Daniel MacIntyre

Please bear with me. I've been considering starting a blog, but I
want to flesh out a few ideas before I do so, so I'm using you all as
sounding boards. Any opinions on the below will be appreciated
(constructive opinions will be appreciated more - flattery will be
appreciated most :)).

I was reading an article on winning a few weeks ago that had Lance
Armstrong's 5 tips for being a winner. His number one tip was to "Be
Obsessive." For some reason, this has been sitting in the back of my
head ever since. It finally came back to the forefront bringing a
suprising companion - unschooling.

One of the comments I hear often about unschooling is that it seems
like the unschooled child is lacking the motivation to really reach
his or her potential without someone keeping up some sort of pressure.
Obsessiveness seems to be a pretty straightforward answer to that.

By Obsessiveness, Lance Armstrong was talking about a singleminded
focus on one goal or object. I often hear of athletes "Eating and
Sleeping" their sport. I've seen a similar phenomenon among
researchers in several fields like Physics, mathematics and
engineering. This got me wondering if obsessiveness is a natural
function of the brain in general. Obviously, some forms of
obsessiveness are bad - taken to an extreme, it is a mental illness,
but maybe this is an illness of degree, not kind.

Often, parents worry if a child is "spending too much time" doing any
one thing. Obviously, TV and video game useage are targeted as being
something we might get "Too much" of, but large quantities of time
spent in even good activities like reading, educationally oriented
hobbies or productive computer time cause similar reactions in some
parents.

Often the response to a child spending hours doing video games is that
there is a lot of learning going on under the surface - problem
solving, research, map skills, hand eye coordination, etc..., but
maybe the act of spending hours doing one thing is a learning process
in itself. Encouraging obsessiveness in one area may lead to
obsessiveness in other areas later in life. And obsessiveness is an
attribute of a winner.

--
Daniel
(Amy is doing a half marathon for Team in Training
Anyone who wants to help can do so by going to:
http://www.active.com/donate/fundraise/tntgmoAMacint )

Daniel MacIntyre

Encouraging your child to develop their obsessions is more than just
letting them go as far as they wish with whatever they are obsessing
on (although that is probably a pretty big part of it). It also means
indulging in your own obsessions as well. Children learn by example.
This is true, not only for obsessions, but for any trait you wish to
see develop in your children. If you are providing your child with a
good model, they are likely to imitate that model when presented with
similar situations.

I know this is, on the surface, extremely obvious, but I think
sometimes it has to be brought up just to keep it in our thoughts when
we go about our daily business. I was thinking about this a couple of
days ago, when I was in the grocery store with my son. He is a little
rambunctious and often walks (or runs) ahead of the cart as I shop.
He and an employee crossed paths and before he went past her, he made
eye contact, smiled and said excuse me. I didn't actually see this,
but it made enough of an impression on the employee that she had to
mention it to me. Now, I have never told him to say excuse me or
thank you or do many of the other things that are considered polite,
but I do go out of my way to say excuse me when he and I get into
eachother's way. I also do this with anyone as well. I make sure to
say please to my wife when I make a request and whenever anyone does
me a service, I make sure to say Thank you (I do this because I have
always done it, but I do think about it sometimes when I know my son
is watching and I sometimes play it up to make sure he notices).

Now, I'm not saying this is the only way to learn manners, or that it
ensures success in and of itself, but this was not the first time I've
been complimented on my son's manners, so I certainly feel confident
that this has had something to do with it.

Oh, yeah, my daughter says "thank you" whenever we hand her something
- we didn't realize what she was saying at first, because she started
it at 17 months and the words were a little generic, but the intent is
obvious. It sounds like "ti tu", but she makes eye contact and smiles
as she says it and often gives whatever we handed her a hug at the
same time.

As I stood in line after shoppinge, I noticed that the cashiers rarely
looked up at the customers they are helping. When I got to my
cashier, I said hi, responded to her hellohowareyou with my "Fine!
thanks for asking - how about you?" at which point she looked up, said
"fine" and went quickly back to her job. At the end, I made sure to
say thanks and mean it. She looked up again, smiled and said "you're
welcome." I do this because I always did it. Still, I felt good.

I think Zachary knows I feel good about being polite. Maybe this is
what he's learning.

Daniel
---

"You'll never find fulfillment in committing a selfish act" - Zig Ziglar

Heather

Hi Daniel,



I'm enjoying your posts. My dh & I are currently obsessed with dancing. I
sometimes try to explain to our friends that we are " passionate" about it,
but it feels more truthful to say we are "obsessed". And I sometimes feel
guilty for being so. Of course, we have to take into consideration our
children & their needs & wants, but the reminder that we are leading by
example, was nice <g>.



Heather M

Tucson AZ



<<Encouraging your child to develop their obsessions is more than just
letting them go as far as they wish with whatever they are obsessing
on (although that is probably a pretty big part of it). It also means
indulging in your own obsessions as well. Children learn by example. >>





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

jlh44music

> Oh, yeah, my daughter says "thank you" whenever we hand her
something - we didn't realize what she was saying at first, because she
started it at 17 months and the words were a little generic, but the
intent is obvious. It sounds like "ti tu", but she makes eye contact
and smiles as she says it and often gives whatever we handed her a hug
at the same time>>>>>>>

I'm enjoying your posts as well! This reminded me of my daugther at
about the same age (she's 12 now). I would say "thank you" when I
handed her something she wanted or indicated she wanted me to give her
in a very cheerful voice (I'm not one for baby talk), I wasn't doing
this to consciously try to teach her manners, but I guess
subconsciously I was doing just that. I, too, have always modeled as
well, saying thank you, please, excuse me and also making a comment to
those who don't when they invade my personal space, especially young
adults/teenagers etc (ie they brush by you, in a hurry, oblivious to
those around them almost bumping into you. I make sure I get their
attention and make a comment). They're no need to be rude to others
and I see way too much disrespect (even the kids working at the grocery
store at the checkout, chatting with whoever is bagging, not really
attending to their job, etc). We can't expect our children to learn
respect if we don't respect them as well.

When she was small but old enough to converse, and I brought something
to her attention in a public place (bumping into someone and telling
her to be aware, not forcing her to say she's sorry, but modeling
excuse me) the adult sometimes would say "oh, that's alright!" because
she was little and, I guess "not expected to know better". I would
say, no, it's NOT alright. If children don't learn early on to respect
others, they'll continue into adulthood. I often got a strange look!
I said it politely, not in a bossy or know it all tone, but I guess
it's something sometimes others don't think about.

We'll be homeschooling for the first time this fall, after a lengthy
descooling period for both of us (I've always worked full time). I
see "obsession" in my daughter's learning style, she can focus for
hours on something that interests her, which, of course doesn't fit
into the constant changing of gears in middle school. She
isn't "successful" there because this preset schedule doesn't mesh with
her need to follow through on something until she's had enough or it's
time (HER choice) to move on. She can't switch gears and pick up a new
topic (not of her choosing) as quickly as they expect. I, too, enjoy
obsession, reading for hours when in the mood, researching on the
internet going in whatever direction it takes me, playing piano,
learning about homeschooling and unschooling and learning styles, etc
etc.
Jann