bewildered
[email protected]
Hello, My name is Ann and I can't recall if I've ever introduced myself on this list. I enjoy reading everything so much. We're a fmily of 5, myself, my partner of 16 years, ds age 12, ds age 12, and dd age 11, came to homeschooling only 3 years ago, unschooling in the last year. I'm writing because one of my boys is into this behavior I don't know how to respond to supportively. He spends alot of his time surfing craigslist for free stuff and also inexpensive things to buy and asks over and over if we can get these things he's found. Everyday. It would mean getting him 20 - 30 dollars a day and driving him around to pick these things up. It's interesting because I have a hard time with alot of stuff . . . I keep art supplies, books, computers, toys, interesting things around (although we just relocated so it's a challenge to get stuff out . . . ) but pretty much every day he finds more and more things he wants. It's beginning to feel really compulsive to me -- that may be a no-no to say -- I don't want to pathologize it . . . don't know how to keep my wits about me with these constant requests. I don't want to say no either, so I've gotten into a thing of putting it off til another day, but then, as he says that day doesn't come. help me, I want to support his desire and I also know that this constant wanting of things is triggering some deep anti-consumerism in me that wells up like alot of resistance to what he's doing . . .and, also as I write I realize it's gone on since he was little, his mind gets fixated on a thing that he absolutely must have. Most of the time I get it for him. But it's getting out of proportion now for me. Any input would be welcome -- sorry this is so long.
bewildered in boston, Ann.
bewildered in boston, Ann.
[email protected]
Does he have his *own* money to spend?
We were giving Duncan weekly pocket money. It was $1.25/week. That couldn't buy him a pack of GUM! He was asking us the same thing: could we buy him suchandsuch *all* the time!
We changed to $25/month. Now he can spend his own---or save it for something bigger.
We found that what we gave him needed to be enough to allow him to actually *buy* something or save for a larger purchase. He's become a much wiser shopper---weighing pros & cons and waiting for sales.
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
October 6-9, 2005
http://liveandlearnconference.org
-----Original Message-----
From: amcarlson@...
I'm writing because one of
my boys is into this behavior I don't know how to respond to supportively. He
spends alot of his time surfing craigslist for free stuff and also inexpensive
things to buy and asks over and over if we can get these things he's found.
Everyday. It would mean getting him 20 - 30 dollars a day and driving him
around to pick these things up. It's interesting because I have a hard time
with alot of stuff . . . I keep art supplies, books, computers, toys,
interesting things around (although we just relocated so it's a challenge to get
stuff out . . . ) but pretty much every day he finds more and more things he
wants. It's beginning to feel really compulsive to me -- that may be a no-no to
say -- I don't want to pathologize it . . . don't know how to keep my wits about
me with these constant requests. I don't want to say no either, so I've gotten
into a thing of putting it off til another day, but then, as he says that day
doesn't come. help me, I want to support his desire and I also know that this
constant wanting of things is triggering some deep anti-consumerism in me that
wells up like alot of resistance to what he's doing . . .and, also as I write I
realize it's gone on since he was little, his mind gets fixated on a thing that
he absolutely must have. Most of the time I get it for him. But it's getting
out of proportion now for me. Any input would be welcome -- sorry this is so
long.
bewildered in boston, Ann.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
We were giving Duncan weekly pocket money. It was $1.25/week. That couldn't buy him a pack of GUM! He was asking us the same thing: could we buy him suchandsuch *all* the time!
We changed to $25/month. Now he can spend his own---or save it for something bigger.
We found that what we gave him needed to be enough to allow him to actually *buy* something or save for a larger purchase. He's become a much wiser shopper---weighing pros & cons and waiting for sales.
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
October 6-9, 2005
http://liveandlearnconference.org
-----Original Message-----
From: amcarlson@...
I'm writing because one of
my boys is into this behavior I don't know how to respond to supportively. He
spends alot of his time surfing craigslist for free stuff and also inexpensive
things to buy and asks over and over if we can get these things he's found.
Everyday. It would mean getting him 20 - 30 dollars a day and driving him
around to pick these things up. It's interesting because I have a hard time
with alot of stuff . . . I keep art supplies, books, computers, toys,
interesting things around (although we just relocated so it's a challenge to get
stuff out . . . ) but pretty much every day he finds more and more things he
wants. It's beginning to feel really compulsive to me -- that may be a no-no to
say -- I don't want to pathologize it . . . don't know how to keep my wits about
me with these constant requests. I don't want to say no either, so I've gotten
into a thing of putting it off til another day, but then, as he says that day
doesn't come. help me, I want to support his desire and I also know that this
constant wanting of things is triggering some deep anti-consumerism in me that
wells up like alot of resistance to what he's doing . . .and, also as I write I
realize it's gone on since he was little, his mind gets fixated on a thing that
he absolutely must have. Most of the time I get it for him. But it's getting
out of proportion now for me. Any input would be welcome -- sorry this is so
long.
bewildered in boston, Ann.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Donald and Sandra Winn
Ann
I might be the lone wolf here, but there is no way we
could even afford to spend that kind of money on our
kids every week or two, let alone everyday. Not that
we are broke, but we need to save for the future and
have emergency funds, plus we have no health
insurance. We make enough not to qualify for Florida
KidCare, etc.
Are his desires breaking you financially? If so, it
may be a good idea for you to seek some type of
financial planning so that you can in turn help him
break the cycle of impulse buying. Does unschooling
mean that a parent has to go broke in order to give
the child what they want? As far as what to tell him,
maybe say look "I'll give you $xx every month then
we'll go shopping once every week or two, on whatever
day you choose. However, if you spend all of your
money on that day, we'll have to wait again until next
month." He has a choice on how to spend the money
and what day to go shopping on.
Our children 7 and 11 both want to earn money so we're
giving them some money on Friday to invest in stocks.
We've just started learning ourselves so it will be a
family adventure. It's never to late to start and it
can be done rather inexpensively. Ren suggested to me
the other day, maybe open an online Ebay store or
something. Maybe your son could sell some of that
"freestuff" and make money to buy more "freestuff."
Sorry, I have no other advice, but that is all I can
think of for now. But I believe that there can be a
happy medium.
~Sandy Winn
--- kbcdlovejo@... wrote:
Yahoo! Mail - PC Magazine Editors' Choice 2005
http://mail.yahoo.com
I might be the lone wolf here, but there is no way we
could even afford to spend that kind of money on our
kids every week or two, let alone everyday. Not that
we are broke, but we need to save for the future and
have emergency funds, plus we have no health
insurance. We make enough not to qualify for Florida
KidCare, etc.
Are his desires breaking you financially? If so, it
may be a good idea for you to seek some type of
financial planning so that you can in turn help him
break the cycle of impulse buying. Does unschooling
mean that a parent has to go broke in order to give
the child what they want? As far as what to tell him,
maybe say look "I'll give you $xx every month then
we'll go shopping once every week or two, on whatever
day you choose. However, if you spend all of your
money on that day, we'll have to wait again until next
month." He has a choice on how to spend the money
and what day to go shopping on.
Our children 7 and 11 both want to earn money so we're
giving them some money on Friday to invest in stocks.
We've just started learning ourselves so it will be a
family adventure. It's never to late to start and it
can be done rather inexpensively. Ren suggested to me
the other day, maybe open an online Ebay store or
something. Maybe your son could sell some of that
"freestuff" and make money to buy more "freestuff."
Sorry, I have no other advice, but that is all I can
think of for now. But I believe that there can be a
happy medium.
~Sandy Winn
--- kbcdlovejo@... wrote:
> Does he have his *own* money to spend?__________________________________
>
> We were giving Duncan weekly pocket money. It was
> $1.25/week. That couldn't buy him a pack of GUM! He
> was asking us the same thing: could we buy him
> suchandsuch *all* the time!
>
> We changed to $25/month. Now he can spend his
> own---or save it for something bigger.
>
> We found that what we gave him needed to be enough
> to allow him to actually *buy* something or save for
> a larger purchase. He's become a much wiser
> shopper---weighing pros & cons and waiting for
> sales.
>
> ~Kelly
>
> Kelly Lovejoy
> Conference Coordinator
> Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
> October 6-9, 2005
> http://liveandlearnconference.org
>
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: amcarlson@...
>
> I'm writing because one of
> my boys is into this behavior I don't know how to
> respond to supportively. He
> spends alot of his time surfing craigslist for free
> stuff and also inexpensive
> things to buy and asks over and over if we can get
> these things he's found.
> Everyday. It would mean getting him 20 - 30 dollars
> a day and driving him
> around to pick these things up. It's interesting
> because I have a hard time
> with alot of stuff . . . I keep art supplies, books,
> computers, toys,
> interesting things around (although we just
> relocated so it's a challenge to get
> stuff out . . . ) but pretty much every day he
> finds more and more things he
> wants. It's beginning to feel really compulsive to
> me -- that may be a no-no to
> say -- I don't want to pathologize it . . . don't
> know how to keep my wits about
> me with these constant requests. I don't want to
> say no either, so I've gotten
> into a thing of putting it off til another day, but
> then, as he says that day
> doesn't come. help me, I want to support his desire
> and I also know that this
> constant wanting of things is triggering some deep
> anti-consumerism in me that
> wells up like alot of resistance to what he's doing
> . . .and, also as I write I
> realize it's gone on since he was little, his mind
> gets fixated on a thing that
> he absolutely must have. Most of the time I get it
> for him. But it's getting
> out of proportion now for me. Any input would be
> welcome -- sorry this is so
> long.
>
> bewildered in boston, Ann.
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been
> removed]
>
>
Yahoo! Mail - PC Magazine Editors' Choice 2005
http://mail.yahoo.com
Lisa H
It sounds like he's very excited about his discoveries. I'd be careful not
to cut off his excitement by negatively labeling his behavior.
A wise woman once asked me, if you have the money why wouldn't you want to
give it to your child? She also acknowledged that there is a limit to
everyone's pocketbook. So the question is, how much can you or are you
willing to give to your son for his expenses. And then let him manage his
expenses. Give him the opportunity for "real life experience." It's always
worked for us here.
Lisa.
to cut off his excitement by negatively labeling his behavior.
A wise woman once asked me, if you have the money why wouldn't you want to
give it to your child? She also acknowledged that there is a limit to
everyone's pocketbook. So the question is, how much can you or are you
willing to give to your son for his expenses. And then let him manage his
expenses. Give him the opportunity for "real life experience." It's always
worked for us here.
Lisa.
soggyboysmom
I agree with the other posters that probably the best way to manage
the situation is to simply determine what out of your budget you can
manage, whether it's $5/week or a lump sum of $25/month or whatever
and that is his to spend as he chooses - and when it's gone, it's
gone until next 'pay day'. I've got a 7 yr old who gets $10 every
time I get paid (twice per month). He set his sights on something
and saved for two full months, despite other momentary 'gee that
looks cool' stuff. We even offered when he had half of it to pitch
in the other half so he could get it sooner but he wanted to do it
himself. When he saw stuff that looked interesting, he'd weigh it
against what he was saving for and decide. Sometimes we'd go ahead
and get it for him anyhow (if we had the funds available at the
time). Sometimes it would just go on the 'not yet' list. A month or
so ago, we reminded him that the big carnival was coming up so he
started saving AND cashed in his piggy bank (some $55 worth of
coinage!) - when we got to the carnival he had $85 of his own money
to spend as he chose - lots of games, we came home with armloads of
prizes (they tend to give younger kids lots of chances - especially
when things are slow) AND he had somewhere around $10 left in his
wallet.
--Deb
the situation is to simply determine what out of your budget you can
manage, whether it's $5/week or a lump sum of $25/month or whatever
and that is his to spend as he chooses - and when it's gone, it's
gone until next 'pay day'. I've got a 7 yr old who gets $10 every
time I get paid (twice per month). He set his sights on something
and saved for two full months, despite other momentary 'gee that
looks cool' stuff. We even offered when he had half of it to pitch
in the other half so he could get it sooner but he wanted to do it
himself. When he saw stuff that looked interesting, he'd weigh it
against what he was saving for and decide. Sometimes we'd go ahead
and get it for him anyhow (if we had the funds available at the
time). Sometimes it would just go on the 'not yet' list. A month or
so ago, we reminded him that the big carnival was coming up so he
started saving AND cashed in his piggy bank (some $55 worth of
coinage!) - when we got to the carnival he had $85 of his own money
to spend as he chose - lots of games, we came home with armloads of
prizes (they tend to give younger kids lots of chances - especially
when things are slow) AND he had somewhere around $10 left in his
wallet.
--Deb