self-comparisons
Sandrewmama
Here's a challenge I'm facing with my #2 child, Zoe (7) that I didn't
run into with my #1 child, Zach (14). She compares herself to
other children approximately her age. She has three cousins that are
the
same age, two of them live in our same town. They go to school. She has
several homeschooled friends but they are not unschooled and are a bit
older than her. All of these children have more advanced knowledge in
the typical schoolish subjects like reading and mathematics.
They like to talk about schoolish subjects or compare themselves and
Zoe is feeling inferior on several counts. It isn't limited to
levels of knowledge
though. She also compares her body shape to other kids and says that
she
wishes her eyes were bigger and rounder like a friends, or her legs were
skinnier like another.
She has many skills and talents that her friends and cousins don't
have. She
is a wonderful artist and can draw remarkably well. She is the only
one of her friends and cousins who twirls baton and is very good at
it for a beginner.
She plays soccer and has started making goals this season. Her friends
appreciate her vivid imagination and she is sought out for imaginary
play.
She has a quick giggle and infectious laugh. She's quite beautiful
in my eyes and
to many others.
When she says negative things about herself or compares herself
negatively
with her friends and cousins I try to acknowledge that she's noticing
these things.
I downplay her physical comparisons and I try to point out her good
qualities,
skills and talents and explain that everyone achieves different
skills at their own rate.
I don't want her to suffer the common insecurities and false self-
image that so
many young girls suffer. Does anyone have any thoughts or advice?
Chris
run into with my #1 child, Zach (14). She compares herself to
other children approximately her age. She has three cousins that are
the
same age, two of them live in our same town. They go to school. She has
several homeschooled friends but they are not unschooled and are a bit
older than her. All of these children have more advanced knowledge in
the typical schoolish subjects like reading and mathematics.
They like to talk about schoolish subjects or compare themselves and
Zoe is feeling inferior on several counts. It isn't limited to
levels of knowledge
though. She also compares her body shape to other kids and says that
she
wishes her eyes were bigger and rounder like a friends, or her legs were
skinnier like another.
She has many skills and talents that her friends and cousins don't
have. She
is a wonderful artist and can draw remarkably well. She is the only
one of her friends and cousins who twirls baton and is very good at
it for a beginner.
She plays soccer and has started making goals this season. Her friends
appreciate her vivid imagination and she is sought out for imaginary
play.
She has a quick giggle and infectious laugh. She's quite beautiful
in my eyes and
to many others.
When she says negative things about herself or compares herself
negatively
with her friends and cousins I try to acknowledge that she's noticing
these things.
I downplay her physical comparisons and I try to point out her good
qualities,
skills and talents and explain that everyone achieves different
skills at their own rate.
I don't want her to suffer the common insecurities and false self-
image that so
many young girls suffer. Does anyone have any thoughts or advice?
Chris
[email protected]
-----Original Message-----
From: Sandrewmama sandrewmama@...
Here's a challenge I'm facing with my #2 child, Zoe (7) that I didn't
run into with my #1 child, Zach (14). She compares herself to
other children approximately her age. She has three cousins that are
the
same age, two of them live in our same town. They go to school. She has
several homeschooled friends but they are not unschooled and are a bit
older than her. All of these children have more advanced knowledge in
the typical schoolish subjects like reading and mathematics.
They like to talk about schoolish subjects or compare themselves and
Zoe is feeling inferior on several counts. It isn't limited to
levels of knowledge
though. She also compares her body shape to other kids and says that
she
wishes her eyes were bigger and rounder like a friends, or her legs were
skinnier like another.
-=-=-=-
I really think this is more about the age than about the school or lack-of-school. But if she's hanging around schooled kids, some of those "certain" comparisons will rub off. I think that age is generally all *about* making comparisons. If she *weren't* making them, I might be a little worried! <bwg>
I think that up until 6-7, we make very few "big" comparisons---I mean, we can tell the red from the blue and which is the larger cookie! <G> But more subtle comparisons start at 7-8. And then we can really start fine-tuning them
I think the schoolish/societal comparisons can be pretty creepy---even leading youngish children to wanting nose jobs and strict diets and straight As. It's a very bad time to grade children in schools, because the idea of being stupid---or smarter than everyone else---starts in earnest.
As far as the "knowledge comparisons" go, I've noticed that his age of unschooled child seems very "behind" schooled peers. The schooled kids are learning...well, schoolish things---and they come across as VERY important (because the children are TOLD that!). You daughter may seem behinder and behinder for a few years. But then, those schooled kids are going to put on the learning brakes---and HARD! She will be making her massive connections, but in a more random, subtle way. At 15 or so, she will *suddenly* seem light years ahead of them! But it may take until then for her to realize THAT comparison! <G>
-=-=-=-=-
She has many skills and talents that her friends and cousins don't
have. She
is a wonderful artist and can draw remarkably well. She is the only
one of her friends and cousins who twirls baton and is very good at
it for a beginner.
She plays soccer and has started making goals this season. Her friends
appreciate her vivid imagination and she is sought out for imaginary
play.
She has a quick giggle and infectious laugh. She's quite beautiful
in my eyes and
to many others.
-=-=-=-
And these things may become more and more HUGE and extreme, as she will have all that extra time to devote to them. Her friends will not have that kind of time! Her own beauty will be even *more* obvious, because she will 1) get more rest and better food! <g> and 2) she will be happy with herself and in what she has accomplished and in what she knows she is capable of. But that will take time.
-=-=-=-=-
When she says negative things about herself or compares herself
negatively
with her friends and cousins I try to acknowledge that she's noticing
these things.
I downplay her physical comparisons and I try to point out her good
qualities,
skills and talents and explain that everyone achieves different
skills at their own rate.
-=-=-=-=-
That's good advice---but I think that pointing out *other* comparisons---like the differences between fine, antique furniture vs K-Mart furniture---can be helpful. That someone took the time and love and knowledge to make this glorious chest of drawers---look at the fine workmanship. You can't always *see* that from the outside---from far away. But when you get closer and pull out the drawers and see dove-tailing and other handwork---sometimes even signatures!, THAT's when you see the real beauty, the real quality. And *that* didn't happen overnight! <G>
Cameron did a lot of that while in school (but he was a really good artist and friend, so he was greatly admired for those things!). But when he left, many of his friends told him how stupid he would be if he didn't go to school or get one of those *magic* diplomas. Not much I said made any difference. Time did.
He LOVES being who he is now He's SOOO comfortable in his own skin! That's priceless! IT really is---and at 17???!!! I think I was in my early 30's before I was so comfortabe with myself! But he went through a tough time there at first.
Let her make comparisons---but be serious about it. Help her understand what is *really* important---and how long that sometimes takes! <G> OOHOOHOOH! Read The Velveteen Rabbit!!! Talk about what it's like to be REAL! <g>
I think *your* attitude is important. She'll trust you not to steer her wrong. Moms who are diet freaks, with nose jobs and perfect houses and the latest cars and whose kids *must* get into Ivy League schools---well, they are contributing to *false* comparisons! Help her find what's real---and be patient!
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
October 6-9, 2005
http://liveandlearnconference.org
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
From: Sandrewmama sandrewmama@...
Here's a challenge I'm facing with my #2 child, Zoe (7) that I didn't
run into with my #1 child, Zach (14). She compares herself to
other children approximately her age. She has three cousins that are
the
same age, two of them live in our same town. They go to school. She has
several homeschooled friends but they are not unschooled and are a bit
older than her. All of these children have more advanced knowledge in
the typical schoolish subjects like reading and mathematics.
They like to talk about schoolish subjects or compare themselves and
Zoe is feeling inferior on several counts. It isn't limited to
levels of knowledge
though. She also compares her body shape to other kids and says that
she
wishes her eyes were bigger and rounder like a friends, or her legs were
skinnier like another.
-=-=-=-
I really think this is more about the age than about the school or lack-of-school. But if she's hanging around schooled kids, some of those "certain" comparisons will rub off. I think that age is generally all *about* making comparisons. If she *weren't* making them, I might be a little worried! <bwg>
I think that up until 6-7, we make very few "big" comparisons---I mean, we can tell the red from the blue and which is the larger cookie! <G> But more subtle comparisons start at 7-8. And then we can really start fine-tuning them
I think the schoolish/societal comparisons can be pretty creepy---even leading youngish children to wanting nose jobs and strict diets and straight As. It's a very bad time to grade children in schools, because the idea of being stupid---or smarter than everyone else---starts in earnest.
As far as the "knowledge comparisons" go, I've noticed that his age of unschooled child seems very "behind" schooled peers. The schooled kids are learning...well, schoolish things---and they come across as VERY important (because the children are TOLD that!). You daughter may seem behinder and behinder for a few years. But then, those schooled kids are going to put on the learning brakes---and HARD! She will be making her massive connections, but in a more random, subtle way. At 15 or so, she will *suddenly* seem light years ahead of them! But it may take until then for her to realize THAT comparison! <G>
-=-=-=-=-
She has many skills and talents that her friends and cousins don't
have. She
is a wonderful artist and can draw remarkably well. She is the only
one of her friends and cousins who twirls baton and is very good at
it for a beginner.
She plays soccer and has started making goals this season. Her friends
appreciate her vivid imagination and she is sought out for imaginary
play.
She has a quick giggle and infectious laugh. She's quite beautiful
in my eyes and
to many others.
-=-=-=-
And these things may become more and more HUGE and extreme, as she will have all that extra time to devote to them. Her friends will not have that kind of time! Her own beauty will be even *more* obvious, because she will 1) get more rest and better food! <g> and 2) she will be happy with herself and in what she has accomplished and in what she knows she is capable of. But that will take time.
-=-=-=-=-
When she says negative things about herself or compares herself
negatively
with her friends and cousins I try to acknowledge that she's noticing
these things.
I downplay her physical comparisons and I try to point out her good
qualities,
skills and talents and explain that everyone achieves different
skills at their own rate.
-=-=-=-=-
That's good advice---but I think that pointing out *other* comparisons---like the differences between fine, antique furniture vs K-Mart furniture---can be helpful. That someone took the time and love and knowledge to make this glorious chest of drawers---look at the fine workmanship. You can't always *see* that from the outside---from far away. But when you get closer and pull out the drawers and see dove-tailing and other handwork---sometimes even signatures!, THAT's when you see the real beauty, the real quality. And *that* didn't happen overnight! <G>
Cameron did a lot of that while in school (but he was a really good artist and friend, so he was greatly admired for those things!). But when he left, many of his friends told him how stupid he would be if he didn't go to school or get one of those *magic* diplomas. Not much I said made any difference. Time did.
He LOVES being who he is now He's SOOO comfortable in his own skin! That's priceless! IT really is---and at 17???!!! I think I was in my early 30's before I was so comfortabe with myself! But he went through a tough time there at first.
Let her make comparisons---but be serious about it. Help her understand what is *really* important---and how long that sometimes takes! <G> OOHOOHOOH! Read The Velveteen Rabbit!!! Talk about what it's like to be REAL! <g>
I think *your* attitude is important. She'll trust you not to steer her wrong. Moms who are diet freaks, with nose jobs and perfect houses and the latest cars and whose kids *must* get into Ivy League schools---well, they are contributing to *false* comparisons! Help her find what's real---and be patient!
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
October 6-9, 2005
http://liveandlearnconference.org
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]