperFreeBaby.org

Ren Allen

"I think that the kids insistence on being treated with respect and
not talked down to or ordered about is pretty neat and it's teaching
me to be a better person and to treat my kids like the real people
that they are."

Kids are natural unschoolers, aren't they? It's a good sign that your
children insist on being treated respectfully....a child that's been
beaten down too much will be overly fearful, and won't speak up for
themselves.


"How can I change this to better reflect an
unschooling attitude? I don't want to shield her from the consequences
of her actions, but I also hate to see her faced with this mountainous
task."

I understand the frustration all too well. But I think you already
know the answer in your heart. The anger is YOUR issue, not hers. It
IS a mountainous task and we all need help when something is
overwhelming.
My Sierra will also have her room a gargantuan mess, very quickly
without help. She doesn't like it that way, but putting things back is
just too distracting for a creative genius at work!!
The things that have helped me:

~Recognizing that I have a creative genius at work. Early on, I would
ask myself "what if I KNEW this child were the next Picasso (or
Einstein, or Mozart or whatever helps you connect the importance of
their work) and I realized the mess mattered very little. The
important thing was having a space for my child to daydream, play and
create.
~Seeing the clean up as my gift to her, not something I was trying to
help her learn or needed her assistance with to feel good about. I
WANT my child to have a sacred space, a space that she feels calm and
happy in. I want to give that to her unconditionally.
~Seeing the clean up time as a time to connect with her, not a time
for her to help me. We talk, we laugh, we find interesting objects
and get sidetracked...this time is just time together, there are no
constraints on getting the job done a certain way, or in a certain
amount of time. We might stop and read a book, we might start some
laundry, we might make a snack, but we're together.
She DOES stop to play. I might hand her something and say "here, could
you toss that over there?" but for the most part, I just keep cleaning.

The results?

She happily helps me out after I start cleaning sometimes (not always,
but more than you'd believe). She willingly helps me out around the
house, she much prefers cooking and cleaning in the kitchen, than
cleaning her room.
It's wonderful to see the results of totally backing off the chores
thing. My children are truly sweet and help from a place within their
hearts, not because some adult makes them.
Sierra might make a disaster of her room, but she sweetly and kindly
offers to unload the dishwasher, set the table etc...she OFFERS this
help, with no outside forces upon her.

Help your dd clean her room because she needs you. Help her because it
will give her a wonderful place to play and BE. Help her out because
it's a time to connect with her, whether she's helping or not. Help
her because she's alive and healthy and collecting memories of her
childhood. Realize how fortunate you are to have a healthy kid to
clean up after.:) Truly.

"When she comes up to me asking for something to do because
she is bored I tell her she can pick up the clothes in her room. This
usually sets off a pouting spree about how hard it is and how she does
not want to and I tell not to do it if she does not want to."

When a child says they're bored, they're looking for a FUN idea, not a
lame "go clean up your room" from Mom. I remember my mother doing
this, and I resented it immensely....I felt she didn't understand me
or care about my feelings in that moment.

Rather than make the room an issue, give her some fun ideas and offer
to do some of them with her. I like to keep an "idea" list available,
for those moments when we need some inspiration.

Heck, don't just clean her room. Go paint it and hang lovely materials
and fill it with things that make her happy! Create a little reading
nook, or build a window seat or buy her a new comforter...make her
room her HAVEN.:)
And when she messes it up again, try to own the frustration as YOUR
feelings, not something she did to you. Try to see it as a chance to
wipe the slate clean once again, and give your creative genius a
lovely space in which to grow and learn.

I do this virtually every day....it takes a while to wrap your mind
around this way of living...but the results are WELL worth the time,
honest.

Ren

Lesa McMahon-Lowe

Ren,

Thanks for that! My daughters room is always a mess, too. This helps me to
look at it differently. Heck, I'm messy, too! You post actually makes me
feel better about MY space. lol.

Lesa

-------Original Message-------

From: Ren Allen
Date: 12/11/05 15:56:50
To: [email protected]
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Intro. and question

"I think that the kids insistence on being treated with respect and
not talked down to or ordered about is pretty neat and it's teaching
me to be a better person and to treat my kids like the real people
that they are."

Kids are natural unschoolers, aren't they? It's a good sign that your
children insist on being treated respectfully....a child that's been
beaten down too much will be overly fearful, and won't speak up for
themselves.


"How can I change this to better reflect an
unschooling attitude? I don't want to shield her from the consequences
of her actions, but I also hate to see her faced with this mountainous
task."

I understand the frustration all too well. But I think you already
know the answer in your heart. The anger is YOUR issue, not hers. It
IS a mountainous task and we all need help when something is
overwhelming.
My Sierra will also have her room a gargantuan mess, very quickly
without help. She doesn't like it that way, but putting things back is
just too distracting for a creative genius at work!!
The things that have helped me:

~Recognizing that I have a creative genius at work. Early on, I would
ask myself "what if I KNEW this child were the next Picasso (or
Einstein, or Mozart or whatever helps you connect the importance of
their work) and I realized the mess mattered very little. The
important thing was having a space for my child to daydream, play and
create.
~Seeing the clean up as my gift to her, not something I was trying to
help her learn or needed her assistance with to feel good about. I
WANT my child to have a sacred space, a space that she feels calm and
happy in. I want to give that to her unconditionally.
~Seeing the clean up time as a time to connect with her, not a time
for her to help me. We talk, we laugh, we find interesting objects
and get sidetracked...this time is just time together, there are no
constraints on getting the job done a certain way, or in a certain
amount of time. We might stop and read a book, we might start some
laundry, we might make a snack, but we're together.
She DOES stop to play. I might hand her something and say "here, could
you toss that over there?" but for the most part, I just keep cleaning.

The results?

She happily helps me out after I start cleaning sometimes (not always,
but more than you'd believe). She willingly helps me out around the
house, she much prefers cooking and cleaning in the kitchen, than
cleaning her room.
It's wonderful to see the results of totally backing off the chores
thing. My children are truly sweet and help from a place within their
hearts, not because some adult makes them.
Sierra might make a disaster of her room, but she sweetly and kindly
offers to unload the dishwasher, set the table etc...she OFFERS this
help, with no outside forces upon her.

Help your dd clean her room because she needs you. Help her because it
will give her a wonderful place to play and BE. Help her out because
it's a time to connect with her, whether she's helping or not. Help
her because she's alive and healthy and collecting memories of her
childhood. Realize how fortunate you are to have a healthy kid to
clean up after.:) Truly.

"When she comes up to me asking for something to do because
she is bored I tell her she can pick up the clothes in her room. This
usually sets off a pouting spree about how hard it is and how she does
not want to and I tell not to do it if she does not want to."

When a child says they're bored, they're looking for a FUN idea, not a
lame "go clean up your room" from Mom. I remember my mother doing
this, and I resented it immensely....I felt she didn't understand me
or care about my feelings in that moment.

Rather than make the room an issue, give her some fun ideas and offer
to do some of them with her. I like to keep an "idea" list available,
for those moments when we need some inspiration.

Heck, don't just clean her room. Go paint it and hang lovely materials
and fill it with things that make her happy! Create a little reading
nook, or build a window seat or buy her a new comforter...make her
room her HAVEN.:)
And when she messes it up again, try to own the frustration as YOUR
feelings, not something she did to you. Try to see it as a chance to
wipe the slate clean once again, and give your creative genius a
lovely space in which to grow and learn.

I do this virtually every day....it takes a while to wrap your mind
around this way of living...but the results are WELL worth the time,
honest.

Ren








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Mother Earth (Tyra)

Ren's answer WAS very insightful! Thank you! I needed that answer, too!

Peace
Tyra
----- Original Message -----
From: Lesa McMahon-Lowe
To: [email protected]
Sent: Sunday, December 11, 2005 4:06 PM
Subject: Re: [unschoolingbasics] Intro. and question


Ren,

Thanks for that! My daughters room is always a mess, too. This helps me to
look at it differently. Heck, I'm messy, too! You post actually makes me
feel better about MY space. lol.

Lesa


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]